Fresh Start

This has been a long week-to say the least.
Rarely do I go out during the week.
Least of all Mondays.
I set my week up poorly by living it up Monday night a bit.
Discipline Justin, I constantly tell myself this.
A great time.
However it set up my week in the worst way.
I've been tired, cranky, and have had no motivation.
Tomorrow starts a new day after a full nights sleep.
I continue to work on the dream book-
do some writing.
Motivation and connection---always.
Kathleen Turner book signing tomorrow-I can't wait.
Buona notte.
-Justin

Stoned on u

This weekend
in bed
A LOT
not alone-which is better.
Watched all of Lord of the Rings-beautiful.
Seeing his face all day was magical
reassuring.
For now I can only smile and think of him
the one I love.
Tonight I party with friends-
the Oscars.
I was stunned today to hear late news...
she taught me piano for a couple of years
died suddenly in October.
Still can't quite believe it.
She had a spunky and fun loving personality
took an interest in my career
I will always think of her when I hear Chopin---
what I played so often with her.
That Southern accent assuring me that I was better than I thought.
The world is full of surprising news these days.
Words have been spoken about me
by a former keeper of my heart-
I find this news recently
not a surprise.
Say what you will.
It's true-
yes Steve is better looking than you
and yes it's true.
Bunnies go bye bye.
--justin

An honest one

I've made a lot of changes in my life lately.

Some have been huge changes

others have just been minor adjustments. 

The switch has gotten flipped again...I have decided to pursue my talents in theatre rather than opera.  I have been considering this for some time, pondering and searching through my heart and soul for the answers.  My final confirmation came last night after singing once again and hearing the same thing over and over.  My voice is a very lyrical voice.  I wouldn't say small...but the color is not a biting, brooding, dark color that just screams at you from the stage.  For the longest time I wanted it to be so much more.  I wanted my voice to be something that it isn't.  I felt opera was the supreme form of art--and I still think it's the best combination of everything theatre has to offer.  I never felt that I fit.  My constant feeling of pushing and thinking just stood in the way.  I cannot be what I'm not anymore-I'm not suited for something that I have little passion for doing.  I don't have the constitution to sit around and wait for years for something to happen.  15 more years and the voice will be mature completely...I will be 40.  My heart pulls me elsewhere...the voices in the back of my mind that I have pictured looking down on this are now gone. 

  When I was 16 I wanted nothing more than to be an actor on broadway...I wanted to sing Sondheim...I wanted to learn how to dance...and I wanted so much more.  When I was 5 I sat in the car with my dad and proclaimed that I was going to be an actor. He told me it was really difficult to do that--and I defied him...screaming and shouting that I could and WOULD some day do it.  Since I've stepped away from the academic world I feel these heart tugs coming back stronger and stronger each day.  Of course now I feel I can go full steam for a lot of reasons.  I sang All the Wasted Time last night and it was very clear that this is where I belong.  What I belong doing and pursuing.  There are good things in sight.  

I'm confident that my education has shaped all of this-has allowed me to now be the 16 year old dreamer but with more confidence, more structure.  Vocally I feel that I could do anything.  So with that said...the passion is beginning to flow again.  Here I go...

:-)

It Dreams Itself Back To Me....

Today I dreamed of the tree lined streets of Massachusetts as I rode the crowded no. 4 train. *sigh*
I'm off to dreamland early...
Tomorrow I sing:
Deh Vieni from D. Giovanni
Dandini's aria
The Trumpet Shall Sound
Ideale
Strings in the Earth and Air
All the Wasted Time.
I flip through the book tonight
a breath of fresh air
it comes back
slowly
tomorrow I travel to the upper east side to sing.
All that I've learned and discovered comes...
it's time to play.
:)

I'm tired

Spring needs to come. All that long sleeping in this weekend spoiled me.  I'm tired. I hate getting up early every day.  :)

PERFECTION

This weekend was perfection because I spent it with my two best friends in the entire world in Massachusetts and I introduced that part of my life to someone I'm deeply in love with.  I was thrilled that everyone just seemed to share an instant connection...the impromtu dinner party was amazing on Sunday...surrounded by lots of love.  

