Emptiness

Today the emptiness sets in

addiction is not a friendly thing.

Realizations that change is necessary-

deep inner strength. Important. I can do this-I know it. 

Breathe deep breaths

drink water 

breath

breath

look at today-not tomorrow or 5 years from now. 

Today-

the power of now--IMPORTANT. 

This is hard

but will pass.

The urge to put toxins in my body will be gone.

Soon.

I can still enjoy those situations with friends

hanging out

long trips

all these are possible.

Habit is hard to break.

Onward and upward.

As Kim has said before...

some things are just not good for people

and some of us have problems with moderation. 

I made apple pie last night.

This was a test b4 I make it tomorrow in Rochester.

I'm nervous but excited.

Almost a year--seriously?

Going on 11 months...

every evening I still get butterflies when we crawl into bed together

kissing that part of his chin just before his lip

always makes me smile.

I wish I had his moderation discipline in life. 

Perhaps when I get older. We'll see.

For now the journey continues.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Off to Rochester late tonight. 

Be back sometime Friday evening/early Saturday. 

Then it's officially Christmas in the city. Ahhhh!

:)

XOXOOX

Justin 

It's like grieving

As if I step back into time

leaving a part of my life I've known for so long.

Those same feelings flood through me.  Actually-

I'm trying to soothe them. Medicate them.

I cried so hard that night, the 31st.  

I was dropped off and alone-truly everything moved and changed within the short hours of the day.

I had lost control.

I grieved for months.  

There were days I couldn't move

-certain I had done the wrong thing. 

What was I thinking? I asked every day. 

I had to convince myself to stay each day-

thinking about the past and the past routines

faces of the familiar made me cry.

I felt lost-crazed-and insane.

I knew I couldn't do this. I was doing the right thing. 

You toughen up

you move on

each day you do something else

keep the mind moving

take a shower

get in the sun

everything will be ok.

As I continue this journey of losing an addiction

I am finding myself on my stomach

pounding my fists on the ground

"I Don't WANT TO"

throwing fits of rage.

But I know I have to do it. 

I need more than anything to regain total control.

Get through this

open up

renew

refresh

it will all be ok. 

Life goes on. 

Obla di obla da.

-J.

Angry at times

Obama is our new president-come January.  I'm thrilled-yet still frightened that as people we are expected too much-

too fast. I remain hopeful.  

53000 jobs lost at Citi Bank-

UNBELIEVABLE LOSS.

Student loans-some places aren't even doing them anymore.

These are scary times. 

I fight with my money-

try to protect it..staying on top.

No one understands the fear.

I don't understand the fear. To have nothing-it's scary.

No longer sending that out to the Universe.

Plenty-

enough-

fullness-

and wealth are what's going out now. 

Everyone needs to think that way.

The news isn't helping. 

Constantly sending the bad energy/bad things into the Universe

creates more for us.

I believe that stuff.

How does one stay calm in the midst of a storm?

These are questions I don't know the answers to.

Seeing numbers that aren't there.

Take a leap of faith.

Lots of those happening lately. 

Remembering the ones who were there...that's the important stuff.

The true friends.

There are so few these days.

I go back to Ohio...

real friends-true ones...

we don't see each other often

but it was that connection that was still present made me realize that there was nothing like them nor will there ever be.

What a great wedding.

Beautiful.

Colorful.

Full of love.

I'm tired of giving to people and not getting back-

so many things one does for someone else and to be shit upon is the worst.

I'm done. 

January starts anew...

we cut the strings

and we start fresh--letting go of the old. 

Time to grow.

Time to fly.

--J.

Fridays

It has been some time since I've written.  I haven't really felt like putting my recent writings out there for all to see.  A lot of personal stuff going on and dealing with a lot of good and challenging things in my head.  

I've realized not through my own measure but also with the nudging of a wonderful soul that I am too difficult on myself.  I need to take smaller steps to success rather than trying to do 5 million things at once.  If I want to be positive I try that along with trying to get to the gym EVERY DAY, READ every day, practice EVERY day, be a good and loving partner, be the artist I know how to be, get on top of my finances in this crazy world, find some wonderful sense of spirituality in my life....it's too much.  One can't do this all at one time.  It's impossible.  I was getting frustrated with myself when I would miss just one demand that I placed on myself.  I was beating myself-not being self nurturing at all.  A lot of this comes from my past...feeling like perfection MUST be reached (which is IMPOSSIBLE).  That perfection constantly had to be met when I was young too because of the church I grew up in.  It seemed like a mandate to constantly put on a good face, always be doing something, maintain adherence to the strictest of rules that "God" and "the Bible" supposedly want you to follow in life.  That's way too much pressure for someone. Life is WAY too short.  

My goal is to wake up every day with a smile on my face and remember that the day is a totally new day! It's a fresh start! Nurturing is important and I will continue to nurture myself in whatever way I am able to.  Some of the things that I can do that are nurturing to myself are things I love to do: cooking, yoga, practicing (yes it can be healing and nurturing and SHOULD be looked at in this way), getting lost in reading a good play, going to as many live performances as possible, watching a good movie, sleeping in, talking to Greg in bed before going to sleep, drinking tea, walking through the park, getting coffee and walking, taking a guilt free nap......these are all wonderful things that I LOVE doing.  The frustration comes in thinking "I wish EVERY DAY could be spent like Saturday morning."  In a way it can...we have to lift the pressure off ourselves and allow ourselves to indulge--no we should DEMAND ourselves to dabble throughout the day in that relaxed energy that we find when we are nurturing.  Whether it's stepping away from the desk for 10 minutes to walk to Starbucks and grab a tea and just enjoy the walk back.....or allow ourselves the extre 5 minutes in the morning to remember to pack that special tea from home that we love along with that sandwich that we always enjoy.  Let's treat ourselves to something we enjoy.  There's a lemon calm tea that I can only find at work that tastes SO good.  The tart taste reminds me of something I love and the warmth and smell are so soothing that it just makes me feel a little bit better at my desk knowing I have it next to me.  Give yourself the props to indulge in something you love.  Hell if it costs more money at the store who CARES!  Don't deprive yourself.  LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! 

So I refuse to live in bondage anymore.  Life is way too short.  We create our own universe!  I want mine to be a calm universe with few storms....

Here's to a good day and good weekend! 

XO

Justin

Perspective

interestingly people can provide perspective for us sometimes. 

that happened to me this weekend. 

one of my longest best friends visited me. 

i haven't seen her in over a year. 

it was so great to see her.

she has changed.

mellowed out in some ways.

i realized through her eyes that i was doing the right thing. 

i secured my place in this world...

somehow it was confirmed.

my past meeting the present.

a soft gentle hand of everything in the past

patting me on the back

"it's ok...you're absolutely right"

breathe in...

breathe out...

keep climbing. 

:)

Today

I'm thankful to be living in the new apartment. 

I'm thankful for wonderful friends. 

I'm thankful for good sex.

I'm thankful for performing gigs.

I'm thankful for hope.

I'm thankful for employment.

I'm thankful for the gym!

-JR

WHY

do so many "christians" who are SO good at quoting scripture ALWAYS forget one that I think is pretty important..."judge not lest ye be judged..."

Hmmmmm

Rainy Days & Fridays always get me down...

I love the Carpenters. I love their lyics, sound, and artistry. Days like today I could just sit in a room and listen to them over and over again.
Today for some reason I'm harboring seriously negative thoughts and feelings. I hate doing this, and I know I am the only one who can change it. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. and was wide awake. There is no explanation as to why, it just was. It took me an hour to go back to sleep. Perhaps I have more on my mind than I thought I did or ever realized. So many wonderful things are happening and yet I feel stuck in a lot of ways. The Tolle "ego" is really getting in my way. I'm going to start reading the Power of Now again. I know these things can't be my salvation, but some enlightenment would be fantastic right now. I'm amazed at how life comes and goes and how we can have everything yet still feel like we have nothing. Remembering what we do have is the key I suppose. I couldn't help today but think of my long walks in Urbania with Bernard. I am blessed with so many wonderful friends in my life, but his friendship I desperately miss and I look forward to reconnecting with him again soon. Perhaps fear is creeping back into my life more. I have a lot of singing coming up and I feel so unprepared. I haven't had a lesson in months. I don't feel like I need one every week-but I need a giant tune up. A lot of that is my fault for not consistently practicing. I still haven't given up smoking which infuriates me even more. I can't stop thinking about how strong this addiction has a hold on me. No one, unless they are a smoker, understands this. I wish I could just let it go...but thinking of impending situations and not being able to smoke makes me feel lost. I'm imagining these situations at their worst--at the times when I enjoy smoking the most. It's really quite ridiculous. I come up with plan after plan and fail to follow through because of fear. I'm waking up to myself hacking up junk in the middle of then night. Something I've never done before. What's worse is I worry with my family history of heart disease that I'm just slowly killing myself...and then my voice...I can't even imagine how much stronger things would be without smoking. I have to just stop and yet I don't. Like every addiction there's a fear...there's an extreme empty feeling you feel when even pondering your life without that specific drug. Reworking your entire life seems like such a hard thing. It seems like a task unachievable! I read the best book on stopping smoking...it really inspired me...and then I stopped half way through and then picked it up two weeks later only to finish it with more fear of just letting go. I go to try and find it and of course it's packed away in a box. Go figure, right? I think I just have to get some deep inner strength going, suck it up, and follow through regardless. I'm moving in less than a week essentially. I'm not packed completely, and I feel like the plan in vague. I want nothing more than to just snap my fingers and have it all be completely done and behind me. Wouldn't that be lovely?
Anyways...I'm going to try and be as positive the rest of the day as possible. Right now I just want to crawl into a hole, sleep, and cry.

