Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?

Do you remember that Alanis Morisette song back in like 6th grade, "Ironic?"
The lyrics came to life for me the other night and I couldn't help but laugh out loud....
I was STARVING and walking up 57th and 7th by Carnegie Hall and considered stopping at my favorite diner there...
alas the diner only takes cash....I considered running to the ATM but though "ya know it's too late to eat...but I'm starving...oh maybe I can find something...maybe something will pop up...ehh no...I'll get cash." SO I get cash and sit down and enjoy something quick. As I approach Columbus Circle there are masses of people that goes all the way to Lincoln Center...I take off my headphones from my ipod and here music everywhere. Alas....all kinds of restaurants are LINED up and giving away free food...kind of a taste of all holiday thing. "It's like a free meal when you've already paid" or something like that that ran across my mind. Go figure, right? LOL
In the midst of chaos and craziness in my world...
as I walk the streets of the city I am stunned how at this time of year everything seems so beautiful!
It's actually putting me in the Christmas mood. All the lights, the trees, and the smells of the people selling trees on the side of the streets. Bryant Park had its tree lighting last night...tonight is Rockefellar Center and I SO wish I could see it--and actually do a real touristy thing. Alas...rehearsal for me. Lincoln center's tree is gorgeous...the lights that shine on City Opera and the Metropolitan Opera are stunning....it makes me smie. So I promise to post pictures when I get a chance. I find people to be unusually friendly this time of year...and my cab driver this mornin especially went out of his way to be nice.
Here's to only a few more weeks till Christmas!
Justin

Day 758349839050

Ok just as a general getting things out there...this is what has been such a stress:
We found an apartment over a month ago in the city. We went through a broker-one recommended to us by good friends. The apartment was perfect in every way in terms of space, cost, location, and all of that. We were up front in saying we needed something SOON as we were both staying with friends. We were shown a wonderful three bedroom apartment that was being renovated-meaning here in the city basically gutted from the floors to the walls and made into a brand new space. It's in a pretty pre-war building and we were told that the renovation would finish within three weeks but our official lease start would be December 1. Ok...a week goes by and no news. Another week goes by...no news once again. Finally we have to leave our friends who were gracious enough to house us for over a month so we're gettin nervous. Both of us find another place to live while in the meantime the broker continues to tell us different information ie; "the apartment will be ready by Friday..." then "oh it should be this Saturday..." and then "well they just have to finish the floors so it should be by Wednsday for sure...." and finally..."I was told I would be the first to know when it will be done." Period-end of sentence-blah! Now I understand that this isn't necessarily the brokers fault...the landlord's perhaps? Who knows. All I know is that we have had numerous unanswered phone calls when we have left messages saying..."HELLO WE NEED TO KNOW A DATE NOW FOR SURE..." all the while they are just thinking all is ok and as long as it's done by Dec. 1 we're good. When you are looking for a temporary home three days seems like a LONG fucking time!! Right? Right. So I go to Massachusettes on Wed. and get the news that the fucking apartment will not be available after Thanksgiving after all! Are you KIDDING ME?!? I've rented a studio on the upper west side for a few days...assuming that the last date they told us which would be tomorrow we would be moving in.....as of the writing of this I haven't heard ANYTHING...and there goes more money on this fucking little studio/hotel that I'm staying at. And on top of that major stress I'm dealing with just kind of jumping into a show here in NYC and dealing with the rehearsal schedule (which thank God for otherwise I may go nuts)....but memorizing that and learning everything.....continuing to love and get used to my new day job.....and learn the damn city because it seems like every week I'm located in a new part of the city......ALL while living out of one big suitcase and with my lap top. Sometimes I just want to stand out on the street and scream! hahaha
BUT regardless of all of that...................
I'm still smiling and doing the best I can considering the circumstances. This is giving me a thicker skin which is much needed! But oh did I ever consider hopping off the bus the other night when we stopped at the Holyoke Mall in Massachusettes ....I wanted to so bad...and call Justin and say "Well I'm staying for good...fuck everything else." HA! But I didn't.
Ok...so if I seem punchy or things are bit off lately--this would be why!!!!! I'm like a turtle who has no shell right now.
XO
Justin

Substitute for Love

Today rain & cold abound in the city.
I feel uber under the weather today.
If there are ever those days you feel like you're just getting by
hanging on to a small thread--
that is me today.
It's the stress of the past few months
finally catching up to my body
the apartment situation
so irritating.
It should be fixed mid week.

