Maintenance

So I have been following through to one of my previous blog posts on quitting smoking.  

I decided to break the habits before lunging totally.  It has been what I thought: the hardest. 

Last night was the first major break through.  My hardest time is always before I have a long train ride because I usually like to smoke then. Last night I didn't...I bought a HUGE sucker with gum in the middle ohhh it was fun.  I didn't have as many problems. 

Anyways...ok

too much champagne at work...

cannot blog anymore. 

Love

Justin

Exactly!

Go to John Mayer's web site and read his latest blog posting...

it made complete sense to me & gave me a good bump in the day. 

www.johnmayer.com

-Justin

My morning pages?

Seriously...is the R train being driven by the student drivers? 

I swear the past couple of days it has been driven by my grandmother.

Today I left an extra 10 minutes early so that I would get to work on time & perhaps have a few extra minutes to grab coffee and a sandwhich at starbucks.  After about 10 hours on the R I finally get to the 6...I start to get on and am suddenly pushed.  Ok so today I've had it already...I take my bag and I swing it around and I look at this older man who has shoved me--I can barely contain my rage and the words suddenly fly out of my mouth--"DO NOT FUCKING PUSH ME--I"M TRYING TO MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE TRAIN WHICH IS WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO AND YOU'RE PUSHING ME JUST SO YOU CAN STAY BY THE FUCKING DOOR!!"  He stared at me almost in shock that I said something--the section of the car got quiet and at this point my face I know must have been completely red.  This constant pushing annoys the piss out of me to no end.  Why other people disregard other human beings is beyond me.  As if other people aren't in the same hurry to get somewhere, as if other people don't want to get on the train as well.  It's very irritating and I mind it VERY fucking much.  This disregard for other human beings always becomes apparent on the train.  I have lately found myself not caring about other people as well...pushing more...and not giving a fuck about possibly bumping into someone.  Maybe this is what pisses me off more--because I refuse to be like that and yet I have become that in some strange way.  Who knows.  So there's my vent with that....

I'm very frustrated today artistically as well...I've got to get back up and going with my morning pages again.  All of these lovely doubts and bullshit keep coming into my head.  This seems more like the stuff that should be coming out onto those pages.  I feel stuck right now--not sure where to go even though I feel the best thing to do is wait.  But I feel that I just want to explode with what I want to do.  Today is the birthday of someone who I have been extremely close to for many years...to say we're best friends anymore is kind of a hard thing for me to do.  Like a few other people in my life I have barely spoken to her since moving to New York.  I know that things change and people change-but I can't help but feel a little bitter when keeping in touch is one sided.  Who knows...my pissy mind frame could be causing me much irritation this morning.  I need the sun...I need the water...I need something.  Perhaps I will take Kim up on her artistic getaway and us bonding time in New Paltz.  

I'm sure the mood will get better. 

XO

justin

Today

Today is one of those days...

for some reason I sat on the train this morning on the way to work and felt an overwhelming sadness.  Not sure why, but I did.  Sometimes life just seems stale-even in the fast city.  There are days when I just want to stay in bed, watch tv, be unmotivated, and do nothing.  Today was one of those days.  It's still gloomy and cold here, and perhaps that's the problem.  I also feel that there's really nothing I have to "work on" right now...I'm kind of just empty. 

My goal today is to try and get better...

be more positive...

J-

all I need is the air that I breathe...

I'm sittting here debating whether or not to post what I'm about to post. I suppose I will, perhaps it's better to just be open and honest. I honestly only know of about 3 other people who read this-so I suppose perhaps it will be enlightening to them--or someone else as well. I'm exhausted...I'm fucking beat down and tired of a habit I have been trying to break for years. Smoking never came naturally to me. I always hated it when my grandfather would smoke, and later when my father briefly smoked I hated it. I was in a play where the character smoked. I was 16. I had touched a cigarette only once in my life on a family vacation. My cousins and I thought it would be cool to steal a cigarette from our grandfather's pack-so we did. We had no idea what we were doing. Anyways...when I was handed a pack of cigarettes for this play I could barely open the pack correctly, and I most certainly had to be taught how to light a cigarette. I didn't see what was so great about cigarettes, in fact I never realized that you actually INHALE the damn things until I accidentally did it one night during a rehearsal. My head got light, I felt high and it was the most interesting feeling to me. After that on stage I found it cut a bit of the edge off, but I never did it outside of the theatre. Alas another play required my smoking genius-this time I was 17 going on 18. At this point I would on occasion enjoy a cigarette with some friends during the weekend-usually I would end up nauscious. Alas another play came along and I started smoking again...this time enjoying it more and more. I finally was able to get an older friend to buy me a pack of smokes. My FIRST pack ever...Marlboro lights...GROSS. These would just last usually 3 or 4 weeks-maybe more. Long story short...the smoking addiction bit me. I was never a heavy smoker really-however I was bit and Benson and Hedges Menthol 100's were my cigarette of choice--and still are to this day. I closet smoked most of my undergrad. career--fearing the wrath of teachers and colleagues who would think it was terrible (well not the ones I knew who smoked). I would quit off and on when I could-but very rarely could and wouldn't follow through. It honestly became an amazing release. Something I could just totally have for myself that no one could really take away. It was something I could do while driving on long trips. It was the reward after a long night of performing, or a long day working. Grad school I actually made a successful full on quit after my tonsillectomy for about 2 months--unfortunately that didn't last long. So the smoking continued...and continued...and has still continued. I haven't full out tried quitting since coming to New York, simply because up until two months ago I was still considering my life as a HUGE adjustment--and my only "salvation" for a while was to step outside and smoke. Well I had a light bulb moment yesterday...I'M DONE! I've had enough! BASTA! I honestly have to say I haven't had this strong of an urge to quit-EVER. I realized that several of my dreams have already come true: 1) I moved to the place I've ALWAYS wanted to be...and I'm surviving and doing well (2) I wasn't here a month and started performing...this is a huge deal (3) I am with someone who I plan on being with hopefully for the rest of my life--the perfect man in every way for me-what I have always wanted. I have SO much going for me. Yes there are many things in limbo, yes I'm a "young" adult starting out in life...but I have had the strength to make it this far-Goddamnit I'm not going to let this addiction get to me anymore.
I truly believe a lot of us have big dreams...we have hopes...desires. The biggest thing that holds us back is fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of love, rejection, etc. For me I have realized that smoking has been the last thing to just hang on to that allows me to still have those fears. And while in most of my life I've let them go--there is still that little bit that tells me..."you shouldn't stop smoking...it won't be worth it...you're just gonna be miserable...it's not gonna benefit you, etc, etc." I say FUCK YOU! I've never been able to before...but now I am. It's time to just let go and go full force. I received a free New York quit kit containing nicotine patches the other day. And damnit I'm going to do it. Today I will figure out the best strategy for quitting--rather than jumping in blind and being smacked in the face with everything at once. There's a balance of really just letting go and totally losing your shit because it's too much...and really working hard to figure out WHY you smoke...what the triggers are...and smoothly breaking those habits before making the full on plunge. Most people say to wait 2 weeks before quitting...to set a date...work towards that date and really start working out those habits before just quitting. I'm trying to figure out if that's the best way to go or not. I've attempted before and usually it has ended up with me actually just forgetting about the quit and continuing to smoke and not breaking the habits. HOWEVER if I choose that route I am determined to carry around a list with me of all the reasons why I'm quitting...and constantly review them...I know it sounds gay...but ya know what...it's an addiction. I'll force myself to stop smoking before getting on the train--deal with those feels and eliminate that habit so that my withdrawl won't be so painful.
So...if you read this...prepare to be on a journey with me. Perhaps making this public makes me more accountable for my actions. So we begin to clean lungs, a stronger voice, healthier skin and teeth, and no more fear!