XO
Justin

Ass

Today I'm wearing a pair of jeans I haven't worn in a little while. Perhaps it's because they're "loose fit" but...for some reason the damn things keep falling down...meanwhile confirming the fact that I have no ass. I do have an ass...it's just small. I wish it could be proportionate to the rest of my body. I look in the mirror and I see a tall guy with a giant rib cage and an ass as flat as a pan cake. The jeans are 31 waist...normally I'm a 32 sometimes 33...but for some reason these are just sagging. No more loose fit purchases for me I say...ho hum...
Vacation was great. I spent 5 days with my mom and my aunt driving up the east coast line going through Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Maine, and New Jersey. It was SO relaxing. Now it's back to real life.....
trying to decide whether to get my hair cut or not...i miss the crazy hairdo a little...hmmm....

Justin

For some...

reason I'm nostalgic this afternoon.  Perhaps it's because I've fallen out of touch with many people who I used to be close with, and kept in close contact with only a few.  The phone works both ways-but of course I can't help today for some reason but to feel totally and utterly separated from my past.  For just a moment I would love the opportunity to be back in my batchelder dorm room just for 5 minutes and have Tosha, Jodie, Nick, Nicki, Ashley, Justin, and all the other gang back in the room.  Just for 5 minutes...before any of us knew what our lives would become-what responsibility we would have.  *sigh*  I can't help but think back on so many years with a full heart.  That weekend of exams partying at Nicki's....those were the days.  I miss dreaming sometimes like we did...driving in the car...eating at Cheddar's or MYLES.  I guess I'm learning to really appreciate the moment as it comes. My life now is just amazing--but my past seems so far away right now. 

C'est la vie

Justin

Uncertainty & Bliss

There's so much uncertainty today. The economy is shit.  Regardless of what political stance one takes it's undeniable that we are in a bit pile of shit.  I saw my stocks plummet between yesterday and today.  Craziness.  Whatever.  My parents have lost power and will be out of it for over a week. Food prices have been soaring everywhere. Remembering that we absolutely have NO control is something that we all need to remember. Knowing this it's hard to find the positive things in life...and then...at 3:30 in the morning after waking up...I have mind blowing sex and I'm reminded about what life is all about.  :)  

Justin

Today

I was about to type in a blog bitching about everything in my world that has been pissy today.  I could complain about how my debit card was stolen, or how my commute to work was 689 hours....but....as I sat here and finally allowed myself to calm down I looked at the news and see what is happening in Texas....and I realize I have a lot to be thankful for--and nothing to complain about. 

My thoughts and good energy to TX. 

Justin

Funny One

So today during lunch I hit the gym as I try to usually do.  I've gotta get back into going in the morning...but that's a different story. Anyways...I did the routine and then I spent about 10 minutes in the steam room and then I got into the shower.  I got out and usually try to fight the crowd to get to my locker and have my own little bit of space to change.  I put my shit in my bag and then sat my bag on the floor and stepped over a few feet to dry my hair and stand in front of the cool fan.  The room was PACKED!  I noticed a guy right beside my locker who had sprawled all of his shit close to mine...his bag actually being right next to mine.  Whatever.  I glanced back and noticed him leaving.  I thought for a moment to myself..."I hope he doesn't accidentally take my bag or shoes or something..."  I saw him leave and at the corner of my eye thought he was carrying my bag.  I brushed the thought off and continued to get ready and walked back to my locker. Sure enough my bag was gone. At this point I'm still only in my towel that is wrapped around my waist-nothing else.  I freaked out. I mean completely flipped.  I kept thinking about everything that was in there. I had NO choice in my mind but to run after him.  I literally ran out of the bathroom screaming "he has my bag!" The front desk people and everyone at the machines nearby just looked at me like I was an alien.  Here I am in New York Sports Club in nothing but a towel screaming and running...I run all the way up the steps and just as I get to the top I notice him outside walking down 2nd Ave just a bit.  I go outside and yell at him and he turns around.  He apologized and was so embarrassed....I grabbed my bag and shamefully ran downstairs. He came and grabbed his shortly after that.  I rushed so fast to get out of there because I was embarrassed.  I literally walked through my gym and onto 2nd Ave. in the largest city in the world in just a towel!  Oh the looks I got, and I'm sure many people will have good dinner time stories for their family and friends. 

C'est la vie....

The mornings...

are sometimes hard to keep my eyes open for.  It's a mental thing.  Yesterday I wanted to sleep in late--evidently sleeping in late for me these days is 9 a.m.  I remember when it used to be noon or later.  Today I'm finding myself sitting here just wanting to put my head down and sleep.  Wouldn't that be nice?  

Today I'm thankful for the following:

Waking up in a warm bed with Greg, lots of merrrs, a nice smooth commute to work this morning, getting to work early enough to have breakfast and a big decaf. coffee, having a yummy dinner last night with friends, having a wonderful dinner on Friday night, spending a lot of the weekend with amazing people, a trip to Target, a new apartment in a week, some money in the bank, a fan at my desk, seeing my parents this weekend for a few hours, sleeping in until 9, not having any big obligations this weekend, having some prospects coming up, having a job, having income, having a wonderful family, wonderful friends, having a break soon, a hopeful upcoming election, fall being around the corner, the holidays being around the corner, cold weather around the corner, a new wardrobe, a new website, a career taking off, being in good voice, my neti pot, being surrounded by creativity and forward thinking, being awake, conquering addictions, being happy, being confident, enjoying life. 

I'm often

asked many questions by people who are curious about life as an artist...what would I have done different if I could go back in time...how does one make a living being an artist...is it easy...is it hard...what are some of your challenges...etc....after a LONG conversation with someone about this today it's at the forefront of my mind, and has me thinking.  Maybe some readers would wanna post their thoughts? Opinions too? 

I think the main thing that actors, singers, and perhaps artists do wrong initially is that they try to model the journey of their career after another.  I've learned that you can't do this.   There really is only one of you...why be anyone else?  Journeys are such an individual thing.  I can't predict another individual's artistic or personal path.  We look at other people in hopes that it will make things easier on us.  Like there is a formula we can follow and if we do the equation just right, then things will work out perfectly and we'll reach a certain level of success.  Look at other careers, yes there may be common things that each person went through (ie; college, internship, etc) however the exact details of how they got there are their own.  If you analyzed their paths deeply you would find many deviations along the way.  Artists sometimes also look at themselves as the only special people in the world.  The ego is extremely strong and they feel isolated--they create this isolation within their own world to feed their egos.  Call me crazy, but I believe it's true.  Yes we are artists, but we are also people.  Learn to live life while being an artist.  My life thus far has been very interesting in this regard.  Letting go is a process that is a daily meditation. 

From the time I was a very young child I performed.  I was always pretending, memorizing movies, and always reenacting scenes from television or film.  I wanted to be an actor--hell at that point it didn't matter--I didn't know what I wanted to be. But I LOVED creating, imitating, and just being in front of people.  Even as a young child I remember the thrill of doing the Pee-Wee Herman dance in front of my family and getting laughs.  The older I got the more I continued this.  It was something I loved.  When I entered high school I had to start thinking of a career.  It never crossed my mind that I would do something artistic. My first choice was to be a funeral director.  This obviously didn't work out and once I started doing theatre in my teens I decided this was going to be my life.  I believe I was looked at as odd in school, in fact I know I was.  I did every single play that I could, and once I got my foot into community theatre I dove right into heavy roles unsuitable for a 17 year old--but damn good for training and exposure.  I didn't care that others found me odd.  I decided to try and stop fitting in.  This was apparent when I wasn't one of the jocks in the school.  I didn't play one of the many sports that one was required to play to be considered cool.  It wasn't my thing.  I was in choir, show choir, theatre, and loved the journalism courses I took and also loved being the president of the newspaper.  I was determined I believe to be in theatre.  Old bios in programs scream future actor when I would write things such as "future goals are to move to L.A. or NYC and become a successful film and stage actor."  My parents weren't too thrilled by this...reasonably so.  Their child was wanting to do something that was totally different.  He wasn't going to stay in small town Ohio the rest of his life.  They pretty much wanted me to have a degree in something that I could use as a "fall back."  I hated that--and still do in so many ways.  It's the worst thing to say to a dreaming child.  They meant well but lesson learned...my child will NEVER hear those words.  

I was off to college and not really finding a major that we could compromise on I decided to pursue a music degree in voice.  Thinking it would gear me towards musical theatre or just theatre in general.  All right...wonderful.  I get there and I start having the best time of my life.  Ahhh to be around people who were as weird as me...other people who weren't the coolest in their schools.  People who were artists! It was just amazing! Thrilling!  I started studying voice. My first real teacher opened me up in the four years I studied with her.  All of my good vocal habits I learned from her training!  She knew what she was doing with my voice and wanted to make it as usable and limber as possible.  NO strain and no force necessary. Every lesson was progress...I was amazed. There was always something new happening! I some how edged into the world of opera.  I had never seen an opera, let alone sang anything like that before. Here was an amazing challenge that was before me. I wanted to do this.  I wanted to try and sing classically.  I loved the stories, the language, the combination of theatre, and the thought of being a part of a high art was thrilling to me.  I continued for a while to do musicals and pursue that venue as well as opera.  It was great fun!  I was so busy for a while. At one point I was taking 22 credit hours (insane), singing in a musical, doing an opera, and also a chorus. It was a constant busy.  I would have class starting at 8:30 and wouldn't be home until 10:30.  I LOVED it!!  However somewhere along the way I got lost...lost in this ideal...lost in what my journey SHOULD be.  I thought I would continue into this opera world and that grad. school was the best option.  I suppose it was at the time.  I was scared to death to do anything else.  Leaving school and entering the real world at that time would have been frightening. 

