Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?

Do you remember that Alanis Morisette song back in like 6th grade, "Ironic?"
The lyrics came to life for me the other night and I couldn't help but laugh out loud....
I was STARVING and walking up 57th and 7th by Carnegie Hall and considered stopping at my favorite diner there...
alas the diner only takes cash....I considered running to the ATM but though "ya know it's too late to eat...but I'm starving...oh maybe I can find something...maybe something will pop up...ehh no...I'll get cash." SO I get cash and sit down and enjoy something quick. As I approach Columbus Circle there are masses of people that goes all the way to Lincoln Center...I take off my headphones from my ipod and here music everywhere. Alas....all kinds of restaurants are LINED up and giving away free food...kind of a taste of all holiday thing. "It's like a free meal when you've already paid" or something like that that ran across my mind. Go figure, right? LOL
In the midst of chaos and craziness in my world...
as I walk the streets of the city I am stunned how at this time of year everything seems so beautiful!
It's actually putting me in the Christmas mood. All the lights, the trees, and the smells of the people selling trees on the side of the streets. Bryant Park had its tree lighting last night...tonight is Rockefellar Center and I SO wish I could see it--and actually do a real touristy thing. Alas...rehearsal for me. Lincoln center's tree is gorgeous...the lights that shine on City Opera and the Metropolitan Opera are stunning....it makes me smie. So I promise to post pictures when I get a chance. I find people to be unusually friendly this time of year...and my cab driver this mornin especially went out of his way to be nice.
Here's to only a few more weeks till Christmas!
Justin

Day 758349839050

Ok just as a general getting things out there...this is what has been such a stress:
We found an apartment over a month ago in the city. We went through a broker-one recommended to us by good friends. The apartment was perfect in every way in terms of space, cost, location, and all of that. We were up front in saying we needed something SOON as we were both staying with friends. We were shown a wonderful three bedroom apartment that was being renovated-meaning here in the city basically gutted from the floors to the walls and made into a brand new space. It's in a pretty pre-war building and we were told that the renovation would finish within three weeks but our official lease start would be December 1. Ok...a week goes by and no news. Another week goes by...no news once again. Finally we have to leave our friends who were gracious enough to house us for over a month so we're gettin nervous. Both of us find another place to live while in the meantime the broker continues to tell us different information ie; "the apartment will be ready by Friday..." then "oh it should be this Saturday..." and then "well they just have to finish the floors so it should be by Wednsday for sure...." and finally..."I was told I would be the first to know when it will be done." Period-end of sentence-blah! Now I understand that this isn't necessarily the brokers fault...the landlord's perhaps? Who knows. All I know is that we have had numerous unanswered phone calls when we have left messages saying..."HELLO WE NEED TO KNOW A DATE NOW FOR SURE..." all the while they are just thinking all is ok and as long as it's done by Dec. 1 we're good. When you are looking for a temporary home three days seems like a LONG fucking time!! Right? Right. So I go to Massachusettes on Wed. and get the news that the fucking apartment will not be available after Thanksgiving after all! Are you KIDDING ME?!? I've rented a studio on the upper west side for a few days...assuming that the last date they told us which would be tomorrow we would be moving in.....as of the writing of this I haven't heard ANYTHING...and there goes more money on this fucking little studio/hotel that I'm staying at. And on top of that major stress I'm dealing with just kind of jumping into a show here in NYC and dealing with the rehearsal schedule (which thank God for otherwise I may go nuts)....but memorizing that and learning everything.....continuing to love and get used to my new day job.....and learn the damn city because it seems like every week I'm located in a new part of the city......ALL while living out of one big suitcase and with my lap top. Sometimes I just want to stand out on the street and scream! hahaha
BUT regardless of all of that...................
I'm still smiling and doing the best I can considering the circumstances. This is giving me a thicker skin which is much needed! But oh did I ever consider hopping off the bus the other night when we stopped at the Holyoke Mall in Massachusettes ....I wanted to so bad...and call Justin and say "Well I'm staying for good...fuck everything else." HA! But I didn't.
Ok...so if I seem punchy or things are bit off lately--this would be why!!!!! I'm like a turtle who has no shell right now.
XO
Justin

Substitute for Love

Today rain & cold abound in the city.
I feel uber under the weather today.
If there are ever those days you feel like you're just getting by
hanging on to a small thread--
that is me today.
It's the stress of the past few months
finally catching up to my body
the apartment situation
so irritating.
It should be fixed mid week.

