Emptiness

Today the emptiness sets in

addiction is not a friendly thing.

Realizations that change is necessary-

deep inner strength. Important. I can do this-I know it. 

Breathe deep breaths

drink water 

breath

breath

look at today-not tomorrow or 5 years from now. 

Today-

the power of now--IMPORTANT. 

This is hard

but will pass.

The urge to put toxins in my body will be gone.

Soon.

I can still enjoy those situations with friends

hanging out

long trips

all these are possible.

Habit is hard to break.

Onward and upward.

As Kim has said before...

some things are just not good for people

and some of us have problems with moderation. 

I made apple pie last night.

This was a test b4 I make it tomorrow in Rochester.

I'm nervous but excited.

Almost a year--seriously?

Going on 11 months...

every evening I still get butterflies when we crawl into bed together

kissing that part of his chin just before his lip

always makes me smile.

I wish I had his moderation discipline in life. 

Perhaps when I get older. We'll see.

For now the journey continues.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Off to Rochester late tonight. 

Be back sometime Friday evening/early Saturday. 

Then it's officially Christmas in the city. Ahhhh!

:)

XOXOOX

Justin 

It's like grieving

As if I step back into time

leaving a part of my life I've known for so long.

Those same feelings flood through me.  Actually-

I'm trying to soothe them. Medicate them.

I cried so hard that night, the 31st.  

I was dropped off and alone-truly everything moved and changed within the short hours of the day.

I had lost control.

I grieved for months.  

There were days I couldn't move

-certain I had done the wrong thing. 

What was I thinking? I asked every day. 

I had to convince myself to stay each day-

thinking about the past and the past routines

faces of the familiar made me cry.

I felt lost-crazed-and insane.

I knew I couldn't do this. I was doing the right thing. 

You toughen up

you move on

each day you do something else

keep the mind moving

take a shower

get in the sun

everything will be ok.

As I continue this journey of losing an addiction

I am finding myself on my stomach

pounding my fists on the ground

"I Don't WANT TO"

throwing fits of rage.

But I know I have to do it. 

I need more than anything to regain total control.

Get through this

open up

renew

refresh

it will all be ok. 

Life goes on. 

Obla di obla da.

-J.

Angry at times

Obama is our new president-come January.  I'm thrilled-yet still frightened that as people we are expected too much-

too fast. I remain hopeful.  

53000 jobs lost at Citi Bank-

UNBELIEVABLE LOSS.

Student loans-some places aren't even doing them anymore.

These are scary times. 

I fight with my money-

try to protect it..staying on top.

No one understands the fear.

I don't understand the fear. To have nothing-it's scary.

No longer sending that out to the Universe.

Plenty-

enough-

fullness-

and wealth are what's going out now. 

Everyone needs to think that way.

The news isn't helping. 

Constantly sending the bad energy/bad things into the Universe

creates more for us.

I believe that stuff.

How does one stay calm in the midst of a storm?

These are questions I don't know the answers to.

Seeing numbers that aren't there.

Take a leap of faith.

Lots of those happening lately. 

Remembering the ones who were there...that's the important stuff.

The true friends.

There are so few these days.

I go back to Ohio...

real friends-true ones...

we don't see each other often

but it was that connection that was still present made me realize that there was nothing like them nor will there ever be.

What a great wedding.

Beautiful.

Colorful.

Full of love.

I'm tired of giving to people and not getting back-

so many things one does for someone else and to be shit upon is the worst.

I'm done. 

January starts anew...

we cut the strings

and we start fresh--letting go of the old. 

Time to grow.

Time to fly.

--J.

Fridays

It has been some time since I've written.  I haven't really felt like putting my recent writings out there for all to see.  A lot of personal stuff going on and dealing with a lot of good and challenging things in my head.  

I've realized not through my own measure but also with the nudging of a wonderful soul that I am too difficult on myself.  I need to take smaller steps to success rather than trying to do 5 million things at once.  If I want to be positive I try that along with trying to get to the gym EVERY DAY, READ every day, practice EVERY day, be a good and loving partner, be the artist I know how to be, get on top of my finances in this crazy world, find some wonderful sense of spirituality in my life....it's too much.  One can't do this all at one time.  It's impossible.  I was getting frustrated with myself when I would miss just one demand that I placed on myself.  I was beating myself-not being self nurturing at all.  A lot of this comes from my past...feeling like perfection MUST be reached (which is IMPOSSIBLE).  That perfection constantly had to be met when I was young too because of the church I grew up in.  It seemed like a mandate to constantly put on a good face, always be doing something, maintain adherence to the strictest of rules that "God" and "the Bible" supposedly want you to follow in life.  That's way too much pressure for someone. Life is WAY too short.  

