Substitute for Love

Today rain & cold abound in the city.
I feel uber under the weather today.
If there are ever those days you feel like you're just getting by
hanging on to a small thread--
that is me today.
It's the stress of the past few months
finally catching up to my body
the apartment situation
so irritating.
It should be fixed mid week.

This break was amazing.
The most theraputic and much needed time.
Justin & Travis mean so much to me...
we can sit around and do nothing and be happy.
It has always been that way-
in the ever changing world where people change all too often
it's nice to know that my connection with these two never changes-but gets stronger.
I'm so happy they are accessibly close to me
of course I wish we were closer.
I'm envious of their lives in so many ways. They have each other, a beautiful home, and are working through life together.
In so many ways I feel all alone in this world.
That's ok-for now.
A change will abound in the future...
the thoughts on the bus last night of "living that way now...."
totally makes sense.
I love the city
I love performing...
my substitute for love?
not anymore.

-Justin

Thanksgiving

I sit here in a warm beautiful house in Massachusettes...
with two of my best friends who I adore
I'm reminded of why I'm thankful being around them.
We have done nothing-yet so much-it has been much needed.

The apartment is taking longer...once again another delay.
News tomorrow? I hope...
Hitting the computer hardcore tomorrow to figure something out.

Still thankful though.
XO
justin

Allora

Overall the weekend was exhausting....
I hardcore practiced on Saturday for over an hour in a great studio space
I'm trying to get things moving further again and I've been vocalizing parts of three arias.
I wont hit things too heavily until after the show
But my butt was totally kicked.
I grew a tad frustrated with myself at times
and then suddenly became comfortable and happy with the fact that it was time to stand in front of the mirror again and realign, relax the jaw--lay on the floor and simply breathe. I haven't done this for a little while-suddenly it felt comfortable to do this again-nurturing and healing. I kept telling myself to concentrate and relax. It was an ebb and flow. The Donizetti and Rossini felt the best which makes me believe even more that my voice needs to move every day as much as possible.
I had drinks late last week with some of the cast-I was delighted to hear some of their tales of opera-since some of them consider it to be what they do. I complained jokingly about how the baritone voice or at least mine is seeming to take forever to mature..."it will come when it's ready" was the phrase softly spoken to me by a very wise older English actor and singer. That certainly made me smile. I think to an extent we have to ready and open for things in a very spiritual way before they can actually happen to us. It's like the energy around us is not willing to give us what we want until we are completely ready. I will soon be ready-some times it takes long priority check for us to realize what it is we have to do to open up.
The show is going fairly well. LONG rehearsals make me tired though. I'm finding myself jumping between a couple of different worlds more easily than every before. You just have to roll with the punches. I'm worried about memorizing everything I have to memorize. Some things are sticking and some are not sticking. We will block a scene and we may never do it until our run throughs...which kills me. After this week we only like one full week left of rehearsals before jumping into tech and then we open. It's crazy-but if I can make it through this...I can make it through anything. I couldn't have asked for a better day job which I'm now officially a permanent part of which means salary and benefits (which is UBER amazing)...at a wonderful place called Lyon Heart. They are an extremely progressive adversiting and communications firm for major drug companies...it's great!
Tonight I make a move into midtown as the girls I'm staying with now have guests coming. My apartment was supposed to be done last week--of course the renovations are taking longer. We're told that Friday or Saturday it should be done. So a wonderful angel and new friend of mine is letting me crash at his place in Midtown for a few days while he dog sits before I head out of town for the holiday. I'm SO ready to get into the new apartment...Mandy and I are anxiously awaiting just being in our own space!! It will be amazing to finally hang my clothes on hangers and in a closet and not have to iron every day. Although it has been good practice!
For now that's all... :-)
-Justin

Moving forward

This week I heard something about you-
something that normally would have sent me crazy
sent me through the roof because I have no control
I smiled....and didn't feel that clutch in my body
the clutch that normally happens
telling my body that I should hurt.
Finally that day
in Chelsea
eating my cupcake
before rehearsal
I realized-
I'm fine...
the grief has passed.....
I'm relieved.
Nailing the coffin is the only thing that's left.

