Today

Today is one of those days...

for some reason I sat on the train this morning on the way to work and felt an overwhelming sadness.  Not sure why, but I did.  Sometimes life just seems stale-even in the fast city.  There are days when I just want to stay in bed, watch tv, be unmotivated, and do nothing.  Today was one of those days.  It's still gloomy and cold here, and perhaps that's the problem.  I also feel that there's really nothing I have to "work on" right now...I'm kind of just empty. 

My goal today is to try and get better...

be more positive...

J-

all I need is the air that I breathe...

I'm sittting here debating whether or not to post what I'm about to post. I suppose I will, perhaps it's better to just be open and honest. I honestly only know of about 3 other people who read this-so I suppose perhaps it will be enlightening to them--or someone else as well. I'm exhausted...I'm fucking beat down and tired of a habit I have been trying to break for years. Smoking never came naturally to me. I always hated it when my grandfather would smoke, and later when my father briefly smoked I hated it. I was in a play where the character smoked. I was 16. I had touched a cigarette only once in my life on a family vacation. My cousins and I thought it would be cool to steal a cigarette from our grandfather's pack-so we did. We had no idea what we were doing. Anyways...when I was handed a pack of cigarettes for this play I could barely open the pack correctly, and I most certainly had to be taught how to light a cigarette. I didn't see what was so great about cigarettes, in fact I never realized that you actually INHALE the damn things until I accidentally did it one night during a rehearsal. My head got light, I felt high and it was the most interesting feeling to me. After that on stage I found it cut a bit of the edge off, but I never did it outside of the theatre. Alas another play required my smoking genius-this time I was 17 going on 18. At this point I would on occasion enjoy a cigarette with some friends during the weekend-usually I would end up nauscious. Alas another play came along and I started smoking again...this time enjoying it more and more. I finally was able to get an older friend to buy me a pack of smokes. My FIRST pack ever...Marlboro lights...GROSS. These would just last usually 3 or 4 weeks-maybe more. Long story short...the smoking addiction bit me. I was never a heavy smoker really-however I was bit and Benson and Hedges Menthol 100's were my cigarette of choice--and still are to this day. I closet smoked most of my undergrad. career--fearing the wrath of teachers and colleagues who would think it was terrible (well not the ones I knew who smoked). I would quit off and on when I could-but very rarely could and wouldn't follow through. It honestly became an amazing release. Something I could just totally have for myself that no one could really take away. It was something I could do while driving on long trips. It was the reward after a long night of performing, or a long day working. Grad school I actually made a successful full on quit after my tonsillectomy for about 2 months--unfortunately that didn't last long. So the smoking continued...and continued...and has still continued. I haven't full out tried quitting since coming to New York, simply because up until two months ago I was still considering my life as a HUGE adjustment--and my only "salvation" for a while was to step outside and smoke. Well I had a light bulb moment yesterday...I'M DONE! I've had enough! BASTA! I honestly have to say I haven't had this strong of an urge to quit-EVER. I realized that several of my dreams have already come true: 1) I moved to the place I've ALWAYS wanted to be...and I'm surviving and doing well (2) I wasn't here a month and started performing...this is a huge deal (3) I am with someone who I plan on being with hopefully for the rest of my life--the perfect man in every way for me-what I have always wanted. I have SO much going for me. Yes there are many things in limbo, yes I'm a "young" adult starting out in life...but I have had the strength to make it this far-Goddamnit I'm not going to let this addiction get to me anymore.
I truly believe a lot of us have big dreams...we have hopes...desires. The biggest thing that holds us back is fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of love, rejection, etc. For me I have realized that smoking has been the last thing to just hang on to that allows me to still have those fears. And while in most of my life I've let them go--there is still that little bit that tells me..."you shouldn't stop smoking...it won't be worth it...you're just gonna be miserable...it's not gonna benefit you, etc, etc." I say FUCK YOU! I've never been able to before...but now I am. It's time to just let go and go full force. I received a free New York quit kit containing nicotine patches the other day. And damnit I'm going to do it. Today I will figure out the best strategy for quitting--rather than jumping in blind and being smacked in the face with everything at once. There's a balance of really just letting go and totally losing your shit because it's too much...and really working hard to figure out WHY you smoke...what the triggers are...and smoothly breaking those habits before making the full on plunge. Most people say to wait 2 weeks before quitting...to set a date...work towards that date and really start working out those habits before just quitting. I'm trying to figure out if that's the best way to go or not. I've attempted before and usually it has ended up with me actually just forgetting about the quit and continuing to smoke and not breaking the habits. HOWEVER if I choose that route I am determined to carry around a list with me of all the reasons why I'm quitting...and constantly review them...I know it sounds gay...but ya know what...it's an addiction. I'll force myself to stop smoking before getting on the train--deal with those feels and eliminate that habit so that my withdrawl won't be so painful.
So...if you read this...prepare to be on a journey with me. Perhaps making this public makes me more accountable for my actions. So we begin to clean lungs, a stronger voice, healthier skin and teeth, and no more fear!

