Unsure of my emotions with everything right now
I run away and hide in so many ways
realizing the issues that alas I have.
Finding reasons to push you away
I move further and further back
this isn't real
it's not going to work
and I feel it's too much-
thoughts in my mind.
Have I created this?
I think so.
I get to the core of it
and I tell myself to stop thinking
to just go with
but settling is what it feels like
could I be waiting for the impossible-
that which does not exist?
Do I foresee the end already
and have no reason to want to deal with it.
I'm unsure in so many ways
I'm closing up
as always.
I don't know what I see
or who I see as I sit across that room
at that dinner party
and I smile.
A fragment of myself
I'm still not letting go of.
wanting a non existent you to walk in
it's what I've wanted
yet when it happens
it feels too soon-always
as if I need to continually hold out longer.
I cant wait forever.
The mystery is intriguing
the work is not.
He stares me in the eyes
I stare back and this quick glance makes me feel good again
is it just sex and mystery
and beyond that it's awkward
difficult
hard to deal with.
Unsure-
I'm a creature of myself
the pleasure of my own company
crazy-yet true.
I cant run as fast as you any more
I've done that.
I also don't want to lead
funny because I don't want to be led too much-
I'm a contradiction
hang on
the ride could be bumpy.
-Justin
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
A deep one
I read an article yesterday-
it reminded me how important my instrument is to me-
it made me think of you
everything it said made sense
negating everything you have said in the past
everything warped in my head
is it me?
I used to ask often
even as I read.
Perhaps it's my thinking that's wrong
perhaps I rely on the instruction too much.
no.
probably a combination of both.
I found myself angered as I read
more at myself than you.
at myself for not listening to the inner voice for so long.
That voice saying this probably is too much.
Now many months later
here I am
reworking everything
picking up the pieces
attempting to nurture the colors
preserve what is there
and find what is me.
This is what you wanted
you asked for this all along
it was what you wanted.
somehow I might not have been ready.
This is for the peace
peace I need to make
for angry and untrue words
spoken amongst us
others lighting the fire.
I adored you
admired you
trusted you.
I can't be angry anymore
because I have to pick up the pieces
I can no longer blame you
for the weight that I'm working on getting rid of
the tension
the thinking
and the wanting to be perfect
the wanting to be someone else.
Without you I never would have been able to learn this
this has made me stronger
this will make me better
for this I thank you.
I'm nailing the coffin right now.
-Justin
it reminded me how important my instrument is to me-
it made me think of you
everything it said made sense
negating everything you have said in the past
everything warped in my head
is it me?
I used to ask often
even as I read.
Perhaps it's my thinking that's wrong
perhaps I rely on the instruction too much.
no.
probably a combination of both.
I found myself angered as I read
more at myself than you.
at myself for not listening to the inner voice for so long.
That voice saying this probably is too much.
Now many months later
here I am
reworking everything
picking up the pieces
attempting to nurture the colors
preserve what is there
and find what is me.
This is what you wanted
you asked for this all along
it was what you wanted.
somehow I might not have been ready.
This is for the peace
peace I need to make
for angry and untrue words
spoken amongst us
others lighting the fire.
I adored you
admired you
trusted you.
I can't be angry anymore
because I have to pick up the pieces
I can no longer blame you
for the weight that I'm working on getting rid of
the tension
the thinking
and the wanting to be perfect
the wanting to be someone else.
Without you I never would have been able to learn this
this has made me stronger
this will make me better
for this I thank you.
I'm nailing the coffin right now.