Life continues to move fast
change is in the air
sempre!
Music
art
listening
being silent and still
--my keys.

Norma

Last night I saw what to me was probably one of the BEST live operatic performances I have seen thus far in my life. I knew I loved Bellini for a reason. Being a Maria Callas buff I of course have listened to Norma many many times-however this experience was the first actually seeing it and hearing it live-and at the Met. to top that off. This was a first rate production in every way! We often hear people say..."I'm a dramatic voice...I'm a heavier voice...etc..."and often we really truly don't have any kind of model to go after...and from my experience we hear a larger voice that is pushed out to project in so many ways. Of course yes it may be a bigger voice and we can hear this...BUT...holy cow hearing these singers was eye opening to the world of larger voices. This to me was what it was...it sounded like they were amplified 100 times with microphones---in EVERY register of their voice. The voice just came right in your face and all around you. In comparison to the really good lyric singers I have heard at the met it's about the same-the only difference is natural "heft" in the sound is less than the dramatic...but still the voice cuts-just in a different way. I was amazed at the EASE that all of the singers sound with...the bass was just GOD! Granted he was probably in his 50's or 60's but the voice just brought tears to my eyes. The Norma was quite brilliant and her technique was flawless! This role is so demanding and she definitely showed no signs of being tired-actually she got better as the evening went on. The tenor was just dynamite and at first I couldn't believe he was a tenor because in so many ways he had a darker baritonal timbre to his voice. The voice just soared. And my favorite of the evening was Dolora Zajick who sang Adalgisa. This woman amazed me in every way...she could soar extremely high and loud over the orchestra and just as much as she would do that she would also bring the sound down to such a soft and quiet point that you were FORCED to listen. Her technique and dramatic energy were flawless. What more can I say? I would sell my first born to somehow be able to have seen Callas sing Norma because I could only imagine how she would have been--but there is magic in this opera--and in this production.
Tonight rehearsals start again...first full read through and sing through. Somehow soon I have to get onto a good gym schedule. It just seems imposisble with this show. I'm not worried about the cardiovascular stuff because I do it every day with as much walking as I'm doing...I just need to be lifting again.
That's all for now...
Justin

Sunday

Ohh my I can't believe tomorrow is Monday
the weekend went way too fast! Today was a long 5 hour music rehearsal and needless to say my voice is tired. This is forcing me to get back 100% in vocal shape, which I haven't been in for a while. After all of the holiday stuff I will get back with my teacher, get things realigned, and start forging ahead on the arias and roles I need to work on. It is nice to be in a show and have something in the evening...but I'm totally looking forward to coming home after work...going to the gym...practicing...studying and reading...and then going to bed. I know it sounds lame-but that sounds amazing right now.
My mom told me the other morning that she just bought some snow man flannel sheets for my bed at home...as a kind of nice incentive for coming home during Christmas-which of course I will anyways. At that moment I could just picture myself crawling into that warm bed...and knowing how much alike my mother and I are I appreciated the simplicity of that-she knew I would. Little things like that make me smile. My family will be coming to see the show...which will be nice. It will be weird because of the rush of the shows but good to see them. I had a long conversation with my best friend tonight which was much needed. He caught me right when I was doing laundry which was the perfect time for a distraction. We tend to jokingly wish things upon one another that we know the other person doesn't really want or says he doesn't want. Example...I tell him I hope he falls in love with someone who is just like me who can't make a simple decision about where to eat, what to buy, etc just to annoy the hell out of him. He tells me tonight that he hopes I meet someone and get married to them because he knows that right now my brain has been simply in "lets get settled and used to this mode." Again simple things like that make me smile...or coming home tonight and chatting with Mandy and hearing about her amazing date...or listening to Abba with the girls and laughing at how old we've become...or shopping in Macy's with Emily and singing Bette Midler's Otto Titsling. Ahhh the joys of life.
Totally random blog, I know.
XO
-justin

