"The only constant is change..."

Emptiness

2008-11-26T09:33:00.002-05:00

Today the emptiness sets in

addiction is not a friendly thing.

Realizations that change is necessary-

deep inner strength. Important. I can do this-I know it.

Breathe deep breaths

drink water

breath

look at today-not tomorrow or 5 years from now.

Today-

the power of now--IMPORTANT.

This is hard

but will pass.

The urge to put toxins in my body will be gone.

Soon.

I can still enjoy those situations with friends

hanging out

long trips

all these are possible.

Habit is hard to break.

Onward and upward.

As Kim has said before...

some things are just not good for people

and some of us have problems with moderation.

I made apple pie last night.

This was a test b4 I make it tomorrow in Rochester.

I'm nervous but excited.

Almost a year--seriously?

Going on 11 months...

every evening I still get butterflies when we crawl into bed together

kissing that part of his chin just before his lip

always makes me smile.

I wish I had his moderation discipline in life.

Perhaps when I get older. We'll see.

For now the journey continues.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Off to Rochester late tonight.

Be back sometime Friday evening/early Saturday.

Then it's officially Christmas in the city. Ahhhh!

XOXOOX

Justin

It's like grieving

2008-11-24T09:14:00.003-05:00

As if I step back into time

leaving a part of my life I've known for so long.

Those same feelings flood through me. Actually-

I'm trying to soothe them. Medicate them.

I cried so hard that night, the 31st.

I was dropped off and alone-truly everything moved and changed within the short hours of the day.

I had lost control.

I grieved for months.

There were days I couldn't move

-certain I had done the wrong thing.

What was I thinking? I asked every day.

I had to convince myself to stay each day-

thinking about the past and the past routines

faces of the familiar made me cry.

I felt lost-crazed-and insane.

I knew I couldn't do this. I was doing the right thing.

You toughen up

you move on

each day you do something else

keep the mind moving

take a shower

get in the sun

everything will be ok.

As I continue this journey of losing an addiction

I am finding myself on my stomach

pounding my fists on the ground

"I Don't WANT TO"

throwing fits of rage.

But I know I have to do it.

I need more than anything to regain total control.

Get through this

open up

renew

refresh

it will all be ok.

Life goes on.

Obla di obla da.

-J.

Angry at times

2008-11-18T16:26:00.003-05:00

Obama is our new president-come January. I'm thrilled-yet still frightened that as people we are expected too much-

too fast. I remain hopeful.

53000 jobs lost at Citi Bank-

UNBELIEVABLE LOSS.

Student loans-some places aren't even doing them anymore.

These are scary times.

I fight with my money-

try to protect it..staying on top.

No one understands the fear.

I don't understand the fear. To have nothing-it's scary.

No longer sending that out to the Universe.

Plenty-

enough-

fullness-

and wealth are what's going out now.

Everyone needs to think that way.

The news isn't helping.

Constantly sending the bad energy/bad things into the Universe

creates more for us.

I believe that stuff.

How does one stay calm in the midst of a storm?

These are questions I don't know the answers to.

Seeing numbers that aren't there.

Take a leap of faith.

Lots of those happening lately.

Remembering the ones who were there...that's the important stuff.

The true friends.

There are so few these days.

I go back to Ohio...

real friends-true ones...

we don't see each other often

but it was that connection that was still present made me realize that there was nothing like them nor will there ever be.

What a great wedding.

Beautiful.

Colorful.

Full of love.

I'm tired of giving to people and not getting back-

so many things one does for someone else and to be shit upon is the worst.

I'm done.

January starts anew...

we cut the strings

and we start fresh--letting go of the old.

Time to grow.

Time to fly.

--J.

Fridays

2008-11-07T09:46:00.003-05:00

It has been some time since I've written. I haven't really felt like putting my recent writings out there for all to see. A lot of personal stuff going on and dealing with a lot of good and challenging things in my head.

I've realized not through my own measure but also with the nudging of a wonderful soul that I am too difficult on myself. I need to take smaller steps to success rather than trying to do 5 million things at once. If I want to be positive I try that along with trying to get to the gym EVERY DAY, READ every day, practice EVERY day, be a good and loving partner, be the artist I know how to be, get on top of my finances in this crazy world, find some wonderful sense of spirituality in my life....it's too much. One can't do this all at one time. It's impossible. I was getting frustrated with myself when I would miss just one demand that I placed on myself. I was beating myself-not being self nurturing at all. A lot of this comes from my past...feeling like perfection MUST be reached (which is IMPOSSIBLE). That perfection constantly had to be met when I was young too because of the church I grew up in. It seemed like a mandate to constantly put on a good face, always be doing something, maintain adherence to the strictest of rules that "God" and "the Bible" supposedly want you to follow in life. That's way too much pressure for someone. Life is WAY too short.

My goal is to wake up every day with a smile on my face and remember that the day is a totally new day! It's a fresh start! Nurturing is important and I will continue to nurture myself in whatever way I am able to. Some of the things that I can do that are nurturing to myself are things I love to do: cooking, yoga, practicing (yes it can be healing and nurturing and SHOULD be looked at in this way), getting lost in reading a good play, going to as many live performances as possible, watching a good movie, sleeping in, talking to Greg in bed before going to sleep, drinking tea, walking through the park, getting coffee and walking, taking a guilt free nap......these are all wonderful things that I LOVE doing. The frustration comes in thinking "I wish EVERY DAY could be spent like Saturday morning." In a way it can...we have to lift the pressure off ourselves and allow ourselves to indulge--no we should DEMAND ourselves to dabble throughout the day in that relaxed energy that we find when we are nurturing. Whether it's stepping away from the desk for 10 minutes to walk to Starbucks and grab a tea and just enjoy the walk back.....or allow ourselves the extre 5 minutes in the morning to remember to pack that special tea from home that we love along with that sandwich that we always enjoy. Let's treat ourselves to something we enjoy. There's a lemon calm tea that I can only find at work that tastes SO good. The tart taste reminds me of something I love and the warmth and smell are so soothing that it just makes me feel a little bit better at my desk knowing I have it next to me. Give yourself the props to indulge in something you love. Hell if it costs more money at the store who CARES! Don't deprive yourself. LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE!

So I refuse to live in bondage anymore. Life is way too short. We create our own universe! I want mine to be a calm universe with few storms....

Here's to a good day and good weekend!

Justin

Perspective

2008-10-20T11:46:00.002-04:00

interestingly people can provide perspective for us sometimes.

that happened to me this weekend.

one of my longest best friends visited me.

i haven't seen her in over a year.

it was so great to see her.

she has changed.

mellowed out in some ways.

i realized through her eyes that i was doing the right thing.

i secured my place in this world...

somehow it was confirmed.

my past meeting the present.

a soft gentle hand of everything in the past

patting me on the back

"it's ok...you're absolutely right"

breathe in...

breathe out...

keep climbing.

Today

2008-10-07T11:27:00.001-04:00

I'm thankful to be living in the new apartment.

I'm thankful for wonderful friends.

I'm thankful for good sex.

I'm thankful for performing gigs.

I'm thankful for hope.

I'm thankful for employment.

I'm thankful for the gym!

-JR

WHY

2008-10-03T11:59:00.003-04:00

do so many "christians" who are SO good at quoting scripture ALWAYS forget one that I think is pretty important..."judge not lest ye be judged..."

Hmmmmm

Rainy Days & Fridays always get me down...