Because of time I can't say much more...except I feel so blessed and so loved to be surrounded by some of the most amazing people.  

-Justin

KT

Larry King just gave one of the worst interviews I've ever seen him give to my fav...Kathleen Turner. He obviously had NO idea what she wrote about in her book...he asked the most random questions...if it weren't for her wonderful personality the interview just would have been a bomb. My favorite part was at the end when she looked in the camera (because OH she knows how to do that still) and said "Hunny I just really need to have sex...I miss it." HAHA! LOVE her.
I'm off to Massachusettes in the morning with Greg to spend the weekend with my two best friends-since it's a long weekend.
A full review of Sunday in the Park With George will be coming.
Happy long weekend-
Justin

CUNT

Ok so I just read about Jane Fonda's slip up on the today show when she said "Cunt."  The Today Show apologized saying "this is not a word you say on t.v."  For fucks sake I'm sick sick fucking sick of everything having to be so pc.  I adore the fact that Jane Fonda said this on television.  If it offends you then flip the fucking channel or go watch Bill Reilly and let him shove his big cock up your ass. Let's pretend words like this don't exist.

Judging performances?

Last night I had a fantastically long evening of theatre. Both pieces I saw were directed by my multi-talented boyfriend. I'm not going to go into a lengthy review because quite frankly I don't know what to say-in a good way. Three people gave amazing performances of a monologue each. It has been a little while since I've seen anything like this. I had no words for the first performer, second, and third. I just have no idea how to thank someone for pouring out their guts in front of me...for almost standing on stage naked and showing me literally every part of your body...that's how exposed...how honest...how real it felt. How does one say "THANK YOU"? I don't know...and this is why I just had nothing to say. I couldn't criticize anything. How can one judge art? YET we do! This is so irritating...how can one judge someone's honesty? Even if it's not honest...can we judge this? Perhaps this is just a weird personal thing that I believe. I think this is why I had been so artistically burnt out in college and I think it could be reason for my slowly stepping away from pursuing a career in opera-but then again I'm back and forth with that all the time. I often get sick of being under a microscope...singing and having everything analyzed on a daily basis either by yourself or others. I don't like micromanaging anything in my life-especially my interests. I remembered the other day when I was a teenager and I would stand in my room and I would do monologue after monologue after monologue. That felt free...no judgment...nothing!
Now I used to think that people were just being retarted when they said they felt artistically stiff because of school or whatever. Now I understand. My point is that I find it one thing to have a director challenge you or a coach...but it cuts me when I think of someone pouring their heart out and someone saying something terrible about it.

On youtube today I saw a clip of a tenor...this was a comment someone wrote about his performance: "his technique is off, and his voice isnt necessarily an operatic type of voice, like bocelli. people mistake bocelli to be an opera artist, when he isnt. c'mon, look at this guy. he opens his mouth wide enough to stuff a cardboard pizza box in there."