-Justin
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
same same same
We humans are funny creatures...
we often think that when we make a huge change that our lives will forever be different and that the world will be perfect-our habits will change and it will be great. When I came here I found myself strangely being able to wake up earlier than normal and move quicker than normal-of course I'm terrible because I hit the snooze at least 2 or 3 times before getting up. This is an awful habit, and one that has been causing me to have too many close calls in the morning. For the longest time I could sense myself just going through the day with SO much energy and just going on the energy of the city. Now I'm finding myself strangely going back to not wanting to get out of bed like I always have and realizing that I'm TOTALLY not a morning person. I think the world would be a much better place to be if we all could start our days after noon. In college I used to hate getting up in the mornings...I would lay in bed and just set the alarm for 10 more minutes, which would feel like 3 hours-or occassionally I would have a mental health day and stay home and just sleep in and then watch tv and relax. Every day this week no matter how early I go to bed and make sure I get at least 8 hours of sleep I still find myself just wanting to lay in bed longer. Perhaps this is the inner midwestern in me that will never go away, who knows. It's irritating and I'm the only one who can stop it. This morning I think I hit snooze at least 6 times before actually getting up and jumping in the shower. The sun hasn't been shining here and now we're supposed to get some of this winter storm which should add a nice mix-and the snow is so pretty here. But it's hillarious to me that I still feel like I'm in college sometimes when I wake up in the mornings and just want to stay in bed-but alas I remember that I have a real job to go to and a sold out show that an audience has paid good money to see....and this puts so much into perspective. Things are rolling along well though...I'm anxious to see some of my family this weekend and then next weekend after the show closes to go home for a week and just do nothing for a while. The winter will awaken new things....I'm anxiously awaiting.
XO
justin
we often think that when we make a huge change that our lives will forever be different and that the world will be perfect-our habits will change and it will be great. When I came here I found myself strangely being able to wake up earlier than normal and move quicker than normal-of course I'm terrible because I hit the snooze at least 2 or 3 times before getting up. This is an awful habit, and one that has been causing me to have too many close calls in the morning. For the longest time I could sense myself just going through the day with SO much energy and just going on the energy of the city. Now I'm finding myself strangely going back to not wanting to get out of bed like I always have and realizing that I'm TOTALLY not a morning person. I think the world would be a much better place to be if we all could start our days after noon. In college I used to hate getting up in the mornings...I would lay in bed and just set the alarm for 10 more minutes, which would feel like 3 hours-or occassionally I would have a mental health day and stay home and just sleep in and then watch tv and relax. Every day this week no matter how early I go to bed and make sure I get at least 8 hours of sleep I still find myself just wanting to lay in bed longer. Perhaps this is the inner midwestern in me that will never go away, who knows. It's irritating and I'm the only one who can stop it. This morning I think I hit snooze at least 6 times before actually getting up and jumping in the shower. The sun hasn't been shining here and now we're supposed to get some of this winter storm which should add a nice mix-and the snow is so pretty here. But it's hillarious to me that I still feel like I'm in college sometimes when I wake up in the mornings and just want to stay in bed-but alas I remember that I have a real job to go to and a sold out show that an audience has paid good money to see....and this puts so much into perspective. Things are rolling along well though...I'm anxious to see some of my family this weekend and then next weekend after the show closes to go home for a week and just do nothing for a while. The winter will awaken new things....I'm anxiously awaiting.
XO
justin
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Number 3
Panic attacks are sudden, discrete periods of intense anxiety, mounting physiological arousal, fear and discomfort that are associated with a variety of somatic and cognitive symptoms[1]. The onset of these episodes is typically abrupt, and may have no obvious trigger. Although these episodes may appear random, they are considered to be a subset of an evolutionary response commonly referred to as fight or flight that occur out of context, flooding the body with hormones (particularly adrenalin) that aid in defending itself from harm. [2] Experiencing a panic attack is said to be one of the most intensely frightening and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life. (Bourne 2005).
Monday, December 10, 2007
I mean he kneeds me...I mean like dough George...
Last night I was in bed around 9 p.m. I haven't been to bed around this time in forever. After having the craziest panic attack I was exhausted....no matter how much sleep I got I still woke up a bit late this morning...and am finding myself in an in between state of being rested, awake, and still tired. Perhaps I got too much sleep? I feel like my body is fighting off all of this crap that is going around here. I just need an entire day off- I haven't had one in a while. I also find myself wondering during this time how someone who has a major major role in the NYC theatre sustains everything about them...for example a role like Mama Rose or anything Sondheim.....8 performances a week...intense...every person in this show has a demanding role of some type and we are all wiped at times...doing two shows in one day was just interesting (I haven't done this in YEARS). Vocally technique is the only stability for you--which I'm learning SO much about...physically you just have to take care of yourself hard core....and there's so much you just have to do to prepare. This will be a huge test of my endurance...it's fun...exciting...and thrilling when the audience is sitting there....once my ass hits the train...I'm wiped out completely.