This break was amazing.
The most theraputic and much needed time.
Justin & Travis mean so much to me...
we can sit around and do nothing and be happy.
It has always been that way-
in the ever changing world where people change all too often
it's nice to know that my connection with these two never changes-but gets stronger.
I'm so happy they are accessibly close to me
of course I wish we were closer.
I'm envious of their lives in so many ways. They have each other, a beautiful home, and are working through life together.
In so many ways I feel all alone in this world.
That's ok-for now.
A change will abound in the future...
the thoughts on the bus last night of "living that way now...."
totally makes sense.
I love the city
I love performing...
my substitute for love?
not anymore.

-Justin

Thanksgiving

I sit here in a warm beautiful house in Massachusettes...
with two of my best friends who I adore
I'm reminded of why I'm thankful being around them.
We have done nothing-yet so much-it has been much needed.

The apartment is taking longer...once again another delay.
News tomorrow? I hope...
Hitting the computer hardcore tomorrow to figure something out.

Still thankful though.
XO
justin

Allora

Overall the weekend was exhausting....
I hardcore practiced on Saturday for over an hour in a great studio space
I'm trying to get things moving further again and I've been vocalizing parts of three arias.
I wont hit things too heavily until after the show
But my butt was totally kicked.
I grew a tad frustrated with myself at times
and then suddenly became comfortable and happy with the fact that it was time to stand in front of the mirror again and realign, relax the jaw--lay on the floor and simply breathe. I haven't done this for a little while-suddenly it felt comfortable to do this again-nurturing and healing. I kept telling myself to concentrate and relax. It was an ebb and flow. The Donizetti and Rossini felt the best which makes me believe even more that my voice needs to move every day as much as possible.
I had drinks late last week with some of the cast-I was delighted to hear some of their tales of opera-since some of them consider it to be what they do. I complained jokingly about how the baritone voice or at least mine is seeming to take forever to mature..."it will come when it's ready" was the phrase softly spoken to me by a very wise older English actor and singer. That certainly made me smile. I think to an extent we have to ready and open for things in a very spiritual way before they can actually happen to us. It's like the energy around us is not willing to give us what we want until we are completely ready. I will soon be ready-some times it takes long priority check for us to realize what it is we have to do to open up.
The show is going fairly well. LONG rehearsals make me tired though. I'm finding myself jumping between a couple of different worlds more easily than every before. You just have to roll with the punches. I'm worried about memorizing everything I have to memorize. Some things are sticking and some are not sticking. We will block a scene and we may never do it until our run throughs...which kills me. After this week we only like one full week left of rehearsals before jumping into tech and then we open. It's crazy-but if I can make it through this...I can make it through anything. I couldn't have asked for a better day job which I'm now officially a permanent part of which means salary and benefits (which is UBER amazing)...at a wonderful place called Lyon Heart. They are an extremely progressive adversiting and communications firm for major drug companies...it's great!
Tonight I make a move into midtown as the girls I'm staying with now have guests coming. My apartment was supposed to be done last week--of course the renovations are taking longer. We're told that Friday or Saturday it should be done. So a wonderful angel and new friend of mine is letting me crash at his place in Midtown for a few days while he dog sits before I head out of town for the holiday. I'm SO ready to get into the new apartment...Mandy and I are anxiously awaiting just being in our own space!! It will be amazing to finally hang my clothes on hangers and in a closet and not have to iron every day. Although it has been good practice!
For now that's all... :-)
-Justin

Moving forward

This week I heard something about you-
something that normally would have sent me crazy
sent me through the roof because I have no control
I smiled....and didn't feel that clutch in my body
the clutch that normally happens
telling my body that I should hurt.
Finally that day
in Chelsea
eating my cupcake
before rehearsal
I realized-
I'm fine...
the grief has passed.....
I'm relieved.
Nailing the coffin is the only thing that's left.

