Dreaming

Unsure of my emotions with everything right now
I run away and hide in so many ways
realizing the issues that alas I have.
Finding reasons to push you away
I move further and further back
this isn't real
it's not going to work
and I feel it's too much-
thoughts in my mind.
Have I created this?
I think so.
I get to the core of it
and I tell myself to stop thinking
to just go with
but settling is what it feels like
could I be waiting for the impossible-
that which does not exist?
Do I foresee the end already
and have no reason to want to deal with it.
I'm unsure in so many ways
I'm closing up
as always.
I don't know what I see
or who I see as I sit across that room
at that dinner party
and I smile.
A fragment of myself
I'm still not letting go of.
wanting a non existent you to walk in
it's what I've wanted
yet when it happens
it feels too soon-always
as if I need to continually hold out longer.
I cant wait forever.
The mystery is intriguing
the work is not.
He stares me in the eyes
I stare back and this quick glance makes me feel good again
is it just sex and mystery
and beyond that it's awkward
difficult
hard to deal with.
Unsure-
I'm a creature of myself
the pleasure of my own company
crazy-yet true.
I cant run as fast as you any more
I've done that.
I also don't want to lead
funny because I don't want to be led too much-
I'm a contradiction
hang on
the ride could be bumpy.
-Justin