Sea Water

Tonight I can't help but think of you...
me watching you as you fall asleep
the soft comforter rests lightly on you
the large pillows underneath your head
your bedside lamp is still lit
mine is out.
I hesitate to reach over you to turn it off
not wanting to wake you.
"I'm in London tomorrow"
this was your last phrase.
You continue to drift peacefully
My mind roams through the house
four floors we have created
the sea is near
the dog is sleeping in front of the fridge
as always.
The breeze comes through the window
fall is here.
I still smell the sea
hearing the birds screaming.
I view the photo books of my mind
past lovers
out of touch friends
experiences
small apartments
penny pinching
searching
and dreaming.
I got out of the car tonight from the airport
you were in the kitchen
I stared at you
-perfection.
I pet the dog slowly...
I turn the corner into the office
no mail?
nothing seems to be happening in the world.
I walk into the room
a wall full of signed posters
memorabillia
books
scores
a grand piano.
photos in front of me.
I light some candles
pull out a lemon drop from the jar atop the piano
I effortlessly sing-
yes it's still there
three weeks worth of art
I'm tired.
You make a nice dinner
Unable to stop staring at you I laugh
my awkward laugh.
A long bath awaits
you join me
we make love all night
music of our choice this time.
now I sit here
my life?
yes.
This is ours
our experience
two souls
brought together through time.
I see it clearly:
the house, the car, the dog, the piano, the pictures, the yard
I can even smell the sea air.
Unable to see you now
I stop searching.
The dream continues to grow
a picture here a picture there
a piece of furniture one day
a dish the next.
Building from a new foundation.
I will remember this
when I sit on that bed
you asleep
I ponder
I will always remember
very clearly-
this moment.

Time heals everything

Time is really healing.
I stepped away quickly
from a life I'd known for almost 8 years.
Familiar places
familiar faces
past friends
current friends
past lovers
past heart aches
past successes
past failures
past triumphs...
they all quickly went away as I said goodbye.
Within hours I was swept into a new world
a world of emptiness.
I found myself standing
alone
weighed down.
shorty after that I left literally everything
for a place I thought could be my escape
my escape brought everything to me.
overwhelmed I choked
I turned my back
questions flew through my mind constantly
I was lucia going mad.
I wrote
I cried
I felt the pain of an ailing person close to me.
I talked a lot.
Miraculously La Boheme came my way-
a surprising evening away from it all.
I sat there
the excitement when the music started.
The voices were inspiring
suddenly I wasn't a student sitting in an opera lit. class
suddenly I wasn't sitting in a classroom doing dications
I wasn't a student standing in a studio picking my technique apart
I wasn't this crazed academic person trying so hard to prove something.
I was there.
It suddenly came flooding back
the passion
the art
the love
the music...all in one night it came to me.
This is what I love more than anything in the world.
This is my life
THIS feeds me even when I'm poor.
I HAVE to do this.
I CAN do this.
When did I forget all of this?
Where was this lost?
those answers only I will know...
I've practiced more in the past two weeks than I have in the past year
the voice truly working and growing
connecting to myself and my body even more.
for now the negative voices of the past are disappearing
the fears are surely leaving
the inner child is emerging
and I am finally awakening.
It's a long, painful, and exciting process
thrilling.
Growing hurts.
I suddenly let go of everything
the baggage was dropped.
Worrying about who I was leaving behind
worrying about the pain and if it would ever heal
worrying if relationships and friendships would change suddenly stopped.
Waiting for the phone to ring with that picture coming up-it stopped.
My art, my life, my nurturing...this must happen.
Seeing myself through the eyes of friends
friends who truly have my best interests at heart
friends who have checked on me continuosly
love never dies
connections will be forever
memories last a lifetime.
My period of mourning is over.
It's time to move on...
face the music and dance, eh?
A credit card commercial comes on
I start to feel sad
seeing a place I have always loved
why am I not a part of it.
That energy...
as intimidating and expensive as it is
it draws me in.
Gives me life
placing ourselves in a position to be open
this is important.
Now the fears and thoughts are stopped right away.
Nothing else makes sense...
no where else in the world makes complete sense to me
Ohio will always be home
other opportunities keep bringing me back.
Creativity and life take me there.
I will arrive back in the big NYC Monday afternoon
a new, changed, enlightened, and more creative person.
The future awaits...
I will serve art and in return be rewarded.
This is what I have to do.
For all your love I thank you
this is never a goodbye...
I am back
my muse is back
and I am finally happy again for the first time in a long time.

Interesting stuff

Things have gone for bad to worse in some ways. No worries--all will look up soon. This is the first moment I have had to myself in three days. I promise to be returning calls and making several in the next two days. So with that said here I now must vent...

In my quest for a fabulous "day job" I have written in the past two months about 500 cover letters. You really want this to be your shining point where you let the employer know that you really want the job and you wanna let them know that basically your resume is great but you can do more. So...whilst writing one the other day I grew frustrated for many reasons and this is actually the one I came up with...I think it would be super appropriate to send! Who knows, maybe honesty is the best policy.