2008-09-26T13:34:00.002-04:00

I love the Carpenters. I love their lyics, sound, and artistry. Days like today I could just sit in a room and listen to them over and over again.
Today for some reason I'm harboring seriously negative thoughts and feelings. I hate doing this, and I know I am the only one who can change it. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. and was wide awake. There is no explanation as to why, it just was. It took me an hour to go back to sleep. Perhaps I have more on my mind than I thought I did or ever realized. So many wonderful things are happening and yet I feel stuck in a lot of ways. The Tolle "ego" is really getting in my way. I'm going to start reading the Power of Now again. I know these things can't be my salvation, but some enlightenment would be fantastic right now. I'm amazed at how life comes and goes and how we can have everything yet still feel like we have nothing. Remembering what we do have is the key I suppose. I couldn't help today but think of my long walks in Urbania with Bernard. I am blessed with so many wonderful friends in my life, but his friendship I desperately miss and I look forward to reconnecting with him again soon. Perhaps fear is creeping back into my life more. I have a lot of singing coming up and I feel so unprepared. I haven't had a lesson in months. I don't feel like I need one every week-but I need a giant tune up. A lot of that is my fault for not consistently practicing. I still haven't given up smoking which infuriates me even more. I can't stop thinking about how strong this addiction has a hold on me. No one, unless they are a smoker, understands this. I wish I could just let it go...but thinking of impending situations and not being able to smoke makes me feel lost. I'm imagining these situations at their worst--at the times when I enjoy smoking the most. It's really quite ridiculous. I come up with plan after plan and fail to follow through because of fear. I'm waking up to myself hacking up junk in the middle of then night. Something I've never done before. What's worse is I worry with my family history of heart disease that I'm just slowly killing myself...and then my voice...I can't even imagine how much stronger things would be without smoking. I have to just stop and yet I don't. Like every addiction there's a fear...there's an extreme empty feeling you feel when even pondering your life without that specific drug. Reworking your entire life seems like such a hard thing. It seems like a task unachievable! I read the best book on stopping smoking...it really inspired me...and then I stopped half way through and then picked it up two weeks later only to finish it with more fear of just letting go. I go to try and find it and of course it's packed away in a box. Go figure, right? I think I just have to get some deep inner strength going, suck it up, and follow through regardless. I'm moving in less than a week essentially. I'm not packed completely, and I feel like the plan in vague. I want nothing more than to just snap my fingers and have it all be completely done and behind me. Wouldn't that be lovely?
Anyways...I'm going to try and be as positive the rest of the day as possible. Right now I just want to crawl into a hole, sleep, and cry.

XO
Justin

Ass

2008-09-25T13:25:00.002-04:00

Today I'm wearing a pair of jeans I haven't worn in a little while. Perhaps it's because they're "loose fit" but...for some reason the damn things keep falling down...meanwhile confirming the fact that I have no ass. I do have an ass...it's just small. I wish it could be proportionate to the rest of my body. I look in the mirror and I see a tall guy with a giant rib cage and an ass as flat as a pan cake. The jeans are 31 waist...normally I'm a 32 sometimes 33...but for some reason these are just sagging. No more loose fit purchases for me I say...ho hum...
Vacation was great. I spent 5 days with my mom and my aunt driving up the east coast line going through Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Maine, and New Jersey. It was SO relaxing. Now it's back to real life.....
trying to decide whether to get my hair cut or not...i miss the crazy hairdo a little...hmmm....

Justin

For some...

2008-09-16T15:26:00.003-04:00

reason I'm nostalgic this afternoon. Perhaps it's because I've fallen out of touch with many people who I used to be close with, and kept in close contact with only a few. The phone works both ways-but of course I can't help today for some reason but to feel totally and utterly separated from my past. For just a moment I would love the opportunity to be back in my batchelder dorm room just for 5 minutes and have Tosha, Jodie, Nick, Nicki, Ashley, Justin, and all the other gang back in the room. Just for 5 minutes...before any of us knew what our lives would become-what responsibility we would have. *sigh* I can't help but think back on so many years with a full heart. That weekend of exams partying at Nicki's....those were the days. I miss dreaming sometimes like we did...driving in the car...eating at Cheddar's or MYLES. I guess I'm learning to really appreciate the moment as it comes. My life now is just amazing--but my past seems so far away right now.

C'est la vie

Justin

Uncertainty & Bliss

2008-09-16T08:56:00.002-04:00

There's so much uncertainty today. The economy is shit. Regardless of what political stance one takes it's undeniable that we are in a bit pile of shit. I saw my stocks plummet between yesterday and today. Craziness. Whatever. My parents have lost power and will be out of it for over a week. Food prices have been soaring everywhere. Remembering that we absolutely have NO control is something that we all need to remember. Knowing this it's hard to find the positive things in life...and then...at 3:30 in the morning after waking up...I have mind blowing sex and I'm reminded about what life is all about. :)

Justin

Today

2008-09-15T10:09:00.001-04:00

I was about to type in a blog bitching about everything in my world that has been pissy today. I could complain about how my debit card was stolen, or how my commute to work was 689 hours....but....as I sat here and finally allowed myself to calm down I looked at the news and see what is happening in Texas....and I realize I have a lot to be thankful for--and nothing to complain about.

My thoughts and good energy to TX.

Justin

Funny One

2008-09-11T16:06:00.002-04:00

So today during lunch I hit the gym as I try to usually do. I've gotta get back into going in the morning...but that's a different story. Anyways...I did the routine and then I spent about 10 minutes in the steam room and then I got into the shower. I got out and usually try to fight the crowd to get to my locker and have my own little bit of space to change. I put my shit in my bag and then sat my bag on the floor and stepped over a few feet to dry my hair and stand in front of the cool fan. The room was PACKED! I noticed a guy right beside my locker who had sprawled all of his shit close to mine...his bag actually being right next to mine. Whatever. I glanced back and noticed him leaving. I thought for a moment to myself..."I hope he doesn't accidentally take my bag or shoes or something..." I saw him leave and at the corner of my eye thought he was carrying my bag. I brushed the thought off and continued to get ready and walked back to my locker. Sure enough my bag was gone. At this point I'm still only in my towel that is wrapped around my waist-nothing else. I freaked out. I mean completely flipped. I kept thinking about everything that was in there. I had NO choice in my mind but to run after him. I literally ran out of the bathroom screaming "he has my bag!" The front desk people and everyone at the machines nearby just looked at me like I was an alien. Here I am in New York Sports Club in nothing but a towel screaming and running...I run all the way up the steps and just as I get to the top I notice him outside walking down 2nd Ave just a bit. I go outside and yell at him and he turns around. He apologized and was so embarrassed....I grabbed my bag and shamefully ran downstairs. He came and grabbed his shortly after that. I rushed so fast to get out of there because I was embarrassed. I literally walked through my gym and onto 2nd Ave. in the largest city in the world in just a towel! Oh the looks I got, and I'm sure many people will have good dinner time stories for their family and friends.

C'est la vie....

The mornings...

2008-09-08T09:08:00.002-04:00

are sometimes hard to keep my eyes open for. It's a mental thing. Yesterday I wanted to sleep in late--evidently sleeping in late for me these days is 9 a.m. I remember when it used to be noon or later. Today I'm finding myself sitting here just wanting to put my head down and sleep. Wouldn't that be nice?

Today I'm thankful for the following:

Waking up in a warm bed with Greg, lots of merrrs, a nice smooth commute to work this morning, getting to work early enough to have breakfast and a big decaf. coffee, having a yummy dinner last night with friends, having a wonderful dinner on Friday night, spending a lot of the weekend with amazing people, a trip to Target, a new apartment in a week, some money in the bank, a fan at my desk, seeing my parents this weekend for a few hours, sleeping in until 9, not having any big obligations this weekend, having some prospects coming up, having a job, having income, having a wonderful family, wonderful friends, having a break soon, a hopeful upcoming election, fall being around the corner, the holidays being around the corner, cold weather around the corner, a new wardrobe, a new website, a career taking off, being in good voice, my neti pot, being surrounded by creativity and forward thinking, being awake, conquering addictions, being happy, being confident, enjoying life.

I'm often

2008-09-02T14:36:00.003-04:00

asked many questions by people who are curious about life as an artist...what would I have done different if I could go back in time...how does one make a living being an artist...is it easy...is it hard...what are some of your challenges...etc....after a LONG conversation with someone about this today it's at the forefront of my mind, and has me thinking. Maybe some readers would wanna post their thoughts? Opinions too?

