Early Morning

Got in earlier this morning.  Haven't done this in a while:

Today I'm thankful for-

1. The feeling I get when I walk into my room after I'm done getting ready and I look at my love sleeping. 

2. Waking up in an air conditioned room.

3. Walking into an office that's air conditioned. 

4. Having time to grab Starbucks this morning.

5. Pay day tomorrow!!!!!

6. Having a job at a time when the economy is terrible. 

7. Knowing I'm seeing family this weekend. 

8. Getting my "mo-jo" back!

9. For becoming more of a morning person.

10. For upcoming things that are wonderful! 

11. For good friends.

12. For people who care about me.

13. For the most amazing boyfriend ever.  

14. For the weather starting to get cooler.

15. For only six months until Christmas. 

16. For only 3 months since I've been living in NYC for a year--I survived!!!

17. For my voice returning to me and being patient with me even when my mind wants to allow the children in the back seat to drive. 

18.  For good, amazing, wonderful, and beautiful sex all week!!! :)

XO

Justin

Ahr

Sunday in the Park With George-2nd time...even more amazing.  

She was as good as Bernadette-never thought I'd say that.

I'm exhausted.  

Love my parents-

exhausted from a busy week.

Felt grumpy most of the week. 

This morning ok.

Stepping into my A.C. room tonight

cuddling with my love all night--

it's a dream. 

I can't wait. 

I'm in love-

truly, madly, deeply--in love.

I'm not running from my fears anymore

they are a part of me

not controlling me

no longer pulling back

I have done this with everything in my life-

an example I saw

every day for 5 days. 

It scared me.

I could see myself doing that.

No more.

Full force of everything.

For now...

I will sit at the desk

and dream of this evening.

Justin

Yes.

These are just the beginning! :) Enjoy.

Subway Stuff

Get ready...
new video blog coming soon featuring me and my friend Doug. Daily/Weekly installments...
for pure entertainment/artistic/release sake.
Tomorrow the first one should be posted on youtube and then here. We're working on editing and getting a domain. Keep your eyes posted.

Justin

Alarm clock

This morning my alarm went off

I must have changed it about 10 times. It was so hard to get up after sleeping in this weekend and having such a wonderful weekend.  Today I am SO thankful for:

1. An amazing weekend spent with two of my best friends and the love of my life.  

2. Perfect weather this weekend.

3. Amazing food all weekend.  

4.  Amazing conversations.

5. Many perfect moments with Greg this weekend. 

6. Clarity.

7. Being present.

8. Getting sleep.

9. Having many realizations.

10. Being supported.

11. Having money in my account.

12. Getting tan.

13. Making it to work on time.

14. Adjusting to being back in the city rather quickly.

15. The man who hands out the free paper outside of Grand Central every day saying Good Morning to everyone.  

16. Drunk messages from Jodie. 

17. Feeling good today.

18. Having "steady income"

19. Not paying anything for coffee this morning. 

20. Being happy.

Justin

Sigh

So I have much to be thankful for.  I'm happy today is Friday--the beginning of a long weekend.  I'm so happy about that.  I'm thankful for Grey's Anatomy being the most kick ass episode in the world last night. Holy cow!!!!  Seriously faboo!

Anyways...

For some reason during the latter part of this week I've been experiencing what appear to be mini panic attacks.  I haven't spoken about this to anyone all week and I feel blogging about it can only help me to get those thoughts out there.  They've been coming at odd times.  This morning on the train I was fine and then half way through the ride I felt my heart beating fast.  I feel they are more serious and heavy anxiety than anything.  I'm not totally sure why.  On Wed. I went to the chiropractor.  When I laid on the table to get my back worked on by the electronic things I was left alone in the room and suddenly felt anxious and had the hardest time letting go and not being panicky.  This bled into me being at work and sitting at the desk doing research on anxiety and panic disorder--so at that point I read myself into having almost a full blown attack.  I had to shut off the screen, turn on music, and go to the bathroom.  I realized that my coffee consumption this week has been higher than normal.  I had cut WAY back and suddenly without reason I picked back a lot of my consumption.  I realized that that morning I had a Venti (large) half decaf and half regular from starbucks, and then two full regular small cups of coffee...and then proceeded without thinking to have a Venti (large) non-fat iced chai which has almost more caffeine than 4 cups of coffee.  Ok so the problem was that.  Now it's all in my head again....worrying that I'll just lose my shit...when in reality I know that's not going to happen at all.  I know I'm fine but I'm just experiencing some kind of weird reaction to my body and the changes its going through.  I honestly cannot ingest too much of anything be it food or drink because I think it mucks my mind up.  I know my limitations so I need to stick with them.  

