I think the main thing that actors, singers, and perhaps artists do wrong initially is that they try to model the journey of their career after another. I've learned that you can't do this. There really is only one of you...why be anyone else? Journeys are such an individual thing. I can't predict another individual's artistic or personal path. We look at other people in hopes that it will make things easier on us. Like there is a formula we can follow and if we do the equation just right, then things will work out perfectly and we'll reach a certain level of success. Look at other careers, yes there may be common things that each person went through (ie; college, internship, etc) however the exact details of how they got there are their own. If you analyzed their paths deeply you would find many deviations along the way. Artists sometimes also look at themselves as the only special people in the world. The ego is extremely strong and they feel isolated--they create this isolation within their own world to feed their egos. Call me crazy, but I believe it's true. Yes we are artists, but we are also people. Learn to live life while being an artist. My life thus far has been very interesting in this regard. Letting go is a process that is a daily meditation.
From the time I was a very young child I performed. I was always pretending, memorizing movies, and always reenacting scenes from television or film. I wanted to be an actor--hell at that point it didn't matter--I didn't know what I wanted to be. But I LOVED creating, imitating, and just being in front of people. Even as a young child I remember the thrill of doing the Pee-Wee Herman dance in front of my family and getting laughs. The older I got the more I continued this. It was something I loved. When I entered high school I had to start thinking of a career. It never crossed my mind that I would do something artistic. My first choice was to be a funeral director. This obviously didn't work out and once I started doing theatre in my teens I decided this was going to be my life. I believe I was looked at as odd in school, in fact I know I was. I did every single play that I could, and once I got my foot into community theatre I dove right into heavy roles unsuitable for a 17 year old--but damn good for training and exposure. I didn't care that others found me odd. I decided to try and stop fitting in. This was apparent when I wasn't one of the jocks in the school. I didn't play one of the many sports that one was required to play to be considered cool. It wasn't my thing. I was in choir, show choir, theatre, and loved the journalism courses I took and also loved being the president of the newspaper. I was determined I believe to be in theatre. Old bios in programs scream future actor when I would write things such as "future goals are to move to L.A. or NYC and become a successful film and stage actor." My parents weren't too thrilled by this...reasonably so. Their child was wanting to do something that was totally different. He wasn't going to stay in small town Ohio the rest of his life. They pretty much wanted me to have a degree in something that I could use as a "fall back." I hated that--and still do in so many ways. It's the worst thing to say to a dreaming child. They meant well but lesson learned...my child will NEVER hear those words.
I was off to college and not really finding a major that we could compromise on I decided to pursue a music degree in voice. Thinking it would gear me towards musical theatre or just theatre in general. All right...wonderful. I get there and I start having the best time of my life. Ahhh to be around people who were as weird as me...other people who weren't the coolest in their schools. People who were artists! It was just amazing! Thrilling! I started studying voice. My first real teacher opened me up in the four years I studied with her. All of my good vocal habits I learned from her training! She knew what she was doing with my voice and wanted to make it as usable and limber as possible. NO strain and no force necessary. Every lesson was progress...I was amazed. There was always something new happening! I some how edged into the world of opera. I had never seen an opera, let alone sang anything like that before. Here was an amazing challenge that was before me. I wanted to do this. I wanted to try and sing classically. I loved the stories, the language, the combination of theatre, and the thought of being a part of a high art was thrilling to me. I continued for a while to do musicals and pursue that venue as well as opera. It was great fun! I was so busy for a while. At one point I was taking 22 credit hours (insane), singing in a musical, doing an opera, and also a chorus. It was a constant busy. I would have class starting at 8:30 and wouldn't be home until 10:30. I LOVED it!! However somewhere along the way I got lost...lost in this ideal...lost in what my journey SHOULD be. I thought I would continue into this opera world and that grad. school was the best option. I suppose it was at the time. I was scared to death to do anything else. Leaving school and entering the real world at that time would have been frightening.
OK so I continued...staying at my alma mater. I felt it necessary to study with a new teacher who I believed could really take a voice to another level. The voice changed...at first this new found confidence was amazing. It was thrilling and it was something I couldn't resist being a part of. My teacher was this gigantic force of amazing-ness. He was this truly amazing person to me...a very strong male presence in my life that was much needed at the time. His personality was just as big as he was tall and I loved it. Somehow things got twisted...I started wanting to BE him. Which is impossible. After singing in Europe (which was the time of my life) I started questioning my technique. My teachers in Europe brought the technique back down...saying my voice was beautiful and just to let it flow out. It felt natural. Not as technically produced as I came in with when I would just let go and sing. But through this all I realized that I got too far into my head. I felt I should be this certain type of baritone. I should have this specific sound--which never seemed to be pleasing enough to my teacher--who I believe in some ways was a perfectionist because he wanted success for his students so badly. I thought I should be a certain way, I could only sing certain music, I couldn't switch styles, I should never go out and live, I should always be studying a score, always sacrificing, etc. This unhealthy thinking has continued...I've relinquished most of it. But constantly have to deal with it. Perhaps my disappointment in my being honest about questioning technique and being handed a card of hurt feelings and belief of lies was hard to deal with. However honesty is always the best policy. Throughout all of this I have learned more about my voice, and more importantly about myself.