XO
Justin

Pocket Symphony

I'm listening to AIR & I think I'm obsessed right now with them.  The music sends me to another place. Today I train with Doug my friend who has turned into my Hitler like personal trainer as well.  He always kicks my ass...so much that today my boyfriend told him to take it easy on me so that I wouldn't be whining for three days like I did the last time. Bite me--I'm a wimp! :)

So the photos will be coming out soon...can't wait...I'm doing some acting coaching right now with the best director in NYC...getting prepared for the spring to blossom some auditions.  Some things are in the works...keep your fingers crossed.  Each day I find myself itching more and more to be back on the stage.  I think a beak has done me good. I have to get some music together for my upcoming voice lesson...and I've got to brush off these dusty cords & get back in shape again. Some choral singing resumes on Sunday-which is good. It'll help me get my reading skills going again.  I've honestly just been trying my best to enjoy some time away...I worried the other day in thinking that perhaps I "peaked" too young.  Is that possible?  Not necessarily peak in the way that you are the best you will be...but peak in terms of doing so many things.  From the time I was 15 until 24 there would never be more than 2 months in between being on stage working on something, and often more than one thing would be on my plate.  I'm kind of ready for that again.  We'll see.  Everything rolls around as it does, eh? 

All right...enough...I saw Patti Lupone in Gypsy last week...it was just amazing and to die for....I love Bernadette--but I will admit Patti was born to play Mama Rose.  To die for...before that I saw a reading for a new musical...it was pretty good, though there is much needed work to be done yet...there were some big names there--and it was just interesting to watch. :-)

Life is a bit boring in my blog world right now...I'm so happy in my life that I really don't feel the need to explode on the blog anymore--and sometimes I feel maybe the happy, gushy stuff might make everyone vomit.  We'll see. 

XOXO

justin

Perfection

The train ride this morning---I put the ipod on

All Good Gifts is playing. 

Cheesy, I know...

but rather than skipping as I often do I decided to listen...

tears filled my eyes

the words so true! 

I feel so grateful for so many gifts in my life.

I spent the greater majority of my week with my three of my favorite people:

my two best friends in the entire world and my boyfriend. 

I played tour guide as best as I could and found myself wanting to just show them EVERYTHING!

They are always so generous and amazing when I visit them and so I wanted to return the favor.

It was just such an amazing few days. 

We went and saw Rent

which was an emotional experience in itself. 

I had listened to this music for years

I had seen it on Broadway years ago...

when I started college I would blast the recording through the dorm hallways.

We all used to have fun and just sing the songs before we had choral rehearsal or something

sitting there next to Justin during Seasons of Love...on Broadway...knowing it's going to close in a couple of months...my eyes filled with tears.

I feel in many ways that the show has become now a "period piece"...

however it's something our generation grew to love.

It was just amazing...

I'm finding myself comforted more and more knowing how close they are. 

We're really not that far away at all.  This is amazing to me. 

And it's so nice to hang out with a couple like that...

I mean come on...I can see our kids playing together...

little Ling Ling and Matthew

:-)

Ahhhh c'est la vie.

XO

justin

It's all coming back

Perspective is great. 

Last night I dreamed about my life as it was a year ago.

So different from now.

The button hadn't clicked until then-

Life has moved on-

the click happened

acceptance fully. It has taken a while.  

Finally it has arrived. 

All that was is behind me

all that IS is ahead of me---

wow. 

Ok.

Well Mr. Snow-

here I am. 

:)

--Justin