Last night I had a fantastically long evening of theatre. Both pieces I saw were directed by my multi-talented boyfriend. I'm not going to go into a lengthy review because quite frankly I don't know what to say-in a good way. Three people gave amazing performances of a monologue each. It has been a little while since I've seen anything like this. I had no words for the first performer, second, and third. I just have no idea how to thank someone for pouring out their guts in front of me...for almost standing on stage naked and showing me literally every part of your body...that's how exposed...how honest...how real it felt. How does one say "THANK YOU"? I don't know...and this is why I just had nothing to say. I couldn't criticize anything. How can one judge art? YET we do! This is so irritating...how can one judge someone's honesty? Even if it's not honest...can we judge this? Perhaps this is just a weird personal thing that I believe. I think this is why I had been so artistically burnt out in college and I think it could be reason for my slowly stepping away from pursuing a career in opera-but then again I'm back and forth with that all the time. I often get sick of being under a microscope...singing and having everything analyzed on a daily basis either by yourself or others. I don't like micromanaging anything in my life-especially my interests. I remembered the other day when I was a teenager and I would stand in my room and I would do monologue after monologue after monologue. That felt free...no judgment...nothing!
Now I used to think that people were just being retarted when they said they felt artistically stiff because of school or whatever. Now I understand. My point is that I find it one thing to have a director challenge you or a coach...but it cuts me when I think of someone pouring their heart out and someone saying something terrible about it.
On youtube today I saw a clip of a tenor...this was a comment someone wrote about his performance: "his technique is off, and his voice isnt necessarily an operatic type of voice, like bocelli. people mistake bocelli to be an opera artist, when he isnt. c'mon, look at this guy. he opens his mouth wide enough to stuff a cardboard pizza box in there."
SERIOUSLY??!? Did this asshole need to go off like this? This is what I hate...I hate to generalize BUT many many people/singers say things like this. In EVERY genre of theatre people criticize like this. And I just want to say "shut your face and be silent-keep these to yourself." And when he says "people mistake Bocelli to be an opera artist, when he isn't" I just wanna puke. YES we know he's not a "real opera singer"--meaning what?!?!? What does that mean? I mean he sounds trained...he sounds ok to me...so why would this be a big deal? The general public hears a trained voice and they think "wow this is an opera singer!" SO fucking what!! At least the general public are hearing things...at least they can recognize someone with a legit voice in comparison to someone with a non-legit voice. But who's still to get so upset about this? Give the guy a break. And then judging his technique...saying "it's off" now that's another thing. I decided a long time ago that I was done saying what I felt about someone's technique. It's just wrong. Technique is personal to each person...who am I to judge someone's technique? If someone asks me an opinion on what they should do about something then I will gladly share-otherwise I don't want to think about someone's technique when they're singing. Of course I will think "wow that's great technique or wow he or she is great," but I don't want to be sitting there thinking too much. My point is that I don't think we can possibly accurately judge ANYONES art. "ART ISN'T EASY," is such a true statement. Perhaps I'm too empathetic, but I believe the most insecure of artists comes out during unfair judgments of performances. When I'm in a production or performing I have learned to only listen to three people for guidance to make sure I'm doing ok:1) The director 2) The musical director/coach 3) My teacher. Anything else that anyone says MUST be rolled off. I had a painful experience with this that taught me a lot...let me explain. I was performing a duo recital with one of my closest friends who is a soprano. We were raising funds for traveling to Europe. We worked hard to form a nice program of variety. We performed in a number of venues across the midwest. Our last venue was in a familiar area to both of us. We had a lot of friends, and people we knew at this performance. We were thrilled with how the concert went. We are greeting people who were just thrilled with out work. I was up on cloud nine when someone I deeply respected, adored, and felt was very responsible for my performing said some very painful and hurtful things to my face about my performance. There was not a kind word that came out of his mouth. He felt I was performing just fine but that I could be doing more vocally...there should be "more resonance" or rather more of a "mature sound." (MORE on this below) I was crushed. I could barely stand there looking at him anymore-I wanted to run away or jump on him