My morning pages?

Seriously...is the R train being driven by the student drivers? 

I swear the past couple of days it has been driven by my grandmother.

Today I left an extra 10 minutes early so that I would get to work on time & perhaps have a few extra minutes to grab coffee and a sandwhich at starbucks.  After about 10 hours on the R I finally get to the 6...I start to get on and am suddenly pushed.  Ok so today I've had it already...I take my bag and I swing it around and I look at this older man who has shoved me--I can barely contain my rage and the words suddenly fly out of my mouth--"DO NOT FUCKING PUSH ME--I"M TRYING TO MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE TRAIN WHICH IS WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO AND YOU'RE PUSHING ME JUST SO YOU CAN STAY BY THE FUCKING DOOR!!"  He stared at me almost in shock that I said something--the section of the car got quiet and at this point my face I know must have been completely red.  This constant pushing annoys the piss out of me to no end.  Why other people disregard other human beings is beyond me.  As if other people aren't in the same hurry to get somewhere, as if other people don't want to get on the train as well.  It's very irritating and I mind it VERY fucking much.  This disregard for other human beings always becomes apparent on the train.  I have lately found myself not caring about other people as well...pushing more...and not giving a fuck about possibly bumping into someone.  Maybe this is what pisses me off more--because I refuse to be like that and yet I have become that in some strange way.  Who knows.  So there's my vent with that....

I'm very frustrated today artistically as well...I've got to get back up and going with my morning pages again.  All of these lovely doubts and bullshit keep coming into my head.  This seems more like the stuff that should be coming out onto those pages.  I feel stuck right now--not sure where to go even though I feel the best thing to do is wait.  But I feel that I just want to explode with what I want to do.  Today is the birthday of someone who I have been extremely close to for many years...to say we're best friends anymore is kind of a hard thing for me to do.  Like a few other people in my life I have barely spoken to her since moving to New York.  I know that things change and people change-but I can't help but feel a little bitter when keeping in touch is one sided.  Who knows...my pissy mind frame could be causing me much irritation this morning.  I need the sun...I need the water...I need something.  Perhaps I will take Kim up on her artistic getaway and us bonding time in New Paltz.  

I'm sure the mood will get better. 

XO

justin