So my goals for the week are the following:
1. Get at least 7 hours of sleep every night
2. Cut back on coffee Consumption
3. Tons of water
4. Mucinex & I will be tight
5. Get sheets for my current bed
6. Get some grocieries
7. Laundry
8. Humidifier
9. Try to do as much as possible this evening.
10. Update ipod with Christmas music
11. Schedule coaching with LeeAnn for January
12. Remain sane.
So my goals for the week are the following:
1. Get at least 7 hours of sleep every night
2. Cut back on coffee Consumption
3. Tons of water
4. Mucinex & I will be tight
5. Get sheets for my current bed
6. Get some grocieries
7. Laundry
8. Humidifier
9. Try to do as much as possible this evening.
10. Update ipod with Christmas music
11. Schedule coaching with LeeAnn for January
12. Remain sane.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Hey there Dalilah
There's an indescribable feeling that has come upon me lately...
perhaps it's the magic of the city that I'm finding to be great
Another openin'
Another show....
Years ago...
my dream was to be in a show in nyc
a run
to know what it felt like...
tonight it starts
I can't believe it.
I'm whipped from a week of long rehearsing
last night didn't get home until 1 a.m.
Up early...
tests your endurance
family in this evening
tomorrow I sleep in as late as possible
Matinee performance
nap
Evening performance
and then it all repeats.
Looking forward to a movie Monday evening
something completely different and relaxing
haven't been to the movies in months.
Next weekend more family
I can't wait...
then the following weekend we close and I head to Ohio for a week
then back.
Every day
one moment at a time.
Peace-
*J
perhaps it's the magic of the city that I'm finding to be great
Another openin'
Another show....
Years ago...
my dream was to be in a show in nyc
a run
to know what it felt like...
tonight it starts
I can't believe it.
I'm whipped from a week of long rehearsing
last night didn't get home until 1 a.m.
Up early...
tests your endurance
family in this evening
tomorrow I sleep in as late as possible
Matinee performance
nap
Evening performance
and then it all repeats.
Looking forward to a movie Monday evening
something completely different and relaxing
haven't been to the movies in months.
Next weekend more family
I can't wait...
then the following weekend we close and I head to Ohio for a week
then back.
Every day
one moment at a time.
Peace-
*J
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Here It Is Kids....
*Ok the time is almost here....tomorrow is first preview-esentially opening....wich officially is Saturday. Come see it if you're in town....hopefully some reviews will be posted Saturday!*
A CHRISTMAS CAROL....
This unique and moving examination of Dickens’ words entwined with the soaring songs of the season returns to New York after a two-year hiatus. This extraordinary sold-out hit has been called “Beautifully crafted…A powerful punch of Christmas spirit [that] tell(s) the story the way Dickens meant it to be told.” (Offoffonline) and The New York Times called it “The best bargain [of NYC] Christmas Carols.”
