Alarm clock

This morning my alarm went off

I must have changed it about 10 times. It was so hard to get up after sleeping in this weekend and having such a wonderful weekend.  Today I am SO thankful for:

1. An amazing weekend spent with two of my best friends and the love of my life.  

2. Perfect weather this weekend.

3. Amazing food all weekend.  

4.  Amazing conversations.

5. Many perfect moments with Greg this weekend. 

6. Clarity.

7. Being present.

8. Getting sleep.

9. Having many realizations.

10. Being supported.

11. Having money in my account.

12. Getting tan.

13. Making it to work on time.

14. Adjusting to being back in the city rather quickly.

15. The man who hands out the free paper outside of Grand Central every day saying Good Morning to everyone.  

16. Drunk messages from Jodie. 

17. Feeling good today.

18. Having "steady income"

19. Not paying anything for coffee this morning. 

20. Being happy.

Justin

Sigh

So I have much to be thankful for.  I'm happy today is Friday--the beginning of a long weekend.  I'm so happy about that.  I'm thankful for Grey's Anatomy being the most kick ass episode in the world last night. Holy cow!!!!  Seriously faboo!

Anyways...

For some reason during the latter part of this week I've been experiencing what appear to be mini panic attacks.  I haven't spoken about this to anyone all week and I feel blogging about it can only help me to get those thoughts out there.  They've been coming at odd times.  This morning on the train I was fine and then half way through the ride I felt my heart beating fast.  I feel they are more serious and heavy anxiety than anything.  I'm not totally sure why.  On Wed. I went to the chiropractor.  When I laid on the table to get my back worked on by the electronic things I was left alone in the room and suddenly felt anxious and had the hardest time letting go and not being panicky.  This bled into me being at work and sitting at the desk doing research on anxiety and panic disorder--so at that point I read myself into having almost a full blown attack.  I had to shut off the screen, turn on music, and go to the bathroom.  I realized that my coffee consumption this week has been higher than normal.  I had cut WAY back and suddenly without reason I picked back a lot of my consumption.  I realized that that morning I had a Venti (large) half decaf and half regular from starbucks, and then two full regular small cups of coffee...and then proceeded without thinking to have a Venti (large) non-fat iced chai which has almost more caffeine than 4 cups of coffee.  Ok so the problem was that.  Now it's all in my head again....worrying that I'll just lose my shit...when in reality I know that's not going to happen at all.  I know I'm fine but I'm just experiencing some kind of weird reaction to my body and the changes its going through.  I honestly cannot ingest too much of anything be it food or drink because I think it mucks my mind up.  I know my limitations so I need to stick with them.  

In doing a lot of this soul searching and internal work lately I've read and heard that many people experience this type of thing while they let go of the control they feel they have on their lives.  I truly believe this is me.  I need to continue to tell myself that what I'm doing is right and that I'm fine and to keep letting go more and more.  

Also seeing a shrink will help....:)

Have a great weekend to anyone who reads this. 

XO

Justin

Awakening

I recently finished Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth."  At first it took me a while to get into it, my mind was cluttered with too much information.  I read "The Power of Now" which he had written a while back, and found the information incredibly enlightening and powerful.  I do recommend "A New Earth" to anyone seeking some new ideas, enlightenment, or an "ah-ha!" moment.  I certainly had quite a few of those moments in the reading.  I didn't find the book to be dogmatic in any way, and because of my past I have to be careful of that.  At any case I've found all of this to be wonderful reiteration of the reality of what I've known for some time. 

About 5 years ago I was about to finish undergrad and I was home during Christmas break.  My mother was out of town for the holiday and I had the house to myself for over a week.  I would drive to my dad and step mom's or sister's house but otherwise I relished in the quiet alone time. During this period of time I was terribly unhappy.  I was doing a lot of painful writing, soul searching, and agonizing over my future.  I had no idea what to do, where to go, or where I wanted to go.  I had just purchased my first lap top and decided this would be a good time to start journaling.  One particular evening I found myself depressed, bored, and lonely.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  I was waiting for this happiness that I just wasn't feeling.  I kept trying to fill the voids by getting into a relationship, getting in a good grad school, being the best performer I could be, making myself busy, etc.  This particular evening it hit a head. I began to write. My thoughts poured from deep within me.  I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stop smoking, couldn't consistently feel good about my work, why I was having vocal problems, why I was over weight, etc.  Finally I had an "ah ha!" moment while writing.  Even then in the mess I was I realized that the problem was that I wasn't living directly in the moment.  I was thinking ahead or in the past.  I kept thinking..."if I can get into X school or X place I will have a career and then I will be happy and will be set....if I am in a relationship I will be fulfilled and I will stop feeling like I'm all over the place...if only I could focus more while practicing I would sound like X Person or Y person..." I suddenly had the realization that there were too many future variables and ifs within everything I was thinking.  I was living for that instead of now, and because of that my now was miserable and I wasn't getting anything done anyways.  I was making myself miserable because I was projecting into the future too much.  I realized this five years ago....and yet throughout the past three years have still struggled with it.  Why?  Because it is one of the hardest things to overcome--the ego.  The ego has an extreme need to feel miserable, to make you project into the future, etc.  Reading this book was just a final realization that this will be the only thing to work for me.  I HAVE to live in the moment, awaken, and realize that now is all we have.  I've been working very hard at this off and on now for a week.  I've finally committed to do this fully.  It's not easy at first but I truly believe the present has power unseen.  I think back (which I shouldn't do) at the times so far in my life when I've suffered with my own mind...not feeling good enough...being in bad relationships...being frustrated....making extreme plans for the future....etc.  I can only look back in amazement that I really didn't know anything.  Now is the time move on and focus on what now has to offer.  I'm challenged by this every day as I step onto a crowded train, am running into the office, am working with changing vocal fachs, am struggling with nicotine addiction, enjoy the benefits of a healthy and loving relationship....I'm challenged....and yet in the present this is what it is.  It's here. Enjoy it. I'm going to. From now on.  