XO
Justin

Pocket Symphony

I'm listening to AIR & I think I'm obsessed right now with them.  The music sends me to another place. Today I train with Doug my friend who has turned into my Hitler like personal trainer as well.  He always kicks my ass...so much that today my boyfriend told him to take it easy on me so that I wouldn't be whining for three days like I did the last time. Bite me--I'm a wimp! :)

So the photos will be coming out soon...can't wait...I'm doing some acting coaching right now with the best director in NYC...getting prepared for the spring to blossom some auditions.  Some things are in the works...keep your fingers crossed.  Each day I find myself itching more and more to be back on the stage.  I think a beak has done me good. I have to get some music together for my upcoming voice lesson...and I've got to brush off these dusty cords & get back in shape again. Some choral singing resumes on Sunday-which is good. It'll help me get my reading skills going again.  I've honestly just been trying my best to enjoy some time away...I worried the other day in thinking that perhaps I "peaked" too young.  Is that possible?  Not necessarily peak in the way that you are the best you will be...but peak in terms of doing so many things.  From the time I was 15 until 24 there would never be more than 2 months in between being on stage working on something, and often more than one thing would be on my plate.  I'm kind of ready for that again.  We'll see.  Everything rolls around as it does, eh? 

All right...enough...I saw Patti Lupone in Gypsy last week...it was just amazing and to die for....I love Bernadette--but I will admit Patti was born to play Mama Rose.  To die for...before that I saw a reading for a new musical...it was pretty good, though there is much needed work to be done yet...there were some big names there--and it was just interesting to watch. :-)

Life is a bit boring in my blog world right now...I'm so happy in my life that I really don't feel the need to explode on the blog anymore--and sometimes I feel maybe the happy, gushy stuff might make everyone vomit.  We'll see. 

XOXO

justin

Perfection

The train ride this morning---I put the ipod on

All Good Gifts is playing. 

Cheesy, I know...

but rather than skipping as I often do I decided to listen...

tears filled my eyes

the words so true! 

I feel so grateful for so many gifts in my life.

I spent the greater majority of my week with my three of my favorite people:

my two best friends in the entire world and my boyfriend. 

I played tour guide as best as I could and found myself wanting to just show them EVERYTHING!

They are always so generous and amazing when I visit them and so I wanted to return the favor.

It was just such an amazing few days. 

We went and saw Rent

which was an emotional experience in itself. 

I had listened to this music for years

I had seen it on Broadway years ago...

when I started college I would blast the recording through the dorm hallways.

We all used to have fun and just sing the songs before we had choral rehearsal or something

sitting there next to Justin during Seasons of Love...on Broadway...knowing it's going to close in a couple of months...my eyes filled with tears.

I feel in many ways that the show has become now a "period piece"...

however it's something our generation grew to love.

It was just amazing...

I'm finding myself comforted more and more knowing how close they are. 

We're really not that far away at all.  This is amazing to me. 

