Missing

Ran across a video of an entire tour of where I lived for a while in Italy. It made me miss the place...remember the culture...the food...the friends...the performances....God it seems like forever ago...there were many long walks & talks late night on these streets with Bernard. And many a drunken nights walking home from Cafe Centrale.
*sigh*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxvqmUsBB4c

Quote of the Day

Based on recent forecasts in the news...the following quote is very true....

"this is the end of air travel as we know it..." ---my friend Kim Thompson @ 3:34 P.M.  She's a genius. 

-Peace

Justin

Sand

Today after being grumpy for over 24 hours...

my boyfriend said that I had sand up my vagina. 

That made me laugh...

that combined with my amazing lunch workout made me feel better.

The world is well again. 

:)

Motivation

Today I'm still playing the tennis game...

only I see that it's slowing down

I'm losing momentum with caring to watch.

It's wrong..

I should...

this happens mid-week.

I WILL feel better.

The gym WILL pick me up!

Justin

Reevaluating....

Yeah things slip through the cracks sometimes with me-what can I say...I'm human.  I'm going to hold myself accountable this time-totally accountable.  I am going to for real quit smoking--I'm determined.  It's an awful habit...blah blah. There are so many reasons.  I start and then I don't follow through--I either try to do it all at once, which helps to set one up for failure...or I plan it out and stop following through after about a week.  So publicly outlining my plan of action perhaps will help me be help more accountable:

Quit Date (this is the actual beginning of full recovery and NO smoking): July 13th, 2008

PLAN of action:

June 25, 26, & 27th: 

**Start breaking habits again.  No cigarettes before getting on the train in the morning.  Can have one ONLY before getting into the office-once I've arrived.  But NONE before.  

**Write down a list of reasons why I'm quitting-and the benefits.  Pull this out every free moment and read it-reminding myself of why I'm doing this. 

**No cigarettes before the gym.

**No cigarettes before the ride home...only one when I get to the apartment.  

**Wait 30 minutes after eating before having cigarette.  

June 27th, 28th, 29th:

**Continue with the habit breakers used previously.  Since it's the weekend...wait to have first cigarette at least an hour after being awake.  

**Wait 40 minutes after eating before having a cigarette. 

**Drink water at the onset of having a craving and do some deep breathing exercises 

**Make note of every urge to smoke and remind myself why I want to quit

June 30th, July 1st-6th:

** No cigarettes before 11 every day.  

** Constantly review reasons why quitting and positive affirmations

**No smoking during the day except 11:00 & 4:00 breaks

**Completely eliminate cigarette intake when get off train going home.  

**No smoking until later in the early evening.  

**No smoking after 9 p.m.  

**Limit total intake to around 5-8 a day or less. 

**Really practice this week resisting cravings with deep breathing, drinking water, and distractions--also increasing amount of physical exercise.  

July 7th-12:

**Constantly remind self why quitting by reviewing list.

**Really continue to get deeper in resisting cravings and finding more distractions. 

**Constant reminder of the number of days it takes to break a habit.

**Positive thinking 

**No cigarettes during the day at work on breaks or anything. 

**Only between 1-5 a day allotted

Yeah...

Our country...

regardless of what you say is too divided.

I've heard way too much today about things Obama has said

he said

she said

they said....

I'm so sick of it. 

I was raised in a church life.  Every Sunday we went to church, every sunday evening, every Wed. evening...always the same.  The denomination was non-denominational/pentecostal.  My father was a member (still is) of the ministry.  All my life I was surrounded by scripture, long services, sermons that were touching, sermons that were hell bent, and prayers and meetings that would scare anyone who didn't know any better away.  I started questioning things when I turned 16.  Inevitably this was just not acceptable...how dare I question the existence of the ALMIGHTY--ALL-FEARING God.  But I did.  I had had it up to my neck with the same shit every week.  Hearing and knowing about all the corruption, bickering, and terrible things that go on within the walls of a ministry.  I have many stories that could frighten you away from church for forever.  When I left the nest I stopped going altogether...I would pick up on occasion when my guilt was strong enough. I realized a couple of years ago that what I do is a personal choice...what anyone does is a personal choice...and I also realized just how insane radical christianity can be and how harmful it can actually be if taught the wrong way.  I was taught hate in many ways....sure we can sugar coat it by saying "those people aren't children of God..." blah blah...but deep down it was always judging and being judgmental.  One should never drink alcohol, curse, smoke, have sex before marriage, be homosexual, or even think lustful thoughts--otherwise you're going to go to hell.  The teachings were basically a live your life this way, accept Jesus as your savior, be filled with the spirit, and you'll go to heaven and be happy and be with the Lord.  From my experience they seem to totally forget the positive messages that Jesus taught...they way he spoke....the peace he offered....it's gloom and doom to them.  And now in this day when I feel our country is so divided mainly because of people who teach this way and believe EVERYONE should believe the same way--I get frustrated and angry.Yes the Bible says to let your light shine before men---but it doesn't say...let your light be a flame to ignite judgment and fear!  I mean wasn't Jesus the perfect example of man?? THE PERFECT man!  