OK so I continued...staying at my alma mater. I felt it necessary to study with a new teacher who I believed could really take a voice to another level.  The voice changed...at first this new found confidence was amazing. It was thrilling and it was something I couldn't resist being a part of.  My teacher was this gigantic force of amazing-ness.  He was this truly amazing person to me...a very strong male presence in my life that was much needed at the time.  His personality was just as big as he was tall and I loved it.  Somehow things got twisted...I started wanting to BE him. Which is impossible.  After singing in Europe (which was the time of my life) I started questioning my technique.  My teachers in Europe brought the technique back down...saying my voice was beautiful and just to let it flow out.  It felt natural. Not as technically produced as I came in with when I would just let go and sing.  But through this all I realized that I got too far into my head.  I felt I should be this certain type of baritone.  I should have this specific sound--which never seemed to be pleasing enough to my teacher--who I believe in some ways was a perfectionist because he wanted success for his students so badly.  I thought I should be a certain way, I could only sing certain music, I couldn't switch styles, I should never go out and live, I should always be studying a score, always sacrificing, etc.  This unhealthy thinking has continued...I've relinquished most of it.  But constantly have to deal with it.  Perhaps my disappointment in my being honest about questioning technique and being handed a card of hurt feelings and belief of lies was hard to deal with.  However honesty is always the best policy.  Throughout all of this I have learned more about my voice, and more importantly about myself.  

When I think about how difficult some parts of my journey have been thus far, I've often wanted to cry thinking it is hopeless!  Now I feel the ability to truly let go of things.  To be the child I was when I did all kinds of things.  There's nothing to fear.  Everyone will have different opinions, but in the end we choose our own happiness and journey.  Just like my parents saying "you should have a fall back career," or a teacher saying "there's something different about your voice I think we need to push this down and do this..." we MUST take that with a grain of salt. It proves that we cannot follow their journeys, but only learn from what they tell us, eh?  

Here I am sitting at my desk at my day job.  It's great.  I have a salary, benefits, and time off.  I work with amazing people.  It's true there are days when sitting at the desk all day makes me want to shove bamboo under my nails.  It's true I often wish I could be busy.  But it allows me to be in a job where I'm not constantly traveling, running around, or always stressed and tired.  It allows me to look through music, read, or do whatever I need during the day...it allows me the ability to pay my bills, and continue to strive for what I want to do.  I've been in NYC almost a year and have been in two NYC shows, have a professional singing gig, will be singing a role in a NYC premiere of an opera, and made so many wonderful friends and a relationship people envy.  I'm SUPER  blessed to be where I'm at at this time.  When I look back I'm glad I didn't play sports.  I'm glad I never tried to fit in during that period of my life, and when I tried to I see why it failed.  I get updates occasionally on some people from high school.  People will occasionally befriend me on myspace or facebook.  People I haven't spoken to or thought of in years.  I find it funny to hear stories of the popular girl or guy who I remember always shining, always seeming to be full of life and dreams--and what's ironic is when I hear they have married (some multiple times), have 5 kids, live in a trailer park, and work making minimum wage or a little above.  And even more so these people who were the object of sexual desire in the school have gained weight here and there--some more than others.  It makes me laugh a little on the inside...and in some ways makes me want to give a big resounding FUCK YOU to all those people who called me a fag or some other amazingly insulting name.  I want to scream FUCK YOU--here I am and there you are!  But then I realize I have to let that go.  Everyone's journey is different.  Perhaps they're happy--perhaps they never want to leave small town Ohio.  That's fine.  

While at times I get itchy to do what I really want to do 24/7 I have to remember patience is the key.  To answer the question as of what would I do differently?  In reality I can't go back.  If I could I would have studied theatre 100%, or English, or Business.  And then skipped straight ahead to a trade such as massage therapist or yoga instructor. Doing something that would allow me to set my own schedule while making an income trying to be a performing artist.  That wasn't my journey.  I chose and my world was shaken-there you have it.  So what, right? We can plan only so much-and then we have to just let fate take over.  That was my answer to the person I spoke to today. Simply that you can't plan too much.  I think she thought I was being vague, as often people do.  I've been told it's not the proactive choice to take-when in fact I think it's the most active choice one can take at any time.  To just let go and let things happen. Why would I try to continue pushing things in my life? It doesn't work.  Tonight I start practicing fully again.  I coach this week.  I'm nervous because all of these thoughts are swirling through my head from the past.  This vocal image that I think I should have...WILL I BE ABLE TO FULFILL THAT?  WILL I BE EXTREMELY RUSTY? WHAT IS MY FACH?  WAS I CRAZY TO THINK I WAS MAYBE A TENOR WHEN I COULD LEGITIMATELY BE A TRUE LYRIC BARITONE? WHAT REP SHOULD I BE DOING? HOW CAN I SING M.T. AND ALSO BE VERSATILE AND AGILE ENOUGH TO STILL KEEP MY OPERA CHOPS GOING?  WHAT IF I AM ALWAYS REJECTED IN BOTH? AM I EVER GOING TO BE FREE FROM MY THOUGHTS? WHAT IF I'VE DAMAGED MY VOICE? This is the dialogue...I'm living with it, accepting the questions, and choosing to live the answers.  I wrote earlier on a piece of paper that ANY utterance of sound that comes out of me MUST come with purpose of some kind. There has to be a reason or motivation that it is coming out.  Otherwise there is no point.  

Life changes.  You can't plan too much. You can't listen too much. Feel more. Wax on, wax off. Winter/Spring will hopefully bring an enlightening artistic period of continuing to just do by experimenting and studying a bit more.  The decisions will be made.  We move in a couple of weeks. So many wonderful changes that I cannot wait for.  The journey continues.  I must write and will write a book someday.  

For now-

J. 

This morning

I got off the R and was making my transfer to the 4/5 at 59th & Lexington.  I've seen some interesting sights but nothing like I was about to see.  A man was standing in front of the main stairs leading up to the 6 train.  He had a hospital gown on, hospital pants, and a band on his wrist.  He appeared to have literally walked right out of a hospital bed.  He was a holding a sign that read "HIV positive, PLEASE HELP!"  WHAT?! I couldn't believe it.  It's 2008 and there is a man who is obviously having some kind of problems standing in the middle of the subway station telling people he is HIV positive and needs help.  I found it very disheartening and I kept thinking about it on the train.  What bothered me the most was that I really don't believe he had HIV.  Potentially this could be a ploy to get more money.  It probably was in fact.  There are places in the city that will help people with HIV--homeless people at that.  That is a known fact! It bothered me that someone could possibly stoop so low as to lie like that...I'm perplexed by people in these positions.  I have so many questions...I really hope one day homelessness in our own country is  total thing of the past.  For now it's a constant.  

I watched Obama's speech.  I was inspired.  I truly believe his words were purely spoke out of the depths of his heart.  His words for for the middle class, the working people, the elderly, and everyone else who has had to work for where they are in life.  I refuse to think negatively about this election.  I refuse to give any power to the negative energy that many crazy makers will put out there.  It's time for change, we all know this.  Things need to change.  This is a huge turning point in our country, and in our lives.  We should not look back but look forward.  I refuse to be a negative person any more--releasing energy that shouldn't be there.  My mother tells me that we create our own happiness, our own joy, and our own bliss.  I'm going to do that.  I'm done letting other energies come into my life. WE MUST BE THE CHANGE WE WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD!  Life is too short.  Out of all my affirmations that I do on a daily basis the one that always gives me goose bumps is the following: "Money, though necessary, isn't all of life.  It's just a system that we have created on this planet-a rather stupid one at that.  You can't take it with you...so it is NOT a priority."  So much evolves around money---this affirmation has helped me so much.  One small negative thought of "oh my bank balance is low" can literally ruin an entire day.  Today begins the gratitude day....once again...I'm going to make myself type this every day. Something...at least one thing...that makes me happy or that I'm grateful for.  I so wish others would do this!!!  

Today I'm thankful for:

1) The clothes on my back

2) Bagel day at work

3) Pay day

4) A half day

5) That I have the opportunity to wake up in the morning and kiss someone who I love more than anything else.  

6) A weekend trip 

7) Good friends

8) Supportive family

9) Inspiring speeches from political leaders

10) FRIDAY! 

XOXOO

Justin

Grrrr

People who say "I'm not going to vote because either way we are screwed" need to be shipped out of this country and put into a place where they have NO rights to choose anything! They have NO healthcare, VERY little income, no freedom of speech, and have nothing to their own name.  I think if they lived in a place like this they might be grateful to be in a country where they have the opportunity to vote for a change.  We take so much for granted in this country.  We can truly change everything we want-it's OUR country.  These people who say they won't vote or who send out these terrible vibes of "nothing will change"  are hurting the collective conscious that is ready for change!!!!  Stop thinking negatively--get off your lazy fat ass and try to think positively for once!  We must be the change we want to see!!  Regardless of parties-you MUST be involved in this election!  This is a huge chance to change things!!  Suck it up we can make things better!  