In doing a lot of this soul searching and internal work lately I've read and heard that many people experience this type of thing while they let go of the control they feel they have on their lives.  I truly believe this is me.  I need to continue to tell myself that what I'm doing is right and that I'm fine and to keep letting go more and more.  

Also seeing a shrink will help....:)

Have a great weekend to anyone who reads this. 

XO

Justin

Awakening

I recently finished Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth."  At first it took me a while to get into it, my mind was cluttered with too much information.  I read "The Power of Now" which he had written a while back, and found the information incredibly enlightening and powerful.  I do recommend "A New Earth" to anyone seeking some new ideas, enlightenment, or an "ah-ha!" moment.  I certainly had quite a few of those moments in the reading.  I didn't find the book to be dogmatic in any way, and because of my past I have to be careful of that.  At any case I've found all of this to be wonderful reiteration of the reality of what I've known for some time. 

About 5 years ago I was about to finish undergrad and I was home during Christmas break.  My mother was out of town for the holiday and I had the house to myself for over a week.  I would drive to my dad and step mom's or sister's house but otherwise I relished in the quiet alone time. During this period of time I was terribly unhappy.  I was doing a lot of painful writing, soul searching, and agonizing over my future.  I had no idea what to do, where to go, or where I wanted to go.  I had just purchased my first lap top and decided this would be a good time to start journaling.  One particular evening I found myself depressed, bored, and lonely.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  I was waiting for this happiness that I just wasn't feeling.  I kept trying to fill the voids by getting into a relationship, getting in a good grad school, being the best performer I could be, making myself busy, etc.  This particular evening it hit a head. I began to write. My thoughts poured from deep within me.  I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stop smoking, couldn't consistently feel good about my work, why I was having vocal problems, why I was over weight, etc.  Finally I had an "ah ha!" moment while writing.  Even then in the mess I was I realized that the problem was that I wasn't living directly in the moment.  I was thinking ahead or in the past.  I kept thinking..."if I can get into X school or X place I will have a career and then I will be happy and will be set....if I am in a relationship I will be fulfilled and I will stop feeling like I'm all over the place...if only I could focus more while practicing I would sound like X Person or Y person..." I suddenly had the realization that there were too many future variables and ifs within everything I was thinking.  I was living for that instead of now, and because of that my now was miserable and I wasn't getting anything done anyways.  I was making myself miserable because I was projecting into the future too much.  I realized this five years ago....and yet throughout the past three years have still struggled with it.  Why?  Because it is one of the hardest things to overcome--the ego.  The ego has an extreme need to feel miserable, to make you project into the future, etc.  Reading this book was just a final realization that this will be the only thing to work for me.  I HAVE to live in the moment, awaken, and realize that now is all we have.  I've been working very hard at this off and on now for a week.  I've finally committed to do this fully.  It's not easy at first but I truly believe the present has power unseen.  I think back (which I shouldn't do) at the times so far in my life when I've suffered with my own mind...not feeling good enough...being in bad relationships...being frustrated....making extreme plans for the future....etc.  I can only look back in amazement that I really didn't know anything.  Now is the time move on and focus on what now has to offer.  I'm challenged by this every day as I step onto a crowded train, am running into the office, am working with changing vocal fachs, am struggling with nicotine addiction, enjoy the benefits of a healthy and loving relationship....I'm challenged....and yet in the present this is what it is.  It's here. Enjoy it. I'm going to. From now on.  

Justin

Refresh

Somedays we just need a reminder.  I'm posting this from a blog several months ago....still very true. I need to be reminded:

"The only constant is change" is my new stolen motto.  Change is constant, change is good, and I will relish in the moments of change because life is always moving.  Being an honest, sharing, open, kind, and genuinely grounded person is at the forefront of my mind.  I'm an artist-this will never change.  Material that means something to me is what I choose to do.  Having an open mind about all genres of art is a daily affirmation.  Living and loving my art and those around me is essential.  Letting go of the past, past voices, past fears, past control, past loves, and everything else that is in the way of constant motion is something to be done daily.  Mediocrity has no place in my life anymore whether from friends, colleagues, or myself-it's just unacceptable-period. Connection and being constantly present and awakening daily are essential to my daily diet.  Running from connecting with people or following through with connections is not a trait to be tolerated. This is my constant change. "

Justin