SERIOUSLY??!? Did this asshole need to go off like this? This is what I hate...I hate to generalize BUT many many people/singers say things like this. In EVERY genre of theatre people criticize like this. And I just want to say "shut your face and be silent-keep these to yourself." And when he says "people mistake Bocelli to be an opera artist, when he isn't" I just wanna puke. YES we know he's not a "real opera singer"--meaning what?!?!? What does that mean? I mean he sounds trained...he sounds ok to me...so why would this be a big deal? The general public hears a trained voice and they think "wow this is an opera singer!" SO fucking what!! At least the general public are hearing things...at least they can recognize someone with a legit voice in comparison to someone with a non-legit voice. But who's still to get so upset about this? Give the guy a break. And then judging his technique...saying "it's off" now that's another thing. I decided a long time ago that I was done saying what I felt about someone's technique. It's just wrong. Technique is personal to each person...who am I to judge someone's technique? If someone asks me an opinion on what they should do about something then I will gladly share-otherwise I don't want to think about someone's technique when they're singing. Of course I will think "wow that's great technique or wow he or she is great," but I don't want to be sitting there thinking too much. My point is that I don't think we can possibly accurately judge ANYONES art. "ART ISN'T EASY," is such a true statement. Perhaps I'm too empathetic, but I believe the most insecure of artists comes out during unfair judgments of performances. When I'm in a production or performing I have learned to only listen to three people for guidance to make sure I'm doing ok:1) The director 2) The musical director/coach 3) My teacher. Anything else that anyone says MUST be rolled off. I had a painful experience with this that taught me a lot...let me explain. I was performing a duo recital with one of my closest friends who is a soprano. We were raising funds for traveling to Europe. We worked hard to form a nice program of variety. We performed in a number of venues across the midwest. Our last venue was in a familiar area to both of us. We had a lot of friends, and people we knew at this performance. We were thrilled with how the concert went. We are greeting people who were just thrilled with out work. I was up on cloud nine when someone I deeply respected, adored, and felt was very responsible for my performing said some very painful and hurtful things to my face about my performance. There was not a kind word that came out of his mouth. He felt I was performing just fine but that I could be doing more vocally...there should be "more resonance" or rather more of a "mature sound." (MORE on this below) I was crushed. I could barely stand there looking at him anymore-I wanted to run away or jump on him and beat his face into the ground. My feelings were crushed, everything I thought I just did that was so full of my art and expression was just trampled on. More than that I was looking at the face of someone I really respected...someone not a lot of people got along with-but with whom I clicked with. Someone who gave me wonderful opportunities. I had to walk out immediately and hop in the car with a friend of mine and drive around the block before I could face anyone else. The night ended and I had many drinks and a lot of terrible thoughts. It took me many many months to forgive this man-and though I've moved on and let it go it still reminds me of how hurt I was when I think of what he said. I found out later that he felt terrible about what he said to me, however nothing could undo what he said. Nothing ever will. He mentioned that he felt I should sound differently...that I wasn't getting the technique I should have been getting...that there needed to be more resonance. Well...this I don't understand. I've heard many many different things about my voice over the years. My jury sheets used to always be the widest array of comments, reminding me that everyone hears things differently. One teacher up until my last semester in grad. school always asked for "more resonance-ring in the voice." While another would profess that I had great resonance and that things were working beautifully. When I went to Europe and sang I heard very different things. I heard that my voice was lush, warm, beautiful, exciting. Also I heard that I was being taught to press things too much-that I needed to let go-that I had more inside of me that was natural than I thought. Cool! Right? Yeah. Unfortunately this created some craziness in the technique world upon returning and yet again some very hurtful words passed my way. There are many things that will not be said until my book is published someday. But I must say I have recently come to the conclusion that I'm no longer going to force anything to happen. I talked to a good friend of mine who I adore who has had a kind of "crossover" type of career...he started in opera-has a great voice-but has moved onto other things. We both have very similiar stories about what people have said to us in the past...about how one would hear artistry while another would say "YOU'RE COMING OFF THE VOICE." We both have been frustrated by this...also the fact that there's such a HUGE climbing ladder one has to do to beat the American system. It seems that one goes to university or conservatory...then grad school...and then works their ass off to audition for YAP programs-many that pay VERY little...they stay in these systems for years until maybe they win a competition or two...and then who knows. I can't just sit around and wait-my philosophy. I'm done doing that. It also seems that unless one goes to Julliard, AVA, Manhattan, Curtis, or IU a career is tougher. Many will argue with me on this but regardless it's true. I went through almost every major YAP program web site reading the bios of ALL of their young artists...there were only a hand full that were from unknown smaller Universities. A friend of mine who once made it into a wonderful YAP--who also attended one of these major schools actually told me at the time of his audition...that he was being seen first because his teacher knew the people auditioning him and they got him in--and that he would probably get the job. He laughed about this. I wanted to beat the shit out of him in some ways. Alas-he got it. Hmmm. Regardless my point is that I can't play the game of over achiever any more. I can't pretend to really give a shit about the game. I may or may not continue to pursue opera...who knows. I'm trained...I will always have those tools to do what I want. I think deep down I'm more suited for acting and musical theatre. I can no longer make decisions based on fear. Who knows though...I love the voice so much that it may take me not taking it so seriously to get myself going. I love the art form, I love the voice, I love performing....this is what has to get me through. But theatre/acting/musical theatre/etc are JUST as hard!! YES I know it's not a walk in the park with anything. But when one learns what his or her true interests are...what it is they can do...what they will never be able to do...what they are passionate about...well...then one must follow the heart. No more judging. I'm done with it. I won't tolerate it...and I won't do it.