Justin

Refresh

Somedays we just need a reminder.  I'm posting this from a blog several months ago....still very true. I need to be reminded:

"The only constant is change" is my new stolen motto.  Change is constant, change is good, and I will relish in the moments of change because life is always moving.  Being an honest, sharing, open, kind, and genuinely grounded person is at the forefront of my mind.  I'm an artist-this will never change.  Material that means something to me is what I choose to do.  Having an open mind about all genres of art is a daily affirmation.  Living and loving my art and those around me is essential.  Letting go of the past, past voices, past fears, past control, past loves, and everything else that is in the way of constant motion is something to be done daily.  Mediocrity has no place in my life anymore whether from friends, colleagues, or myself-it's just unacceptable-period. Connection and being constantly present and awakening daily are essential to my daily diet.  Running from connecting with people or following through with connections is not a trait to be tolerated. This is my constant change. "

Justin

Today

Change remains the only constant--thankfully!  Today I'm thankful for much...especially in a world where politics and talk of recession, financial depression, and gloom are running crazy.  I'm thankful for:

1) Waking up in a pretty good mood.

2) Even though I didn't have hot water for at least being able to get into the shower this morning and bathe. 

3) All the thousands of people including myself who walked in the AidsWalk yesterday in Central Park. 

4) For having an amazing supervisor at work who isn't angry with me when I'm almost 20 minutes late because of the train. 

5) For having great friends.

6) For having money to put food in my stomach.

7) For having a nice weekend with Greg.

8) For being able to watch Joplin last week...(merrrr I miss her)

9) For having work.

10) For not having a car and the expense that it brings right now. 

11) For having a long weekend coming up.

12) For having the knowledge and ability to bring my own art into my life that I choose.

13) For having a voice.

14) For reconnecting.

15) For disconnecting. 

16) For cleaning out and starting fresh. 

17) For lunch in my bag today.

18) For supportive parents.

19) For clothes on my back.

20) For health.

21) For happiness.

22) For music.

23) For Kathleen Turner on my ipod this morning.

More to come...today was long...I have much to be grateful for.  :) Today and this week will be good! 

XO

Justin

I'm thankful...

this morning for:

Thus far raising $325 for the Aids Walk on Sunday...being closer to my $500 goal.  

The people who have selflessly given to this cause!!

Waking up having a cute dog lick my face

and even better--waking up next to my amazing love who regardless of how ugly I am in the morning, pissy I have been lately, weird I have been acting...has loved me regardless. :)

Having an amazing dinner last night.

Mashed potatoes that taste like heaven.  

Starbucks that isn't totally crammed with people this morning.  

PayDay!

Having food in my stomach.

Having money in my wallet and bank.

The train being on time.

Having an amazing boss.

Reconnecting.

Seltzer Water.

The Today Show....

air conditioning.

xo

Justin

Gym and such

So this is a short little fun story...I guess my mouth opens before my brain really says "you shouldn't say that..."  But I'm thankful for what is now a funny story to me:

I'm in the gym...I just get done showering and I'm anxious to check my cell phone to see if my friend Andy called because I went WAY over my workout time.  Seeing that I am supposed to meet him I want to see if he's called to make sure I'm not late.  I go to my locker and pull out my phone.  Clearly I'm in just a towel but I'm grabbing my phone to briefly look and see if I've missed a call.  There is a sign that says "no cell phones permitted in use in locker room."  Ok well we all know why that is...obviously someone could take numerous pictures and videos of men completely naked and then post them on the net.  I've seen many guys use their cell phones, so I'm thinking it's no big deal.  I pull mine out and notice I have a voice mail.  I walk to the mirror while checking my message and start putting my product in my hair.  As I close my phone and walk back I notice an old, rather over weight man staring at me-whilst buck naked.  He says to me in a very prudish tone, "you're not supposed to use those in here."  Without thinking my mouth opened and I find myself saying "well just so you know I'm making a phone call that's important--and if I were to take nudie pictures or videos it would not be of you!"  

