all I need is the air that I breathe...

I'm sittting here debating whether or not to post what I'm about to post. I suppose I will, perhaps it's better to just be open and honest. I honestly only know of about 3 other people who read this-so I suppose perhaps it will be enlightening to them--or someone else as well. I'm exhausted...I'm fucking beat down and tired of a habit I have been trying to break for years. Smoking never came naturally to me. I always hated it when my grandfather would smoke, and later when my father briefly smoked I hated it. I was in a play where the character smoked. I was 16. I had touched a cigarette only once in my life on a family vacation. My cousins and I thought it would be cool to steal a cigarette from our grandfather's pack-so we did. We had no idea what we were doing. Anyways...when I was handed a pack of cigarettes for this play I could barely open the pack correctly, and I most certainly had to be taught how to light a cigarette. I didn't see what was so great about cigarettes, in fact I never realized that you actually INHALE the damn things until I accidentally did it one night during a rehearsal. My head got light, I felt high and it was the most interesting feeling to me. After that on stage I found it cut a bit of the edge off, but I never did it outside of the theatre. Alas another play required my smoking genius-this time I was 17 going on 18. At this point I would on occasion enjoy a cigarette with some friends during the weekend-usually I would end up nauscious. Alas another play came along and I started smoking again...this time enjoying it more and more. I finally was able to get an older friend to buy me a pack of smokes. My FIRST pack ever...Marlboro lights...GROSS. These would just last usually 3 or 4 weeks-maybe more. Long story short...the smoking addiction bit me. I was never a heavy smoker really-however I was bit and Benson and Hedges Menthol 100's were my cigarette of choice--and still are to this day. I closet smoked most of my undergrad. career--fearing the wrath of teachers and colleagues who would think it was terrible (well not the ones I knew who smoked). I would quit off and on when I could-but very rarely could and wouldn't follow through. It honestly became an amazing release. Something I could just totally have for myself that no one could really take away. It was something I could do while driving on long trips. It was the reward after a long night of performing, or a long day working. Grad school I actually made a successful full on quit after my tonsillectomy for about 2 months--unfortunately that didn't last long. So the smoking continued...and continued...and has still continued. I haven't full out tried quitting since coming to New York, simply because up until two months ago I was still considering my life as a HUGE adjustment--and my only "salvation" for a while was to step outside and smoke. Well I had a light bulb moment yesterday...I'M DONE! I've had enough! BASTA! I honestly have to say I haven't had this strong of an urge to quit-EVER. I realized that several of my dreams have already come true: 1) I moved to the place I've ALWAYS wanted to be...and I'm surviving and doing well (2) I wasn't here a month and started performing...this is a huge deal (3) I am with someone who I plan on being with hopefully for the rest of my life--the perfect man in every way for me-what I have always wanted. I have SO much going for me. Yes there are many things in limbo, yes I'm a "young" adult starting out in life...but I have had the strength to make it this far-Goddamnit I'm not going to let this addiction get to me anymore.
I truly believe a lot of us have big dreams...we have hopes...desires. The biggest thing that holds us back is fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of love, rejection, etc. For me I have realized that smoking has been the last thing to just hang on to that allows me to still have those fears. And while in most of my life I've let them go--there is still that little bit that tells me..."you shouldn't stop smoking...it won't be worth it...you're just gonna be miserable...it's not gonna benefit you, etc, etc." I say FUCK YOU! I've never been able to before...but now I am. It's time to just let go and go full force. I received a free New York quit kit containing nicotine patches the other day. And damnit I'm going to do it. Today I will figure out the best strategy for quitting--rather than jumping in blind and being smacked in the face with everything at once. There's a balance of really just letting go and totally losing your shit because it's too much...and really working hard to figure out WHY you smoke...what the triggers are...and smoothly breaking those habits before making the full on plunge. Most people say to wait 2 weeks before quitting...to set a date...work towards that date and really start working out those habits before just quitting. I'm trying to figure out if that's the best way to go or not. I've attempted before and usually it has ended up with me actually just forgetting about the quit and continuing to smoke and not breaking the habits. HOWEVER if I choose that route I am determined to carry around a list with me of all the reasons why I'm quitting...and constantly review them...I know it sounds gay...but ya know what...it's an addiction. I'll force myself to stop smoking before getting on the train--deal with those feels and eliminate that habit so that my withdrawl won't be so painful.
So...if you read this...prepare to be on a journey with me. Perhaps making this public makes me more accountable for my actions. So we begin to clean lungs, a stronger voice, healthier skin and teeth, and no more fear!

XO
Justin