This break was amazing.
The most theraputic and much needed time.
Justin & Travis mean so much to me...
we can sit around and do nothing and be happy.
It has always been that way-
in the ever changing world where people change all too often
it's nice to know that my connection with these two never changes-but gets stronger.
I'm so happy they are accessibly close to me
of course I wish we were closer.
I'm envious of their lives in so many ways. They have each other, a beautiful home, and are working through life together.
In so many ways I feel all alone in this world.
That's ok-for now.
A change will abound in the future...
the thoughts on the bus last night of "living that way now...."
totally makes sense.
I love the city
I love performing...
my substitute for love?
not anymore.

-Justin

Thanksgiving

I sit here in a warm beautiful house in Massachusettes...
with two of my best friends who I adore
I'm reminded of why I'm thankful being around them.
We have done nothing-yet so much-it has been much needed.

The apartment is taking longer...once again another delay.
News tomorrow? I hope...
Hitting the computer hardcore tomorrow to figure something out.

Still thankful though.
XO
justin

Allora

Overall the weekend was exhausting....
I hardcore practiced on Saturday for over an hour in a great studio space
I'm trying to get things moving further again and I've been vocalizing parts of three arias.
I wont hit things too heavily until after the show
But my butt was totally kicked.
I grew a tad frustrated with myself at times
and then suddenly became comfortable and happy with the fact that it was time to stand in front of the mirror again and realign, relax the jaw--lay on the floor and simply breathe. I haven't done this for a little while-suddenly it felt comfortable to do this again-nurturing and healing. I kept telling myself to concentrate and relax. It was an ebb and flow. The Donizetti and Rossini felt the best which makes me believe even more that my voice needs to move every day as much as possible.
I had drinks late last week with some of the cast-I was delighted to hear some of their tales of opera-since some of them consider it to be what they do. I complained jokingly about how the baritone voice or at least mine is seeming to take forever to mature..."it will come when it's ready" was the phrase softly spoken to me by a very wise older English actor and singer. That certainly made me smile. I think to an extent we have to ready and open for things in a very spiritual way before they can actually happen to us. It's like the energy around us is not willing to give us what we want until we are completely ready. I will soon be ready-some times it takes long priority check for us to realize what it is we have to do to open up.
The show is going fairly well. LONG rehearsals make me tired though. I'm finding myself jumping between a couple of different worlds more easily than every before. You just have to roll with the punches. I'm worried about memorizing everything I have to memorize. Some things are sticking and some are not sticking. We will block a scene and we may never do it until our run throughs...which kills me. After this week we only like one full week left of rehearsals before jumping into tech and then we open. It's crazy-but if I can make it through this...I can make it through anything. I couldn't have asked for a better day job which I'm now officially a permanent part of which means salary and benefits (which is UBER amazing)...at a wonderful place called Lyon Heart. They are an extremely progressive adversiting and communications firm for major drug companies...it's great!
Tonight I make a move into midtown as the girls I'm staying with now have guests coming. My apartment was supposed to be done last week--of course the renovations are taking longer. We're told that Friday or Saturday it should be done. So a wonderful angel and new friend of mine is letting me crash at his place in Midtown for a few days while he dog sits before I head out of town for the holiday. I'm SO ready to get into the new apartment...Mandy and I are anxiously awaiting just being in our own space!! It will be amazing to finally hang my clothes on hangers and in a closet and not have to iron every day. Although it has been good practice!
For now that's all... :-)
-Justin

Moving forward

This week I heard something about you-
something that normally would have sent me crazy
sent me through the roof because I have no control
I smiled....and didn't feel that clutch in my body
the clutch that normally happens
telling my body that I should hurt.
Finally that day
in Chelsea
eating my cupcake
before rehearsal
I realized-
I'm fine...
the grief has passed.....
I'm relieved.
Nailing the coffin is the only thing that's left.

Life continues to move fast
change is in the air
sempre!
Music
art
listening
being silent and still
--my keys.

