Trains

So this morning was probably one of the most interesting train rides I've had since I've been here in New York.  I get to my stop about 10 minutes earlier than normal because I'm wanting to get to work early.  The train is of course running behind and so I know then at this point that when it comes it's gonna be packed full of people.  Of course as it pulls up I look in and people are barely able to move.  I'm determined to get in and I do. I move to as close to the center as possible and I grab on to the rail.  As the train starts to take off I notice someone sitting on the floor of the train right next to me...legs spread out.  Usually I only see this if it's a homeless person or in general someone a few fries short of a happy meal.  Of course I notice the lady sitting there.  I saw her get kicked off an evening train once when I was heading to midtown from my apartment. I remembered her cursing at nothing and just acting violent, and the conductor kicking her off.  It was the first time I saw that.  Well...within a few short minutes of me standing next to her--being surrounded by people--I hear her screaming again.  She's screaming things like..."FUCK YOU YOU BITCH GET OUT OF MY SEAT...I WANT A SEAT..."  Ok...this is ridiculous.  I wish someone would have just given her a seat--but obviously no one was willing to do this.  What's worse is I hear a loud noise through my ipod music. It sounds like a door slamming when at the same time I feel my hand vibrate....I turn...here she is violently banging the back of her head on the pole. Not in a playful way...but in a way that says "I WANT MY BRAINS TO SEEP OUT OF MY EARS" banging.  She wasn't stopping.  I was quite disturbed by this.  I mean besides the fact that this woman is obviously mentally ill in some way...I really didn't want to witness someone bashing their head so hard that blood would start coming out of her ears.  The lady standing closest to her kept looking at me in horror....as well as others. But it disturbed me that NO ONE was saying anything.  I was FREAKED out and getting pissed.  The last stop before Manhattan brought much confusion to the train as the usual people at Queensboro tried to cram even further into an already crammed train.  She freaked out even more.  Her cursing got worse and more profane--she was yelling directly at these two women sitting in front of her.  Perhaps these people have seen her many times before and just expect this behavior...perhaps everyone was just able to tune it out better than me...perhaps people took sympathy on her....who knows....but something snapped within me. I couldn't hear her head banging against the pole ONE more time...and I especially couldn't hear or see her yelling at other passengers.  I leaned down and in an adrenaline filled moment I looked at her and I said..."HEY! HEY SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!  YOU HAVE A GODDAMN SEAT ON THE FLOOR NOW SHUT UP, STOP YELLING, AND PLEASE STOP BANGING YOUR HEAD!"  The train became silent. I could barely believe what I just said--she looked at me and simply said..."FUCK YOU!" And I looked right back at her and I said..."NO-FUCK YOU! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!"  She stopped.  She certainly didn't utter another word until we got to 59th and Lexington.  As soon as the doors opened she went at it again yelling at people.  I decided to go to the conductor of the train and make it known that someone was harrassing the other riders.  As I approach there is a line of about 10 people telling the conductor the same thing. The conductor gets out and goes into the car.  That's all I know...as I had to get to work and catch my transfer.  

I don't feel bad about yelling.  I really don't.  I realize that she may be mentally ill or mentally handicapped in some way.  But regardless...that gives no one reason to cause a disturbance on the train. And it especially gives no one reason for banging their head and for yelling throughout and entire train ride harassing the other passengers.  These days you just don't know who is riding the train, who is walking beside you, etc.  I was not about to give this women the power. Someone needed to let her know that she was in the wrong and WHO had the power.  

So that's my interesting story of the day.  Now...the thankful list:

I'm thankful today that:

1) I made it to work on time/early

2) Today is pay day

3) I have money in my account

4) I had time to stop at starbucks this morning

5) Waking up again to warm kisses

6) I'm going away this weekend with my love. 

7) I'm seeing my two best friends this weekend.

8) I can sing.

9) That I have a good job.

10) that I have prospects

11) That I don't bang my head on the subway posts.

Thankful

Today I'm thankful for:

1) The warm kisses and hugs this morning as I woke up.

2) Getting on the train early and getting to work on time. 

3) Hearing Mandy's fun story last night. 

4) The friendly maid at work today who always makes me laugh.

5) A fan blowing the paint fumes away from my desk today.

6) Waking up with less garbage in my chest. 

7) Getting a text from Tosha saying she's graduating with honors. 

8) Having food to eat.

9) Being able to withdraw money from the atm and not worry about it.  

10) Sunday family dinners. 

11) Good friends.

12) A mini-vacation on Thursday-Sunday with Greg. 

XOXOXOOXOX

What are YOU thankful for??

Oh what a beautiful mahhhhhning....