--Justin

I can't wait

I'm seeing this tonight! :) I wish it was with Bernadette and the original cast...but oh it's the genius of Sondheim...all while sitting next to the best Valentine ever.

Hello George!

Tomorrow my boyfriend is taking me to see Sunday in the Park With George as my Valentines Day and Birthday gift. I cannot wait! Now I have to match with an equally amazing gift...which oh let me tell you I have something up my sleeves...
:)
Expect a full review on Friday.

Smiling Again

THIS made me laugh and smile!

This makes me smile in the morning

I'm obsessed right now. But this made my morning.

Change is a brewin'

Change is a brewin'.....just so you know! Good things are on the horizon.

The BEST of the BEST

I was stunned when I heard the news that Kathleen Turner was writing an autobiography! I couldn't believe it. If I had a vagina it most certainly would have immediately become moist with excitement. Instead I found out the book was to be released only within the next week. I literally cannot wait because as most people know I am a HUGE fan of Kathleen Turner. In fact I will say honestly that I believe her to be one of the best actresses! Unfortunately she's a bit underrated in my opinion but the Dame knows what she's talking about. As a kid I had a huge hard on for her in the films such as Romancing the Stone, The War of the Roses, The Jewel of the Nile, etc. When I was 17 the thrill of my life was seeing her in a one woman show called Tallullah! She portrayed the famous and for the time very risky actress Tallulah Bankhead. An all one woman two hour monologue. It was one of the best nights of theatre ever. After the show meeting her was even better just revealing how kind she was, how beautiful, and how tall. Again I saw her in 2006 on Broadway in Who's Afraid of V. Woolf? This was by far the BEST theatre I've seen in my entire life. Now...
I go on my lunch up to the nearest Barnes and Noble which is on like 54th and Lexington in the CitiBank building. I go in and race to find the book. THRILLED to fucking death that they have it I immediately buy it. It was rather pricey in my opinion...but I finished the damn thing within three days. It was one of the best reads! The way she explains her life in a very honest, open, and direct way. She doesn't start at the beginning (which I love)...she weaves her life in and out of the book. It feels as if you're actually having a conversation with her-you can hear her saying everything. I especially like the lines such as "oh the critics were harsh...I could name some but I won't. Well maybe I will. Oh fuck yes I will..." and then she goes to name a specific critic. Her honestly is thrilling and after I finished the book I honestly felt a stronger appreciation towards her than before. She is for real-which I love...SO with that said...if you happen to read this and want a damn good book to read...pick up Kathleen. :)
Everyone could use a little time with KT.
XOXO
Justin