I think the main thing that actors, singers, and perhaps artists do wrong initially is that they try to model the journey of their career after another. I've learned that you can't do this. There really is only one of you...why be anyone else? Journeys are such an individual thing. I can't predict another individual's artistic or personal path. We look at other people in hopes that it will make things easier on us. Like there is a formula we can follow and if we do the equation just right, then things will work out perfectly and we'll reach a certain level of success. Look at other careers, yes there may be common things that each person went through (ie; college, internship, etc) however the exact details of how they got there are their own. If you analyzed their paths deeply you would find many deviations along the way. Artists sometimes also look at themselves as the only special people in the world. The ego is extremely strong and they feel isolated--they create this isolation within their own world to feed their egos. Call me crazy, but I believe it's true. Yes we are artists, but we are also people. Learn to live life while being an artist. My life thus far has been very interesting in this regard. Letting go is a process that is a daily meditation.

From the time I was a very young child I performed. I was always pretending, memorizing movies, and always reenacting scenes from television or film. I wanted to be an actor--hell at that point it didn't matter--I didn't know what I wanted to be. But I LOVED creating, imitating, and just being in front of people. Even as a young child I remember the thrill of doing the Pee-Wee Herman dance in front of my family and getting laughs. The older I got the more I continued this. It was something I loved. When I entered high school I had to start thinking of a career. It never crossed my mind that I would do something artistic. My first choice was to be a funeral director. This obviously didn't work out and once I started doing theatre in my teens I decided this was going to be my life. I believe I was looked at as odd in school, in fact I know I was. I did every single play that I could, and once I got my foot into community theatre I dove right into heavy roles unsuitable for a 17 year old--but damn good for training and exposure. I didn't care that others found me odd. I decided to try and stop fitting in. This was apparent when I wasn't one of the jocks in the school. I didn't play one of the many sports that one was required to play to be considered cool. It wasn't my thing. I was in choir, show choir, theatre, and loved the journalism courses I took and also loved being the president of the newspaper. I was determined I believe to be in theatre. Old bios in programs scream future actor when I would write things such as "future goals are to move to L.A. or NYC and become a successful film and stage actor." My parents weren't too thrilled by this...reasonably so. Their child was wanting to do something that was totally different. He wasn't going to stay in small town Ohio the rest of his life. They pretty much wanted me to have a degree in something that I could use as a "fall back." I hated that--and still do in so many ways. It's the worst thing to say to a dreaming child. They meant well but lesson learned...my child will NEVER hear those words.

I was off to college and not really finding a major that we could compromise on I decided to pursue a music degree in voice. Thinking it would gear me towards musical theatre or just theatre in general. All right...wonderful. I get there and I start having the best time of my life. Ahhh to be around people who were as weird as me...other people who weren't the coolest in their schools. People who were artists! It was just amazing! Thrilling! I started studying voice. My first real teacher opened me up in the four years I studied with her. All of my good vocal habits I learned from her training! She knew what she was doing with my voice and wanted to make it as usable and limber as possible. NO strain and no force necessary. Every lesson was progress...I was amazed. There was always something new happening! I some how edged into the world of opera. I had never seen an opera, let alone sang anything like that before. Here was an amazing challenge that was before me. I wanted to do this. I wanted to try and sing classically. I loved the stories, the language, the combination of theatre, and the thought of being a part of a high art was thrilling to me. I continued for a while to do musicals and pursue that venue as well as opera. It was great fun! I was so busy for a while. At one point I was taking 22 credit hours (insane), singing in a musical, doing an opera, and also a chorus. It was a constant busy. I would have class starting at 8:30 and wouldn't be home until 10:30. I LOVED it!! However somewhere along the way I got lost...lost in this ideal...lost in what my journey SHOULD be. I thought I would continue into this opera world and that grad. school was the best option. I suppose it was at the time. I was scared to death to do anything else. Leaving school and entering the real world at that time would have been frightening.

OK so I continued...staying at my alma mater. I felt it necessary to study with a new teacher who I believed could really take a voice to another level. The voice changed...at first this new found confidence was amazing. It was thrilling and it was something I couldn't resist being a part of. My teacher was this gigantic force of amazing-ness. He was this truly amazing person to me...a very strong male presence in my life that was much needed at the time. His personality was just as big as he was tall and I loved it. Somehow things got twisted...I started wanting to BE him. Which is impossible. After singing in Europe (which was the time of my life) I started questioning my technique. My teachers in Europe brought the technique back down...saying my voice was beautiful and just to let it flow out. It felt natural. Not as technically produced as I came in with when I would just let go and sing. But through this all I realized that I got too far into my head. I felt I should be this certain type of baritone. I should have this specific sound--which never seemed to be pleasing enough to my teacher--who I believe in some ways was a perfectionist because he wanted success for his students so badly. I thought I should be a certain way, I could only sing certain music, I couldn't switch styles, I should never go out and live, I should always be studying a score, always sacrificing, etc. This unhealthy thinking has continued...I've relinquished most of it. But constantly have to deal with it. Perhaps my disappointment in my being honest about questioning technique and being handed a card of hurt feelings and belief of lies was hard to deal with. However honesty is always the best policy. Throughout all of this I have learned more about my voice, and more importantly about myself.

When I think about how difficult some parts of my journey have been thus far, I've often wanted to cry thinking it is hopeless! Now I feel the ability to truly let go of things. To be the child I was when I did all kinds of things. There's nothing to fear. Everyone will have different opinions, but in the end we choose our own happiness and journey. Just like my parents saying "you should have a fall back career," or a teacher saying "there's something different about your voice I think we need to push this down and do this..." we MUST take that with a grain of salt. It proves that we cannot follow their journeys, but only learn from what they tell us, eh?

Here I am sitting at my desk at my day job. It's great. I have a salary, benefits, and time off. I work with amazing people. It's true there are days when sitting at the desk all day makes me want to shove bamboo under my nails. It's true I often wish I could be busy. But it allows me to be in a job where I'm not constantly traveling, running around, or always stressed and tired. It allows me to look through music, read, or do whatever I need during the day...it allows me the ability to pay my bills, and continue to strive for what I want to do. I've been in NYC almost a year and have been in two NYC shows, have a professional singing gig, will be singing a role in a NYC premiere of an opera, and made so many wonderful friends and a relationship people envy. I'm SUPER blessed to be where I'm at at this time. When I look back I'm glad I didn't play sports. I'm glad I never tried to fit in during that period of my life, and when I tried to I see why it failed. I get updates occasionally on some people from high school. People will occasionally befriend me on myspace or facebook. People I haven't spoken to or thought of in years. I find it funny to hear stories of the popular girl or guy who I remember always shining, always seeming to be full of life and dreams--and what's ironic is when I hear they have married (some multiple times), have 5 kids, live in a trailer park, and work making minimum wage or a little above. And even more so these people who were the object of sexual desire in the school have gained weight here and there--some more than others. It makes me laugh a little on the inside...and in some ways makes me want to give a big resounding FUCK YOU to all those people who called me a fag or some other amazingly insulting name. I want to scream FUCK YOU--here I am and there you are! But then I realize I have to let that go. Everyone's journey is different. Perhaps they're happy--perhaps they never want to leave small town Ohio. That's fine.