Cinderella

So tonight...
I need a breather so I see Cendrillon (Cinderella) at NYC Opera. This was the first opera I did when I was a little 19 year old in college. I had a pretty good seat and was thrilled to see the production updated and set in the 1950s. It actually worked quite well and was very charming, as I think Massenett intended for it to be. The music is exquisite in itself and while I think some of the staged interludes just didn't make sense I do believe the music took care of so much itself. The acting was good...the singing for the most part couldn't be heard the best-I suppose most of this (from previous experiences at City opera) is that the orchestra plays so damn loud. My favorite of the evening was the tenor who played Prince Charming. Not only was he dreamy in every way (or at least from where I sat) but he had such a refined voice that reminded me so much of Juan Diego Florez. He knew what he could do and he didn't push that in any way to try to be something else. The baritone was also on the top of my list-especially his beginning aria which was stunning because his navigation through the passaggio (which there's tons of) was flawless. Now..........................
the WORST part was the people sitting around me. NYC audiences are well known for being some of the best and some of the worst-the worst in terms of manners, which apparently flew out the window with everyone sitting around me tonight. Generally I'm not a snob at the theatre--ok I understand you wanna be comfortable and sometimes you have to do some things-but this is NOT your damn living room. The first problem was that there were 4 girls who came in 10 minutes late and sat three seats down from me. They kept opening up their cell phone...ok after a while I can ignore this...then they talk and carry on a conversation which of course causes the purple haired ladies in front of them and their equally snobby old husbands to turn around and give the looks from hell to these girls to shut up. It apparently didn't work. I couldn't figure out who I was more irritated with, the girls or the old bitchy people. I was just thrilled to see young people there-but someone just needs to show them theatre etiquette. Then the guy sitting to my left decides this is his nap time...and not only that but he was a mouth breather. I'm a mouth breather sometimes so I normally wouldn't knock another fellow mouth breather-but this guy was loud. He started snoring in the second act and after I had enough I nudged him slightly because it was way too loud. I begin to chuckle to myself because the whole evening just seemed funny. At intermission I left to go to the bathroom and see some of the art around the opera house, a good 10 minutes went by. I went back and there was a coat on my seat. As I'm looking at this the girls sitting by me were being lectured by the old cranky ass man in front of them, which an usher nearby. I was quite thrown off by the man and his hard words for these girls who were probably not even 20 and didn't know any better. I always believe there are kinder ways of going about some things-one doesn't have to be mean about it. I start to move the coat thinking it's the girls beside me. A man standing above me says that it's his. I said "well this is my seat." "No it's not," he sternly replies. "Uummm yeah actually it is," I say in a rather calm but don't fuck with me I've had a long week type of voice. So of course I go and pull out my ticket and he still disagrees with me. So I say "ok well there's one empty seat down on the end, I'll take that-will that work for you?" "I can't move up if you want," he says in a softer tone. "No it's fine." I couldn't help but just laugh at this situation after I sat down thinking that really the house was not even full-I could have sat anywhere...or rather HE could have sat anywhere but of course he chose MY seat.
The opera begins after intermission and I'm trying my best to just hope and pray that the heavy breathing stops, the bitchy looks stop, and all will be bliss in opera land. This worked for about 40 minutes actually, until this elderly man decided to have a conversation with his more elderly wife in the middle of one of the quietest arias. Again people turned and gave looks-but this time there were voices saying "be quiet." Finally they were...then I hear scuffling and the man is putting his glass into a bag that zips up so of course this is the loudest thing. He then shoves it under his seat, stands up and prepares to exit. This was almost the final distraction of the evening until heavy breather beside me, who is half asleep still, decides to have a coughing spell and share with everyone around him. Who needs a damn flu shot when you live in New York? Just being in public is enough to build up your immunity and give you the damn flu. haha The opera ended and it was great.
Seeing it brought back some wonderful memories of my first performance on the opera stage and everything that surrounded it. I was sophomore in college-I was so excited to be doing this opera and it seemed at the time that everyone in the show had the most amazing voice. It was triple cast which was insane. Two people who are still my best friends were in the show with me. I haven't seen either of them in some time-but it's a reminder of how life just keeps moving on.
My feet are killing me today from walking. I had to put on shoes I haven't worn in a while because my pair I adore wearing got busted up. I'm still waiting on my winter coat to arrive...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it's getting cold! Still no news on the apartment and when we can actually step through the door-but hopefully VERY soon!! This probably sounds like quite the pessamistic blog-but I'm feeling quite the opposite right now.
Tomorrow will be a good day...sleeping in a bit is wonderful. I have rehearsal and then HAVE to do laundry. I've considered cutting my hair short again-but think I am going to stay with it growing longer for now. When I had it long back in 2003 it was different-I didn't give it enough time. So hopefully I can stick it out...otherwise I may go back to short-which will be fine too.
Tutto il posto!
-Justin