  After many years of growing up...talking with therapists...studying...and yes praying...I feel confident in my ever growing faith.  I believe in God, yes.  I'm not going to judge another person--what another person does is none of my business.  There are laws that are common that I feel are just common sense...don't kill anyone, be good natured...love one another...don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat...etc....etc.....What Obama said recently makes sense to me...if you haven't read it go read it....James Dodson's Focus On the Family is ridiculously fighting him on what he said....trying yet again to pull the extreme radical conservative votes.  It's ridiculous.  

Thanks for letting me rant. 

Revolving

This morning on the train I felt happier than I have in a while--

a sudden burst of wonderful energy hit me last evening-not sure exactly what it was. 

Exploring the inner child could be the cause, I hope so at least. 

It's a dark world today; the news is nothing but gloom and doom-always.

Today I feel I've begun to press through that--

having to remind myself to always evolve

always move

things change

life is fleeting--

enjoy it--

stop worrying about it--

just keep going.  

Here's to moving...

Justin

Lifetime movies

You know you've had a good weekend

when you watch two lifetime movies in a row. 

I know I have hit the ultimate point of "I can really relax" 

when I can sit and actually get sucked into two lifetime movies and not turn them off.

Thus was my weekend.

Amazing weekend.

Friday was spent upstate--

an amazing and wonderful evening with three of my favorite people in the world...

One of them prepared the most amazing dinner and hosted the best party.  

It was bliss...

the beauty of the mountains..

everything...

just being able to be mellow and chill--that was the best.

Saturday came back..

did nothing...which was heaven.

Slept in tons all weekend.

Finally am caught up.

Yesterday lifetime was our friend...

cooking...

working out...

sex...

sleeping...

it was heaven.

I'm so thankful for a wonderful weekend...

Today I'm just trying to hang onto that energy...

forever.

XO

Quote

I really liked this...

"Not all who wander are lost." -J.R.R. Tolkien

This looked interesting...

Perspective is good I suppose...so a friend sent me this and I've decided to post my responses:

10 years ago...

Was 1998 and I think I had been driving for a few months. I started a summer job, was going into my junior year in high school....loved the summer because it meant I was doing theatre EVERY damn night or rehearsing for something. This was the summer I did The Glass Menagerie---WAY too young, but God that was an amazing experience.

5 years ago...
2003....going into my senior year in college. Living with Jodie...we had our own place that we just moved into that was great on Scott Hamilton. Worked all summer, had fun, partied, and just was care free.

5 months ago...

I had just brought my stuff physically to NYC from Ohio after being here for 4 months....finished a show...and was having a good time...I met Greg.....nothing else matters.

5 things on my to-do list tomorrow...

1. Maybe go to the beach when we get back from Kims.
2. Relax
3. Help Greg with laundry
4. Do more of my workbook
5. relax more

5 things I would suddenly do if I were a billionaire...

1. Pay off all of my debt and help my parents retire and pay off a few close ones debts.
2. put a lot of it away and pretend it didn't exist
3. buy an apartment in the city and a house in the country and not have a mortgage!
4. shopping sprees at: Barnes and Noble, Target, Express, Gap, and Pottery Barn
5. pay for all friends to come to our kick ass wedding.

5 bad habits...

1. fear
2. procrastination
3. time management
4. nicotine
5. fear again.

5 places I've lived (at least for a month)...

1. New York, NY
2. Zanesville, OH
3. Bowling Green, OH
4. Urbania, Italy
5. Coesfeld, Germany



5 things people don't know about me...

1. I can be very moody.
2. I don't like junk food and sweets.
3. I LOVE to cook.
4. I have anxiety issues
5. I'm addicted to perezhilton.com

On a positive note...

I saw a quote today that I had seen frequently...and I remember always thinking that it couldn't possibly be true.  The quote was something like this:

"One day you will meet someone who will make you realize why none of the others worked out."

Well that one day has been happening officially for 5 months now!  All that cheesy stuff you're told--well it's true.  I'm in love--totally.  

*

Justin

This PISSES me off!

This morning...I find this online...this was actually being sold at a Republican convention.  Are there idiots who are really still this ignorant!???!?  I suppose so. It's very sad.  It's not simply the issues of race but also issues of other minorities and their acceptance.  Right now people are protesting the gay marriage in California--this I just find appalling!!  I find it crazy that because I love someone I don't have the same rights as others because they simply believe it to be immoral.  Moral or not...let us all be equal...you mind your business and I will mind my own.  