And it's so nice to hang out with a couple like that...

I mean come on...I can see our kids playing together...

little Ling Ling and Matthew

:-)

Ahhhh c'est la vie.

XO

justin

It's all coming back

Perspective is great. 

Last night I dreamed about my life as it was a year ago.

So different from now.

The button hadn't clicked until then-

Life has moved on-

the click happened

acceptance fully. It has taken a while.  

Finally it has arrived. 

All that was is behind me

all that IS is ahead of me---

wow. 

Ok.

Well Mr. Snow-

here I am. 

:)

--Justin

Uh oh

So today I have a physical...which includes blood work...which means I'm supposed to 8 hours before my appointment.  So I come into work and the first thing I do is look on my desk and see a jolly rancher...the first thing I do is open it up...put it in my mouth and start sucking away and then chewing when I finally have a light bulb moment!  DAMN!!!!! HAHA!  Hopefully it wont fuck things up too bad. I might have high sugar.

Justin

Now this pisses me off!

Now this really boils my blood hearing that Kevin Federline may be joining the cast of legally blonde!?!?!?!?!??!?  Wow business must really be slow.  Ode to the commercialism of theatre...what happened to the days where we still had legitimate theatre stars that had box office draw? The days when putting a random B or D list celeb in a show to sell tickets was non existent seem to be over.  People spend years and money training, performing, and auditioning to do this and some jack off gets in and gets paid a shit ton of money to be on broadway.  Wow...people sometimes in general really suck.  

Justin

Sigh

Francis Conroy is in my opinion one of the best actresses of our time.  She and Kathleen Turner need to do a film together.

Not feeling the long blogs lately...perhaps soon? 

Justin

Hmmmm

I'm listening to the Beatle's song PIGGIES...and I strangely feel like I should be smoking hash, tripping on LSD, and living in a commune in California. 

God those must have been the days. 

A boy can dream can't he?

--Justin

Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner

So sad about Patrick Swayze. :-(  I can't even count the numerous times I would masturbate to his picture or to him grinding up on Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing when I was young.  He was the idol of my wet dreams for years.  I mean no disrespect for this very talented man. I hope he's well...it's just very sad.

--Justin

Ugh

Kudos me

I just made myself pregnant.  

--That has been my week.

-Justin

A gloomy Wed?

For once I'm politically proud to be from Ohio.   Hillary won in my home state, which I was pleasantly surprised by!  This is amazing progress!  People are ready for change, at least I think.  Although we still have a split in our country supporting the efforts of top running Republican who want to continue this war in Iraq amongst many other things.  Isn't it time we realize it hasn't been working...and it's not gonna work? Now the real fun continues...

So here in New York I often find my internal thoughts somehow verbalizing themselves...either me forgetting that I'm actually speaking out loud-or something else happens.  My endless frustrations with the daily subway commute seems to never end these days.  Perhaps a few things need adjusting so that I can get over this.  But today of course was no different.  I hopped onto the Q and for the most part all was well until almost in Manhattan and the train is stopped for almost 15 minutes because of problems with another train.  Good lord.  So I'm thinking the entire time...wow how convenient is this...they just INCREASE the monthly fare by $5.00 and they still can't get their shit together.  And I'm starting to get pissed about this and wondering why they increased the damn fare.  I mean seriously if you think of all the people here who buy monthly passes...they are making a damn fortune just on the increase.  So I let it go.  I get off at Union Square to transfer...of course this is the part I'm dreading.  Alas the 4,5, and 6 continue to be more and more packed.  Now seriously why are there not more trains running....and tell me WHY is there not MTA employees working the damn line yelling at people who try to push their way on at the last minute and cause delays because the doors wont shut??  So I manage to squeeze onto a train just realizing that I'm going to have to rush to work once I'm off the train because I'm running late--which shouldn't have happened since I left early.  I'm standing in this crowded train when ALL of the sudden my thoughts of the morning came to life when I hear a high pitched angry female voice scream..."IS ANYONE ELSE WONDERING WHY WE ARE PAYING INCREASED FARE NOW??"  I was the first to just shout out YES YES YES!!!  Ohhhh boy....they got a lot of work to do!!