I'm oh so proud to be an American!

--Justin

Mmmm recollections and more

This morning I wore short sleeves...I was certain that because of the bright sun that was coming into my window that it was going to be humid and hot as it was yesterday.  I opted to wear a short sleeve polo today.  Not my typical pick.  I really hate polos actually.  I don't think they are flattering on me at all. In fact the older I get the more set in my ways I get about style. Right now is this terrible "I NEED A NEW WARDROBE!" phase.  I'm purposely waiting for a few months before that happens.  Why?  Because of love fall...but I digress....so I wear a polo today.  I walk outside and it's actually a tad chilly.  Of course the day I don't wear long sleeves it's actually cool. Go figure.  BEcause honestly on a day after I pigged out at Blockheads with food AND had three margaritas I'm feeling the next day bloat.  I would never opt to wear something I feel totally uncomfortable in.  But whatever--those are my issues.  Honestly if I could wear gym shorts, a hat, and a hoody every day I would be in HEAVEN! SO comfortable.  Unfortunately the corporate world doesn't share my point of view on that. :-(  

I got to the train a few minutes late this morning and of course there are tons of people waiting for the train--which means one hasn't come in the past 10 minutes--which MEANS the train that will be coming will be completely packed and everyone will have to jam into a small car and it's going to be the most uncomfortable ride.  Sure enough I was right.  The train car smelled so strongly of body odor it was disgusting!  I couldn't believe how gross it was.  It's on these days that I truly miss hopping into my little car and driving to the office...listening to my music, etc.  Wouldn't that be nice. 

I was thinking the other day...on August 31 it will have been a full year since I've left BG.  It's crazy to me to think that an entire year has passed.  This time last year I was packing and getting ready to say so many goodbyes.  Preparing myself for that was one of the toughest things.  Leaving the place I knew for 7 years...the place that essentially became my home.  It was so difficult.  A year ago I couldn't imagine what my life would ever shape into, what it would become, and where I would end up.  When I left that day there were many tears, many kind words said, things that meant the world to me.  That long drive back to my parents-knowing I was truly saying goodbye to that life-was the hardest thing.  And after that...my weekend before coming to New York was the hardest.  Yet I made the decision-it had to happen.  I've kept in touch with the people who have chosen to also make an effort to stay in touch with me.  It's funny that time goes on and we forget about those tears and forget about all of what made us sad.  I guess that makes us human-when we're saying goodbye we don't want to let go.  We eventually do let go because we have to move on.  It's the beauty of life.  I'm so happy to be where I'm at in my life right now.  I'm surrounded by people who love me and who I love--I'm doing what I want to do--I'm paying the bills--I have found my soul mate--I'm happy. Life is so beautiful....

Justin

Really?

Has it really been almost two years since I've been out of school?  That's just insane! 

Monday

Yeah so today I needed a message that I put in my "important" folder.

Somehow this went missing.

UGH!

Frustrating way to start a Friday.

Still continuing to try and grasp a balance as always!! There are many things hopping on my plate. And the more I let go the easier things seem to happen.  

More to come soon...

not in the mood to blog lately. 

Sorry.

UGH! For real!

Motivation is tough for me sometimes.  I feel like I just can't seem to get the muck out of mind on certain days.  I think Tuesdays can be the worst.  I certainly don't want to become one of those people who is living for the weekend and cannot wait for the weekend.  That misses the mark of life I believe.  But days like today I long to be in my bed on Saturday morning sleeping.  I'm dealing with a lot of balance issues these days. Perhaps because so much is in limbo all the time lately.  I know after October 1 a lot will be changing--for the better.  My living arrangement will be completely changed.  This is something I'm very much looking forward to.  I feel that for so long things in my life have been "temporary."  I'm looking forward to living with Greg and knowing that we will be there until we get the apartment we want on the Upper West Side near the park. :-) That could be a while...but it will happen.  

Anyways. There's always a very un-alive feeling I get some days.  I have a wonderful day job. I'm very fortunate and blessed to have this opportunity.  Some days sitting on my ass gets to be exhausting.  And while yes I do bring other things to work on (the advantage)--it's hard because I do have to work sometimes to stay alert at the desk because people constantly come by.  There are times I think I should be on my feet more--but then I'm sure I would complain then.  It's the human problem--searching for perfection, which doesn't exist! I've got to deal with what's going on NOW.  Anyways...also career wise things are just kind of blah.  I feel lost & like I'm searching.  Or am I really?  I don't know.  I'm STILL after over a year of being out of school searching for the motivation within myself! Rather than being forced to do something.  That's a truly tough one.  I'm relieving some pressure in my mind from myself until rehearsals for cameleon begin in September.  

Off to the gym....then to a fitting...

can't wait to get home and take a damn nap.

-J.

suoni...

I had a dream the other night. I'm still trying to figure it out.

I was making my baked ziti...

when all of the sudden I was at a restaurant with my boy and we were talking

the people kept handing us plates

I kept saying "NO I NEED A FULL SERVING DISH OF THIS STUFF!!

Then all of the sudden we were in Italy.

Urbania Italy-where I lived. 

It was nuts. 

We were in Hakuna Matata and then Cafe Centrale. 

I couldn't believe it! 

I didn't know how we got there and more importantly in my dream how the hell we would get back! 

I remember panicking because I had to work the next day. And my friend Giulia (who lives there) was telling me it would take two full weeks.  I freaked out. Greg freaked out.

Then all of the sudden my Australian friend David was there and we were talking...

and then we took a motorcycle ride around the city.

All of the sudden then too I was sad.

I missed it...

I kept remembering the summer I spent there.

It was crazy.

I do miss Italy.

A lot.

Need this....

"I worried too much about tomorrow...I thought the world could be perfect. I was wrong!"

--Sunday in the Park With George

Monday Monday...So Good to Me

After sleeping about 10 hours yesterday I had a difficult time getting up.  

Good weekend

Busy weekend.

Back to the grind & constantly trying to figure things out-

where I am

what I'm doing

and constantly stop at the same time.  Stop thinking and just start doing. 

Stop worrying about time. 

It's only an illusion anyways.

Patience-something I don't have enough of. 

Wait, wait, wait--just do.

All will pay off.

**Justin

Wax on Wax off

Typical of my life I mistakenly thought today was pay day-when in actuality it's not.  Ugh!

One more day, right? 

I'm still ever thankful that I have a steady income, money in a 401K, savings, and some cash to my name--however big or small.  I'm thankful for this. 

In reality though I'm trying to change my thoughts about all of this life stuff-particularly money.

If you think about it, it's this crazy system that humans have invented that has just become this complicated nightmare for most people. It has caused so much fighting. You can't take it with you, right?  So I'm making myself stop thinking about it so damn much. My biggest goal in the next month is to NOT look at my 401k statement every week, to STOP analyzing and thinking about the future in terms of money so much, and just let it go.  In general this is something I'm striving to do...just let go.  Just breathe and let it all go. There's a balance that I actually have been finding-I need to trust that. Trust in the Universe, in God, and just let it all go.  

I want to move forward and in doing so I'm finding myself at the edge of the diving board just wanting to dive right in, when I know that my form isn't exactly right yet.  That has been a crutch and excuse for so long.  Now I realize the proactive attitude that needs to be taken to actually get the right form.  With the right form comes a wonderful, exciting, and correct dive that will have me bursting out of the water in no time.  Trust and breathe...

My reality has been somewhat warped by fear for so many years.  Fear of everything.  Perhaps it's where I come from, or maybe it's in my genes. I've recognized it and now it's time to move on.  I'm thankful that I have gained this knowledge about myself, and now patience is everything.  

In the meantime I am thankful for so much that is happening in my life.  The good friends that have come into my life, this relationship that has changed me for the better and having someone in my life who is so giving, warm, understanding, confident, patient, and everything else that I've ever wanted has been so life changing.  I think back on the days when I was single sometimes.  I think about those late nights out with friends, going home either alone or with someone--well so much less desirable.  I think about the relationships in my life that haven't worked and now I totally understand why--because this is perfect.  I'm so excited to kind of start over...or actually move ahead...it will be nice to have a cozy, comfy, and clean home.  I'm so thankful for this opportunity!  I'm thankful for so much right now, my life is abundant and full of joy!  

Happy Hump Day! :)

-J

Always Tired

Yet again I'm sleepy.

It has been a hell of a busy week.

My mood hopefully will lift soon.

I'm completely off of caffeine--

perhaps there's a LONG adjustment period to this.

Hopefully I can sleep in a bit this weekend.

The show was fun tonight.

Wax on, wax off.  

Time to be creative

I'm a little spent...

Maybe some studio time will help?

--Justin

Rainy again!

Today it's raining again...

I love how it barely rains and yet people decide to pop their umbrellas!  It never ends.  And yet most people have no clue that they should raise their damn umbrellas, I've resorted to just yelling at people when their umbrellas slam me in the face.  So annoying.  

