It's like grieving

As if I step back into time

leaving a part of my life I've known for so long.

Those same feelings flood through me.  Actually-

I'm trying to soothe them. Medicate them.

I cried so hard that night, the 31st.  

I was dropped off and alone-truly everything moved and changed within the short hours of the day.

I had lost control.

I grieved for months.  

There were days I couldn't move

-certain I had done the wrong thing. 

What was I thinking? I asked every day. 

I had to convince myself to stay each day-

thinking about the past and the past routines

faces of the familiar made me cry.

I felt lost-crazed-and insane.

I knew I couldn't do this. I was doing the right thing. 

You toughen up

you move on

each day you do something else

keep the mind moving

take a shower

get in the sun

everything will be ok.

As I continue this journey of losing an addiction

I am finding myself on my stomach

pounding my fists on the ground

"I Don't WANT TO"

throwing fits of rage.

But I know I have to do it. 

I need more than anything to regain total control.

Get through this

open up

renew

refresh

it will all be ok. 

Life goes on. 

Obla di obla da.

-J.