Gyros and cheese fries

Last night after a 4 hour rehearsal (dancing mind you) I took some different trains back home with some of the other cast members. It was great to get to connect with a few people and in general every day I feel that I connect with more and more people in this big bad ass city of new york. It's tough though because I feel like I still have my guard up here...perhaps because I feel in some ways surrounded by so many different types of people and am just learning how to trust and let go a bit more. I also in general feel that I'm starting to learn even more of a refined definition of who I am and what I want out of life. Right now I'm learning to just "roll with the punches," as they say. Anyways...(I digress)....I got off a different stop last night and had a further walk. Luckily Ro called me as she was getting off the train and we chatted and both realized that even though it was 10 p.m....we were both starving and needed to get something to eat--no matter how guilty we felt. So we met at Pita Pan. She was good and just got some cheese fries...I enjoyed what seemed to be the worlds smallest gyro and also some amazing cheese fries. It was heaven just sitting down and watching Grey's Anatomy and eating. The guilt didn't set in this morning but...ehh whatever.
I can't wait to get some new clothes....I think that my butt just keeps going away. :-( I was so sad when I put my jeans on this morning because no matter how good I think the jeans will fit or look from the front...my butt is still sagging in the back. ha Damn genetics!!! My winter coat should be getting to me soon. I can't wait! My gloves, hats, and scarves...I'm not eve sure where they are...somewhere in Ohio. *sigh* Thanksgiving may be a whirlwind because if we're in the new place before then (we SHOULD be) then I am absolutely considering an extremely quick trip back to Ohio to load up all of my things and bring them back so that I have my bed-and so that we actually have furniture. *keep your fingers crossed*
One final rant...last evening as I was taking the train down to Chelsea where my rehearsal was I had a very interesting experience. Standing on the platform waiting for the train you often make eye contact with people...occassionally it will happen to be a very good looking man. At first you have the awkward stare and then look down and then stare back and then the train goes and it was like this little special secret moment that only you'll know about. Who knows he could have been looking at how terrible my hair was or something. In general I think guys here really don't want to waste any time and so they're right to the point. As I'm sitting on the train this older guy sits beside me....he starts talking to me and asking me questions about Chelsea. I tell him I don't go there often but occassionally I will go out there or have dinner at Food Bar or something....he then proceeds to tell me that he's maried but gay and his wife knows...they're totally best friends...he has two kids....and that he would like to get to know me. Ok I'm a nice guy...but good God! haha Do I have a magnet on me that says "please only married, straight, or taken men?" I got the guts to actually look him in the eye and say..."I'm not into married men...." The feelings here is that most men know what they want and they dont want to "waste time." Perhaps I'm wrong on this assumption? I don't know...but in general that kind of seems like how things roll sometimes-not just in dating. To me half of the amazing thing about getting to know someone is the time in getting to know them...those periods of uncertainty with how someone will react to something, learning what someone's favorite food is, favorite song, etc...that takes time. Call me old fashioned? ha! Watching Grey's last night made me think again, as always and of course my morning commute listening to John Mayer...*sigh*
Random thoughts for today. I hope to hit the gym this weekend...I'm feeling ultra flubby the past few days. :-(
---J.