and beat his face into the ground. My feelings were crushed, everything I thought I just did that was so full of my art and expression was just trampled on. More than that I was looking at the face of someone I really respected...someone not a lot of people got along with-but with whom I clicked with. Someone who gave me wonderful opportunities. I had to walk out immediately and hop in the car with a friend of mine and drive around the block before I could face anyone else. The night ended and I had many drinks and a lot of terrible thoughts. It took me many many months to forgive this man-and though I've moved on and let it go it still reminds me of how hurt I was when I think of what he said. I found out later that he felt terrible about what he said to me, however nothing could undo what he said. Nothing ever will. He mentioned that he felt I should sound differently...that I wasn't getting the technique I should have been getting...that there needed to be more resonance. Well...this I don't understand. I've heard many many different things about my voice over the years. My jury sheets used to always be the widest array of comments, reminding me that everyone hears things differently. One teacher up until my last semester in grad. school always asked for "more resonance-ring in the voice." While another would profess that I had great resonance and that things were working beautifully. When I went to Europe and sang I heard very different things. I heard that my voice was lush, warm, beautiful, exciting. Also I heard that I was being taught to press things too much-that I needed to let go-that I had more inside of me that was natural than I thought. Cool! Right? Yeah. Unfortunately this created some craziness in the technique world upon returning and yet again some very hurtful words passed my way. There are many things that will not be said until my book is published someday. But I must say I have recently come to the conclusion that I'm no longer going to force anything to happen. I talked to a good friend of mine who I adore who has had a kind of "crossover" type of career...he started in opera-has a great voice-but has moved onto other things. We both have very similiar stories about what people have said to us in the past...about how one would hear artistry while another would say "YOU'RE COMING OFF THE VOICE." We both have been frustrated by this...also the fact that there's such a HUGE climbing ladder one has to do to beat the American system. It seems that one goes to university or conservatory...then grad school...and then works their ass off to audition for YAP programs-many that pay VERY little...they stay in these systems for years until maybe they win a competition or two...and then who knows. I can't just sit around and wait-my philosophy. I'm done doing that. It also seems that unless one goes to Julliard, AVA, Manhattan, Curtis, or IU a career is tougher. Many will argue with me on this but regardless it's true. I went through almost every major YAP program web site reading the bios of ALL of their young artists...there were only a hand full that were from unknown smaller Universities. A friend of mine who once made it into a wonderful YAP--who also attended one of these major schools actually told me at the time of his audition...that he was being seen first because his teacher knew the people auditioning him and they got him in--and that he would probably get the job. He laughed about this. I wanted to beat the shit out of him in some ways. Alas-he got it. Hmmm. Regardless my point is that I can't play the game of over achiever any more. I can't pretend to really give a shit about the game. I may or may not continue to pursue opera...who knows. I'm trained...I will always have those tools to do what I want. I think deep down I'm more suited for acting and musical theatre. I can no longer make decisions based on fear. Who knows though...I love the voice so much that it may take me not taking it so seriously to get myself going. I love the art form, I love the voice, I love performing....this is what has to get me through. But theatre/acting/musical theatre/etc are JUST as hard!! YES I know it's not a walk in the park with anything. But when one learns what his or her true interests are...what it is they can do...what they will never be able to do...what they are passionate about...well...then one must follow the heart. No more judging. I'm done with it. I won't tolerate it...and I won't do it.
--Justin
Now I used to think that people were just being retarted when they said they felt artistically stiff because of school or whatever. Now I understand. My point is that I find it one thing to have a director challenge you or a coach...but it cuts me when I think of someone pouring their heart out and someone saying something terrible about it.
On youtube today I saw a clip of a tenor...this was a comment someone wrote about his performance: "his technique is off, and his voice isnt necessarily an operatic type of voice, like bocelli. people mistake bocelli to be an opera artist, when he isnt. c'mon, look at this guy. he opens his mouth wide enough to stuff a cardboard pizza box in there."