While at times I get itchy to do what I really want to do 24/7 I have to remember patience is the key. To answer the question as of what would I do differently? In reality I can't go back. If I could I would have studied theatre 100%, or English, or Business. And then skipped straight ahead to a trade such as massage therapist or yoga instructor. Doing something that would allow me to set my own schedule while making an income trying to be a performing artist. That wasn't my journey. I chose and my world was shaken-there you have it. So what, right? We can plan only so much-and then we have to just let fate take over. That was my answer to the person I spoke to today. Simply that you can't plan too much. I think she thought I was being vague, as often people do. I've been told it's not the proactive choice to take-when in fact I think it's the most active choice one can take at any time. To just let go and let things happen. Why would I try to continue pushing things in my life? It doesn't work. Tonight I start practicing fully again. I coach this week. I'm nervous because all of these thoughts are swirling through my head from the past. This vocal image that I think I should have...WILL I BE ABLE TO FULFILL THAT? WILL I BE EXTREMELY RUSTY? WHAT IS MY FACH? WAS I CRAZY TO THINK I WAS MAYBE A TENOR WHEN I COULD LEGITIMATELY BE A TRUE LYRIC BARITONE? WHAT REP SHOULD I BE DOING? HOW CAN I SING M.T. AND ALSO BE VERSATILE AND AGILE ENOUGH TO STILL KEEP MY OPERA CHOPS GOING? WHAT IF I AM ALWAYS REJECTED IN BOTH? AM I EVER GOING TO BE FREE FROM MY THOUGHTS? WHAT IF I'VE DAMAGED MY VOICE? This is the dialogue...I'm living with it, accepting the questions, and choosing to live the answers. I wrote earlier on a piece of paper that ANY utterance of sound that comes out of me MUST come with purpose of some kind. There has to be a reason or motivation that it is coming out. Otherwise there is no point.

Life changes. You can't plan too much. You can't listen too much. Feel more. Wax on, wax off. Winter/Spring will hopefully bring an enlightening artistic period of continuing to just do by experimenting and studying a bit more. The decisions will be made. We move in a couple of weeks. So many wonderful changes that I cannot wait for. The journey continues. I must write and will write a book someday.

For now-

This morning

2008-08-29T11:20:00.002-04:00

I got off the R and was making my transfer to the 4/5 at 59th & Lexington. I've seen some interesting sights but nothing like I was about to see. A man was standing in front of the main stairs leading up to the 6 train. He had a hospital gown on, hospital pants, and a band on his wrist. He appeared to have literally walked right out of a hospital bed. He was a holding a sign that read "HIV positive, PLEASE HELP!" WHAT?! I couldn't believe it. It's 2008 and there is a man who is obviously having some kind of problems standing in the middle of the subway station telling people he is HIV positive and needs help. I found it very disheartening and I kept thinking about it on the train. What bothered me the most was that I really don't believe he had HIV. Potentially this could be a ploy to get more money. It probably was in fact. There are places in the city that will help people with HIV--homeless people at that. That is a known fact! It bothered me that someone could possibly stoop so low as to lie like that...I'm perplexed by people in these positions. I have so many questions...I really hope one day homelessness in our own country is total thing of the past. For now it's a constant.

I watched Obama's speech. I was inspired. I truly believe his words were purely spoke out of the depths of his heart. His words for for the middle class, the working people, the elderly, and everyone else who has had to work for where they are in life. I refuse to think negatively about this election. I refuse to give any power to the negative energy that many crazy makers will put out there. It's time for change, we all know this. Things need to change. This is a huge turning point in our country, and in our lives. We should not look back but look forward. I refuse to be a negative person any more--releasing energy that shouldn't be there. My mother tells me that we create our own happiness, our own joy, and our own bliss. I'm going to do that. I'm done letting other energies come into my life. WE MUST BE THE CHANGE WE WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD! Life is too short. Out of all my affirmations that I do on a daily basis the one that always gives me goose bumps is the following: "Money, though necessary, isn't all of life. It's just a system that we have created on this planet-a rather stupid one at that. You can't take it with you...so it is NOT a priority." So much evolves around money---this affirmation has helped me so much. One small negative thought of "oh my bank balance is low" can literally ruin an entire day. Today begins the gratitude day....once again...I'm going to make myself type this every day. Something...at least one thing...that makes me happy or that I'm grateful for. I so wish others would do this!!!

Today I'm thankful for:

1) The clothes on my back

2) Bagel day at work

3) Pay day

4) A half day

5) That I have the opportunity to wake up in the morning and kiss someone who I love more than anything else.

6) A weekend trip

7) Good friends

8) Supportive family

9) Inspiring speeches from political leaders

10) FRIDAY!

XOXOO

Justin

Grrrr

2008-08-26T16:16:00.004-04:00

People who say "I'm not going to vote because either way we are screwed" need to be shipped out of this country and put into a place where they have NO rights to choose anything! They have NO healthcare, VERY little income, no freedom of speech, and have nothing to their own name. I think if they lived in a place like this they might be grateful to be in a country where they have the opportunity to vote for a change. We take so much for granted in this country. We can truly change everything we want-it's OUR country. These people who say they won't vote or who send out these terrible vibes of "nothing will change" are hurting the collective conscious that is ready for change!!!! Stop thinking negatively--get off your lazy fat ass and try to think positively for once! We must be the change we want to see!! Regardless of parties-you MUST be involved in this election! This is a huge chance to change things!! Suck it up we can make things better!

I'm oh so proud to be an American!

--Justin

Mmmm recollections and more

2008-08-26T09:21:00.003-04:00

This morning I wore short sleeves...I was certain that because of the bright sun that was coming into my window that it was going to be humid and hot as it was yesterday. I opted to wear a short sleeve polo today. Not my typical pick. I really hate polos actually. I don't think they are flattering on me at all. In fact the older I get the more set in my ways I get about style. Right now is this terrible "I NEED A NEW WARDROBE!" phase. I'm purposely waiting for a few months before that happens. Why? Because of love fall...but I digress....so I wear a polo today. I walk outside and it's actually a tad chilly. Of course the day I don't wear long sleeves it's actually cool. Go figure. BEcause honestly on a day after I pigged out at Blockheads with food AND had three margaritas I'm feeling the next day bloat. I would never opt to wear something I feel totally uncomfortable in. But whatever--those are my issues. Honestly if I could wear gym shorts, a hat, and a hoody every day I would be in HEAVEN! SO comfortable. Unfortunately the corporate world doesn't share my point of view on that. :-(

I got to the train a few minutes late this morning and of course there are tons of people waiting for the train--which means one hasn't come in the past 10 minutes--which MEANS the train that will be coming will be completely packed and everyone will have to jam into a small car and it's going to be the most uncomfortable ride. Sure enough I was right. The train car smelled so strongly of body odor it was disgusting! I couldn't believe how gross it was. It's on these days that I truly miss hopping into my little car and driving to the office...listening to my music, etc. Wouldn't that be nice.

I was thinking the other day...on August 31 it will have been a full year since I've left BG. It's crazy to me to think that an entire year has passed. This time last year I was packing and getting ready to say so many goodbyes. Preparing myself for that was one of the toughest things. Leaving the place I knew for 7 years...the place that essentially became my home. It was so difficult. A year ago I couldn't imagine what my life would ever shape into, what it would become, and where I would end up. When I left that day there were many tears, many kind words said, things that meant the world to me. That long drive back to my parents-knowing I was truly saying goodbye to that life-was the hardest thing. And after that...my weekend before coming to New York was the hardest. Yet I made the decision-it had to happen. I've kept in touch with the people who have chosen to also make an effort to stay in touch with me. It's funny that time goes on and we forget about those tears and forget about all of what made us sad. I guess that makes us human-when we're saying goodbye we don't want to let go. We eventually do let go because we have to move on. It's the beauty of life. I'm so happy to be where I'm at in my life right now. I'm surrounded by people who love me and who I love--I'm doing what I want to do--I'm paying the bills--I have found my soul mate--I'm happy. Life is so beautiful....

Justin

Really?

2008-08-25T12:21:00.001-04:00

Has it really been almost two years since I've been out of school? That's just insane!

Monday

2008-08-25T09:35:00.003-04:00

Yeah so today I needed a message that I put in my "important" folder.

Somehow this went missing.

UGH!

Frustrating way to start a Friday.

Still continuing to try and grasp a balance as always!! There are many things hopping on my plate. And the more I let go the easier things seem to happen.

More to come soon...

not in the mood to blog lately.

Sorry.

UGH! For real!