Norma

Last night I saw what to me was probably one of the BEST live operatic performances I have seen thus far in my life. I knew I loved Bellini for a reason. Being a Maria Callas buff I of course have listened to Norma many many times-however this experience was the first actually seeing it and hearing it live-and at the Met. to top that off. This was a first rate production in every way! We often hear people say..."I'm a dramatic voice...I'm a heavier voice...etc..."and often we really truly don't have any kind of model to go after...and from my experience we hear a larger voice that is pushed out to project in so many ways. Of course yes it may be a bigger voice and we can hear this...BUT...holy cow hearing these singers was eye opening to the world of larger voices. This to me was what it was...it sounded like they were amplified 100 times with microphones---in EVERY register of their voice. The voice just came right in your face and all around you. In comparison to the really good lyric singers I have heard at the met it's about the same-the only difference is natural "heft" in the sound is less than the dramatic...but still the voice cuts-just in a different way. I was amazed at the EASE that all of the singers sound with...the bass was just GOD! Granted he was probably in his 50's or 60's but the voice just brought tears to my eyes. The Norma was quite brilliant and her technique was flawless! This role is so demanding and she definitely showed no signs of being tired-actually she got better as the evening went on. The tenor was just dynamite and at first I couldn't believe he was a tenor because in so many ways he had a darker baritonal timbre to his voice. The voice just soared. And my favorite of the evening was Dolora Zajick who sang Adalgisa. This woman amazed me in every way...she could soar extremely high and loud over the orchestra and just as much as she would do that she would also bring the sound down to such a soft and quiet point that you were FORCED to listen. Her technique and dramatic energy were flawless. What more can I say? I would sell my first born to somehow be able to have seen Callas sing Norma because I could only imagine how she would have been--but there is magic in this opera--and in this production.
Tonight rehearsals start again...first full read through and sing through. Somehow soon I have to get onto a good gym schedule. It just seems imposisble with this show. I'm not worried about the cardiovascular stuff because I do it every day with as much walking as I'm doing...I just need to be lifting again.
That's all for now...
Justin

Sunday

Ohh my I can't believe tomorrow is Monday
the weekend went way too fast! Today was a long 5 hour music rehearsal and needless to say my voice is tired. This is forcing me to get back 100% in vocal shape, which I haven't been in for a while. After all of the holiday stuff I will get back with my teacher, get things realigned, and start forging ahead on the arias and roles I need to work on. It is nice to be in a show and have something in the evening...but I'm totally looking forward to coming home after work...going to the gym...practicing...studying and reading...and then going to bed. I know it sounds lame-but that sounds amazing right now.
My mom told me the other morning that she just bought some snow man flannel sheets for my bed at home...as a kind of nice incentive for coming home during Christmas-which of course I will anyways. At that moment I could just picture myself crawling into that warm bed...and knowing how much alike my mother and I are I appreciated the simplicity of that-she knew I would. Little things like that make me smile. My family will be coming to see the show...which will be nice. It will be weird because of the rush of the shows but good to see them. I had a long conversation with my best friend tonight which was much needed. He caught me right when I was doing laundry which was the perfect time for a distraction. We tend to jokingly wish things upon one another that we know the other person doesn't really want or says he doesn't want. Example...I tell him I hope he falls in love with someone who is just like me who can't make a simple decision about where to eat, what to buy, etc just to annoy the hell out of him. He tells me tonight that he hopes I meet someone and get married to them because he knows that right now my brain has been simply in "lets get settled and used to this mode." Again simple things like that make me smile...or coming home tonight and chatting with Mandy and hearing about her amazing date...or listening to Abba with the girls and laughing at how old we've become...or shopping in Macy's with Emily and singing Bette Midler's Otto Titsling. Ahhh the joys of life.
Totally random blog, I know.
XO
-justin