Life continues to move fast
change is in the air
sempre!
Music
art
listening
being silent and still
--my keys.

Norma

Last night I saw what to me was probably one of the BEST live operatic performances I have seen thus far in my life. I knew I loved Bellini for a reason. Being a Maria Callas buff I of course have listened to Norma many many times-however this experience was the first actually seeing it and hearing it live-and at the Met. to top that off. This was a first rate production in every way! We often hear people say..."I'm a dramatic voice...I'm a heavier voice...etc..."and often we really truly don't have any kind of model to go after...and from my experience we hear a larger voice that is pushed out to project in so many ways. Of course yes it may be a bigger voice and we can hear this...BUT...holy cow hearing these singers was eye opening to the world of larger voices. This to me was what it was...it sounded like they were amplified 100 times with microphones---in EVERY register of their voice. The voice just came right in your face and all around you. In comparison to the really good lyric singers I have heard at the met it's about the same-the only difference is natural "heft" in the sound is less than the dramatic...but still the voice cuts-just in a different way. I was amazed at the EASE that all of the singers sound with...the bass was just GOD! Granted he was probably in his 50's or 60's but the voice just brought tears to my eyes. The Norma was quite brilliant and her technique was flawless! This role is so demanding and she definitely showed no signs of being tired-actually she got better as the evening went on. The tenor was just dynamite and at first I couldn't believe he was a tenor because in so many ways he had a darker baritonal timbre to his voice. The voice just soared. And my favorite of the evening was Dolora Zajick who sang Adalgisa. This woman amazed me in every way...she could soar extremely high and loud over the orchestra and just as much as she would do that she would also bring the sound down to such a soft and quiet point that you were FORCED to listen. Her technique and dramatic energy were flawless. What more can I say? I would sell my first born to somehow be able to have seen Callas sing Norma because I could only imagine how she would have been--but there is magic in this opera--and in this production.
Tonight rehearsals start again...first full read through and sing through. Somehow soon I have to get onto a good gym schedule. It just seems imposisble with this show. I'm not worried about the cardiovascular stuff because I do it every day with as much walking as I'm doing...I just need to be lifting again.
That's all for now...
Justin

Sunday

Ohh my I can't believe tomorrow is Monday
the weekend went way too fast! Today was a long 5 hour music rehearsal and needless to say my voice is tired. This is forcing me to get back 100% in vocal shape, which I haven't been in for a while. After all of the holiday stuff I will get back with my teacher, get things realigned, and start forging ahead on the arias and roles I need to work on. It is nice to be in a show and have something in the evening...but I'm totally looking forward to coming home after work...going to the gym...practicing...studying and reading...and then going to bed. I know it sounds lame-but that sounds amazing right now.
My mom told me the other morning that she just bought some snow man flannel sheets for my bed at home...as a kind of nice incentive for coming home during Christmas-which of course I will anyways. At that moment I could just picture myself crawling into that warm bed...and knowing how much alike my mother and I are I appreciated the simplicity of that-she knew I would. Little things like that make me smile. My family will be coming to see the show...which will be nice. It will be weird because of the rush of the shows but good to see them. I had a long conversation with my best friend tonight which was much needed. He caught me right when I was doing laundry which was the perfect time for a distraction. We tend to jokingly wish things upon one another that we know the other person doesn't really want or says he doesn't want. Example...I tell him I hope he falls in love with someone who is just like me who can't make a simple decision about where to eat, what to buy, etc just to annoy the hell out of him. He tells me tonight that he hopes I meet someone and get married to them because he knows that right now my brain has been simply in "lets get settled and used to this mode." Again simple things like that make me smile...or coming home tonight and chatting with Mandy and hearing about her amazing date...or listening to Abba with the girls and laughing at how old we've become...or shopping in Macy's with Emily and singing Bette Midler's Otto Titsling. Ahhh the joys of life.
Totally random blog, I know.
XO
-justin