Every day seems to get better and better in some ways here...the closer it gets to September the more I cannot believe I've been here an entire year.  That year has literally flown by.  I started thinking about it last night when Em was talking about her recent trip to Ohio and to BG.  We were starving after the call back and she was talking about Paglieyes(sp), Myles, El Zarape, and Easy Street....four of my fav. places in BG to eat.  It made me think of how much has changed in just a year, and how far away that time in my life seems.  It just seems like a completely different world from what I'm in now.  I have to say I'm proud of myself for the growth that has happened. It certainly hasn't always been easy, but it has been so enlightening to just expand and fly.  There are few people who I miss, but life continues to just move on.  I had a dream last night where I saw one of my best friends.  I haven't seen her in almost a year--the longest we have ever gone without seeing one another.  I feel like we've barely spoken to each other in that year-in fact we haven't really.  A lot in the beginning, but only a couple of times in the winter.  I never thought that would happen, but it did.  Sometimes you need a bit of home...but...home is a different place with different people now.  

Now it's back to work...

Maybe some more exciting news later...

Justin

Rainy Days & Mondays Always Get Me Down!

I wish it were raining--then perhaps it would be at least five or ten degrees cooler.  It's hot as hell here in the city.  Just walking to the train in the morning and then doing one transfer causes me to break out in a furious sweat.  It's disgusting...

Last Thursday night was magical. To be surprised and realize I am in loved in such a strong and true way is one of the most amazing things.  Greg took me to The View...which is this revolving restaurant on the 48th floor of the Marriott Marquis.  It makes a complete 360 showing you a fantastic view of the city in an hour.  The food was amazing, the view was magical, but the company was the best part.  My love continues to solidify itself and I continue to feel even more grounded in life mainly because of that.  :)  I can't wait until a couple of months from now--I just can't wait. I'm tired of living in a chaotic mess right now...all of that will be changing very soon.  

The show went well and was fun this weekend...had an amazing dinner with Kerrie on Saturday and then a great time in the studio after that for a few hours.  Ahhh....

I didn't get my coffee this morning. Somehow I'm going to get some.  

Love

Justin

Thursday

6 Months...

Has it been that long?

I can't believe it.

Not a long time? Not really...but wow. 

I love landmark kind of dates.

:) I'm so happy.

I'm tired too lately.

Not sleeping well or getting to sleep.

Some of it is in my head.

Gotta get that to stop.

For now I smile...

I can't wait for tonight!

--Justin

While it's fresh...

The MTA really pisses me off.  I'm sure it does a lot of other people as well.  WHY do the trains have to run on a different schedule on the weekend?!?!?!  Ok I can deal with that...

did they somehow FORGET that it's MONDAY?!?!?!?!?  I get to the stop a little later than normal but know that there is usually an R right at 8:07 and I will still get to work ON TIME as long as I get this and do a little bit of brisk walking.  8:14 and of course the station is PACKED---NOT A GOOD SIGN!!!!!!  Of course the V train arrives.  It is jam packed full of people.  I get in...my arms losing circulation trying to hold my bags and also hold the nearest bar which seems far away because there are so many people.  The train moves slower than sin first of all...then stops for 5 minutes at the next to last stop. "Train traffic ahead!!!"  BULLSHIT!!!!!!  FINALLY we get to my stop...of course people are pushing and angry all morning....whatever.  I hop onto the six.  Then of course you have 5 or 6 people last minute holding the damn doors open so they can get in.  I had my headphones on...but didn't realize that what I was thinking was coming out of my mouth...evidentally something like "YOU PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES" came out....as several people around me looked...and then a guy got up out of his seat and started yelling at those people....I mean screaming at them....I felt bad because I probably started something-but it serves them right.  Assholes.  

As I get out I hear someone say that the R service was suspended in the morning...WHY WAS this NOT announced?!?!?  I'm going to start making it a habit of going to the web site to see if there are any service changes.  But who knows if it will be accurate.  As I'm riding I see one of MTA's cheesy signs saying how green they are and that they're proud.  I'm so happy they're green....but please run MORE trains and get people to where they need to be ON TIME!

Ahhhh public transportation.  It's still better than paying gas, car insurance, car payment...etc...but GOD this morning I would have done anything to just  been back to the days when I hopped in my quiet, clean car and drove to work.  

C'est la vie.

--Justin

All the same...

Today I find myself tired and wishing I was in bed as always.

Not sure if it's just that I can't discipline myself to get into bed at a good time...or if it's just that I get a second wind once I get home and suddenly forget what it feels like the next morning.  

Or is it all in my head?

I think that's part of it.  This part of me that things because I don't get 10 hours of sleep that I'm drained....tired...and just wearing myself out.  I know it's crazy.  Today is one of those days.  I am tired...and I really need to start getting at least a full 8 hours rather than a full 6 or 6 1/2 hours.  My mojo is finally almost all back.  I'm not questioning my realities any more--THANK GOD!  Always have to keep that in check.  

Things I'm thankful for today:

1. All of last week...it was fantastic and I wish it could be like that almost all of the time. 

2. Having money--whether it's only a little or a lot.

3. Getting to work safe.

4. Not having to drive to work and spend $$$ on gas.

5. Sweet kisses in the morning.

6. Those two cups of decaff. coffee that I have every morning.

I know there's more...but suddenly I'm distracted by offering ideas for cabaret music. :)

Justin

Today

Today my back hurts on the right side...

I pulled something

probably during sex last night. 

Who knows..

anyways...

AMAZING weekend! 

Surrounded by friends and food.

Weekends like this remind me that I'm alive. 

I love it.

Today is a short one.

Not feeling it right now. 

Perhaps later.

--

Justin

Question

So Victoria Clark...who I adore...supposedly made her Broadway debut in the original Sunday in the Park With George back in '85.  Ummm....does anyone know what character she played?  I can't seem to find ANYTHING about her in this production.  Yes I have checked IBDB.

???!?!?

Curious--

Justin

Missing

Ran across a video of an entire tour of where I lived for a while in Italy. It made me miss the place...remember the culture...the food...the friends...the performances....God it seems like forever ago...there were many long walks & talks late night on these streets with Bernard. And many a drunken nights walking home from Cafe Centrale.
*sigh*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxvqmUsBB4c

Quote of the Day

Based on recent forecasts in the news...the following quote is very true....

"this is the end of air travel as we know it..." ---my friend Kim Thompson @ 3:34 P.M.  She's a genius. 

-Peace

Justin

Sand

Today after being grumpy for over 24 hours...

my boyfriend said that I had sand up my vagina. 

That made me laugh...

that combined with my amazing lunch workout made me feel better.

The world is well again. 

:)

Motivation

Today I'm still playing the tennis game...

only I see that it's slowing down

I'm losing momentum with caring to watch.

It's wrong..

I should...

this happens mid-week.

I WILL feel better.

The gym WILL pick me up!

Justin

Reevaluating....

Yeah things slip through the cracks sometimes with me-what can I say...I'm human.  I'm going to hold myself accountable this time-totally accountable.  I am going to for real quit smoking--I'm determined.  It's an awful habit...blah blah. There are so many reasons.  I start and then I don't follow through--I either try to do it all at once, which helps to set one up for failure...or I plan it out and stop following through after about a week.  So publicly outlining my plan of action perhaps will help me be help more accountable:

Quit Date (this is the actual beginning of full recovery and NO smoking): July 13th, 2008

PLAN of action:

June 25, 26, & 27th: 

**Start breaking habits again.  No cigarettes before getting on the train in the morning.  Can have one ONLY before getting into the office-once I've arrived.  But NONE before.  

**Write down a list of reasons why I'm quitting-and the benefits.  Pull this out every free moment and read it-reminding myself of why I'm doing this. 

**No cigarettes before the gym.

**No cigarettes before the ride home...only one when I get to the apartment.  

**Wait 30 minutes after eating before having cigarette.  

June 27th, 28th, 29th:

**Continue with the habit breakers used previously.  Since it's the weekend...wait to have first cigarette at least an hour after being awake.  

**Wait 40 minutes after eating before having a cigarette. 

**Drink water at the onset of having a craving and do some deep breathing exercises 

**Make note of every urge to smoke and remind myself why I want to quit

June 30th, July 1st-6th:

** No cigarettes before 11 every day.  

** Constantly review reasons why quitting and positive affirmations

**No smoking during the day except 11:00 & 4:00 breaks

**Completely eliminate cigarette intake when get off train going home.  

**No smoking until later in the early evening.  

**No smoking after 9 p.m.  

**Limit total intake to around 5-8 a day or less. 

**Really practice this week resisting cravings with deep breathing, drinking water, and distractions--also increasing amount of physical exercise.  

July 7th-12:

**Constantly remind self why quitting by reviewing list.

**Really continue to get deeper in resisting cravings and finding more distractions. 

**Constant reminder of the number of days it takes to break a habit.

**Positive thinking 

**No cigarettes during the day at work on breaks or anything. 

**Only between 1-5 a day allotted

Yeah...

Our country...

regardless of what you say is too divided.

I've heard way too much today about things Obama has said

he said

she said

they said....

I'm so sick of it. 