If the temperature would always be what it is now all year round--the weather would be perfect! I woke up this morning after sleeping much later I planned to a nice breeze blowing through my room. I love the feeling on days off when I can just feel a cool breeze through the window and snuggle back under the covers-knowing that I can sleep longer if I want. And also the breeze just brings some fresh air into my room. I'm constantly trying to remind myself to pay attention to all the small details in life--they make a difference. I'm continually striving to be filled with gratitude for all of the wonderful things in my life-in an effort to stay positive. So often every morning I can feel the turn of negativity happen from the minute I step out of bed and into the shower. One small change of thought can change this terrible pattern, because if you're at all like me then one negative thought leads to another leads to another leads to more which basically equals a terrible terrible day! So each day whether it's one work....two words...two pages....etc....I'm going to try and make sure I blog about what I'm grateful for that day. I'm going to challenge all of you bloggers and all of you non-bloggers out there to do the same. Just take 5 minutes and write down what you're truly grateful for. I think it will make a huge difference in your day. So today I'm thankful for the following:

1) A warm bed
2) Food to eat
3) Some money in the bank
4) Having a wonderful relationship with someone I'm truly in love with.
5) Having a wonderful circle of friends here who are supportive, kind, and like family.
6) Having a wonderful day job that isn't demanding & wipes out all my energy.
7) Having talent.
8) Having a loving family who cares for & supports me.
9) The neighbor who always cooks big breakfasts because the smells come through my window & remind me of the smells from my grandma's kitchen.
10) Those friends in Ohio who have kept in contact with me regardless of distance.
11) Saturdays blogging in bed.
12) Saturdays walking to Starbucks & getting coffee.
13) Saturday evenings in Brooklyn.

Now u try! :-) I feel much better. Gonna walk to starbucks....

XO
-Justin

What is funny...

You know what I find to be hillarious is the following:
When someone holds a grudge about something that is so far in the past...so untrue...and in general completely retarded. It's amazing to me the bullshit that lingers from something that supposedly happened a year ago. I have this to say...fuck you for not accepting my apology, my honesty, my sincerity, and above all my request because some voice with blonde hair and boobs has said "this is just something I don't understand--how you could still be friends after all of this has been said." FUCK you...pussy!

Good night!

The past

Your breath pouring on me

the smell I adore--

your sweet kisses embrace my body

our skin is touching and I feel you all over me. 

Something clicks-

the past is finally gone. It hit me. 

I am able to completely let go.

I let go in every way.

Feeling my body literally release--this brought tears to my eyes.

All the painful things of the past were gone.

The terrible words-the anger-the not letting go-the hatred-the lies-everything. 

Moving on with you is a dream.

I'll be yours for the rest of your life if you let me. 

-Justin

Artistic Juices...

Well they're flowing again!  This is great...

planning the cabaret--

I have some good songs...good ideas (thank you my love)

Web site should be up soon....

here we come!

--Justin

Racism & What will kill our country

Interesting story:

Yesterday....after a terrific weekend I decided to do some shopping. I was leaving the store and a lady was walking briskly. I wasn't in her way when she shouted "Get the fuck out of my way...I don't like whitey!" Meanwhile a surge goes through me full of rage and anger and I shout back..."EXCUSE ME!" Meanwhile she is closer to me and she spits at me! Without even thinking at this point my left hand which is holding three large bags full of items swings up with the bags smacking the bitch in the face. She continues yelling at me when at this point 2 other guys have heard and seen this happen and they push her away and tell her to get the fuck out of their neighborhood. When I tell people this story they ask me..."what race was she?" I must say I don't know...it doesn't matter. This shouldn't have happened....regardless now I kind of laugh but also am still angered in many ways by it.

NOW...I found this today. This is what I believe is the problem with our society today. Talk about judging, narrow minded views, etc....this disgusts me and makes me truly believe that the radical evangelical Christians are truly almost just as bad as the Islamic extremists. This makes me sick...I am reminded of the infiltration that this lifestyle creates...the way they twist things to serve their own agenda...and more so the way they use Jesus Christ--the teacher of love--to preach hate. And now this crazy video they made about Oprah....just kind of makes me laugh.

Like poo

I have been feeling like crap for over a week now..

in general.  

Today has been the best "I feel GOOD" day so far.  I'm still worried because there is a ton of junk in my chest today--I have kitties in there. 

Though I've been taking mucinex it just doesn't want to go away. So I'm seeing the doctor today. There's so much junk going around-bad junk too. 

Usually if it's just a cold it's gone in a few days for me.

This has lingered almost two weeks.  Time to get some peace of mind or some drugs.  

Lots of positive energy coming round the bend these days....

XO

--Justin

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time...

a boy decided to cut coffee (caffeine)

cut cigarettes

become a vegetarian

and be the next world wrestling champion--

all in one day.

Woah! 

The little boy became sick

a general happening.

Weather changes are hard.

All at the same time.

The little boy had breakdowns

several.

Felt he was going crazy.

Maybe he is.

Perhaps he will.

Headaches all day--

kept questioning...

"cut caffeine--duh!"

OH SHIT...he thinks...

that would explain it. 

Going from 8 cups to 1 cup will do that. 