Performance Times & Dates:
Previews: - December 7, 2007 @ 8:00 PM. December 8, 2007 @ 2:00 PM
8:00 P.M. – December 8, 13, 14, 15, 20, 21, 22, 2007
7:00 P.M. – December 11, 12, 16, 18, 19, 2007
2:00 P.M. – December 9, 15, 16, 22, 2007
Running Time:
2 Hours - One Intermission
Adapted by Stephen Wargo
Musical Arrangements by Dianne Adams McDowell
Producer:
Personal Space Theatrics
Stephen Wargo – Artistic Director
Joseph Guidetti – Managing Director
Director: Stephen Wargo, Assistant Director: Kevin Diamond, Production Manager: Mel Wadle, Stage Manager: Sarah Caddell*, Technical Director: Jon Furlong, Production Director: Nicholas Cotz
Cast: Robert Ian Mackenzie* as Scrooge, with Paul Aguirre (Fezziwig)*, Frank Anderson (Marley’s Ghost)*, Antonio Copeland (Ghost of Christmas Present), Stephanie Ferro (Fan), Kelly Francis (Elizabeth)*, Nathan Freeman (Young Scrooge), Justin Hall (Tiny Tim), Carol Hickey (Mrs. Cratchit), Kathleen Hinders (Mrs. Fezziwig)*, Andrea McCullough (Charwoman)*, Adair Moran (Belle)*, Nicholas Alexiy Moran (Bob Cratchit)*, John McCarthy Moriarty (Turkey Boy), Allyson Pace (Ensemble), Shelley Rae Phetteplace (Ensemble), Justin Randolph (Topper), Daniel Scott Richards (Ensemble)*, Steven Douglas Stewart (Peter Cratchit)*, Caitlin Thurnauer (Martha Cratchit), Michael Turay (Fred), Ryan Wagner (Ghost of Christmas Future), Emily Wright (Catherine), and Katie Zaffrann (Ghost of Christmas Past).
*- Member Actors Equity Association
Actors Equity Approved Showcase
Creative Team:
Musical Director/Conductor: Jamie Reed, Choreographer: Kate Vallee, Scenic Designer: Taline Alexander, Lighting Designer: Timothy Swiss, Costume Designer: Kathleen Leary, Sound Designer: Chris Rummel and Properties Master: Casey Smith
Venue:
TBG Arts Center, 312 West 36th Street, 3rd Floor, New York City (between 8th & 9th Aves)
Transportation:
Subway – A, C, E to 34th Street, Buses – M20
Tickets:
$20.00 – General Admission
$17.00 – Seniors, Students, Children
$15.00 – Group Sales (Blocks of 10 or more tickets)
$10.00 - Ten Dollar Tuesdays – Tuesdays December 12 & 19,2007 All Tickets $10.00
$10.00 – Previews December 7, 2007 @ 8 PM, December 8, 2007 @ 2PM
TDF vouchers accepted
To Purchase Tickets:
Online: www.smarttix.com
Phone: (212) 868-4444 Mon.-Fri. 9 AM to 8 PM, Sat. 10 AM to 8 PM, Sun. 10 AM to 6 PM
Information:
http://www.personalspacetheatrics.org (212) 802-4537
312 West 36th Street, 10018 google map | yahoo map
Location: TBG Arts Center
A CHRISTMAS CAROL....
This unique and moving examination of Dickens’ words entwined with the soaring songs of the season returns to New York after a two-year hiatus. This extraordinary sold-out hit has been called “Beautifully crafted…A powerful punch of Christmas spirit [that] tell(s) the story the way Dickens meant it to be told.” (Offoffonline) and The New York Times called it “The best bargain [of NYC] Christmas Carols.”
Performance Times & Dates:
Previews: - December 7, 2007 @ 8:00 PM. December 8, 2007 @ 2:00 PM
8:00 P.M. – December 8, 13, 14, 15, 20, 21, 22, 2007
7:00 P.M. – December 11, 12, 16, 18, 19, 2007
2:00 P.M. – December 9, 15, 16, 22, 2007
Running Time:
2 Hours - One Intermission
Adapted by Stephen Wargo
Musical Arrangements by Dianne Adams McDowell
Producer:
Personal Space Theatrics
Stephen Wargo – Artistic Director
Joseph Guidetti – Managing Director
Director: Stephen Wargo, Assistant Director: Kevin Diamond, Production Manager: Mel Wadle, Stage Manager: Sarah Caddell*, Technical Director: Jon Furlong, Production Director: Nicholas Cotz
Cast: Robert Ian Mackenzie* as Scrooge, with Paul Aguirre (Fezziwig)*, Frank Anderson (Marley’s Ghost)*, Antonio Copeland (Ghost of Christmas Present), Stephanie Ferro (Fan), Kelly Francis (Elizabeth)*, Nathan Freeman (Young Scrooge), Justin Hall (Tiny Tim), Carol Hickey (Mrs. Cratchit), Kathleen Hinders (Mrs. Fezziwig)*, Andrea McCullough (Charwoman)*, Adair Moran (Belle)*, Nicholas Alexiy Moran (Bob Cratchit)*, John McCarthy Moriarty (Turkey Boy), Allyson Pace (Ensemble), Shelley Rae Phetteplace (Ensemble), Justin Randolph (Topper), Daniel Scott Richards (Ensemble)*, Steven Douglas Stewart (Peter Cratchit)*, Caitlin Thurnauer (Martha Cratchit), Michael Turay (Fred), Ryan Wagner (Ghost of Christmas Future), Emily Wright (Catherine), and Katie Zaffrann (Ghost of Christmas Past).