2008-08-19T16:51:00.002-04:00

Motivation is tough for me sometimes. I feel like I just can't seem to get the muck out of mind on certain days. I think Tuesdays can be the worst. I certainly don't want to become one of those people who is living for the weekend and cannot wait for the weekend. That misses the mark of life I believe. But days like today I long to be in my bed on Saturday morning sleeping. I'm dealing with a lot of balance issues these days. Perhaps because so much is in limbo all the time lately. I know after October 1 a lot will be changing--for the better. My living arrangement will be completely changed. This is something I'm very much looking forward to. I feel that for so long things in my life have been "temporary." I'm looking forward to living with Greg and knowing that we will be there until we get the apartment we want on the Upper West Side near the park. :-) That could be a while...but it will happen.

Anyways. There's always a very un-alive feeling I get some days. I have a wonderful day job. I'm very fortunate and blessed to have this opportunity. Some days sitting on my ass gets to be exhausting. And while yes I do bring other things to work on (the advantage)--it's hard because I do have to work sometimes to stay alert at the desk because people constantly come by. There are times I think I should be on my feet more--but then I'm sure I would complain then. It's the human problem--searching for perfection, which doesn't exist! I've got to deal with what's going on NOW. Anyways...also career wise things are just kind of blah. I feel lost & like I'm searching. Or am I really? I don't know. I'm STILL after over a year of being out of school searching for the motivation within myself! Rather than being forced to do something. That's a truly tough one. I'm relieving some pressure in my mind from myself until rehearsals for cameleon begin in September.

Off to the gym....then to a fitting...

can't wait to get home and take a damn nap.

-J.

suoni...

2008-08-11T14:42:00.002-04:00

I had a dream the other night. I'm still trying to figure it out.

I was making my baked ziti...

when all of the sudden I was at a restaurant with my boy and we were talking

the people kept handing us plates

I kept saying "NO I NEED A FULL SERVING DISH OF THIS STUFF!!

Then all of the sudden we were in Italy.

Urbania Italy-where I lived.

It was nuts.

We were in Hakuna Matata and then Cafe Centrale.

I couldn't believe it!

I didn't know how we got there and more importantly in my dream how the hell we would get back!

I remember panicking because I had to work the next day. And my friend Giulia (who lives there) was telling me it would take two full weeks. I freaked out. Greg freaked out.

Then all of the sudden my Australian friend David was there and we were talking...

and then we took a motorcycle ride around the city.

All of the sudden then too I was sad.

I missed it...

I kept remembering the summer I spent there.

It was crazy.

I do miss Italy.

A lot.

Need this....

2008-08-04T16:55:00.001-04:00

"I worried too much about tomorrow...I thought the world could be perfect. I was wrong!"

--Sunday in the Park With George

Monday Monday...So Good to Me

2008-08-04T09:14:00.003-04:00

After sleeping about 10 hours yesterday I had a difficult time getting up.

Good weekend

Busy weekend.

Back to the grind & constantly trying to figure things out-

where I am

what I'm doing

and constantly stop at the same time. Stop thinking and just start doing.

Stop worrying about time.

It's only an illusion anyways.

Patience-something I don't have enough of.

Wait, wait, wait--just do.

All will pay off.

**Justin

Wax on Wax off

2008-07-30T08:54:00.003-04:00

Typical of my life I mistakenly thought today was pay day-when in actuality it's not. Ugh!

One more day, right?

I'm still ever thankful that I have a steady income, money in a 401K, savings, and some cash to my name--however big or small. I'm thankful for this.

In reality though I'm trying to change my thoughts about all of this life stuff-particularly money.

If you think about it, it's this crazy system that humans have invented that has just become this complicated nightmare for most people. It has caused so much fighting. You can't take it with you, right? So I'm making myself stop thinking about it so damn much. My biggest goal in the next month is to NOT look at my 401k statement every week, to STOP analyzing and thinking about the future in terms of money so much, and just let it go. In general this is something I'm striving to do...just let go. Just breathe and let it all go. There's a balance that I actually have been finding-I need to trust that. Trust in the Universe, in God, and just let it all go.

I want to move forward and in doing so I'm finding myself at the edge of the diving board just wanting to dive right in, when I know that my form isn't exactly right yet. That has been a crutch and excuse for so long. Now I realize the proactive attitude that needs to be taken to actually get the right form. With the right form comes a wonderful, exciting, and correct dive that will have me bursting out of the water in no time. Trust and breathe...

My reality has been somewhat warped by fear for so many years. Fear of everything. Perhaps it's where I come from, or maybe it's in my genes. I've recognized it and now it's time to move on. I'm thankful that I have gained this knowledge about myself, and now patience is everything.

In the meantime I am thankful for so much that is happening in my life. The good friends that have come into my life, this relationship that has changed me for the better and having someone in my life who is so giving, warm, understanding, confident, patient, and everything else that I've ever wanted has been so life changing. I think back on the days when I was single sometimes. I think about those late nights out with friends, going home either alone or with someone--well so much less desirable. I think about the relationships in my life that haven't worked and now I totally understand why--because this is perfect. I'm so excited to kind of start over...or actually move ahead...it will be nice to have a cozy, comfy, and clean home. I'm so thankful for this opportunity! I'm thankful for so much right now, my life is abundant and full of joy!

Happy Hump Day! :)

-J

Always Tired

2008-07-25T09:45:00.002-04:00

Yet again I'm sleepy.

It has been a hell of a busy week.

My mood hopefully will lift soon.

I'm completely off of caffeine--

perhaps there's a LONG adjustment period to this.

Hopefully I can sleep in a bit this weekend.

The show was fun tonight.

Wax on, wax off.

Time to be creative

I'm a little spent...

Maybe some studio time will help?

--Justin

Rainy again!

2008-07-24T08:53:00.003-04:00

Today it's raining again...

I love how it barely rains and yet people decide to pop their umbrellas! It never ends. And yet most people have no clue that they should raise their damn umbrellas, I've resorted to just yelling at people when their umbrellas slam me in the face. So annoying.

Every day seems to get better and better in some ways here...the closer it gets to September the more I cannot believe I've been here an entire year. That year has literally flown by. I started thinking about it last night when Em was talking about her recent trip to Ohio and to BG. We were starving after the call back and she was talking about Paglieyes(sp), Myles, El Zarape, and Easy Street....four of my fav. places in BG to eat. It made me think of how much has changed in just a year, and how far away that time in my life seems. It just seems like a completely different world from what I'm in now. I have to say I'm proud of myself for the growth that has happened. It certainly hasn't always been easy, but it has been so enlightening to just expand and fly. There are few people who I miss, but life continues to just move on. I had a dream last night where I saw one of my best friends. I haven't seen her in almost a year--the longest we have ever gone without seeing one another. I feel like we've barely spoken to each other in that year-in fact we haven't really. A lot in the beginning, but only a couple of times in the winter. I never thought that would happen, but it did. Sometimes you need a bit of home...but...home is a different place with different people now.

Now it's back to work...

Maybe some more exciting news later...

Justin

Rainy Days & Mondays Always Get Me Down!

2008-07-21T08:55:00.003-04:00

I wish it were raining--then perhaps it would be at least five or ten degrees cooler. It's hot as hell here in the city. Just walking to the train in the morning and then doing one transfer causes me to break out in a furious sweat. It's disgusting...

Last Thursday night was magical. To be surprised and realize I am in loved in such a strong and true way is one of the most amazing things. Greg took me to The View...which is this revolving restaurant on the 48th floor of the Marriott Marquis. It makes a complete 360 showing you a fantastic view of the city in an hour. The food was amazing, the view was magical, but the company was the best part. My love continues to solidify itself and I continue to feel even more grounded in life mainly because of that. :) I can't wait until a couple of months from now--I just can't wait. I'm tired of living in a chaotic mess right now...all of that will be changing very soon.

The show went well and was fun this weekend...had an amazing dinner with Kerrie on Saturday and then a great time in the studio after that for a few hours. Ahhh....