Cinderella

So tonight...
I need a breather so I see Cendrillon (Cinderella) at NYC Opera. This was the first opera I did when I was a little 19 year old in college. I had a pretty good seat and was thrilled to see the production updated and set in the 1950s. It actually worked quite well and was very charming, as I think Massenett intended for it to be. The music is exquisite in itself and while I think some of the staged interludes just didn't make sense I do believe the music took care of so much itself. The acting was good...the singing for the most part couldn't be heard the best-I suppose most of this (from previous experiences at City opera) is that the orchestra plays so damn loud. My favorite of the evening was the tenor who played Prince Charming. Not only was he dreamy in every way (or at least from where I sat) but he had such a refined voice that reminded me so much of Juan Diego Florez. He knew what he could do and he didn't push that in any way to try to be something else. The baritone was also on the top of my list-especially his beginning aria which was stunning because his navigation through the passaggio (which there's tons of) was flawless. Now..........................
the WORST part was the people sitting around me. NYC audiences are well known for being some of the best and some of the worst-the worst in terms of manners, which apparently flew out the window with everyone sitting around me tonight. Generally I'm not a snob at the theatre--ok I understand you wanna be comfortable and sometimes you have to do some things-but this is NOT your damn living room. The first problem was that there were 4 girls who came in 10 minutes late and sat three seats down from me. They kept opening up their cell phone...ok after a while I can ignore this...then they talk and carry on a conversation which of course causes the purple haired ladies in front of them and their equally snobby old husbands to turn around and give the looks from hell to these girls to shut up. It apparently didn't work. I couldn't figure out who I was more irritated with, the girls or the old bitchy people. I was just thrilled to see young people there-but someone just needs to show them theatre etiquette. Then the guy sitting to my left decides this is his nap time...and not only that but he was a mouth breather. I'm a mouth breather sometimes so I normally wouldn't knock another fellow mouth breather-but this guy was loud. He started snoring in the second act and after I had enough I nudged him slightly because it was way too loud. I begin to chuckle to myself because the whole evening just seemed funny. At intermission I left to go to the bathroom and see some of the art around the opera house, a good 10 minutes went by. I went back and there was a coat on my seat. As I'm looking at this the girls sitting by me were being lectured by the old cranky ass man in front of them, which an usher nearby. I was quite thrown off by the man and his hard words for these girls who were probably not even 20 and didn't know any better. I always believe there are kinder ways of going about some things-one doesn't have to be mean about it. I start to move the coat thinking it's the girls beside me. A man standing above me says that it's his. I said "well this is my seat." "No it's not," he sternly replies. "Uummm yeah actually it is," I say in a rather calm but don't fuck with me I've had a long week type of voice. So of course I go and pull out my ticket and he still disagrees with me. So I say "ok well there's one empty seat down on the end, I'll take that-will that work for you?" "I can't move up if you want," he says in a softer tone. "No it's fine." I couldn't help but just laugh at this situation after I sat down thinking that really the house was not even full-I could have sat anywhere...or rather HE could have sat anywhere but of course he chose MY seat.
The opera begins after intermission and I'm trying my best to just hope and pray that the heavy breathing stops, the bitchy looks stop, and all will be bliss in opera land. This worked for about 40 minutes actually, until this elderly man decided to have a conversation with his more elderly wife in the middle of one of the quietest arias. Again people turned and gave looks-but this time there were voices saying "be quiet." Finally they were...then I hear scuffling and the man is putting his glass into a bag that zips up so of course this is the loudest thing. He then shoves it under his seat, stands up and prepares to exit. This was almost the final distraction of the evening until heavy breather beside me, who is half asleep still, decides to have a coughing spell and share with everyone around him. Who needs a damn flu shot when you live in New York? Just being in public is enough to build up your immunity and give you the damn flu. haha The opera ended and it was great.
Seeing it brought back some wonderful memories of my first performance on the opera stage and everything that surrounded it. I was sophomore in college-I was so excited to be doing this opera and it seemed at the time that everyone in the show had the most amazing voice. It was triple cast which was insane. Two people who are still my best friends were in the show with me. I haven't seen either of them in some time-but it's a reminder of how life just keeps moving on.
My feet are killing me today from walking. I had to put on shoes I haven't worn in a while because my pair I adore wearing got busted up. I'm still waiting on my winter coat to arrive...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it's getting cold! Still no news on the apartment and when we can actually step through the door-but hopefully VERY soon!! This probably sounds like quite the pessamistic blog-but I'm feeling quite the opposite right now.
Tomorrow will be a good day...sleeping in a bit is wonderful. I have rehearsal and then HAVE to do laundry. I've considered cutting my hair short again-but think I am going to stay with it growing longer for now. When I had it long back in 2003 it was different-I didn't give it enough time. So hopefully I can stick it out...otherwise I may go back to short-which will be fine too.
Tutto il posto!
-Justin