I was raised in a church life.  Every Sunday we went to church, every sunday evening, every Wed. evening...always the same.  The denomination was non-denominational/pentecostal.  My father was a member (still is) of the ministry.  All my life I was surrounded by scripture, long services, sermons that were touching, sermons that were hell bent, and prayers and meetings that would scare anyone who didn't know any better away.  I started questioning things when I turned 16.  Inevitably this was just not acceptable...how dare I question the existence of the ALMIGHTY--ALL-FEARING God.  But I did.  I had had it up to my neck with the same shit every week.  Hearing and knowing about all the corruption, bickering, and terrible things that go on within the walls of a ministry.  I have many stories that could frighten you away from church for forever.  When I left the nest I stopped going altogether...I would pick up on occasion when my guilt was strong enough. I realized a couple of years ago that what I do is a personal choice...what anyone does is a personal choice...and I also realized just how insane radical christianity can be and how harmful it can actually be if taught the wrong way.  I was taught hate in many ways....sure we can sugar coat it by saying "those people aren't children of God..." blah blah...but deep down it was always judging and being judgmental.  One should never drink alcohol, curse, smoke, have sex before marriage, be homosexual, or even think lustful thoughts--otherwise you're going to go to hell.  The teachings were basically a live your life this way, accept Jesus as your savior, be filled with the spirit, and you'll go to heaven and be happy and be with the Lord.  From my experience they seem to totally forget the positive messages that Jesus taught...they way he spoke....the peace he offered....it's gloom and doom to them.  And now in this day when I feel our country is so divided mainly because of people who teach this way and believe EVERYONE should believe the same way--I get frustrated and angry.Yes the Bible says to let your light shine before men---but it doesn't say...let your light be a flame to ignite judgment and fear!  I mean wasn't Jesus the perfect example of man?? THE PERFECT man!  

  After many years of growing up...talking with therapists...studying...and yes praying...I feel confident in my ever growing faith.  I believe in God, yes.  I'm not going to judge another person--what another person does is none of my business.  There are laws that are common that I feel are just common sense...don't kill anyone, be good natured...love one another...don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat...etc....etc.....What Obama said recently makes sense to me...if you haven't read it go read it....James Dodson's Focus On the Family is ridiculously fighting him on what he said....trying yet again to pull the extreme radical conservative votes.  It's ridiculous.  

Thanks for letting me rant. 

Revolving

This morning on the train I felt happier than I have in a while--

a sudden burst of wonderful energy hit me last evening-not sure exactly what it was. 

Exploring the inner child could be the cause, I hope so at least. 

It's a dark world today; the news is nothing but gloom and doom-always.

Today I feel I've begun to press through that--

having to remind myself to always evolve

always move

things change

life is fleeting--

enjoy it--

stop worrying about it--

just keep going.  

Here's to moving...

Justin

Lifetime movies

You know you've had a good weekend

when you watch two lifetime movies in a row. 

I know I have hit the ultimate point of "I can really relax" 

when I can sit and actually get sucked into two lifetime movies and not turn them off.

Thus was my weekend.

Amazing weekend.

Friday was spent upstate--

an amazing and wonderful evening with three of my favorite people in the world...

One of them prepared the most amazing dinner and hosted the best party.  

It was bliss...

the beauty of the mountains..

everything...

just being able to be mellow and chill--that was the best.

Saturday came back..

did nothing...which was heaven.

Slept in tons all weekend.

Finally am caught up.

Yesterday lifetime was our friend...

cooking...

working out...

sex...

sleeping...

it was heaven.

I'm so thankful for a wonderful weekend...

Today I'm just trying to hang onto that energy...

forever.

XO

Quote

I really liked this...

"Not all who wander are lost." -J.R.R. Tolkien

This looked interesting...

Perspective is good I suppose...so a friend sent me this and I've decided to post my responses:

10 years ago...

Was 1998 and I think I had been driving for a few months. I started a summer job, was going into my junior year in high school....loved the summer because it meant I was doing theatre EVERY damn night or rehearsing for something. This was the summer I did The Glass Menagerie---WAY too young, but God that was an amazing experience.

5 years ago...
2003....going into my senior year in college. Living with Jodie...we had our own place that we just moved into that was great on Scott Hamilton. Worked all summer, had fun, partied, and just was care free.

5 months ago...

I had just brought my stuff physically to NYC from Ohio after being here for 4 months....finished a show...and was having a good time...I met Greg.....nothing else matters.

5 things on my to-do list tomorrow...

1. Maybe go to the beach when we get back from Kims.
2. Relax
3. Help Greg with laundry
4. Do more of my workbook
5. relax more

5 things I would suddenly do if I were a billionaire...

1. Pay off all of my debt and help my parents retire and pay off a few close ones debts.
2. put a lot of it away and pretend it didn't exist
3. buy an apartment in the city and a house in the country and not have a mortgage!
4. shopping sprees at: Barnes and Noble, Target, Express, Gap, and Pottery Barn
5. pay for all friends to come to our kick ass wedding.

5 bad habits...

1. fear
2. procrastination
3. time management
4. nicotine
5. fear again.

5 places I've lived (at least for a month)...

1. New York, NY
2. Zanesville, OH
3. Bowling Green, OH
4. Urbania, Italy
5. Coesfeld, Germany



5 things people don't know about me...

1. I can be very moody.
2. I don't like junk food and sweets.
3. I LOVE to cook.
4. I have anxiety issues
5. I'm addicted to perezhilton.com

On a positive note...

I saw a quote today that I had seen frequently...and I remember always thinking that it couldn't possibly be true.  The quote was something like this:

"One day you will meet someone who will make you realize why none of the others worked out."

Well that one day has been happening officially for 5 months now!  All that cheesy stuff you're told--well it's true.  I'm in love--totally.  

*

Justin

This PISSES me off!

This morning...I find this online...this was actually being sold at a Republican convention.  Are there idiots who are really still this ignorant!???!?  I suppose so. It's very sad.  It's not simply the issues of race but also issues of other minorities and their acceptance.  Right now people are protesting the gay marriage in California--this I just find appalling!!  I find it crazy that because I love someone I don't have the same rights as others because they simply believe it to be immoral.  Moral or not...let us all be equal...you mind your business and I will mind my own.  

Grrrrr! 

A friendlier blog will be following shortly.

--Justin

When is enough enough?

I'm tired today-

simply exhausted.

Hopefully throughout this I will get the inspiration to put what I'm thankful for. 

I go to the doctor this afternoon.

I've been battling something off and on for a while now.  Primarily I keep having sever anxiety issues.  I'm not sure what's going on-but today I'm going to begin to find the cause of it.  

A sinus or middle ear infection could be to blame, which is my gut instinct. 

I sat at my desk last week in the middle of the week ready to crawl out of my skin because I couldn't focus on anything--

my mind kept wondering...

kept moving...

over..

and over-it wouldn't stop.  

"Am I having a panic attack?!?"

"OH GOD What if I have a panic attack at WORK!?? How embarrassing!!!!!"

The FEAR of this has been driving me nuts.

This my friends is why Justin Randolph doesn't smoke pot, do other drugs, or drink in excess--he CANNOT handle feeling like he has no control over his mind.  

Then I have to wonder if this is the current production of me attempting to "get out of the way of myself..."  I'm losing control...and in an effort to grip I have been freaking out. 

No.

Something is wrong.

Whether I have panic disorder, anxiety disorder, an ear infection, sinus infection, etc, etc I don't know.  

Finding the mo-jo is tough these days.

Today I go through my bank account...

doing better than I have ever done--

however the bills continue to pile up.

The fucking mutual funds continue to be an issue on a daily basis because of my past identity theft. 

One thing after another just seems to come up.

I want my mo-jo back...

but it's hard. 

Am I becoming jaded to real life?

Am I sick of crappy art? 

Did I peak?

Did I lose all confidence?

Was it all a waste?

What the fuck am I doing?

Why are we here?

Those are the questions constantly...

And in the meantime ALL I WANT IS THE FOLLOWING TWO THINGS:

1) A full day & night ALONE with my  boyfriend!

2) A day where I can SLEEP in late and do NOTHING...not leave the apartment ONCE! 

I remind myself daily that it's about love-it's about connection-living-and taking what you can out of life.

I've gotten so wrapped up in life that I haven't been living one.  

I'm in the best relationship of my life-I am stable and sound in many ways-yet why do I still feel "blah?" 

I feel like I've read too many self help books...

too many Eckhart Tolle days-

it exhausts me at a point.  There's a point where I don't feel like thinking about it. 

There are times I miss those days...

the days when it was all about the love of what you're doing...

I'm not in the moment.

This should change soon.

Negative blog? 

Yes.

I'm accepting my thoughts and feelings today.

Not trying to push them out.

Tomorrow should be a better day.

-Justin

Early Morning

Got in earlier this morning.  Haven't done this in a while:

Today I'm thankful for-

1. The feeling I get when I walk into my room after I'm done getting ready and I look at my love sleeping. 

2. Waking up in an air conditioned room.

3. Walking into an office that's air conditioned. 

4. Having time to grab Starbucks this morning.

5. Pay day tomorrow!!!!!

6. Having a job at a time when the economy is terrible. 

7. Knowing I'm seeing family this weekend. 

8. Getting my "mo-jo" back!

9. For becoming more of a morning person.

10. For upcoming things that are wonderful! 

11. For good friends.

12. For people who care about me.

13. For the most amazing boyfriend ever.  

14. For the weather starting to get cooler.

15. For only six months until Christmas. 

16. For only 3 months since I've been living in NYC for a year--I survived!!!

17. For my voice returning to me and being patient with me even when my mind wants to allow the children in the back seat to drive. 

18.  For good, amazing, wonderful, and beautiful sex all week!!! :)

XO

Justin

Ahr

Sunday in the Park With George-2nd time...even more amazing.  

She was as good as Bernadette-never thought I'd say that.

I'm exhausted.  

Love my parents-

exhausted from a busy week.

