A deep one

I read an article yesterday-
it reminded me how important my instrument is to me-
it made me think of you
everything it said made sense
negating everything you have said in the past
everything warped in my head
is it me?
I used to ask often
even as I read.
Perhaps it's my thinking that's wrong
perhaps I rely on the instruction too much.
no.
probably a combination of both.
I found myself angered as I read
more at myself than you.
at myself for not listening to the inner voice for so long.
That voice saying this probably is too much.
Now many months later
here I am
reworking everything
picking up the pieces
attempting to nurture the colors
preserve what is there
and find what is me.
This is what you wanted
you asked for this all along
it was what you wanted.
somehow I might not have been ready.
This is for the peace
peace I need to make
for angry and untrue words
spoken amongst us
others lighting the fire.
I adored you
admired you
trusted you.
I can't be angry anymore
because I have to pick up the pieces
I can no longer blame you
for the weight that I'm working on getting rid of
the tension
the thinking
and the wanting to be perfect
the wanting to be someone else.
Without you I never would have been able to learn this
this has made me stronger
this will make me better
for this I thank you.
I'm nailing the coffin right now.
-Justin