SERIOUSLY??!? Did this asshole need to go off like this? This is what I hate...I hate to generalize BUT many many people/singers say things like this. In EVERY genre of theatre people criticize like this. And I just want to say "shut your face and be silent-keep these to yourself." And when he says "people mistake Bocelli to be an opera artist, when he isn't" I just wanna puke. YES we know he's not a "real opera singer"--meaning what?!?!? What does that mean? I mean he sounds trained...he sounds ok to me...so why would this be a big deal? The general public hears a trained voice and they think "wow this is an opera singer!" SO fucking what!! At least the general public are hearing things...at least they can recognize someone with a legit voice in comparison to someone with a non-legit voice. But who's still to get so upset about this? Give the guy a break. And then judging his technique...saying "it's off" now that's another thing. I decided a long time ago that I was done saying what I felt about someone's technique. It's just wrong. Technique is personal to each person...who am I to judge someone's technique? If someone asks me an opinion on what they should do about something then I will gladly share-otherwise I don't want to think about someone's technique when they're singing. Of course I will think "wow that's great technique or wow he or she is great," but I don't want to be sitting there thinking too much. My point is that I don't think we can possibly accurately judge ANYONES art. "ART ISN'T EASY," is such a true statement. Perhaps I'm too empathetic, but I believe the most insecure of artists comes out during unfair judgments of performances. When I'm in a production or performing I have learned to only listen to three people for guidance to make sure I'm doing ok:1) The director 2) The musical director/coach 3) My teacher. Anything else that anyone says MUST be rolled off. I had a painful experience with this that taught me a lot...let me explain. I was performing a duo recital with one of my closest friends who is a soprano. We were raising funds for traveling to Europe. We worked hard to form a nice program of variety. We performed in a number of venues across the midwest. Our last venue was in a familiar area to both of us. We had a lot of friends, and people we knew at this performance. We were thrilled with how the concert went. We are greeting people who were just thrilled with out work. I was up on cloud nine when someone I deeply respected, adored, and felt was very responsible for my performing said some very painful and hurtful things to my face about my performance. There was not a kind word that came out of his mouth. He felt I was performing just fine but that I could be doing more vocally...there should be "more resonance" or rather more of a "mature sound." (MORE on this below) I was crushed. I could barely stand there looking at him anymore-I wanted to run away or jump on him and beat his face into the ground. My feelings were crushed, everything I thought I just did that was so full of my art and expression was just trampled on. More than that I was looking at the face of someone I really respected...someone not a lot of people got along with-but with whom I clicked with. Someone who gave me wonderful opportunities. I had to walk out immediately and hop in the car with a friend of mine and drive around the block before I could face anyone else. The night ended and I had many drinks and a lot of terrible thoughts. It took me many many months to forgive this man-and though I've moved on and let it go it still reminds me of how hurt I was when I think of what he said. I found out later that he felt terrible about what he said to me, however nothing could undo what he said. Nothing ever will. He mentioned that he felt I should sound differently...that I wasn't getting the technique I should have been getting...that there needed to be more resonance. Well...this I don't understand. I've heard many many different things about my voice over the years. My jury sheets used to always be the widest array of comments, reminding me that everyone hears things differently. One teacher up until my last semester in grad. school always asked for "more resonance-ring in the voice." While another would profess that I had great resonance and that things were working beautifully. When I went to Europe and sang I heard very different things. I heard that my voice was lush, warm, beautiful, exciting. Also I heard that I was being taught to press things too much-that I needed to let go-that I had more inside of me that was natural than I thought. Cool! Right? Yeah. Unfortunately this created some craziness in the technique world upon returning and yet again some very hurtful words passed my way. There are many things that will not be said until my book is published someday. But I must say I have recently come to the conclusion that I'm no longer going to force anything to happen. I talked to a good friend of mine who I adore who has had a kind of "crossover" type of career...he started in opera-has a great voice-but has moved onto other things. We both have very similiar stories about what people have said to us in the past...about how one would hear artistry while another would say "YOU'RE COMING OFF THE VOICE." We both have been frustrated by this...also the fact that there's such a HUGE climbing ladder one has to do to beat the American system. It seems that one goes to university or conservatory...then grad school...and then works their ass off to audition for YAP programs-many that pay VERY little...they stay in these systems for years until maybe they win a competition or two...and then who knows. I can't just sit around and wait-my philosophy. I'm done doing that. It also seems that unless one goes to Julliard, AVA, Manhattan, Curtis, or IU a career is tougher. Many will argue with me on this but regardless it's true. I went through almost every major YAP program web site reading the bios of ALL of their young artists...there were only a hand full that were from unknown smaller Universities. A friend of mine who once made it into a wonderful YAP--who also attended one of these major schools actually told me at the time of his audition...that he was being seen first because his teacher knew the people auditioning him and they got him in--and that he would probably get the job. He laughed about this. I wanted to beat the shit out of him in some ways. Alas-he got it. Hmmm. Regardless my point is that I can't play the game of over achiever any more. I can't pretend to really give a shit about the game. I may or may not continue to pursue opera...who knows. I'm trained...I will always have those tools to do what I want. I think deep down I'm more suited for acting and musical theatre. I can no longer make decisions based on fear. Who knows though...I love the voice so much that it may take me not taking it so seriously to get myself going. I love the art form, I love the voice, I love performing....this is what has to get me through. But theatre/acting/musical theatre/etc are JUST as hard!! YES I know it's not a walk in the park with anything. But when one learns what his or her true interests are...what it is they can do...what they will never be able to do...what they are passionate about...well...then one must follow the heart. No more judging. I'm done with it. I won't tolerate it...and I won't do it.
--Justin
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