I love the Carpenters. I love their lyics, sound, and artistry. Days like today I could just sit in a room and listen to them over and over again.
Today for some reason I'm harboring seriously negative thoughts and feelings. I hate doing this, and I know I am the only one who can change it. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. and was wide awake. There is no explanation as to why, it just was. It took me an hour to go back to sleep. Perhaps I have more on my mind than I thought I did or ever realized. So many wonderful things are happening and yet I feel stuck in a lot of ways. The Tolle "ego" is really getting in my way. I'm going to start reading the Power of Now again. I know these things can't be my salvation, but some enlightenment would be fantastic right now. I'm amazed at how life comes and goes and how we can have everything yet still feel like we have nothing. Remembering what we do have is the key I suppose. I couldn't help today but think of my long walks in Urbania with Bernard. I am blessed with so many wonderful friends in my life, but his friendship I desperately miss and I look forward to reconnecting with him again soon. Perhaps fear is creeping back into my life more. I have a lot of singing coming up and I feel so unprepared. I haven't had a lesson in months. I don't feel like I need one every week-but I need a giant tune up. A lot of that is my fault for not consistently practicing. I still haven't given up smoking which infuriates me even more. I can't stop thinking about how strong this addiction has a hold on me. No one, unless they are a smoker, understands this. I wish I could just let it go...but thinking of impending situations and not being able to smoke makes me feel lost. I'm imagining these situations at their worst--at the times when I enjoy smoking the most. It's really quite ridiculous. I come up with plan after plan and fail to follow through because of fear. I'm waking up to myself hacking up junk in the middle of then night. Something I've never done before. What's worse is I worry with my family history of heart disease that I'm just slowly killing myself...and then my voice...I can't even imagine how much stronger things would be without smoking. I have to just stop and yet I don't. Like every addiction there's a fear...there's an extreme empty feeling you feel when even pondering your life without that specific drug. Reworking your entire life seems like such a hard thing. It seems like a task unachievable! I read the best book on stopping smoking...it really inspired me...and then I stopped half way through and then picked it up two weeks later only to finish it with more fear of just letting go.
I go to try and find it and of course it's packed away in a box. Go figure, right? I think I just have to get some deep inner strength going, suck it up, and follow through regardless. I'm moving in less than a week essentially. I'm not packed completely, and I feel like the plan in vague. I want nothing more than to just snap my fingers and have it all be completely done and behind me. Wouldn't that be lovely?
Anyways...I'm going to try and be as positive the rest of the day as possible. Right now I just want to crawl into a hole, sleep, and cry.
XO
Justin