I didn't get my coffee this morning. Somehow I'm going to get some.

Love

Justin

Thursday

2008-07-17T11:35:00.002-04:00

6 Months...

Has it been that long?

I can't believe it.

Not a long time? Not really...but wow.

I love landmark kind of dates.

:) I'm so happy.

I'm tired too lately.

Not sleeping well or getting to sleep.

Some of it is in my head.

Gotta get that to stop.

For now I smile...

I can't wait for tonight!

--Justin

While it's fresh...

2008-07-14T08:46:00.003-04:00

The MTA really pisses me off. I'm sure it does a lot of other people as well. WHY do the trains have to run on a different schedule on the weekend?!?!?! Ok I can deal with that...

did they somehow FORGET that it's MONDAY?!?!?!?!? I get to the stop a little later than normal but know that there is usually an R right at 8:07 and I will still get to work ON TIME as long as I get this and do a little bit of brisk walking. 8:14 and of course the station is PACKED---NOT A GOOD SIGN!!!!!! Of course the V train arrives. It is jam packed full of people. I get in...my arms losing circulation trying to hold my bags and also hold the nearest bar which seems far away because there are so many people. The train moves slower than sin first of all...then stops for 5 minutes at the next to last stop. "Train traffic ahead!!!" BULLSHIT!!!!!! FINALLY we get to my stop...of course people are pushing and angry all morning....whatever. I hop onto the six. Then of course you have 5 or 6 people last minute holding the damn doors open so they can get in. I had my headphones on...but didn't realize that what I was thinking was coming out of my mouth...evidentally something like "YOU PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES" came out....as several people around me looked...and then a guy got up out of his seat and started yelling at those people....I mean screaming at them....I felt bad because I probably started something-but it serves them right. Assholes.

As I get out I hear someone say that the R service was suspended in the morning...WHY WAS this NOT announced?!?!? I'm going to start making it a habit of going to the web site to see if there are any service changes. But who knows if it will be accurate. As I'm riding I see one of MTA's cheesy signs saying how green they are and that they're proud. I'm so happy they're green....but please run MORE trains and get people to where they need to be ON TIME!

Ahhhh public transportation. It's still better than paying gas, car insurance, car payment...etc...but GOD this morning I would have done anything to just been back to the days when I hopped in my quiet, clean car and drove to work.

C'est la vie.

--Justin

All the same...

2008-07-09T12:07:00.002-04:00

Today I find myself tired and wishing I was in bed as always.

Not sure if it's just that I can't discipline myself to get into bed at a good time...or if it's just that I get a second wind once I get home and suddenly forget what it feels like the next morning.

Or is it all in my head?

I think that's part of it. This part of me that things because I don't get 10 hours of sleep that I'm drained....tired...and just wearing myself out. I know it's crazy. Today is one of those days. I am tired...and I really need to start getting at least a full 8 hours rather than a full 6 or 6 1/2 hours. My mojo is finally almost all back. I'm not questioning my realities any more--THANK GOD! Always have to keep that in check.

Things I'm thankful for today:

1. All of last week...it was fantastic and I wish it could be like that almost all of the time.

2. Having money--whether it's only a little or a lot.

3. Getting to work safe.

4. Not having to drive to work and spend $$$ on gas.

5. Sweet kisses in the morning.

6. Those two cups of decaff. coffee that I have every morning.

I know there's more...but suddenly I'm distracted by offering ideas for cabaret music. :)

Justin

Today

2008-07-07T10:29:00.001-04:00

Today my back hurts on the right side...

I pulled something

probably during sex last night.

Who knows..

anyways...

AMAZING weekend!

Surrounded by friends and food.

Weekends like this remind me that I'm alive.

I love it.

Today is a short one.

Not feeling it right now.

Perhaps later.

Justin

Question

2008-07-02T15:54:00.000-04:00

So Victoria Clark...who I adore...supposedly made her Broadway debut in the original Sunday in the Park With George back in '85. Ummm....does anyone know what character she played? I can't seem to find ANYTHING about her in this production. Yes I have checked IBDB.

???!?!?

Curious--

Justin

Missing

2008-06-26T16:40:00.002-04:00

Ran across a video of an entire tour of where I lived for a while in Italy. It made me miss the place...remember the culture...the food...the friends...the performances....God it seems like forever ago...there were many long walks & talks late night on these streets with Bernard. And many a drunken nights walking home from Cafe Centrale.
*sigh*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxvqmUsBB4c

Quote of the Day

2008-06-26T15:36:00.000-04:00

Based on recent forecasts in the news...the following quote is very true....

"this is the end of air travel as we know it..." ---my friend Kim Thompson @ 3:34 P.M. She's a genius.

-Peace

Justin

Sand

2008-06-26T13:52:00.002-04:00

Today after being grumpy for over 24 hours...

my boyfriend said that I had sand up my vagina.

That made me laugh...

that combined with my amazing lunch workout made me feel better.

The world is well again.

Motivation

2008-06-26T11:52:00.000-04:00

Today I'm still playing the tennis game...

only I see that it's slowing down

I'm losing momentum with caring to watch.

It's wrong..

I should...

this happens mid-week.

I WILL feel better.

The gym WILL pick me up!

Justin

Reevaluating....

2008-06-25T10:24:00.003-04:00

Yeah things slip through the cracks sometimes with me-what can I say...I'm human. I'm going to hold myself accountable this time-totally accountable. I am going to for real quit smoking--I'm determined. It's an awful habit...blah blah. There are so many reasons. I start and then I don't follow through--I either try to do it all at once, which helps to set one up for failure...or I plan it out and stop following through after about a week. So publicly outlining my plan of action perhaps will help me be help more accountable:

Quit Date (this is the actual beginning of full recovery and NO smoking): July 13th, 2008

PLAN of action:

June 25, 26, & 27th:

**Start breaking habits again. No cigarettes before getting on the train in the morning. Can have one ONLY before getting into the office-once I've arrived. But NONE before.

**Write down a list of reasons why I'm quitting-and the benefits. Pull this out every free moment and read it-reminding myself of why I'm doing this.

**No cigarettes before the gym.

**No cigarettes before the ride home...only one when I get to the apartment.

**Wait 30 minutes after eating before having cigarette.

June 27th, 28th, 29th:

**Continue with the habit breakers used previously. Since it's the weekend...wait to have first cigarette at least an hour after being awake.

**Wait 40 minutes after eating before having a cigarette.

**Drink water at the onset of having a craving and do some deep breathing exercises

**Make note of every urge to smoke and remind myself why I want to quit

June 30th, July 1st-6th:

** No cigarettes before 11 every day.

** Constantly review reasons why quitting and positive affirmations

**No smoking during the day except 11:00 & 4:00 breaks

**Completely eliminate cigarette intake when get off train going home.

**No smoking until later in the early evening.

**No smoking after 9 p.m.

**Limit total intake to around 5-8 a day or less.

**Really practice this week resisting cravings with deep breathing, drinking water, and distractions--also increasing amount of physical exercise.

July 7th-12:

**Constantly remind self why quitting by reviewing list.

**Really continue to get deeper in resisting cravings and finding more distractions.

**Constant reminder of the number of days it takes to break a habit.

**Positive thinking

**No cigarettes during the day at work on breaks or anything.

**Only between 1-5 a day allotted

Yeah...

2008-06-24T14:26:00.002-04:00

Our country...

regardless of what you say is too divided.

I've heard way too much today about things Obama has said

he said

she said

they said....

I'm so sick of it.