Gyros and cheese fries

Last night after a 4 hour rehearsal (dancing mind you) I took some different trains back home with some of the other cast members. It was great to get to connect with a few people and in general every day I feel that I connect with more and more people in this big bad ass city of new york. It's tough though because I feel like I still have my guard up here...perhaps because I feel in some ways surrounded by so many different types of people and am just learning how to trust and let go a bit more. I also in general feel that I'm starting to learn even more of a refined definition of who I am and what I want out of life. Right now I'm learning to just "roll with the punches," as they say. Anyways...(I digress)....I got off a different stop last night and had a further walk. Luckily Ro called me as she was getting off the train and we chatted and both realized that even though it was 10 p.m....we were both starving and needed to get something to eat--no matter how guilty we felt. So we met at Pita Pan. She was good and just got some cheese fries...I enjoyed what seemed to be the worlds smallest gyro and also some amazing cheese fries. It was heaven just sitting down and watching Grey's Anatomy and eating. The guilt didn't set in this morning but...ehh whatever.
I can't wait to get some new clothes....I think that my butt just keeps going away. :-( I was so sad when I put my jeans on this morning because no matter how good I think the jeans will fit or look from the front...my butt is still sagging in the back. ha Damn genetics!!! My winter coat should be getting to me soon. I can't wait! My gloves, hats, and scarves...I'm not eve sure where they are...somewhere in Ohio. *sigh* Thanksgiving may be a whirlwind because if we're in the new place before then (we SHOULD be) then I am absolutely considering an extremely quick trip back to Ohio to load up all of my things and bring them back so that I have my bed-and so that we actually have furniture. *keep your fingers crossed*
One final rant...last evening as I was taking the train down to Chelsea where my rehearsal was I had a very interesting experience. Standing on the platform waiting for the train you often make eye contact with people...occassionally it will happen to be a very good looking man. At first you have the awkward stare and then look down and then stare back and then the train goes and it was like this little special secret moment that only you'll know about. Who knows he could have been looking at how terrible my hair was or something. In general I think guys here really don't want to waste any time and so they're right to the point. As I'm sitting on the train this older guy sits beside me....he starts talking to me and asking me questions about Chelsea. I tell him I don't go there often but occassionally I will go out there or have dinner at Food Bar or something....he then proceeds to tell me that he's maried but gay and his wife knows...they're totally best friends...he has two kids....and that he would like to get to know me. Ok I'm a nice guy...but good God! haha Do I have a magnet on me that says "please only married, straight, or taken men?" I got the guts to actually look him in the eye and say..."I'm not into married men...." The feelings here is that most men know what they want and they dont want to "waste time." Perhaps I'm wrong on this assumption? I don't know...but in general that kind of seems like how things roll sometimes-not just in dating. To me half of the amazing thing about getting to know someone is the time in getting to know them...those periods of uncertainty with how someone will react to something, learning what someone's favorite food is, favorite song, etc...that takes time. Call me old fashioned? ha! Watching Grey's last night made me think again, as always and of course my morning commute listening to John Mayer...*sigh*
Random thoughts for today. I hope to hit the gym this weekend...I'm feeling ultra flubby the past few days. :-(
---J.

questo-il mio sogno

When I have a really long day like today which in so many ways was a great day...however at times overwhelming for some reasons...I have to think back to the picture below...standing on top of the little town in Italy called Peglio after hiking it for an hour with Bernard and Michael. Looking down on the small peaceful town of Urbania where we lived for a while makes me smile...The perfect day with two of my best guy friends on top of it all in gorgeous Italia. Now I'm gonna lay back and pass out...no more energy left from me.

Morning Glow

I wake up to the alarm at 6 ish
plan on getting up
ehhhh no
put it on vibrate so I dont wake the girls
and also so I don't sleep longer than planned.
I jump in the hot shower which always feels like heaven first thing in the morning.
I rush to get dressed realizing my shower time was longer than planned.
I think I must fall asleep in there
or zone out perhaps.
I get dressed
try to start walking to the train by 7:40
usually it's 7:48.
I walk fast to stay warm.
Put my ipod on...an array of opera
today I choose to listen to John Mayer once again-
I zoom past it about half-way through
need something uplifting.
Lucia sextet is the next option...
then it's some Simon Keenlyside
then some Boheme.
Before I know it I'm at Grand Central.
I get out and push my way through the masses of people.
Luckily I'm only a block away.
Walking past the Gap
then Duane Reade...
I smiled this morning
as I saw a couple
walking towards the same building
they embraced
kissed
said I love you
and then parted ways.
Love really does abound
even on the most bitter of mornings.
It was a nice glow of the day before heading into the News Building for work.
I found out the worldst most amazing coffee machine which is here also does espresso.
I have loaded up on caffeine today.
MUST drink water--have to sing this evening again.
Rehearsal went well.
Still unfamiliar with people.
different personalities make me smile.
Reminds me of why I love what I do.
Some great voices in there.
Hopefully the move will take place soon.
The world continues to move.
As the world turns...
All is well on the homefront.

