Awakening

I recently finished Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth."  At first it took me a while to get into it, my mind was cluttered with too much information.  I read "The Power of Now" which he had written a while back, and found the information incredibly enlightening and powerful.  I do recommend "A New Earth" to anyone seeking some new ideas, enlightenment, or an "ah-ha!" moment.  I certainly had quite a few of those moments in the reading.  I didn't find the book to be dogmatic in any way, and because of my past I have to be careful of that.  At any case I've found all of this to be wonderful reiteration of the reality of what I've known for some time. 

About 5 years ago I was about to finish undergrad and I was home during Christmas break.  My mother was out of town for the holiday and I had the house to myself for over a week.  I would drive to my dad and step mom's or sister's house but otherwise I relished in the quiet alone time. During this period of time I was terribly unhappy.  I was doing a lot of painful writing, soul searching, and agonizing over my future.  I had no idea what to do, where to go, or where I wanted to go.  I had just purchased my first lap top and decided this would be a good time to start journaling.  One particular evening I found myself depressed, bored, and lonely.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  I was waiting for this happiness that I just wasn't feeling.  I kept trying to fill the voids by getting into a relationship, getting in a good grad school, being the best performer I could be, making myself busy, etc.  This particular evening it hit a head. I began to write. My thoughts poured from deep within me.  I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stop smoking, couldn't consistently feel good about my work, why I was having vocal problems, why I was over weight, etc.  Finally I had an "ah ha!" moment while writing.  Even then in the mess I was I realized that the problem was that I wasn't living directly in the moment.  I was thinking ahead or in the past.  I kept thinking..."if I can get into X school or X place I will have a career and then I will be happy and will be set....if I am in a relationship I will be fulfilled and I will stop feeling like I'm all over the place...if only I could focus more while practicing I would sound like X Person or Y person..." I suddenly had the realization that there were too many future variables and ifs within everything I was thinking.  I was living for that instead of now, and because of that my now was miserable and I wasn't getting anything done anyways.  I was making myself miserable because I was projecting into the future too much.  I realized this five years ago....and yet throughout the past three years have still struggled with it.  Why?  Because it is one of the hardest things to overcome--the ego.  The ego has an extreme need to feel miserable, to make you project into the future, etc.  Reading this book was just a final realization that this will be the only thing to work for me.  I HAVE to live in the moment, awaken, and realize that now is all we have.  I've been working very hard at this off and on now for a week.  I've finally committed to do this fully.  It's not easy at first but I truly believe the present has power unseen.  I think back (which I shouldn't do) at the times so far in my life when I've suffered with my own mind...not feeling good enough...being in bad relationships...being frustrated....making extreme plans for the future....etc.  I can only look back in amazement that I really didn't know anything.  Now is the time move on and focus on what now has to offer.  I'm challenged by this every day as I step onto a crowded train, am running into the office, am working with changing vocal fachs, am struggling with nicotine addiction, enjoy the benefits of a healthy and loving relationship....I'm challenged....and yet in the present this is what it is.  It's here. Enjoy it. I'm going to. From now on.  

Justin