I was raised in a church life. Every Sunday we went to church, every sunday evening, every Wed. evening...always the same. The denomination was non-denominational/pentecostal. My father was a member (still is) of the ministry. All my life I was surrounded by scripture, long services, sermons that were touching, sermons that were hell bent, and prayers and meetings that would scare anyone who didn't know any better away. I started questioning things when I turned 16. Inevitably this was just not acceptable...how dare I question the existence of the ALMIGHTY--ALL-FEARING God. But I did. I had had it up to my neck with the same shit every week. Hearing and knowing about all the corruption, bickering, and terrible things that go on within the walls of a ministry. I have many stories that could frighten you away from church for forever. When I left the nest I stopped going altogether...I would pick up on occasion when my guilt was strong enough. I realized a couple of years ago that what I do is a personal choice...what anyone does is a personal choice...and I also realized just how insane radical christianity can be and how harmful it can actually be if taught the wrong way. I was taught hate in many ways....sure we can sugar coat it by saying "those people aren't children of God..." blah blah...but deep down it was always judging and being judgmental. One should never drink alcohol, curse, smoke, have sex before marriage, be homosexual, or even think lustful thoughts--otherwise you're going to go to hell. The teachings were basically a live your life this way, accept Jesus as your savior, be filled with the spirit, and you'll go to heaven and be happy and be with the Lord. From my experience they seem to totally forget the positive messages that Jesus taught...they way he spoke....the peace he offered....it's gloom and doom to them. And now in this day when I feel our country is so divided mainly because of people who teach this way and believe EVERYONE should believe the same way--I get frustrated and angry.Yes the Bible says to let your light shine before men---but it doesn't say...let your light be a flame to ignite judgment and fear! I mean wasn't Jesus the perfect example of man?? THE PERFECT man!

After many years of growing up...talking with therapists...studying...and yes praying...I feel confident in my ever growing faith. I believe in God, yes. I'm not going to judge another person--what another person does is none of my business. There are laws that are common that I feel are just common sense...don't kill anyone, be good natured...love one another...don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat...etc....etc.....What Obama said recently makes sense to me...if you haven't read it go read it....James Dodson's Focus On the Family is ridiculously fighting him on what he said....trying yet again to pull the extreme radical conservative votes. It's ridiculous.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Revolving

2008-06-24T08:59:00.002-04:00

This morning on the train I felt happier than I have in a while--

a sudden burst of wonderful energy hit me last evening-not sure exactly what it was.

Exploring the inner child could be the cause, I hope so at least.

It's a dark world today; the news is nothing but gloom and doom-always.

Today I feel I've begun to press through that--

having to remind myself to always evolve

always move

things change

life is fleeting--

enjoy it--

stop worrying about it--

just keep going.

Here's to moving...

Justin

Lifetime movies

2008-06-23T08:56:00.002-04:00

You know you've had a good weekend

when you watch two lifetime movies in a row.

I know I have hit the ultimate point of "I can really relax"

when I can sit and actually get sucked into two lifetime movies and not turn them off.

Thus was my weekend.

Amazing weekend.

Friday was spent upstate--

an amazing and wonderful evening with three of my favorite people in the world...

One of them prepared the most amazing dinner and hosted the best party.

It was bliss...

the beauty of the mountains..

everything...

just being able to be mellow and chill--that was the best.

Saturday came back..

did nothing...which was heaven.

Slept in tons all weekend.

Finally am caught up.

Yesterday lifetime was our friend...

cooking...

working out...

sex...

sleeping...

it was heaven.

I'm so thankful for a wonderful weekend...

Today I'm just trying to hang onto that energy...

forever.

Quote

2008-06-20T11:59:00.001-04:00

I really liked this...

"Not all who wander are lost." -J.R.R. Tolkien

This looked interesting...

2008-06-20T11:31:00.002-04:00

Perspective is good I suppose...so a friend sent me this and I've decided to post my responses:

10 years ago...

Was 1998 and I think I had been driving for a few months. I started a summer job, was going into my junior year in high school....loved the summer because it meant I was doing theatre EVERY damn night or rehearsing for something. This was the summer I did The Glass Menagerie---WAY too young, but God that was an amazing experience.

5 years ago...
2003....going into my senior year in college. Living with Jodie...we had our own place that we just moved into that was great on Scott Hamilton. Worked all summer, had fun, partied, and just was care free.

5 months ago...

I had just brought my stuff physically to NYC from Ohio after being here for 4 months....finished a show...and was having a good time...I met Greg.....nothing else matters.

5 things on my to-do list tomorrow...

1. Maybe go to the beach when we get back from Kims.
2. Relax
3. Help Greg with laundry
4. Do more of my workbook
5. relax more

5 things I would suddenly do if I were a billionaire...

1. Pay off all of my debt and help my parents retire and pay off a few close ones debts.
2. put a lot of it away and pretend it didn't exist
3. buy an apartment in the city and a house in the country and not have a mortgage!
4. shopping sprees at: Barnes and Noble, Target, Express, Gap, and Pottery Barn
5. pay for all friends to come to our kick ass wedding.

5 bad habits...

1. fear
2. procrastination
3. time management
4. nicotine
5. fear again.

5 places I've lived (at least for a month)...

1. New York, NY
2. Zanesville, OH
3. Bowling Green, OH
4. Urbania, Italy
5. Coesfeld, Germany

5 things people don't know about me...

1. I can be very moody.
2. I don't like junk food and sweets.
3. I LOVE to cook.
4. I have anxiety issues
5. I'm addicted to perezhilton.com

On a positive note...

2008-06-18T10:48:00.002-04:00

I saw a quote today that I had seen frequently...and I remember always thinking that it couldn't possibly be true. The quote was something like this:

"One day you will meet someone who will make you realize why none of the others worked out."

Well that one day has been happening officially for 5 months now! All that cheesy stuff you're told--well it's true. I'm in love--totally.

Justin

This PISSES me off!

2008-06-18T08:42:00.004-04:00

This morning...I find this online...this was actually being sold at a Republican convention. Are there idiots who are really still this ignorant!???!? I suppose so. It's very sad. It's not simply the issues of race but also issues of other minorities and their acceptance. Right now people are protesting the gay marriage in California--this I just find appalling!! I find it crazy that because I love someone I don't have the same rights as others because they simply believe it to be immoral. Moral or not...let us all be equal...you mind your business and I will mind my own.

Grrrrr!

A friendlier blog will be following shortly.

--Justin

When is enough enough?

2008-06-16T11:34:00.003-04:00

I'm tired today-

simply exhausted.

Hopefully throughout this I will get the inspiration to put what I'm thankful for.

I go to the doctor this afternoon.

I've been battling something off and on for a while now. Primarily I keep having sever anxiety issues. I'm not sure what's going on-but today I'm going to begin to find the cause of it.

A sinus or middle ear infection could be to blame, which is my gut instinct.

I sat at my desk last week in the middle of the week ready to crawl out of my skin because I couldn't focus on anything--

my mind kept wondering...

kept moving...

over..

and over-it wouldn't stop.

"Am I having a panic attack?!?"

"OH GOD What if I have a panic attack at WORK!?? How embarrassing!!!!!"

The FEAR of this has been driving me nuts.

This my friends is why Justin Randolph doesn't smoke pot, do other drugs, or drink in excess--he CANNOT handle feeling like he has no control over his mind.

Then I have to wonder if this is the current production of me attempting to "get out of the way of myself..." I'm losing control...and in an effort to grip I have been freaking out.

No.

Something is wrong.

Whether I have panic disorder, anxiety disorder, an ear infection, sinus infection, etc, etc I don't know.

Finding the mo-jo is tough these days.

Today I go through my bank account...

doing better than I have ever done--

however the bills continue to pile up.

The fucking mutual funds continue to be an issue on a daily basis because of my past identity theft.

One thing after another just seems to come up.

I want my mo-jo back...

but it's hard.

Am I becoming jaded to real life?

Am I sick of crappy art?

Did I peak?

Did I lose all confidence?

Was it all a waste?

What the fuck am I doing?

Why are we here?

Those are the questions constantly...

And in the meantime ALL I WANT IS THE FOLLOWING TWO THINGS:

1) A full day & night ALONE with my boyfriend!

2) A day where I can SLEEP in late and do NOTHING...not leave the apartment ONCE!