Embracing my culture

I read the news, ok? I like to be in know. I sit right beside a huge plasma that plays nothing but CNN all day. I feel like I know now what's going on in the world more than I ever have. I find it empowering, and understand why people read the paper cover to cover. It's nice to know what's going on. Occasionally I will read something that just hits me in a strange way. I'm hearing that the glorious and wonderful Whitehouse is going to be airing commercials about helping people who are about to foreclose on their homes. Lovely, right? Of course it is if you're about to foreclose on your home. But what does this do? What does this teach? As a culture we are notoriously bad with money-we get ourselves into the largest amounts of debt that we cannot pay...we struggle...we spend way beyond our means...and we waste so much. Luckily...I would like to think in some ways this is changing perhaps. BUT what else could be done?? I hear the buzz about these potential rebate checks people will be getting and how there is concern that people will apply them to debt instead of spending...DUH!!!!!! Every so often I hear the government is dropping the interest rates for homeowners or some shit like that...and I'm stunned to hear that it's only by like a half a percentage point or something. When I hear interest rate cut I'm thinking at least an entire digit, right? Yeah...sure. Well the problem I have is the internal conflict siding with anyone on this--except continuing to be angry with "the system." Should we be angry with the banks or lenders who lend to high risk people...and actually offer them INTEREST ONLY home loans? WHO would do such a thing? OR should the people who are paying the interest only loans or who have gotten in over their heads the ones to blame? I don't know but it's depressing either way. Where is the education about this? Why are people still spending beyond their means? Now I desperately would LOVE to have a house...or actually OWN a nice apartment here in the city. It would be insane for me to consider doing something like that right now. Yet I can see how it would be appealing if I wanted it to say..."hey I can get this...and it will take me 30 years to pay it off...but ya know I'll pay it off eventually...at least I'll have a nice home." Of course I would be paying probably thousands each month on interest only...LOSING so much. So is the bank to blame or am I because of my poor spending habits/lack of financial education to blame? This is one I'll be thinking of for a while...now on the topic of money...CREDIT CARDS should just be beaten by the government. These people need to be bitch slapped and hung to dry for days in my opinion. Allow me to candidly explain...
I will admit until recently I haven't been good with money...I've overspent and have lived...well...like the typical American. At one point my credit was so high I was approved for every card I applied for-having at least 14 different store and credit cards. WAY too many for a 20 something. Of course I only used about 7 of them. I had identity theft occur to me 3 times. The first was my first year in grad. school. This person opened 3 cards in my name...this had been going on for quite a while and they stopped making payments. Of course no one REALLY knows what one should do when this happens. I call and report the fraud...they take everything off and prove it's not me...however...this bullshit is STILL on my credit report...THREE years later. Allright so...the identity theft happens two more times. Let me tell you...the SAME person. Allright...so this is all still being sorted and fixed...lawyers have been involved, etc, etc. Of course my credit rating is shot right now and it's all being fixed. Now my interest rates on my cards were around 4-9%...when the fraud hit my credit report and looked like I was a terrible consumer my rates went up as fucking high as 35%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you FUCKING serious?!?! BUT what amazes me is how FAST the credit bureaus post NEGATIVE things and how MOTHER-FUCKING LONG it takes to put something POSITIVE and reverse things on your credit report. My car loan has been paid off now for about 7 months...have they reported that? NO! ALL FUCKING THREE!! :-)
In the end the message is...
if you don't have the money to buy something outright...then don't buy it. USE cash for everything..and FUCK credit cards.

A short one

I'm sorry my orgasm scared your neighbors....

Forever hating the 6 train...and loving Delta Burke

The other evening I decided I needed an evening to just regroup, catch up on sleep, and just pull myself together. I headed out with Doug so we could take the train back to Astoria together. My usual thing is to just hop on the 7 right beside CVS and barely in the hectic Grand Central...then transfer at Queensboro Plaza, stand there and enjoy the view of Manhattan until the N or W comes and then walk about 10 blocks home. Well I decided with Doug to try and take the 6 and then transfer at 59th & Lex. to the R which would take me only 2 blocks from my apartment. This would be perfect because I was tired, hot, cranky, and just wanted to rip my clothes off and lay down. We wait forever for the 6 and to no avail...it felt like it was about 100 degrees in the train station...while we were sweating our balls off more and more people came and waited in line. Alas...a train comes...the doors open and the usual struggle of people wanting to not lose their standing space on the train being pushed by the people desperate to get off ensued.....I often find this part amusing-however I was not amused and nor was I went the experience has continued throughout the rest of this week. The funniest thing is seeing 50 people attempt to push their way onto the most crowded train, and while they literally hurl themselves onto the car I continue to see the minutes pass away on my watch. I stand there amazed that someone actually thinks because they are standing holding the doors open barely on the train that they will actually get in. What's worse is when people get into verbal fights about this....ok no big deal, right? Well...usually not since there are usually plenty of 4, 5, or 6 express trains running. Something odd has been happening lately-you wait.....continue to wait...and wait some more....and there's no train. So this morning I left Greg's apartment extremely early since the commute from Brooklyn is longer than mine....my goal was to get to E. 42nd in enough time to not have to rush, to get into the office and have time to fix my espresso, coffee, bagel, and to just breathe a bit before opening the office doors. I left Brooklyn and stepped onto the Q right at 7:31. I opened Kathleen Turner's autobiography (which I just can't seem to put down right now) and was engulfed in those pages until my stop at Union Square-where I transfer to the 6. The time flew by with me only looking up once right before the Canal St. stop...just to see the gorgeous view of The Statue of Liberty and Manhattan that is oh so famous. This is the one point in the day sometimes when I can be a tourist again-and another point that reminds me that I'm in this amazing and crazy city that I've always loved. I get off my stop and have to push through the usual crowds but I walk and look at the time thinking that I can relax a bit because it has just turned 8:01. I of course miss the first train as I'm running down the stairs...I stand in line and of course 5 minutes goes by before another train comes...it comes and the pushing starts...a man actually gets pushed out of the car by EVERYONE in it because he was just rude. I stand there laughing my ass off...another 5 minutes goes by...no train...and determined to get on the next one I decide that when it comes I will push my ass onto that train. Finally the train arrives...I push my way in...scrunched in between two high school students talking so loud I can hear them over my ipod AND the train....then I have mr. smelly arm pits who appeared to have just come from the gym standing in front of me with his arms literally in my face. As I squirmed out of the train John Denver's COUNTRY ROADS appropriately came onto my iPod. I continued to walk through the crowds....dreaming about driving a car to get somewhere....seeing grass, trees, hills, mountains, and listening to the radio. Thinking about how in my car it would be ME and ONLY ME and my music....ahhhh! And then I got out of the station and onto Lexington Ave. and breathed....I remembered car insurance, the price of gas, car problems, and all kinds of other things...and I gave a big smile to mass transportation-regardless of how fucked up it might be. :)