Grrrrr! 

A friendlier blog will be following shortly.

--Justin

When is enough enough?

I'm tired today-

simply exhausted.

Hopefully throughout this I will get the inspiration to put what I'm thankful for. 

I go to the doctor this afternoon.

I've been battling something off and on for a while now.  Primarily I keep having sever anxiety issues.  I'm not sure what's going on-but today I'm going to begin to find the cause of it.  

A sinus or middle ear infection could be to blame, which is my gut instinct. 

I sat at my desk last week in the middle of the week ready to crawl out of my skin because I couldn't focus on anything--

my mind kept wondering...

kept moving...

over..

and over-it wouldn't stop.  

"Am I having a panic attack?!?"

"OH GOD What if I have a panic attack at WORK!?? How embarrassing!!!!!"

The FEAR of this has been driving me nuts.

This my friends is why Justin Randolph doesn't smoke pot, do other drugs, or drink in excess--he CANNOT handle feeling like he has no control over his mind.  

Then I have to wonder if this is the current production of me attempting to "get out of the way of myself..."  I'm losing control...and in an effort to grip I have been freaking out. 

No.

Something is wrong.

Whether I have panic disorder, anxiety disorder, an ear infection, sinus infection, etc, etc I don't know.  

Finding the mo-jo is tough these days.

Today I go through my bank account...

doing better than I have ever done--

however the bills continue to pile up.

The fucking mutual funds continue to be an issue on a daily basis because of my past identity theft. 

One thing after another just seems to come up.

I want my mo-jo back...

but it's hard. 

Am I becoming jaded to real life?

Am I sick of crappy art? 

Did I peak?

Did I lose all confidence?

Was it all a waste?

What the fuck am I doing?

Why are we here?

Those are the questions constantly...

And in the meantime ALL I WANT IS THE FOLLOWING TWO THINGS:

1) A full day & night ALONE with my  boyfriend!

2) A day where I can SLEEP in late and do NOTHING...not leave the apartment ONCE! 

I remind myself daily that it's about love-it's about connection-living-and taking what you can out of life.

I've gotten so wrapped up in life that I haven't been living one.  

I'm in the best relationship of my life-I am stable and sound in many ways-yet why do I still feel "blah?" 

I feel like I've read too many self help books...

too many Eckhart Tolle days-

it exhausts me at a point.  There's a point where I don't feel like thinking about it. 

There are times I miss those days...

the days when it was all about the love of what you're doing...

I'm not in the moment.

This should change soon.

Negative blog? 

Yes.

I'm accepting my thoughts and feelings today.

Not trying to push them out.

Tomorrow should be a better day.

-Justin

Early Morning

Got in earlier this morning.  Haven't done this in a while:

Today I'm thankful for-

1. The feeling I get when I walk into my room after I'm done getting ready and I look at my love sleeping. 

2. Waking up in an air conditioned room.

3. Walking into an office that's air conditioned. 

4. Having time to grab Starbucks this morning.

5. Pay day tomorrow!!!!!

6. Having a job at a time when the economy is terrible. 

7. Knowing I'm seeing family this weekend. 

8. Getting my "mo-jo" back!

9. For becoming more of a morning person.

10. For upcoming things that are wonderful! 

11. For good friends.

12. For people who care about me.

13. For the most amazing boyfriend ever.  

14. For the weather starting to get cooler.

15. For only six months until Christmas. 

16. For only 3 months since I've been living in NYC for a year--I survived!!!

17. For my voice returning to me and being patient with me even when my mind wants to allow the children in the back seat to drive. 

18.  For good, amazing, wonderful, and beautiful sex all week!!! :)

XO

Justin

Ahr

Sunday in the Park With George-2nd time...even more amazing.  

She was as good as Bernadette-never thought I'd say that.

I'm exhausted.  

Love my parents-

exhausted from a busy week.

Felt grumpy most of the week. 

This morning ok.

Stepping into my A.C. room tonight

cuddling with my love all night--

it's a dream. 

I can't wait. 

I'm in love-

truly, madly, deeply--in love.

I'm not running from my fears anymore

they are a part of me

not controlling me

no longer pulling back

I have done this with everything in my life-

an example I saw

every day for 5 days. 

It scared me.

I could see myself doing that.

No more.

Full force of everything.

For now...

I will sit at the desk

and dream of this evening.

Justin

Yes.

These are just the beginning! :) Enjoy.

Subway Stuff

Get ready...
new video blog coming soon featuring me and my friend Doug. Daily/Weekly installments...
for pure entertainment/artistic/release sake.
Tomorrow the first one should be posted on youtube and then here. We're working on editing and getting a domain. Keep your eyes posted.

Justin