scents

I was reminded today of why scents are so good...
so good at separating that thick wall
the wall between the present and the past.
For just a moment we are taken back.
As I unpacked my boxes one by one
little treasures inside
my own little time capsules-
August is a long time to be without your things.
I open the smaller box
it says "fragile"
I carefully open it up
the scent of something takes me back
a myriad of memories flood me
a feeling comes over my body
I smile as I unwrap the scent burners
I rememeberd the last time washing them out
hoping the smell of that day would stay in them.
It did.
The scent of moonlight serenade
my favorite yankee scent.
I forgot where I was
then I remembered
the journey so far-
it has seemed short now
long then.
Bike rides, dinners pulled together on ten dollars, long talks, car rides, bottles of wine, ice cream, running in the woods, swimming pools, coffee & cigarettes...
it all comes back to me.
Two or three of you come to me
I miss you but have begun to move on...
one sticks out among the rest
always a soft spot in my heart
traces of green fuzz have followed me here because of you.
"It is good to see you again George..." what I wanted to say-what I felt.
"I almost didn't recognize you without your beard" so Dot says, perhaps she was right.
Warm arms around me all night-feeling you this close I felt safe for the first time in a long time.
I wake up and can no longer find the strength to go back to sleep
I want to stay here forever
I'm behind several hours-I don't care
this will end too soon...this moment where I can digress...going back a bit.
Few words spoken
many questions left unresolved and yet answered
a connection that never dies
comforting as always.
Sad to say good-bye--the finality of it all has hit.
Give me a show to keep me busy.
There is too much time.
Connections come and go-
realizing "this is your life" right now--
a trippy exerpience.
Back in NYC.
Resolutions? I suppose. Soon.
-Justin

oh yeah...

Is Christmas REALLy over?
I've had no net access for a week
it has in some ways been heaven.
The holidays were amazing...
Ending the show was very sad and emotional for a lot of reasons.
I was sad to have left so quickly but everyone was in my thoughts as I headed back to Ohio.
Austin and I had the funnest and most humorous trip back to Ohio.
I ran on literally like 2 hours of sleep. Got back to Ohio...ate a big breakfast and then showered and did what I've been wanting to do...put my pjs on and sit in front of the tv. Now that was amazing. But i'll write more of the happy, jolly stuff later....
for now...let me just say I probably have three hernias, pneumonia, and God only knows what else from my eventful move which officially ended about an hour ago when the headboard to my bed was brought in.
Just to give you an idea I spent all week relaxing at home, eating tons, etc...come two days before I am set to get my rental moving truck and head to BG to get my stuff I get some kind of nasty cold. It gets better, then worse, then better...blah blah. I say goodbye to the fam and set off to BG (I havent been there since August)...first of all not used to driving the huge ass truck with no rear view mirror...awkward! I go to BG and see all of my friends who I worked with for 5 years in SFA...it was surreal and crazy because the entire time I just felt like I had never left. It was great seeing them and I wish it could have been longer. Then off to Michael's to put everything in my truck which went very quickly and so we had time to get a drink with some friends and then just relax a bit and watch a movie...which was great. I intended on waking up at 4 a.m. this morning and heading to NYC. Didn't happen. I woke up at 8:30 and left at 9. I was overwhelmed as soon as I hit Cleveland (I'm sorry Jodie I didn't get to see you...I had no e-mail access over break and thought I'd hear from you...we'll talk soon)....anyways...I'm thinking..."am I really doing this all by myself?!? Damn this sucks and it's all radio the entire time...no cds, tapes, or even an 8-track player!!??! I digress...
I of course as I drive go through the emotions of relieving the break and thinking through my life which was great. I hit New Jersey way too late and after some truck return drama because of finding out I can't return it early unless I want to take it to Long Island just pushed me over. Where the FUCK am I going to park? I'm already dreading driving in NYC! So traffic of the GW bridge was nuts and I was at a stand still for over an hour. My GPS system in my phone worked great until my battery died as soon as I merged onto the Triboro bridge. This of course fucked with my entire world...my parents would be calling and would be worried as hell...how would I let Mandy know I was outside because I surely can't just leave the truck by itself in the middle of the street! I find the apartment (yes it's that different driving from walking)...park out front and lock it all up and turn the flashers on run up and frantically tell her that I HAVE to get the truck moved because it's in the middle...in the meantime my hot mess self who has been wearing a grey hoodie, a 1969 GAP hat, grey sweat pants, and my new little casual shoes...oh and glasses...MEETS my other roomate for the first time. HA! Great impression. She just moved in today...and thank God her dad was such an angel because he helped me load everything up. I owe that man BIG time! We get all my shit up the stairs...including the black leather couch that will NOT fit through the apartment door-but somehow we managed to get it in...I stand in my room just dazed as to what to do next. I have put my bed "together"...and while the apartment is in a messy array of boxes (mostly mine--how many scores and books can one seriously have?!?!?) I worry that my BUDGET rental moving 10' truck will get towed. Because after driving around 10 blocks for an hour I FOUND a parking space...or what appears to be a parking space on the street next to some other cars. I only pray this isn't a fluke--perhaps after my day it's not a wonder that I'm a tad bit "half emptyish". We'll see...somehow I can't seem to muster the strength to walk a block to make sure it's ok. What can I seriously do about it now anyways? Hopefully it will be fine there until Tuesday morning when I haul it to the Astoria BUDGET.
Lesson learned: Pay people to move your shit...with the cost of gas these days it's just about the same....otherwise just buy new stuff.
More will be soon...for now I'm going to shower and crash for a LONG time...Tomorrow more unpacking and hopefully a productive day of getting it all together.
Hope the holdays were well.
XO
Justin

