Rainy Days & Fridays always get me down...

I love the Carpenters. I love their lyics, sound, and artistry. Days like today I could just sit in a room and listen to them over and over again.
Today for some reason I'm harboring seriously negative thoughts and feelings. I hate doing this, and I know I am the only one who can change it. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. and was wide awake. There is no explanation as to why, it just was. It took me an hour to go back to sleep. Perhaps I have more on my mind than I thought I did or ever realized. So many wonderful things are happening and yet I feel stuck in a lot of ways. The Tolle "ego" is really getting in my way. I'm going to start reading the Power of Now again. I know these things can't be my salvation, but some enlightenment would be fantastic right now. I'm amazed at how life comes and goes and how we can have everything yet still feel like we have nothing. Remembering what we do have is the key I suppose. I couldn't help today but think of my long walks in Urbania with Bernard. I am blessed with so many wonderful friends in my life, but his friendship I desperately miss and I look forward to reconnecting with him again soon. Perhaps fear is creeping back into my life more. I have a lot of singing coming up and I feel so unprepared. I haven't had a lesson in months. I don't feel like I need one every week-but I need a giant tune up. A lot of that is my fault for not consistently practicing. I still haven't given up smoking which infuriates me even more. I can't stop thinking about how strong this addiction has a hold on me. No one, unless they are a smoker, understands this. I wish I could just let it go...but thinking of impending situations and not being able to smoke makes me feel lost. I'm imagining these situations at their worst--at the times when I enjoy smoking the most. It's really quite ridiculous. I come up with plan after plan and fail to follow through because of fear. I'm waking up to myself hacking up junk in the middle of then night. Something I've never done before. What's worse is I worry with my family history of heart disease that I'm just slowly killing myself...and then my voice...I can't even imagine how much stronger things would be without smoking. I have to just stop and yet I don't. Like every addiction there's a fear...there's an extreme empty feeling you feel when even pondering your life without that specific drug. Reworking your entire life seems like such a hard thing. It seems like a task unachievable! I read the best book on stopping smoking...it really inspired me...and then I stopped half way through and then picked it up two weeks later only to finish it with more fear of just letting go. I go to try and find it and of course it's packed away in a box. Go figure, right? I think I just have to get some deep inner strength going, suck it up, and follow through regardless. I'm moving in less than a week essentially. I'm not packed completely, and I feel like the plan in vague. I want nothing more than to just snap my fingers and have it all be completely done and behind me. Wouldn't that be lovely?
Anyways...I'm going to try and be as positive the rest of the day as possible. Right now I just want to crawl into a hole, sleep, and cry.

XO
Justin

Ass

Today I'm wearing a pair of jeans I haven't worn in a little while. Perhaps it's because they're "loose fit" but...for some reason the damn things keep falling down...meanwhile confirming the fact that I have no ass. I do have an ass...it's just small. I wish it could be proportionate to the rest of my body. I look in the mirror and I see a tall guy with a giant rib cage and an ass as flat as a pan cake. The jeans are 31 waist...normally I'm a 32 sometimes 33...but for some reason these are just sagging. No more loose fit purchases for me I say...ho hum...
Vacation was great. I spent 5 days with my mom and my aunt driving up the east coast line going through Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Maine, and New Jersey. It was SO relaxing. Now it's back to real life.....
trying to decide whether to get my hair cut or not...i miss the crazy hairdo a little...hmmm....

Justin

For some...

reason I'm nostalgic this afternoon.  Perhaps it's because I've fallen out of touch with many people who I used to be close with, and kept in close contact with only a few.  The phone works both ways-but of course I can't help today for some reason but to feel totally and utterly separated from my past.  For just a moment I would love the opportunity to be back in my batchelder dorm room just for 5 minutes and have Tosha, Jodie, Nick, Nicki, Ashley, Justin, and all the other gang back in the room.  Just for 5 minutes...before any of us knew what our lives would become-what responsibility we would have.  *sigh*  I can't help but think back on so many years with a full heart.  That weekend of exams partying at Nicki's....those were the days.  I miss dreaming sometimes like we did...driving in the car...eating at Cheddar's or MYLES.  I guess I'm learning to really appreciate the moment as it comes. My life now is just amazing--but my past seems so far away right now. 