Felt grumpy most of the week. 

This morning ok.

Stepping into my A.C. room tonight

cuddling with my love all night--

it's a dream. 

I can't wait. 

I'm in love-

truly, madly, deeply--in love.

I'm not running from my fears anymore

they are a part of me

not controlling me

no longer pulling back

I have done this with everything in my life-

an example I saw

every day for 5 days. 

It scared me.

I could see myself doing that.

No more.

Full force of everything.

For now...

I will sit at the desk

and dream of this evening.

Justin

Yes.

These are just the beginning! :) Enjoy.

Subway Stuff

Get ready...
new video blog coming soon featuring me and my friend Doug. Daily/Weekly installments...
for pure entertainment/artistic/release sake.
Tomorrow the first one should be posted on youtube and then here. We're working on editing and getting a domain. Keep your eyes posted.

Justin

Alarm clock

This morning my alarm went off

I must have changed it about 10 times. It was so hard to get up after sleeping in this weekend and having such a wonderful weekend.  Today I am SO thankful for:

1. An amazing weekend spent with two of my best friends and the love of my life.  

2. Perfect weather this weekend.

3. Amazing food all weekend.  

4.  Amazing conversations.

5. Many perfect moments with Greg this weekend. 

6. Clarity.

7. Being present.

8. Getting sleep.

9. Having many realizations.

10. Being supported.

11. Having money in my account.

12. Getting tan.

13. Making it to work on time.

14. Adjusting to being back in the city rather quickly.

15. The man who hands out the free paper outside of Grand Central every day saying Good Morning to everyone.  

16. Drunk messages from Jodie. 

17. Feeling good today.

18. Having "steady income"

19. Not paying anything for coffee this morning. 

20. Being happy.

Justin

Sigh

So I have much to be thankful for.  I'm happy today is Friday--the beginning of a long weekend.  I'm so happy about that.  I'm thankful for Grey's Anatomy being the most kick ass episode in the world last night. Holy cow!!!!  Seriously faboo!

Anyways...

For some reason during the latter part of this week I've been experiencing what appear to be mini panic attacks.  I haven't spoken about this to anyone all week and I feel blogging about it can only help me to get those thoughts out there.  They've been coming at odd times.  This morning on the train I was fine and then half way through the ride I felt my heart beating fast.  I feel they are more serious and heavy anxiety than anything.  I'm not totally sure why.  On Wed. I went to the chiropractor.  When I laid on the table to get my back worked on by the electronic things I was left alone in the room and suddenly felt anxious and had the hardest time letting go and not being panicky.  This bled into me being at work and sitting at the desk doing research on anxiety and panic disorder--so at that point I read myself into having almost a full blown attack.  I had to shut off the screen, turn on music, and go to the bathroom.  I realized that my coffee consumption this week has been higher than normal.  I had cut WAY back and suddenly without reason I picked back a lot of my consumption.  I realized that that morning I had a Venti (large) half decaf and half regular from starbucks, and then two full regular small cups of coffee...and then proceeded without thinking to have a Venti (large) non-fat iced chai which has almost more caffeine than 4 cups of coffee.  Ok so the problem was that.  Now it's all in my head again....worrying that I'll just lose my shit...when in reality I know that's not going to happen at all.  I know I'm fine but I'm just experiencing some kind of weird reaction to my body and the changes its going through.  I honestly cannot ingest too much of anything be it food or drink because I think it mucks my mind up.  I know my limitations so I need to stick with them.  

In doing a lot of this soul searching and internal work lately I've read and heard that many people experience this type of thing while they let go of the control they feel they have on their lives.  I truly believe this is me.  I need to continue to tell myself that what I'm doing is right and that I'm fine and to keep letting go more and more.  

Also seeing a shrink will help....:)

Have a great weekend to anyone who reads this. 

XO

Justin

Awakening

I recently finished Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth."  At first it took me a while to get into it, my mind was cluttered with too much information.  I read "The Power of Now" which he had written a while back, and found the information incredibly enlightening and powerful.  I do recommend "A New Earth" to anyone seeking some new ideas, enlightenment, or an "ah-ha!" moment.  I certainly had quite a few of those moments in the reading.  I didn't find the book to be dogmatic in any way, and because of my past I have to be careful of that.  At any case I've found all of this to be wonderful reiteration of the reality of what I've known for some time. 

About 5 years ago I was about to finish undergrad and I was home during Christmas break.  My mother was out of town for the holiday and I had the house to myself for over a week.  I would drive to my dad and step mom's or sister's house but otherwise I relished in the quiet alone time. During this period of time I was terribly unhappy.  I was doing a lot of painful writing, soul searching, and agonizing over my future.  I had no idea what to do, where to go, or where I wanted to go.  I had just purchased my first lap top and decided this would be a good time to start journaling.  One particular evening I found myself depressed, bored, and lonely.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  I was waiting for this happiness that I just wasn't feeling.  I kept trying to fill the voids by getting into a relationship, getting in a good grad school, being the best performer I could be, making myself busy, etc.  This particular evening it hit a head. I began to write. My thoughts poured from deep within me.  I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stop smoking, couldn't consistently feel good about my work, why I was having vocal problems, why I was over weight, etc.  Finally I had an "ah ha!" moment while writing.  Even then in the mess I was I realized that the problem was that I wasn't living directly in the moment.  I was thinking ahead or in the past.  I kept thinking..."if I can get into X school or X place I will have a career and then I will be happy and will be set....if I am in a relationship I will be fulfilled and I will stop feeling like I'm all over the place...if only I could focus more while practicing I would sound like X Person or Y person..." I suddenly had the realization that there were too many future variables and ifs within everything I was thinking.  I was living for that instead of now, and because of that my now was miserable and I wasn't getting anything done anyways.  I was making myself miserable because I was projecting into the future too much.  I realized this five years ago....and yet throughout the past three years have still struggled with it.  Why?  Because it is one of the hardest things to overcome--the ego.  The ego has an extreme need to feel miserable, to make you project into the future, etc.  Reading this book was just a final realization that this will be the only thing to work for me.  I HAVE to live in the moment, awaken, and realize that now is all we have.  I've been working very hard at this off and on now for a week.  I've finally committed to do this fully.  It's not easy at first but I truly believe the present has power unseen.  I think back (which I shouldn't do) at the times so far in my life when I've suffered with my own mind...not feeling good enough...being in bad relationships...being frustrated....making extreme plans for the future....etc.  I can only look back in amazement that I really didn't know anything.  Now is the time move on and focus on what now has to offer.  I'm challenged by this every day as I step onto a crowded train, am running into the office, am working with changing vocal fachs, am struggling with nicotine addiction, enjoy the benefits of a healthy and loving relationship....I'm challenged....and yet in the present this is what it is.  It's here. Enjoy it. I'm going to. From now on.  

Justin

Refresh

Somedays we just need a reminder.  I'm posting this from a blog several months ago....still very true. I need to be reminded:

"The only constant is change" is my new stolen motto.  Change is constant, change is good, and I will relish in the moments of change because life is always moving.  Being an honest, sharing, open, kind, and genuinely grounded person is at the forefront of my mind.  I'm an artist-this will never change.  Material that means something to me is what I choose to do.  Having an open mind about all genres of art is a daily affirmation.  Living and loving my art and those around me is essential.  Letting go of the past, past voices, past fears, past control, past loves, and everything else that is in the way of constant motion is something to be done daily.  Mediocrity has no place in my life anymore whether from friends, colleagues, or myself-it's just unacceptable-period. Connection and being constantly present and awakening daily are essential to my daily diet.  Running from connecting with people or following through with connections is not a trait to be tolerated. This is my constant change. "

Justin

Today

Change remains the only constant--thankfully!  Today I'm thankful for much...especially in a world where politics and talk of recession, financial depression, and gloom are running crazy.  I'm thankful for:

1) Waking up in a pretty good mood.

2) Even though I didn't have hot water for at least being able to get into the shower this morning and bathe. 

3) All the thousands of people including myself who walked in the AidsWalk yesterday in Central Park. 

4) For having an amazing supervisor at work who isn't angry with me when I'm almost 20 minutes late because of the train. 

5) For having great friends.

6) For having money to put food in my stomach.

7) For having a nice weekend with Greg.

8) For being able to watch Joplin last week...(merrrr I miss her)

9) For having work.

10) For not having a car and the expense that it brings right now. 

11) For having a long weekend coming up.

12) For having the knowledge and ability to bring my own art into my life that I choose.

13) For having a voice.

14) For reconnecting.

15) For disconnecting. 

16) For cleaning out and starting fresh. 

17) For lunch in my bag today.

18) For supportive parents.

19) For clothes on my back.

20) For health.

21) For happiness.

22) For music.

23) For Kathleen Turner on my ipod this morning.

More to come...today was long...I have much to be grateful for.  :) Today and this week will be good! 

XO

Justin

I'm thankful...

this morning for:

Thus far raising $325 for the Aids Walk on Sunday...being closer to my $500 goal.  

The people who have selflessly given to this cause!!

Waking up having a cute dog lick my face

and even better--waking up next to my amazing love who regardless of how ugly I am in the morning, pissy I have been lately, weird I have been acting...has loved me regardless. :)

Having an amazing dinner last night.

Mashed potatoes that taste like heaven.  

Starbucks that isn't totally crammed with people this morning.  

PayDay!

Having food in my stomach.

Having money in my wallet and bank.

The train being on time.