SURVEY

It has been a slow day in the office...yay for more self indulgent expression:

1. Who was the last person you hung out with, actual one-on-one?
Mandy

2. Do you believe in real love?
Yes

3. How do you feel about your ex and their new love interest?
Wow...is statitory rape no longer illegal?

4. Regret doing anything in the past week?
no

5. When was the last time you fell?
I tripped in the subway yesterday. :-(

7. Are you gay?
Sometimes, sure.

8. What do you think of when you hear the word "slut"?
I laugh

9. Do you have a dirty mind?
not so much these days

11. Have you been pressured to do anything recently?
no

12. Who's the best person you know right now?
my family

13. How do you feel about the person who last texted you?
I look forward to seeing him when he is back in NYC.

15. Do you like your name?
Yes.

16. Is anyone interested in you right now?
yes.

17. Who is the fifth text in your inbox from? What does it say?
From James...saying " :-) "

18. What's your favorite number?
69

19. Would you ever cross-dress?
I have.

21. Do you hate anyone?
no

22. Are you a good speller?
Usually.

25. What's your worst habit?
turning off alarm and resetting it-not getting up right away.

26. Are you listening to any music? What song?
No

27. Would you ever give your number out over the internet?
not really

30. Do you love someone?
Family and friends,

32. How do you feel about one night stands?
over it.

34. Would you rather feel pain or be numb?
Numb.

35. What is your favorite color?
black and hunter green

36. Do you like competition?
Sometimes.

37. Would you ever stay with someone, just because you didn't want to break their heart?
no

38. Have you ever taken anyone/anything for granted?
Yes.

39. Do you hate being alone?
occasionally

40. Has anyone ever broken your heart?
Oh yes

42. Who was the last person to send you a instant message?
Paul

43. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
August

44. Where was the last place you went shopping?
Duane Reade

47. Last time you were hugged?
This afternoon.

48. AIM or MSN?
AIM.

49. Last restaurant you went to?
Chipotle

50. Do you miss anyone right now?
yes but we're chatting so it's all good.

dreamin'

A free download from Starbucks-
I go there way too much.
I download John Mayer
dreamin' with a brokenheart
I've heard it before
cant remember where or when.
First song on the ipod this morning
while walking to the train.
I grew melancholy-
I decided to flip to Ah non giunge instead
Joan Sutherland
hearing her jaw
makes me smile.
I flip back to John Mayer when I get on the 5 train to Grand Central
Amazed at the calm in my head while surrounded by chaos.
A looming feeling over me since yesterday
questions
now answered
not fully
but enough.
I'm sad that you couldn't explain to me yourself
instead other excuses arise
false reasons
late night available?
no.
I know why...
I was once there.
I've moved on a great deal since this
the answer came today
I shouldn't have heard it-
sent a shock through me.
Not for reasons you may like to think-
for more simple
earthy
honest reasons beyond bullshit.
I'm dissapointed
now wanting to delve even more
thank you for reminding me
reminding me why I am here
what I need to do
me
me
me
In all of this craziness.
someday I will look back
empty heart
and smile
for now
counting the days
to clear out
then I can truly let go.
I will walk through Bryant Park this afternoon
peace
calm
what needs to happen.
Rehearsals start tomorrow
the perfect thing
needs to happen.