C'est la vie

Justin

Uncertainty & Bliss

There's so much uncertainty today. The economy is shit.  Regardless of what political stance one takes it's undeniable that we are in a bit pile of shit.  I saw my stocks plummet between yesterday and today.  Craziness.  Whatever.  My parents have lost power and will be out of it for over a week. Food prices have been soaring everywhere. Remembering that we absolutely have NO control is something that we all need to remember. Knowing this it's hard to find the positive things in life...and then...at 3:30 in the morning after waking up...I have mind blowing sex and I'm reminded about what life is all about.  :)  

Justin

Today

I was about to type in a blog bitching about everything in my world that has been pissy today.  I could complain about how my debit card was stolen, or how my commute to work was 689 hours....but....as I sat here and finally allowed myself to calm down I looked at the news and see what is happening in Texas....and I realize I have a lot to be thankful for--and nothing to complain about. 

My thoughts and good energy to TX. 

Justin

Funny One

So today during lunch I hit the gym as I try to usually do.  I've gotta get back into going in the morning...but that's a different story. Anyways...I did the routine and then I spent about 10 minutes in the steam room and then I got into the shower.  I got out and usually try to fight the crowd to get to my locker and have my own little bit of space to change.  I put my shit in my bag and then sat my bag on the floor and stepped over a few feet to dry my hair and stand in front of the cool fan.  The room was PACKED!  I noticed a guy right beside my locker who had sprawled all of his shit close to mine...his bag actually being right next to mine.  Whatever.  I glanced back and noticed him leaving.  I thought for a moment to myself..."I hope he doesn't accidentally take my bag or shoes or something..."  I saw him leave and at the corner of my eye thought he was carrying my bag.  I brushed the thought off and continued to get ready and walked back to my locker. Sure enough my bag was gone. At this point I'm still only in my towel that is wrapped around my waist-nothing else.  I freaked out. I mean completely flipped.  I kept thinking about everything that was in there. I had NO choice in my mind but to run after him.  I literally ran out of the bathroom screaming "he has my bag!" The front desk people and everyone at the machines nearby just looked at me like I was an alien.  Here I am in New York Sports Club in nothing but a towel screaming and running...I run all the way up the steps and just as I get to the top I notice him outside walking down 2nd Ave just a bit.  I go outside and yell at him and he turns around.  He apologized and was so embarrassed....I grabbed my bag and shamefully ran downstairs. He came and grabbed his shortly after that.  I rushed so fast to get out of there because I was embarrassed.  I literally walked through my gym and onto 2nd Ave. in the largest city in the world in just a towel!  Oh the looks I got, and I'm sure many people will have good dinner time stories for their family and friends. 

C'est la vie....

The mornings...

are sometimes hard to keep my eyes open for.  It's a mental thing.  Yesterday I wanted to sleep in late--evidently sleeping in late for me these days is 9 a.m.  I remember when it used to be noon or later.  Today I'm finding myself sitting here just wanting to put my head down and sleep.  Wouldn't that be nice?  

Today I'm thankful for the following:

Waking up in a warm bed with Greg, lots of merrrs, a nice smooth commute to work this morning, getting to work early enough to have breakfast and a big decaf. coffee, having a yummy dinner last night with friends, having a wonderful dinner on Friday night, spending a lot of the weekend with amazing people, a trip to Target, a new apartment in a week, some money in the bank, a fan at my desk, seeing my parents this weekend for a few hours, sleeping in until 9, not having any big obligations this weekend, having some prospects coming up, having a job, having income, having a wonderful family, wonderful friends, having a break soon, a hopeful upcoming election, fall being around the corner, the holidays being around the corner, cold weather around the corner, a new wardrobe, a new website, a career taking off, being in good voice, my neti pot, being surrounded by creativity and forward thinking, being awake, conquering addictions, being happy, being confident, enjoying life. 

I'm often

asked many questions by people who are curious about life as an artist...what would I have done different if I could go back in time...how does one make a living being an artist...is it easy...is it hard...what are some of your challenges...etc....after a LONG conversation with someone about this today it's at the forefront of my mind, and has me thinking.  Maybe some readers would wanna post their thoughts? Opinions too? 

I think the main thing that actors, singers, and perhaps artists do wrong initially is that they try to model the journey of their career after another.  I've learned that you can't do this.   There really is only one of you...why be anyone else?  Journeys are such an individual thing.  I can't predict another individual's artistic or personal path.  We look at other people in hopes that it will make things easier on us.  Like there is a formula we can follow and if we do the equation just right, then things will work out perfectly and we'll reach a certain level of success.  Look at other careers, yes there may be common things that each person went through (ie; college, internship, etc) however the exact details of how they got there are their own.  If you analyzed their paths deeply you would find many deviations along the way.  Artists sometimes also look at themselves as the only special people in the world.  The ego is extremely strong and they feel isolated--they create this isolation within their own world to feed their egos.  Call me crazy, but I believe it's true.  Yes we are artists, but we are also people.  Learn to live life while being an artist.  My life thus far has been very interesting in this regard.  Letting go is a process that is a daily meditation. 