Going from half a pack or more a day to

1 smoke a day...will make you crazy.

This is good though. 

The boy was able to realize what is important

what needed to be done-

scary-but true.

He has begun to break a bad cycle.

Once upon a time....

there was a boy

who was patient with himself

who praised himself for his efforts

who decided to keep working--

breaking patterns

no more guilt.

Ease

do it all with ease. 

Again today 1 cup of coffee

head ache is not there

feeling much better today

still a tad sore in the throat-

but good. 

He wants to smoke sometimes

but realizes that he's done so well--

he HAS to continue.  Not yet making it a completely go away--

but stopping the habits.

Which he knew would be the hardest to stop

thinking it would be easier just to completely stop altogether.

No.

A plan is much better.

Listen to your own heart he tells himself.

Today is a better day.

Money in the account this morning--thank God.

The Secret really does work.

Long weekend...

voice lesson early next week

I need it.  

The boy sits now at his desk

looking at two cows eating grass

smiling...

Back to life...

c'est la vie. 

-J-

Monday...oh sure.

Yes it's Monday. The weekend is gone. Another week comes & then will go.  Time is flying! We went to Coney Island this week.  It was nice being by the water. Someday it will be a permanent thing.  Well not in Coney Island--but you know what I mean.  I saw a suringe (sp) on the beach. I remember when I was a kid...when New York was a different and much more Port Authority/8th Ave. place and I remember hearing about the beaches around Coney Island just being covered with dirty drug needles and trash.  I had a feeling I might see something of a remnant from those days.  Alas there it was.  I snapped a photo with my cell phone.  Speaking of drugs...I heard a story from someone I adore who is a close friend about a party she was at recently.  The party suddenly turned into a festival of cocaine.  Her reaction was similar to mine--one of shock and disbelief.  I've since met more people who have done drugs, do drugs, or are generally more accepting of them.  I find it disturbing myself...my reaction would have been to freak out and just leave the party immediately.  I have a huge problem with drugs, specifically anything stronger than marijuana.  Why do you ask?  Well kids...D.A.R.E. in the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th grade paid off.  

XO

Justin

Maintenance

So I have been following through to one of my previous blog posts on quitting smoking.  

I decided to break the habits before lunging totally.  It has been what I thought: the hardest. 

Last night was the first major break through.  My hardest time is always before I have a long train ride because I usually like to smoke then. Last night I didn't...I bought a HUGE sucker with gum in the middle ohhh it was fun.  I didn't have as many problems. 

Anyways...ok

too much champagne at work...

cannot blog anymore. 

Love

Justin

Exactly!

Go to John Mayer's web site and read his latest blog posting...

it made complete sense to me & gave me a good bump in the day. 

www.johnmayer.com

-Justin

My morning pages?

Seriously...is the R train being driven by the student drivers? 

I swear the past couple of days it has been driven by my grandmother.

Today I left an extra 10 minutes early so that I would get to work on time & perhaps have a few extra minutes to grab coffee and a sandwhich at starbucks.  After about 10 hours on the R I finally get to the 6...I start to get on and am suddenly pushed.  Ok so today I've had it already...I take my bag and I swing it around and I look at this older man who has shoved me--I can barely contain my rage and the words suddenly fly out of my mouth--"DO NOT FUCKING PUSH ME--I"M TRYING TO MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE TRAIN WHICH IS WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO AND YOU'RE PUSHING ME JUST SO YOU CAN STAY BY THE FUCKING DOOR!!"  He stared at me almost in shock that I said something--the section of the car got quiet and at this point my face I know must have been completely red.  This constant pushing annoys the piss out of me to no end.  Why other people disregard other human beings is beyond me.  As if other people aren't in the same hurry to get somewhere, as if other people don't want to get on the train as well.  It's very irritating and I mind it VERY fucking much.  This disregard for other human beings always becomes apparent on the train.  I have lately found myself not caring about other people as well...pushing more...and not giving a fuck about possibly bumping into someone.  Maybe this is what pisses me off more--because I refuse to be like that and yet I have become that in some strange way.  Who knows.  So there's my vent with that....

I'm very frustrated today artistically as well...I've got to get back up and going with my morning pages again.  All of these lovely doubts and bullshit keep coming into my head.  This seems more like the stuff that should be coming out onto those pages.  I feel stuck right now--not sure where to go even though I feel the best thing to do is wait.  But I feel that I just want to explode with what I want to do.  Today is the birthday of someone who I have been extremely close to for many years...to say we're best friends anymore is kind of a hard thing for me to do.  Like a few other people in my life I have barely spoken to her since moving to New York.  I know that things change and people change-but I can't help but feel a little bitter when keeping in touch is one sided.  Who knows...my pissy mind frame could be causing me much irritation this morning.  I need the sun...I need the water...I need something.  Perhaps I will take Kim up on her artistic getaway and us bonding time in New Paltz.  

I'm sure the mood will get better. 

XO

justin