Ohhh that sounds good.

I'm tired. I love my life and I'm so happy I'm where I'm at with it-but I need a vacation. The whirlwind of the past few months has finally hit me in the face the past two weeks. Within three months I have managed to move to NYC, have breakdown and go home for a while, come back, find the most amazing day job with a great company, get into an off-broadway show not even auditioning, see so much art, make new friends, get my own space in the city....I've managed to live out of one large suitcase and a briefcase carrying my lap top for 3 months...I've moved around the city while waiting for a new home....I've learned the train system...I can navigate without fear through city now...I've seen so many things...performed 8 performances a week for a few weeks on top of working a full time day job....I've learned more about myself than ever. Point is...this is great and I'm so thankful but it's time for a break. I need perspective and this is going to happen starting Saturday night after the show closes when I head back to Ohio for a week. I'm longing for Sunday when I am home to just sleep in bed and not wake up to an alarm, not have anything on my plate, to move into the tv room or the big screen room and just vedge in my flannel pjs and not move all day. I need this and I will be getting it. So much is wonderful and has come together...for now I've gotta just enjoy the next few days. When I come back I should be all settled into the new place with furniture.
I probably wont be writing for a while...so much love and happy holidays to everyone! Here's to a new year!
--Justin

2007

1) DRINKING BUDDY(S) OF THE YEAR?
All the college gang...especially Nicki.

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest
friend) -
Austin

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST
Quite a few to name.


3) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
Getting my masters & moving to NYC

4) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
The entire month of September (yikes...never wanna do that again)

5) BEST HOLIDAY?
Christmas!

6) YOUR SONG FOR 2007?
Debussy's Clair de lune...got me through some rough patches...especially in September.

7) MOVIE FOR 2007?
The Holiday

10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
I don't even remember valentines day. gosh!

11) BEST RELATIONSHIP
All of my friends.

12) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN?
I was nothing. I sat in and watched scary moviews with the girls.

13) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
Toms beats it always.

14) KISS OF THE YEAR?
hmmmm

15)LOVER OF THE YEAR?
as always my wonderful hand.

16) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
Staying in NYC.

17) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
To follow through with my resolutions...get back into the yoga studio and just live day by day.

18) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
To open the window of the cab and yell at the people in Times Square.

19) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
Six Feet Under because I watched the entire show from beginning to end in the spring.

20) MOST LOYAL FRIEND(s)?
There are a few.

21) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
Ummm everything has been change even before coming here.

22) BIGGEST douchbag AWARD?
Ohhhhh there are several of those awards one could hand out.

23) NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
To stop a few bad habits, be more positive, get back into Bikram Yoga every day, become more stable financially, and just live each day to the fullest.

Kindness

There are moments and days when I'm overwhelmed by a simple gesture that comes as a huge surprise. It can be the smallest thing that someone does or says. This morning was one of those moments that caught me off guard and in a very good way. Karma is good...well actually people are good...