My goal is to wake up every day with a smile on my face and remember that the day is a totally new day! It's a fresh start! Nurturing is important and I will continue to nurture myself in whatever way I am able to.  Some of the things that I can do that are nurturing to myself are things I love to do: cooking, yoga, practicing (yes it can be healing and nurturing and SHOULD be looked at in this way), getting lost in reading a good play, going to as many live performances as possible, watching a good movie, sleeping in, talking to Greg in bed before going to sleep, drinking tea, walking through the park, getting coffee and walking, taking a guilt free nap......these are all wonderful things that I LOVE doing.  The frustration comes in thinking "I wish EVERY DAY could be spent like Saturday morning."  In a way it can...we have to lift the pressure off ourselves and allow ourselves to indulge--no we should DEMAND ourselves to dabble throughout the day in that relaxed energy that we find when we are nurturing.  Whether it's stepping away from the desk for 10 minutes to walk to Starbucks and grab a tea and just enjoy the walk back.....or allow ourselves the extre 5 minutes in the morning to remember to pack that special tea from home that we love along with that sandwich that we always enjoy.  Let's treat ourselves to something we enjoy.  There's a lemon calm tea that I can only find at work that tastes SO good.  The tart taste reminds me of something I love and the warmth and smell are so soothing that it just makes me feel a little bit better at my desk knowing I have it next to me.  Give yourself the props to indulge in something you love.  Hell if it costs more money at the store who CARES!  Don't deprive yourself.  LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! 

So I refuse to live in bondage anymore.  Life is way too short.  We create our own universe!  I want mine to be a calm universe with few storms....

Here's to a good day and good weekend! 

XO

Justin

Perspective

interestingly people can provide perspective for us sometimes. 

that happened to me this weekend. 

one of my longest best friends visited me. 

i haven't seen her in over a year. 

it was so great to see her.

she has changed.

mellowed out in some ways.

i realized through her eyes that i was doing the right thing. 

i secured my place in this world...

somehow it was confirmed.

my past meeting the present.

a soft gentle hand of everything in the past

patting me on the back

"it's ok...you're absolutely right"

breathe in...

breathe out...

keep climbing. 

:)

Today

I'm thankful to be living in the new apartment. 

I'm thankful for wonderful friends. 

I'm thankful for good sex.

I'm thankful for performing gigs.

I'm thankful for hope.

I'm thankful for employment.

I'm thankful for the gym!

-JR

WHY

do so many "christians" who are SO good at quoting scripture ALWAYS forget one that I think is pretty important..."judge not lest ye be judged..."

Hmmmmm

Rainy Days & Fridays always get me down...

I love the Carpenters. I love their lyics, sound, and artistry. Days like today I could just sit in a room and listen to them over and over again.
Today for some reason I'm harboring seriously negative thoughts and feelings. I hate doing this, and I know I am the only one who can change it. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. and was wide awake. There is no explanation as to why, it just was. It took me an hour to go back to sleep. Perhaps I have more on my mind than I thought I did or ever realized. So many wonderful things are happening and yet I feel stuck in a lot of ways. The Tolle "ego" is really getting in my way. I'm going to start reading the Power of Now again. I know these things can't be my salvation, but some enlightenment would be fantastic right now. I'm amazed at how life comes and goes and how we can have everything yet still feel like we have nothing. Remembering what we do have is the key I suppose. I couldn't help today but think of my long walks in Urbania with Bernard. I am blessed with so many wonderful friends in my life, but his friendship I desperately miss and I look forward to reconnecting with him again soon. Perhaps fear is creeping back into my life more. I have a lot of singing coming up and I feel so unprepared. I haven't had a lesson in months. I don't feel like I need one every week-but I need a giant tune up. A lot of that is my fault for not consistently practicing. I still haven't given up smoking which infuriates me even more. I can't stop thinking about how strong this addiction has a hold on me. No one, unless they are a smoker, understands this. I wish I could just let it go...but thinking of impending situations and not being able to smoke makes me feel lost. I'm imagining these situations at their worst--at the times when I enjoy smoking the most. It's really quite ridiculous. I come up with plan after plan and fail to follow through because of fear. I'm waking up to myself hacking up junk in the middle of then night. Something I've never done before. What's worse is I worry with my family history of heart disease that I'm just slowly killing myself...and then my voice...I can't even imagine how much stronger things would be without smoking. I have to just stop and yet I don't. Like every addiction there's a fear...there's an extreme empty feeling you feel when even pondering your life without that specific drug. Reworking your entire life seems like such a hard thing. It seems like a task unachievable! I read the best book on stopping smoking...it really inspired me...and then I stopped half way through and then picked it up two weeks later only to finish it with more fear of just letting go. I go to try and find it and of course it's packed away in a box. Go figure, right? I think I just have to get some deep inner strength going, suck it up, and follow through regardless. I'm moving in less than a week essentially. I'm not packed completely, and I feel like the plan in vague. I want nothing more than to just snap my fingers and have it all be completely done and behind me. Wouldn't that be lovely?
Anyways...I'm going to try and be as positive the rest of the day as possible. Right now I just want to crawl into a hole, sleep, and cry.

XO
Justin