*- Member Actors Equity Association
Actors Equity Approved Showcase
Creative Team:
Musical Director/Conductor: Jamie Reed, Choreographer: Kate Vallee, Scenic Designer: Taline Alexander, Lighting Designer: Timothy Swiss, Costume Designer: Kathleen Leary, Sound Designer: Chris Rummel and Properties Master: Casey Smith
Venue:
TBG Arts Center, 312 West 36th Street, 3rd Floor, New York City (between 8th & 9th Aves)
Transportation:
Subway – A, C, E to 34th Street, Buses – M20
Tickets:
$20.00 – General Admission
$17.00 – Seniors, Students, Children
$15.00 – Group Sales (Blocks of 10 or more tickets)
$10.00 - Ten Dollar Tuesdays – Tuesdays December 12 & 19,2007 All Tickets $10.00
$10.00 – Previews December 7, 2007 @ 8 PM, December 8, 2007 @ 2PM
TDF vouchers accepted
To Purchase Tickets:
Online: www.smarttix.com
Phone: (212) 868-4444 Mon.-Fri. 9 AM to 8 PM, Sat. 10 AM to 8 PM, Sun. 10 AM to 6 PM
Information:
http://www.personalspacetheatrics.org (212) 802-4537
312 West 36th Street, 10018 google map | yahoo map
Location: TBG Arts Center
Monday, December 3, 2007
Sigh
Ok...we are finally in our apartment! YAY!
Mandy went on Saturday afternoon and got in....I had massive rehearsals all weekend since we open this weekend....but it's amazing....new...clean...nice....and a breath of fresh air. More later...
My night was almost ruined though by a nasty cab ride....
It was FREEZING in the city on Saturday and I decided to take a cab from east midtown to Astoria....typically this is only about a 15 minute ride....the concierge at the hotel my friend was staying at and where I was staying with him for a few days found me a cab. I specifically told him that I wanted a cab that took credit card because I did not want to get cash because my bank was not in the area (and I was NOT about to withdraw and get charged a fee)....because even though there was a strike about the whole thing you still can't tell which cabs take credit and which ones don't unless you actually get into the damn cab. So he finds me a cab that he says will take me there and takes credit card...the guy kind of gives him attitude about making the trip-but whatever. I get in and alas he does take credit card. So I'm enjoying the quiet ride in the warm back to my new home. We get to the corner by my apartment and I swipe my debit card and the driver starts losing his shit on me, asking me if I had cash. I told him that I didn't and that I told the guy at the hotel that I needed a car that took credit card. I put the tip on there and he decides to not stop going off angrily in his broken English about how awful it is that now he will have to go and cash this and he'll only get this much money and blah blah....pushing me to the brink of going off right back....as I hop out and grab my things I look him square in the eye and I say...."if you don't like this then don't drive a Goddamn cab in New York City....don't bitch at me about your expenses and having to cash things...bitch at the cab company this isn't my problem--and on top of that just so you know you should feel lucky to at least have a job....so kiss my ass and if you don't like it go back to your own damn country or do something else." Probably not the best thing to say...but I was livid. I was shocked that someone would go off on me like that. I felt bad about the latter part of my comment because being here has made me really realize just how much of a melting pot our country is---tolerance is a MUST and acceptance is a MUST...but something snapped in me that caused me to freak out on this guy who could barely speak English in MY country serving ME and WORKING here. Why is it that our country is looked so down upon when we require everyone to speak English...or when we say "ENGLISH" is the primary language? You go to Italy, France, Germany, etc many will NOT go out of their way to speak English to you--and in France especially they will hate you for not speaking their language. I can only imagine other countries...so why are we so different? I'm amazed and irritated by this at all times-it's as if we have no balls...we want everyone to just kind of get along and we are SO afraid of offending anyone. Even myself at the commet I made I was repulsed and then I later thought about it....no...I think in some ways I was right. The point is...this is New York...I'm learning that something like that can just happen and then 5 minutes later you just have to brush it off and move on. With as many positive things as there are here...there are just as many negative things.