Having an amazing boss.

Reconnecting.

Seltzer Water.

The Today Show....

air conditioning.

xo

Justin

Gym and such

So this is a short little fun story...I guess my mouth opens before my brain really says "you shouldn't say that..."  But I'm thankful for what is now a funny story to me:

I'm in the gym...I just get done showering and I'm anxious to check my cell phone to see if my friend Andy called because I went WAY over my workout time.  Seeing that I am supposed to meet him I want to see if he's called to make sure I'm not late.  I go to my locker and pull out my phone.  Clearly I'm in just a towel but I'm grabbing my phone to briefly look and see if I've missed a call.  There is a sign that says "no cell phones permitted in use in locker room."  Ok well we all know why that is...obviously someone could take numerous pictures and videos of men completely naked and then post them on the net.  I've seen many guys use their cell phones, so I'm thinking it's no big deal.  I pull mine out and notice I have a voice mail.  I walk to the mirror while checking my message and start putting my product in my hair.  As I close my phone and walk back I notice an old, rather over weight man staring at me-whilst buck naked.  He says to me in a very prudish tone, "you're not supposed to use those in here."  Without thinking my mouth opened and I find myself saying "well just so you know I'm making a phone call that's important--and if I were to take nudie pictures or videos it would not be of you!"  

AHHAHA! 

Justin

This is the problem with our society!

Wow...this is ridiculous. This is what I grew up hearing--and now it makes me sick....realizing the hatred in this. This is what's dividing our country right now folks. We cannot let these narrow minded people force their beliefs on everyone else. It relates to my favorite prayer: "Lord please save me from your people!"

Mainstream...and gratitude

Today I'm thankful for:

1) waking up in a warm bed next to someone I love. 

2) having the first day in months of just going with the flow.

3) feeling alive.

4) having drinks with great friends last night.

5) Kelly Francis and her half full approach to life.

6) Kim Thomspon--just for being her every day and making me think in ways I don't usually think.

7) New possibilities.

8) An open mind.

9) people to cover the desk when I'm gone.

10) The guy in the coffee shop in the building who has mine ready as soon as I step up to the counter in the mornings. 

11) A red pen that I love at my desk.

12) A trip to see my family in PA tomorrow.

13) A free evening.

14) An evening of no gym.

15) getting paid next week. 

Mainstream issues...

I'm trying to get it through my head that it's ok to be a multi-tasker in life.  For some reason I used to be able to do this and the older I get the more it feels impossible. These ideals that one should do just do one thing and be set with that are ridiculous.  Yet I find myself clinging to them the older that I get.  I think it can be scary for people who have these ideals in their head of who they are to really jump off the normal path.  For me I'm finding that I can't sit still very long without getting bored.  I don't want to be bored.  Especially bored artistically.  Life is way too short to be stewing all of the time.  I saw two actors on the train yesterday and listened to their conversations about how they were doing 8 auditions a day and not getting work...and they were frustrated because they had no money and were worn out.  They looked like hell--and I thought "how could you possibly give a good audition looking the way you do and feeling so tired?"  Some people think one doesn't have drive if they're not wanting to constantly audition...they think they just are lazy. I don't always agree.  Yes I'm sure there are lazy actors/singers out there-I know some.  But the quality of work being offered is not the best.  I look for auditions frequently...and nothing sparks me.  Yes there is a chain you have to crawl up so they say--but really, do you?  Does one really have to compromise their artistic values for a small paycheck just to put something on the resume?  I believe I would rather do free GOOD work than shitty paid work just to put something on my resume.  I read Classical Singer magazine and I am mixed between the thoughts of..."wow this so great that there is a community for people..." and "oh my this is TOO much of everyone trying to learn the same thing and figure things out..."  I've decided I have a lot of interests...reading is a key for keeping my mind clear.  I've been reading A NEW EARTH by Eckhart Tolle.  It's quite good--and remarkably life changing.  I'm almost finished and I'm hoping to keep with the truth of each and every moment.  But I want to be a multi-tasker. I want to do different things.  Passion will carry you through...you have to be completely engaged so that the passion pulls you in.  I haven't felt that in a while.  There hasn't been any project that has kept me up all night learning lines, studying, reading, etc....for a LONG time.  I want that again. I want that obsession--that drive.  I know it's slowly coming back...and I just have to be open to whatever form it may come in.  Onwards and upwards, eh?  

Justin

Today

Today I'm thankful for:

1) The free box of girl scout cookies.

2) The sun

3) having money

4) being alive

5) having a good conversation with Doug this morning.

6) my flowers that were given to me. 

7) having a good laugh

8) hearing Kim's laughter.

9) Getting a good chuckle out of another person ignoring my request--too funny!

10) Reconnecting with some ties.

11) Breaking old ones.

12) Learning to make peace with some things.

13) thinking about making sweet love tonight.

14) being able to read.

All of the above and more...

it's a good day.

Ciao-

Justin

Dreaming

Dreaming is fun-it fills my heart with hope.

My mixed emotions of "wow is this my life?"

hit hard.

Hit hard in a good way.

There are so many things I want. 

So many things I know will for sure happen.

In time.

Impatient? Yes.

Being with three of my favorite people all weekend--

happy days.

Makes me want to live closer. 

I can envision dinner parties weekly...

being a part of that daily life

with people I love.  It feels essential.

Today I woke up with less back pain.

I woke up extremely happy.

Coming back into my room to sweet kisses

I didn't want to leave.

I could have stayed all day.

Noticing the little things...

the way the chin and lips are set

just how I like them.

I'm thankful for all of this..

so many things.

My heart is full.

XO

Justin

Trains

So this morning was probably one of the most interesting train rides I've had since I've been here in New York.  I get to my stop about 10 minutes earlier than normal because I'm wanting to get to work early.  The train is of course running behind and so I know then at this point that when it comes it's gonna be packed full of people.  Of course as it pulls up I look in and people are barely able to move.  I'm determined to get in and I do. I move to as close to the center as possible and I grab on to the rail.  As the train starts to take off I notice someone sitting on the floor of the train right next to me...legs spread out.  Usually I only see this if it's a homeless person or in general someone a few fries short of a happy meal.  Of course I notice the lady sitting there.  I saw her get kicked off an evening train once when I was heading to midtown from my apartment. I remembered her cursing at nothing and just acting violent, and the conductor kicking her off.  It was the first time I saw that.  Well...within a few short minutes of me standing next to her--being surrounded by people--I hear her screaming again.  She's screaming things like..."FUCK YOU YOU BITCH GET OUT OF MY SEAT...I WANT A SEAT..."  Ok...this is ridiculous.  I wish someone would have just given her a seat--but obviously no one was willing to do this.  What's worse is I hear a loud noise through my ipod music. It sounds like a door slamming when at the same time I feel my hand vibrate....I turn...here she is violently banging the back of her head on the pole. Not in a playful way...but in a way that says "I WANT MY BRAINS TO SEEP OUT OF MY EARS" banging.  She wasn't stopping.  I was quite disturbed by this.  I mean besides the fact that this woman is obviously mentally ill in some way...I really didn't want to witness someone bashing their head so hard that blood would start coming out of her ears.  The lady standing closest to her kept looking at me in horror....as well as others. But it disturbed me that NO ONE was saying anything.  I was FREAKED out and getting pissed.  The last stop before Manhattan brought much confusion to the train as the usual people at Queensboro tried to cram even further into an already crammed train.  She freaked out even more.  Her cursing got worse and more profane--she was yelling directly at these two women sitting in front of her.  Perhaps these people have seen her many times before and just expect this behavior...perhaps everyone was just able to tune it out better than me...perhaps people took sympathy on her....who knows....but something snapped within me. I couldn't hear her head banging against the pole ONE more time...and I especially couldn't hear or see her yelling at other passengers.  I leaned down and in an adrenaline filled moment I looked at her and I said..."HEY! HEY SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!  YOU HAVE A GODDAMN SEAT ON THE FLOOR NOW SHUT UP, STOP YELLING, AND PLEASE STOP BANGING YOUR HEAD!"  The train became silent. I could barely believe what I just said--she looked at me and simply said..."FUCK YOU!" And I looked right back at her and I said..."NO-FUCK YOU! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!"  She stopped.  She certainly didn't utter another word until we got to 59th and Lexington.  As soon as the doors opened she went at it again yelling at people.  I decided to go to the conductor of the train and make it known that someone was harrassing the other riders.  As I approach there is a line of about 10 people telling the conductor the same thing. The conductor gets out and goes into the car.  That's all I know...as I had to get to work and catch my transfer.  

I don't feel bad about yelling.  I really don't.  I realize that she may be mentally ill or mentally handicapped in some way.  But regardless...that gives no one reason to cause a disturbance on the train. And it especially gives no one reason for banging their head and for yelling throughout and entire train ride harassing the other passengers.  These days you just don't know who is riding the train, who is walking beside you, etc.  I was not about to give this women the power. Someone needed to let her know that she was in the wrong and WHO had the power.  

So that's my interesting story of the day.  Now...the thankful list:

I'm thankful today that:

1) I made it to work on time/early

2) Today is pay day

3) I have money in my account

4) I had time to stop at starbucks this morning

5) Waking up again to warm kisses

6) I'm going away this weekend with my love. 

7) I'm seeing my two best friends this weekend.

8) I can sing.

9) That I have a good job.

10) that I have prospects

11) That I don't bang my head on the subway posts.