From the time I was a very young child I performed.  I was always pretending, memorizing movies, and always reenacting scenes from television or film.  I wanted to be an actor--hell at that point it didn't matter--I didn't know what I wanted to be. But I LOVED creating, imitating, and just being in front of people.  Even as a young child I remember the thrill of doing the Pee-Wee Herman dance in front of my family and getting laughs.  The older I got the more I continued this.  It was something I loved.  When I entered high school I had to start thinking of a career.  It never crossed my mind that I would do something artistic. My first choice was to be a funeral director.  This obviously didn't work out and once I started doing theatre in my teens I decided this was going to be my life.  I believe I was looked at as odd in school, in fact I know I was.  I did every single play that I could, and once I got my foot into community theatre I dove right into heavy roles unsuitable for a 17 year old--but damn good for training and exposure.  I didn't care that others found me odd.  I decided to try and stop fitting in.  This was apparent when I wasn't one of the jocks in the school.  I didn't play one of the many sports that one was required to play to be considered cool.  It wasn't my thing.  I was in choir, show choir, theatre, and loved the journalism courses I took and also loved being the president of the newspaper.  I was determined I believe to be in theatre.  Old bios in programs scream future actor when I would write things such as "future goals are to move to L.A. or NYC and become a successful film and stage actor."  My parents weren't too thrilled by this...reasonably so.  Their child was wanting to do something that was totally different.  He wasn't going to stay in small town Ohio the rest of his life.  They pretty much wanted me to have a degree in something that I could use as a "fall back."  I hated that--and still do in so many ways.  It's the worst thing to say to a dreaming child.  They meant well but lesson learned...my child will NEVER hear those words.  

I was off to college and not really finding a major that we could compromise on I decided to pursue a music degree in voice.  Thinking it would gear me towards musical theatre or just theatre in general.  All right...wonderful.  I get there and I start having the best time of my life.  Ahhh to be around people who were as weird as me...other people who weren't the coolest in their schools.  People who were artists! It was just amazing! Thrilling!  I started studying voice. My first real teacher opened me up in the four years I studied with her.  All of my good vocal habits I learned from her training!  She knew what she was doing with my voice and wanted to make it as usable and limber as possible.  NO strain and no force necessary. Every lesson was progress...I was amazed. There was always something new happening! I some how edged into the world of opera.  I had never seen an opera, let alone sang anything like that before. Here was an amazing challenge that was before me. I wanted to do this.  I wanted to try and sing classically.  I loved the stories, the language, the combination of theatre, and the thought of being a part of a high art was thrilling to me.  I continued for a while to do musicals and pursue that venue as well as opera.  It was great fun!  I was so busy for a while. At one point I was taking 22 credit hours (insane), singing in a musical, doing an opera, and also a chorus. It was a constant busy.  I would have class starting at 8:30 and wouldn't be home until 10:30.  I LOVED it!!  However somewhere along the way I got lost...lost in this ideal...lost in what my journey SHOULD be.  I thought I would continue into this opera world and that grad. school was the best option.  I suppose it was at the time.  I was scared to death to do anything else.  Leaving school and entering the real world at that time would have been frightening. 

OK so I continued...staying at my alma mater. I felt it necessary to study with a new teacher who I believed could really take a voice to another level.  The voice changed...at first this new found confidence was amazing. It was thrilling and it was something I couldn't resist being a part of.  My teacher was this gigantic force of amazing-ness.  He was this truly amazing person to me...a very strong male presence in my life that was much needed at the time.  His personality was just as big as he was tall and I loved it.  Somehow things got twisted...I started wanting to BE him. Which is impossible.  After singing in Europe (which was the time of my life) I started questioning my technique.  My teachers in Europe brought the technique back down...saying my voice was beautiful and just to let it flow out.  It felt natural. Not as technically produced as I came in with when I would just let go and sing.  But through this all I realized that I got too far into my head.  I felt I should be this certain type of baritone.  I should have this specific sound--which never seemed to be pleasing enough to my teacher--who I believe in some ways was a perfectionist because he wanted success for his students so badly.  I thought I should be a certain way, I could only sing certain music, I couldn't switch styles, I should never go out and live, I should always be studying a score, always sacrificing, etc.  This unhealthy thinking has continued...I've relinquished most of it.  But constantly have to deal with it.  Perhaps my disappointment in my being honest about questioning technique and being handed a card of hurt feelings and belief of lies was hard to deal with.  However honesty is always the best policy.  Throughout all of this I have learned more about my voice, and more importantly about myself.  