cold

Today was a visit to southstreet seaport for lunch and just a visit. It was nice...the breeze was crisp and once again as I stared out onto the water while engaged in a phone conversation I remembered why I loved New York. I also have never really been here when it's cold, so this will be an adjustment. Although I figure if I can survive the artic Bowling Green winters I will be fine here.
I have felt blah the past two days, especially today. I think a lot of it is the gloomy weather and time change. I also think it's my overwhelming thinking of how busy things are about to get before Christmas.
I will be working my fab. day job and then almost every day heading to rehearsal until around 10ish. Ok...I keep telling myself that I used to do this ALL the time in college. I CAN DO IT! I used to get up and be at work at 8 and then have rehearsal late into the evening, so I can do it. It has just been a while. On top of that we will be moving into our apartment hopefully in the next two weeks. Granted all I have with me are a couple of suitcases--I will have to find some free day to either travel back to Ohio and travel right back with my things...or tough it out until my parents can bring most of it to me in December. I will just be happy to have my own space and not feel like I'm living off my friend's space. The show will be fine and it will kick my ass into shape in terms of singing because I'll have to do it every day.
Anyways...happy monday to all.
Much love,
Justin

isn't it funny?

it's funny
many months after performing an intense cycle
the words have come back to me
"come back in tears...oh memory...hope...love of finished years..."
"you ate an apple...and I ate a pear..."
"there was so much to love...I could not love it all...some things I overlooked"
"some I could not find........"
I'm finding them
it's funny how that happens.
Today was one of those me days
a day of reflection
a day of calm
a day of perspective.
I realized a lot
funny
how we move on quicker than we plan
when we let go
things happen.
Syncronicity.
The laws of attraction.
I smile at the thought now
of relief.
You are here always
always part of me
regardless
this makes me smile.
Watching the movie last night...
I thought of you as I cried.
"Read this and I will come back to you..."
this is truth.
my loss is changing
realizing it's no longer a loss.
I have the strength
strength to move on
move through
look back
smile.
Trips to the airport late
conversations play back in my head-
wishing I could grasp again your reality.
Now is preparation
years from now I will say
"you taught me so much..."
those words so powerful
"what did I teach you?"
"About concentration...you meant to tell me to be where I was when I was there...not somewhere in the past or future. I wanted you to love me...I thought the world could be perfect--I was wrong..."
"I am sure that I loved you"
"I'm sure you did too..."
Conclusion and completion.
Each day is better.
For now I'm in that dream
I am done with the first song in the set
now halfway through the second
perhaps the third will happen soon
perhaps never.
What I have created has turned on me
no longer will these creations manifest.
Reality is the name of the game.
"what's reality"
"IT just is," I say with a grin.
You laugh...
you toss it down those wooden steps
I open my door
we smile
jump into bed
the middle of the night I awake
to your arms of love surrounding me-
the one time both of us are free
free to do this.
I feel you beside me and I smile
safety.
Waking to espresso and cereal-
soon enough.
The world where a minute without you seemed crazy
this has changed-
I go to my dreams
counting my blessings...
you are at the top.
I will see you there
again tonight--you know when I'm there
tonight I need your shoulder
your arms
come back--
in dreams.

FUNNY

Reality

Photo courtesy of Chris Crook/Zanesville Times Recorder


A picture like this reminds me of how wonderful life is...how human we are...this soldier returning home. The amazing arms of home and love. This is my religion.

Whirlwind

The winds of change continue to blow my way...
opening the doors and windows and letting in some fresh air.
I started a fab. day job this week with an amazing company full of artistic people who seem to just love what they do amongst many other things. This should would out nicely...and I wont leave the day exhausted and ready to die. Today we found out that we got the apartment we applied for! It's being gut renovated so it may be another two or three weeks before we're in it...but it will be perfect for me and Mandy and Amanda...my two roomates. It will just be a dream to get my stuff into there, have my own room, and feel more rooted here. Each day is better and better! A positive attitude seriously makes all the world of difference. I have let go of all that needed to be let go of-which has been a difficult and sometimes painful process. The heart ache we often feel when moving on is necessary-it toughens us up I truly believe. The old saying "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" is very true. Through all of the change that has happened and everything that continues to change and happen I have to remember that a positive attitude and acceptance of change is necessary and welcome it with open arms. I have so enjoyed staying with my girls-it has been refreshing to open back up to them and really get to know them even more.
I just got a part in a production of A Christmas Carol with a fab. company off broadway here. I'm excited and grateful for the opportunity and it will be my first real NYC performing experience.
For now that is all...I can't believe it's November already. So many things have just come and gone and changed in a short period of time. I'm looking forward to things meshing together and then spending a week at home for Christmas to gain some perspective.
Lots of love-
Justin