AHHAHA! 

Justin

This is the problem with our society!

Wow...this is ridiculous. This is what I grew up hearing--and now it makes me sick....realizing the hatred in this. This is what's dividing our country right now folks. We cannot let these narrow minded people force their beliefs on everyone else. It relates to my favorite prayer: "Lord please save me from your people!"

Mainstream...and gratitude

Today I'm thankful for:

1) waking up in a warm bed next to someone I love. 

2) having the first day in months of just going with the flow.

3) feeling alive.

4) having drinks with great friends last night.

5) Kelly Francis and her half full approach to life.

6) Kim Thomspon--just for being her every day and making me think in ways I don't usually think.

7) New possibilities.

8) An open mind.

9) people to cover the desk when I'm gone.

10) The guy in the coffee shop in the building who has mine ready as soon as I step up to the counter in the mornings. 

11) A red pen that I love at my desk.

12) A trip to see my family in PA tomorrow.

13) A free evening.

14) An evening of no gym.

15) getting paid next week. 

Mainstream issues...

I'm trying to get it through my head that it's ok to be a multi-tasker in life.  For some reason I used to be able to do this and the older I get the more it feels impossible. These ideals that one should do just do one thing and be set with that are ridiculous.  Yet I find myself clinging to them the older that I get.  I think it can be scary for people who have these ideals in their head of who they are to really jump off the normal path.  For me I'm finding that I can't sit still very long without getting bored.  I don't want to be bored.  Especially bored artistically.  Life is way too short to be stewing all of the time.  I saw two actors on the train yesterday and listened to their conversations about how they were doing 8 auditions a day and not getting work...and they were frustrated because they had no money and were worn out.  They looked like hell--and I thought "how could you possibly give a good audition looking the way you do and feeling so tired?"  Some people think one doesn't have drive if they're not wanting to constantly audition...they think they just are lazy. I don't always agree.  Yes I'm sure there are lazy actors/singers out there-I know some.  But the quality of work being offered is not the best.  I look for auditions frequently...and nothing sparks me.  Yes there is a chain you have to crawl up so they say--but really, do you?  Does one really have to compromise their artistic values for a small paycheck just to put something on the resume?  I believe I would rather do free GOOD work than shitty paid work just to put something on my resume.  I read Classical Singer magazine and I am mixed between the thoughts of..."wow this so great that there is a community for people..." and "oh my this is TOO much of everyone trying to learn the same thing and figure things out..."  I've decided I have a lot of interests...reading is a key for keeping my mind clear.  I've been reading A NEW EARTH by Eckhart Tolle.  It's quite good--and remarkably life changing.  I'm almost finished and I'm hoping to keep with the truth of each and every moment.  But I want to be a multi-tasker. I want to do different things.  Passion will carry you through...you have to be completely engaged so that the passion pulls you in.  I haven't felt that in a while.  There hasn't been any project that has kept me up all night learning lines, studying, reading, etc....for a LONG time.  I want that again. I want that obsession--that drive.  I know it's slowly coming back...and I just have to be open to whatever form it may come in.  Onwards and upwards, eh?  

Justin

Today

Today I'm thankful for:

1) The free box of girl scout cookies.

2) The sun

3) having money

4) being alive

5) having a good conversation with Doug this morning.

6) my flowers that were given to me. 

7) having a good laugh

8) hearing Kim's laughter.

9) Getting a good chuckle out of another person ignoring my request--too funny!

10) Reconnecting with some ties.

11) Breaking old ones.

12) Learning to make peace with some things.

13) thinking about making sweet love tonight.

14) being able to read.

All of the above and more...

it's a good day.

Ciao-

Justin

Dreaming

Dreaming is fun-it fills my heart with hope.

My mixed emotions of "wow is this my life?"

hit hard.

Hit hard in a good way.

There are so many things I want. 

So many things I know will for sure happen.

In time.

Impatient? Yes.

Being with three of my favorite people all weekend--

happy days.

Makes me want to live closer. 

I can envision dinner parties weekly...

being a part of that daily life

with people I love.  It feels essential.

Today I woke up with less back pain.

I woke up extremely happy.

Coming back into my room to sweet kisses

I didn't want to leave.

I could have stayed all day.

Noticing the little things...

the way the chin and lips are set

just how I like them.

I'm thankful for all of this..

so many things.

My heart is full.

XO

Justin