Exhaustion

I don't know how people do it sometimes...
there are people who do 8 performanes a week for YEARS. I can't imagine.
I'm utterly exhausted right now after only two weeks of a three week run. This was the first weekend we did 4 shows in one weekend. Yesterday was by far the most difficult day to get through. Robert was right when he said it would test your endurance. I'm so thankful that I have this right now and that I've been able to do this show because it has done wonderful things for me in more ways than I can explain. However I'm exhausted and it's Monday...when most people just dread Monday because it's the start of a week and meaning the end of a restful weekend--I'm having a hard time finding the light at the end of the tunnel because Monday evening is my only real night off and I am finding myself exhausted....and worrying that I wont find the energy to continue through the rest of the weeks performances. I very much wanted to call in today to the office and take a mental health day-i probably should have because as the day continues I'm finding that not one cup of coffee is really waking me up and more so I'm dreading the cold weather outside for my lunch break. No matter how much sleep I'm getting I'm still feeling a bit out of it-spacy, and well just plain exhausted. No matter what happens once the show starts I'm reminded of why I love performing because even for a brief period of time we're all able to forgtet what's happening in our lives-how tired we are-or how under the weather we feel. Regardless of all of that I'm most looking forward to arriving back in Ohio...sleeping in....and having that day of being in my flannel pjs....curled up on the couch under a quilt with a cup of tea or hot chocolate...and watching tv and just vedging and not moving once. I think I've earned this day-who knows maybe I'll have two or three. So the plan is to head back to my apartment today after work and immediately get the domestic affairs of my life taken care of (laundry, groceries, organizing) and then take a massively long shower, dinner, and be in bed before 9:30 if possible because the rest of the week is work and show...and then Friday the office closes at 1:30--I'll head back to my apartment...get my stuff together for going home on Saturday...take a long nap and then do a show...and then Saturday sleep in...do two shows and say goodbye to everyone since that will be our closing and then head back to Ohio. I'll be in Ohio until the 29th ish....I'll be in Zanesville from the 23rd until the 28th and then in BG the 28-29th to get my things and then I will be uhauling my things back to NYC and then hopefully off to Massachusettes for the New Year with my boys.
Is it Friday yet?
Justin

Dreams

Saturday night I had the strangest dream....
I'm working on figuring out what it means-though I have some vague idea.
It starts off as one of those familiar dreams
you know the kind when while you're dreaming you actually recognize and feel like you've been there before-
you know what's going on because you've been there before-or at least you can sense that.
My dream begins with me and one of my dearest guy friends back in Ohio
he is driving and I'm the passenger...and all I can remember is that we are driving near large trees...and the only image I have is of him yelling "Oh SHIT!" as if we're about to hit something. And then as soon as I remember this I have another memory....we are both sitting in the same car slammed up against a tree and he says "we've been out like this for 16 hours." And then that's it....in the dream I keep playing through these things over and over again trying to figure out what has happened to him and then what has happened to me. I'm then surrounded by groups of people in a store that seems very familiar....I tell them what has happened and they tell me that I've died and that I'm now in my next life. I was extremely overwhelmed in my dream with pain and with saddness....primarily because I didn't know what happened to my friend and more so I was frustrated with the fact that I could never speak to those people I loved again--they had disappeared--my entire life as I knew it had disappeared and yet I was still standing there and was being forced to let go of it and start over. I continued to be frantic in the dream-just so unsure of what I wanted to do with my life and just feeling lost and being unable to deal with the reality that I had died and had no time to say goodbye or really think about it.
Freaky?

Karen

Ok...so tonight after the show...
Antonio and I are walking up to 42 and 8th and we decide to stop by the theatre where Young Frankenstein is playing with Megan Mullally and Andrea Martin.
I've been dying to stage door it to see Megan Mullally. So we do it...
She walks out and is GORGEOUS...
she comes to us and signs our programs...
and for shock value or whatever Antonio says the following to MEGAN MULLALLY...which I will NEVER forget....
"Just so you know we're gonna have the best sex ever tonight because of this..."
She replies..."Because of Young Frankenstein??"
He says..."no because of you..."
And she gives us an odd look and then smiles and keeps walking.
HA! A true memory one will NEVER forget!
HA!