Ok...enough bitching. The next two nights are off from rehearsal and then we go into tech. I was whipped last night from a weekend full of 7 hour rehearsals. Yesterday we had Johnny Rockets in the East. Village and it was amazing!!! I need to o laundry and some small shopping....
Justin
Mandy went on Saturday afternoon and got in....I had massive rehearsals all weekend since we open this weekend....but it's amazing....new...clean...nice....and a breath of fresh air. More later...
My night was almost ruined though by a nasty cab ride....
It was FREEZING in the city on Saturday and I decided to take a cab from east midtown to Astoria....typically this is only about a 15 minute ride....the concierge at the hotel my friend was staying at and where I was staying with him for a few days found me a cab. I specifically told him that I wanted a cab that took credit card because I did not want to get cash because my bank was not in the area (and I was NOT about to withdraw and get charged a fee)....because even though there was a strike about the whole thing you still can't tell which cabs take credit and which ones don't unless you actually get into the damn cab. So he finds me a cab that he says will take me there and takes credit card...the guy kind of gives him attitude about making the trip-but whatever. I get in and alas he does take credit card. So I'm enjoying the quiet ride in the warm back to my new home. We get to the corner by my apartment and I swipe my debit card and the driver starts losing his shit on me, asking me if I had cash. I told him that I didn't and that I told the guy at the hotel that I needed a car that took credit card. I put the tip on there and he decides to not stop going off angrily in his broken English about how awful it is that now he will have to go and cash this and he'll only get this much money and blah blah....pushing me to the brink of going off right back....as I hop out and grab my things I look him square in the eye and I say...."if you don't like this then don't drive a Goddamn cab in New York City....don't bitch at me about your expenses and having to cash things...bitch at the cab company this isn't my problem--and on top of that just so you know you should feel lucky to at least have a job....so kiss my ass and if you don't like it go back to your own damn country or do something else." Probably not the best thing to say...but I was livid. I was shocked that someone would go off on me like that. I felt bad about the latter part of my comment because being here has made me really realize just how much of a melting pot our country is---tolerance is a MUST and acceptance is a MUST...but something snapped in me that caused me to freak out on this guy who could barely speak English in MY country serving ME and WORKING here. Why is it that our country is looked so down upon when we require everyone to speak English...or when we say "ENGLISH" is the primary language? You go to Italy, France, Germany, etc many will NOT go out of their way to speak English to you--and in France especially they will hate you for not speaking their language. I can only imagine other countries...so why are we so different? I'm amazed and irritated by this at all times-it's as if we have no balls...we want everyone to just kind of get along and we are SO afraid of offending anyone. Even myself at the commet I made I was repulsed and then I later thought about it....no...I think in some ways I was right. The point is...this is New York...I'm learning that something like that can just happen and then 5 minutes later you just have to brush it off and move on. With as many positive things as there are here...there are just as many negative things.
Ok...enough bitching. The next two nights are off from rehearsal and then we go into tech. I was whipped last night from a weekend full of 7 hour rehearsals. Yesterday we had Johnny Rockets in the East. Village and it was amazing!!! I need to o laundry and some small shopping....
Justin
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