When I think about how difficult some parts of my journey have been thus far, I've often wanted to cry thinking it is hopeless!  Now I feel the ability to truly let go of things.  To be the child I was when I did all kinds of things.  There's nothing to fear.  Everyone will have different opinions, but in the end we choose our own happiness and journey.  Just like my parents saying "you should have a fall back career," or a teacher saying "there's something different about your voice I think we need to push this down and do this..." we MUST take that with a grain of salt. It proves that we cannot follow their journeys, but only learn from what they tell us, eh?  

Here I am sitting at my desk at my day job.  It's great.  I have a salary, benefits, and time off.  I work with amazing people.  It's true there are days when sitting at the desk all day makes me want to shove bamboo under my nails.  It's true I often wish I could be busy.  But it allows me to be in a job where I'm not constantly traveling, running around, or always stressed and tired.  It allows me to look through music, read, or do whatever I need during the day...it allows me the ability to pay my bills, and continue to strive for what I want to do.  I've been in NYC almost a year and have been in two NYC shows, have a professional singing gig, will be singing a role in a NYC premiere of an opera, and made so many wonderful friends and a relationship people envy.  I'm SUPER  blessed to be where I'm at at this time.  When I look back I'm glad I didn't play sports.  I'm glad I never tried to fit in during that period of my life, and when I tried to I see why it failed.  I get updates occasionally on some people from high school.  People will occasionally befriend me on myspace or facebook.  People I haven't spoken to or thought of in years.  I find it funny to hear stories of the popular girl or guy who I remember always shining, always seeming to be full of life and dreams--and what's ironic is when I hear they have married (some multiple times), have 5 kids, live in a trailer park, and work making minimum wage or a little above.  And even more so these people who were the object of sexual desire in the school have gained weight here and there--some more than others.  It makes me laugh a little on the inside...and in some ways makes me want to give a big resounding FUCK YOU to all those people who called me a fag or some other amazingly insulting name.  I want to scream FUCK YOU--here I am and there you are!  But then I realize I have to let that go.  Everyone's journey is different.  Perhaps they're happy--perhaps they never want to leave small town Ohio.  That's fine.  

While at times I get itchy to do what I really want to do 24/7 I have to remember patience is the key.  To answer the question as of what would I do differently?  In reality I can't go back.  If I could I would have studied theatre 100%, or English, or Business.  And then skipped straight ahead to a trade such as massage therapist or yoga instructor. Doing something that would allow me to set my own schedule while making an income trying to be a performing artist.  That wasn't my journey.  I chose and my world was shaken-there you have it.  So what, right? We can plan only so much-and then we have to just let fate take over.  That was my answer to the person I spoke to today. Simply that you can't plan too much.  I think she thought I was being vague, as often people do.  I've been told it's not the proactive choice to take-when in fact I think it's the most active choice one can take at any time.  To just let go and let things happen. Why would I try to continue pushing things in my life? It doesn't work.  Tonight I start practicing fully again.  I coach this week.  I'm nervous because all of these thoughts are swirling through my head from the past.  This vocal image that I think I should have...WILL I BE ABLE TO FULFILL THAT?  WILL I BE EXTREMELY RUSTY? WHAT IS MY FACH?  WAS I CRAZY TO THINK I WAS MAYBE A TENOR WHEN I COULD LEGITIMATELY BE A TRUE LYRIC BARITONE? WHAT REP SHOULD I BE DOING? HOW CAN I SING M.T. AND ALSO BE VERSATILE AND AGILE ENOUGH TO STILL KEEP MY OPERA CHOPS GOING?  WHAT IF I AM ALWAYS REJECTED IN BOTH? AM I EVER GOING TO BE FREE FROM MY THOUGHTS? WHAT IF I'VE DAMAGED MY VOICE? This is the dialogue...I'm living with it, accepting the questions, and choosing to live the answers.  I wrote earlier on a piece of paper that ANY utterance of sound that comes out of me MUST come with purpose of some kind. There has to be a reason or motivation that it is coming out.  Otherwise there is no point.  

Life changes.  You can't plan too much. You can't listen too much. Feel more. Wax on, wax off. Winter/Spring will hopefully bring an enlightening artistic period of continuing to just do by experimenting and studying a bit more.  The decisions will be made.  We move in a couple of weeks. So many wonderful changes that I cannot wait for.  The journey continues.  I must write and will write a book someday.  

For now-

J.