--Justin

Commutes and Ms. Turner

Oh today was one of those bitchy commute days. I leave and get on the Q (I stayed in Brooklyn last night with my bf) about 5 minutes early.  Now anyone who takes the train here knows that 5 minutes can make a huge difference...you'll either be really early, right on time, or fucked like always.  Well in my case it has meant that I'm too early--which is better than anything.  So I get a nice window seat where I can get the best view of the city and Ms. Liberty right before Canal St...this always makes me smile in the morning.  Well the train is running uber slow today for some reason of course--no big deal, right?  I look at my watch when we get to canal street and it's like 7:50.  I can't believe it we made it into Manhattan from Ave. M in like 20 minutes.  So I get off at Union Square (14th st) to transfer to the 4, 5, or 6 express which will take me right to Grand Central--getting me straight to my office within a block.  Usually the 4,5,or 6 are known for being crowded, but lately there haven't been too many problems.  So no sweat...I've got my ipod blasting with some Simon and Garfunkel and I'm set.  I go and wait by the platform...and wait....and wait...and wait...and meanwhile the crowd behind me is piling up--which ultimately means one thing---PUSHING!  SHIT!  So finally after waiting 10 minutes a 4 train comes.  It's completely packed. I'm secretly praying that everyone gets off, although I know this is chaotic in itself.  So the doors open and no one moves...then suddenly people are fighting to get off the train because the people staying who are by the doors refuse to get off.  Well in the meantime, though I am next to the door people have begun to crowd and just push their way onto the train. I'm starting to get pissy--but I look at my phone and still have plenty of time so I'm not gonna sweat it--I'll wait for the next train because surely it's right behind this one.  NOPE! 15 minutes later the train arrives.  I'm starting to sweat it because at this point it is 8:20 and I need to be in the office at 8:30.  So I step in...well the people behind me have the brilliant idea to push their way on...and I don't mean lightly push...I mean push like they are trying to move something extremely heavy.  Their pushing pushes me into this sweet looking woman who is ramming her face into the pole because of their pushing. I've had enough and I literally start losing my shit on the train...I turn around and start screaming at the people behind me...something I never really do but wish I would...but today it was manifested.  I must have been quite forceful because several people just looked at me like "wow he is really pissed!"  Jesus!  So anyways...what a way to start the day, right? 

Last week at the end of the week was the book signing with my fav. Kathleen Turner.  First she does a discussion and a Q&A with her co-author Gloria Feldt.  Greg and I had sat in the second row.  She was right in front of us.  It was an unbelievable evening of bliss for me.  I adore her and not just because of her work--but I truly believe she represents a kind of realness that most artists and especially celebrities don't.  She's extremely frank, kind, hard edged, and intelligent. She really took the time to look at everyone in the audience during the talk and she freely spoke her mind.  Her ideas about film and theatre were so wonderful.  When asked if she were offered a strong film role again if she would do it her reply was... "to be honest I don't get those kinds of scripts anymore...it's always grandmother scripts."  And I'll never forget how she said my name after signing my book and the look she gave me when she looked up. *sigh* Mostly I was stunned by her beauty that is still VERY apparent.  In recent interviews she just hasn't looked the best, and of course her wonderfully smoky voice seemed so deep on television.  In person one can really see that's it's Kathleen Turner-and almost the same 1980's Kathleen Turner.  When she flips her head to the side you can't help but see the same person who did Peggy Sue Got Married.  Her voice is extremely resonant-one has NO trouble hearing her...and the quality doesn't seem to be one of someone who has smoked 10 packs a day--but more so the result of aging and training (she said she has trained it to be lower...and proved she could speak higher in the forum discussion which was great).  Overall it was just an amazing evening spent with my favorite actress...and well Greg was a trooper putting up with his psycho boyfriend who is obsessed with Kathleen Turner. :)