To Whom It May Concern:
Thank you for taking the time to review my materials expressing interest in the position with your yoga studio. I believe my extensive administrative experience, education, interest in yoga, and personality will make me a wonderful asset to your studio.
For the past five years I have actively maintained employment as a financial advisor while pursuing my bachelor and master's degrees. I am actively seeking employment as I am trying to bridge the gap between my education and a performance career that right now seems to be non-existent. So instead I am sending you this cover letter to show you that because I have two degrees I can fucking do your shitty little job of running your studio--trust me I'm more than qualified. But why am I wasting my time...because you probably won't want to hire me because you'll feel that you have to pay me more (which you should) because I have my masters degree. I know it's frightening, isn't it? You might actually have to pay someone more than $11 an hour to do your shit work! The only reason I am applying for this position is because my pride will not allow me the luxury of working in fast food, retail, or some other dive because simply put I have spent thousands of dollars and have created a lot of debt for myself to be at this point. Please let me know what you think, I am available for interview immediately! Please?
Sincerely,
Justin Randolph

:)

BRITNEY?
Will someone PUH LEEZZZZZZZZE help her!?! And for God's sake...I'm sick of seeing it all over the news. Who has a press conference about this shit???? This kind of shit happens all the time to people...why are we so involved in her life!?! Regardless someone needs to slap a bitch!

Ok...more sometime soon. I will be in touch with ya'll soon.
Peace
Jay

Night Owl

it's 2 a.m.
I cant sleep...
haven't been able to get to bed before 3 a.m. in days.
it's like I wake up when midnight hits or something.
There's nothing on t.v.
I've just had a conversation with David in Australia...I miss him terribly.
Big decisions to make...
gotta move soon.
Many things answered last night...
tonight in my dinner with parents.
this craziness was necessary-
there was a reason for it all.
only the universe knows the actual reason
I can feel the energy behind it.
positve thinking
the laws of attraction.
im thinking many things right now
everything will open up
i need to be that magnet.
for now...
tomorrow is another day.

Bad day

in many ways...
today was an utterly shitty day after a point!
still no phone charger (that's why it goes into voice mail kids and there's no text response) hopefully tomorrow...
get car sick
see a hillarious movie
come home and am pissy...
everything just going wacko--
$130 in parking tickets from BG? are you kidding me?!? I haven't been there!
deadlines...
deadlines...
Bills...
career? what's that...
just one of those days.
Nothing but free radicals running through my body right now...
Oh bother.
Perhaps tomrrow will shine a different light.

Lessons Learned

From "dumping" a bunch of baggage the necessity to share things I have learned in recent days is overwhelming...so here goes:

1. Communication is key-never be afraid of communicating with those you most love and adore holding stuff in will hurt you.

2. One cannot make a big move hanging on to tons of baggage.

3. "I chose and my world was shaken...so what?! The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not..."--this has been an anchor.

4. Always be honest and true to yourself, your art, and your talent. Anything else is a waste of your resources and energy--losing yourself is not good.

5. NYC is most amazing on a cool night for long walks.

6. Loving someone involves letting them go--and I mean completely letting them go.

7. It's hard saying goodbye...putting one foot in front of the other and moving on are key.

8. Change is bound to happen-you truly can't postpone or pray that this doesn't happen.

9. A backbone is good to have!

10. Most people will fall back on old habits, old ways of thinking, etc...that's ok--you don't have to do that and PLEASE don't worry because they will be just fine.

11. Making out for long intervals in an NYC Irish bar in the bathroom can be serious fun!

12. People protecting your no-no place from others are amazing!

13. Drama is no fun.

14. Family is the best.

15. It really IS possible for two gay men to be in a long term committed relationship AND get married AND buy a house AND be normal!

16. Massachusettes is gorgeous!

17. Leaving your phone charger places is not good.

18. GPS systems rock my world!

19. Sleeping is my friend!

20. Time heals everything!

Points

These eleven points were in an online article I read by David Jones (who I enjoy sometimes...). These are outlining from his teaching observations over the years some of the attributes actual working singers had. These made a lot of sense and I am embarrassed to say that most of them I rarely do. What a wake up call. I'm not for formulas and I believe every experience has to be different...but these are pretty darn standard for most of us.
The full article can be found at:

1.Passion for singing which inspires vocal work on an every day basis; even without a contract. This creates consistency.

2.Curiosity for the research of the recordings of great singers of the past.

3.Ability to achieve emotional calm (focus) in order to concentrate.

4.Healthy physical exercise routine and realization that the voice and the body are one.

5.Study of appropriate future roles; even without a contract. Moving forward constantly in the learning process.

6.Meditation; some form of relaxation technique.

7.Body work; massage, Alexander technique, shiatsu, yoga, or another body discipline. The singer becomes body aware.

8.Appropriate amount of rest; recommended sleep; 8 hours for men, 8 1/2 hours for women.

9.Desire to help other singers in their quest: this helps a singer to avoid becoming overly self-focused.

10.Balance between working time and relaxation time.

11.Find a charity to consistently help others. This avoids too much self- focus.

My friend...

After a long day I come home
I come home to vocalize
getting the voice moving forward
relief
it's still there
more is there
so much to uncover.
Take out my digital recorder.
I use it for audio feeback for myself.
Decide again to rewind to previous recordings.
I hear a familiar voice
singing Beau Soir
Maybe This Time from Cabaret
& Stars and Moon.
I cant help but sit with tears
the beauty
the honesty of this rehearsal
the honesty of the sound.
There's something major in there
dont give up your dreams my forever best friend!
U r an example of stepping away
reprioritizing
realizing
this isn't the MOST important
that made everything so much better.
If only we could open our own cabaret
perhaps someday.
you belong in the studio
on the stage
somewhere this voice truly belongs.
Strangely you have become my example right now.
Thanks to you
gratitude more than you will know!