When I think about how difficult some parts of my journey have been thus far, I've often wanted to cry thinking it is hopeless! Now I feel the ability to truly let go of things. To be the child I was when I did all kinds of things. There's nothing to fear. Everyone will have different opinions, but in the end we choose our own happiness and journey. Just like my parents saying "you should have a fall back career," or a teacher saying "there's something different about your voice I think we need to push this down and do this..." we MUST take that with a grain of salt. It proves that we cannot follow their journeys, but only learn from what they tell us, eh?
Here I am sitting at my desk at my day job. It's great. I have a salary, benefits, and time off. I work with amazing people. It's true there are days when sitting at the desk all day makes me want to shove bamboo under my nails. It's true I often wish I could be busy. But it allows me to be in a job where I'm not constantly traveling, running around, or always stressed and tired. It allows me to look through music, read, or do whatever I need during the day...it allows me the ability to pay my bills, and continue to strive for what I want to do. I've been in NYC almost a year and have been in two NYC shows, have a professional singing gig, will be singing a role in a NYC premiere of an opera, and made so many wonderful friends and a relationship people envy. I'm SUPER blessed to be where I'm at at this time. When I look back I'm glad I didn't play sports. I'm glad I never tried to fit in during that period of my life, and when I tried to I see why it failed. I get updates occasionally on some people from high school. People will occasionally befriend me on myspace or facebook. People I haven't spoken to or thought of in years. I find it funny to hear stories of the popular girl or guy who I remember always shining, always seeming to be full of life and dreams--and what's ironic is when I hear they have married (some multiple times), have 5 kids, live in a trailer park, and work making minimum wage or a little above. And even more so these people who were the object of sexual desire in the school have gained weight here and there--some more than others. It makes me laugh a little on the inside...and in some ways makes me want to give a big resounding FUCK YOU to all those people who called me a fag or some other amazingly insulting name. I want to scream FUCK YOU--here I am and there you are! But then I realize I have to let that go. Everyone's journey is different. Perhaps they're happy--perhaps they never want to leave small town Ohio. That's fine.
While at times I get itchy to do what I really want to do 24/7 I have to remember patience is the key. To answer the question as of what would I do differently? In reality I can't go back. If I could I would have studied theatre 100%, or English, or Business. And then skipped straight ahead to a trade such as massage therapist or yoga instructor. Doing something that would allow me to set my own schedule while making an income trying to be a performing artist. That wasn't my journey. I chose and my world was shaken-there you have it. So what, right? We can plan only so much-and then we have to just let fate take over. That was my answer to the person I spoke to today. Simply that you can't plan too much. I think she thought I was being vague, as often people do. I've been told it's not the proactive choice to take-when in fact I think it's the most active choice one can take at any time. To just let go and let things happen. Why would I try to continue pushing things in my life? It doesn't work. Tonight I start practicing fully again. I coach this week. I'm nervous because all of these thoughts are swirling through my head from the past. This vocal image that I think I should have...WILL I BE ABLE TO FULFILL THAT? WILL I BE EXTREMELY RUSTY? WHAT IS MY FACH? WAS I CRAZY TO THINK I WAS MAYBE A TENOR WHEN I COULD LEGITIMATELY BE A TRUE LYRIC BARITONE? WHAT REP SHOULD I BE DOING? HOW CAN I SING M.T. AND ALSO BE VERSATILE AND AGILE ENOUGH TO STILL KEEP MY OPERA CHOPS GOING? WHAT IF I AM ALWAYS REJECTED IN BOTH? AM I EVER GOING TO BE FREE FROM MY THOUGHTS? WHAT IF I'VE DAMAGED MY VOICE? This is the dialogue...I'm living with it, accepting the questions, and choosing to live the answers. I wrote earlier on a piece of paper that ANY utterance of sound that comes out of me MUST come with purpose of some kind. There has to be a reason or motivation that it is coming out. Otherwise there is no point.
Life changes. You can't plan too much. You can't listen too much. Feel more. Wax on, wax off. Winter/Spring will hopefully bring an enlightening artistic period of continuing to just do by experimenting and studying a bit more. The decisions will be made. We move in a couple of weeks. So many wonderful changes that I cannot wait for. The journey continues. I must write and will write a book someday.
For now-
J.
No comments:
Post a Comment