On another note....


I was surprised to read that Delta Burke checked herself into the psych. ward of a hospital for numerous reasons. Even more stunned was I to read how the press seemed to make this such a negative thing that she checked herself in. We all have problems...I wish people would just back the fuck off sometimes and let people work through things. Who knows...I'm not in Hollywood yet....so perhaps this is something else....but regardless I hope she gets better.
Also scary is the whole Britney thing. I blogged a while back about how much I hate her...how much I hate the situation. In all honesty right now I still really don't care-but this shit is quite fucked up with her. I'm waiting for the morning when I pass the newstands and I see the front page of the papers say "Spears Dead At 26!" So sad...just goes to show you that no amount of money, fame, or power can really cure the common aching of the human soul.

Happy Friday!
buon weekend-
Justin

Mission Statement

"The only constant is change" is my new stolen motto. Change is constant, change is good, and I will relish in the moments of change because life is always moving. Being an honest, sharing, open, kind, and genuinely grounded person is at the forefront of my mind. I'm an artist-this will never change. Material that means something to me is what I choose to do. Having an open mind about all genres of art is a daily affirmation. Living and loving my art and those around me is essential. Letting go of the past, past voices, past fears, past control, past fears, past loves, and everything else that is in the way of constant motion is something to be done daily. Mediocrity has no place in my life anymore whether from friends, colleagues, or myself-it's just unacceptable-period. Connection is an essential word in my daily diet. Running from connecting with people or following through with connections is not a trait to be tolerated. This is my constant change.
-Justin

In the end...

People come and people go...
I often ask myself the meaning to so many questions.
What do I want in life?
Why am I here? Why is this happening?
Why is this NOT happening?
I have long days
sad days...
happy days...
days of peace
days of anger and rage
days of silence...
long walks...
long train rides...
frustrating morning commutes
but lately this has all had some kind of light to it
even the worst stuff
my mind has become overwhelmingly at ease
I have connected with someone
someone with whom the future seems to be possible...
when I was 24 I remembered driving in Ohio in the country
feeling lonely and depressed
"WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?," I cried out.
The images in my head...well...those images of what he would look like
how he would talk
what he would be like
immediately came to me.
yes I'm in love
crazy? in some ways yes.
For now all I can do is smile...

Blessed

Yesterday was a great day. Definitely a birthday to remember! I'm overwhelmed right now at all the wonderful people in my life that I have to be thankful for. I have made so many amazing and wonderful new connections that feel like old friends from way back. I am just so overwhelmed right now by all the love! :) More later...

Faithfully