I remind myself daily that it's about love-it's about connection-living-and taking what you can out of life.

I've gotten so wrapped up in life that I haven't been living one.

I'm in the best relationship of my life-I am stable and sound in many ways-yet why do I still feel "blah?"

I feel like I've read too many self help books...

too many Eckhart Tolle days-

it exhausts me at a point. There's a point where I don't feel like thinking about it.

There are times I miss those days...

the days when it was all about the love of what you're doing...

I'm not in the moment.

This should change soon.

Negative blog?

Yes.

I'm accepting my thoughts and feelings today.

Not trying to push them out.

Tomorrow should be a better day.

-Justin

Early Morning

2008-06-12T07:59:00.003-04:00

Got in earlier this morning. Haven't done this in a while:

Today I'm thankful for-

1. The feeling I get when I walk into my room after I'm done getting ready and I look at my love sleeping.

2. Waking up in an air conditioned room.

3. Walking into an office that's air conditioned.

4. Having time to grab Starbucks this morning.

5. Pay day tomorrow!!!!!

6. Having a job at a time when the economy is terrible.

7. Knowing I'm seeing family this weekend.

8. Getting my "mo-jo" back!

9. For becoming more of a morning person.

10. For upcoming things that are wonderful!

11. For good friends.

12. For people who care about me.

13. For the most amazing boyfriend ever.

14. For the weather starting to get cooler.

15. For only six months until Christmas.

16. For only 3 months since I've been living in NYC for a year--I survived!!!

17. For my voice returning to me and being patient with me even when my mind wants to allow the children in the back seat to drive.

18. For good, amazing, wonderful, and beautiful sex all week!!! :)

Justin

Ahr

2008-06-09T09:35:00.003-04:00

Sunday in the Park With George-2nd time...even more amazing.

She was as good as Bernadette-never thought I'd say that.

I'm exhausted.

Love my parents-

exhausted from a busy week.

Felt grumpy most of the week.

This morning ok.

Stepping into my A.C. room tonight

cuddling with my love all night--

it's a dream.

I can't wait.

I'm in love-

truly, madly, deeply--in love.

I'm not running from my fears anymore

they are a part of me

not controlling me

no longer pulling back

I have done this with everything in my life-

an example I saw

every day for 5 days.

It scared me.

I could see myself doing that.

No more.

Full force of everything.

For now...

I will sit at the desk

and dream of this evening.

Justin

Yes.

2008-06-04T12:22:00.000-04:00

These are just the beginning! :) Enjoy.

Subway Stuff

2008-06-02T18:00:00.002-04:00

Get ready...
new video blog coming soon featuring me and my friend Doug. Daily/Weekly installments...
for pure entertainment/artistic/release sake.
Tomorrow the first one should be posted on youtube and then here. We're working on editing and getting a domain. Keep your eyes posted.

Justin

Alarm clock

2008-05-27T09:18:00.002-04:00

This morning my alarm went off

I must have changed it about 10 times. It was so hard to get up after sleeping in this weekend and having such a wonderful weekend. Today I am SO thankful for:

1. An amazing weekend spent with two of my best friends and the love of my life.

2. Perfect weather this weekend.

3. Amazing food all weekend.

4. Amazing conversations.

5. Many perfect moments with Greg this weekend.

6. Clarity.

7. Being present.

8. Getting sleep.

9. Having many realizations.

10. Being supported.

11. Having money in my account.

12. Getting tan.

13. Making it to work on time.

14. Adjusting to being back in the city rather quickly.

15. The man who hands out the free paper outside of Grand Central every day saying Good Morning to everyone.

16. Drunk messages from Jodie.

17. Feeling good today.

18. Having "steady income"

19. Not paying anything for coffee this morning.

20. Being happy.

Justin

Sigh

2008-05-23T08:40:00.002-04:00

So I have much to be thankful for. I'm happy today is Friday--the beginning of a long weekend. I'm so happy about that. I'm thankful for Grey's Anatomy being the most kick ass episode in the world last night. Holy cow!!!! Seriously faboo!

Anyways...

For some reason during the latter part of this week I've been experiencing what appear to be mini panic attacks. I haven't spoken about this to anyone all week and I feel blogging about it can only help me to get those thoughts out there. They've been coming at odd times. This morning on the train I was fine and then half way through the ride I felt my heart beating fast. I feel they are more serious and heavy anxiety than anything. I'm not totally sure why. On Wed. I went to the chiropractor. When I laid on the table to get my back worked on by the electronic things I was left alone in the room and suddenly felt anxious and had the hardest time letting go and not being panicky. This bled into me being at work and sitting at the desk doing research on anxiety and panic disorder--so at that point I read myself into having almost a full blown attack. I had to shut off the screen, turn on music, and go to the bathroom. I realized that my coffee consumption this week has been higher than normal. I had cut WAY back and suddenly without reason I picked back a lot of my consumption. I realized that that morning I had a Venti (large) half decaf and half regular from starbucks, and then two full regular small cups of coffee...and then proceeded without thinking to have a Venti (large) non-fat iced chai which has almost more caffeine than 4 cups of coffee. Ok so the problem was that. Now it's all in my head again....worrying that I'll just lose my shit...when in reality I know that's not going to happen at all. I know I'm fine but I'm just experiencing some kind of weird reaction to my body and the changes its going through. I honestly cannot ingest too much of anything be it food or drink because I think it mucks my mind up. I know my limitations so I need to stick with them.

In doing a lot of this soul searching and internal work lately I've read and heard that many people experience this type of thing while they let go of the control they feel they have on their lives. I truly believe this is me. I need to continue to tell myself that what I'm doing is right and that I'm fine and to keep letting go more and more.

Also seeing a shrink will help....:)

Have a great weekend to anyone who reads this.

Justin

Awakening

2008-05-21T11:17:00.002-04:00

I recently finished Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth." At first it took me a while to get into it, my mind was cluttered with too much information. I read "The Power of Now" which he had written a while back, and found the information incredibly enlightening and powerful. I do recommend "A New Earth" to anyone seeking some new ideas, enlightenment, or an "ah-ha!" moment. I certainly had quite a few of those moments in the reading. I didn't find the book to be dogmatic in any way, and because of my past I have to be careful of that. At any case I've found all of this to be wonderful reiteration of the reality of what I've known for some time.

About 5 years ago I was about to finish undergrad and I was home during Christmas break. My mother was out of town for the holiday and I had the house to myself for over a week. I would drive to my dad and step mom's or sister's house but otherwise I relished in the quiet alone time. During this period of time I was terribly unhappy. I was doing a lot of painful writing, soul searching, and agonizing over my future. I had no idea what to do, where to go, or where I wanted to go. I had just purchased my first lap top and decided this would be a good time to start journaling. One particular evening I found myself depressed, bored, and lonely. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I was waiting for this happiness that I just wasn't feeling. I kept trying to fill the voids by getting into a relationship, getting in a good grad school, being the best performer I could be, making myself busy, etc. This particular evening it hit a head. I began to write. My thoughts poured from deep within me. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stop smoking, couldn't consistently feel good about my work, why I was having vocal problems, why I was over weight, etc. Finally I had an "ah ha!" moment while writing. Even then in the mess I was I realized that the problem was that I wasn't living directly in the moment. I was thinking ahead or in the past. I kept thinking..."if I can get into X school or X place I will have a career and then I will be happy and will be set....if I am in a relationship I will be fulfilled and I will stop feeling like I'm all over the place...if only I could focus more while practicing I would sound like X Person or Y person..." I suddenly had the realization that there were too many future variables and ifs within everything I was thinking. I was living for that instead of now, and because of that my now was miserable and I wasn't getting anything done anyways. I was making myself miserable because I was projecting into the future too much. I realized this five years ago....and yet throughout the past three years have still struggled with it. Why? Because it is one of the hardest things to overcome--the ego. The ego has an extreme need to feel miserable, to make you project into the future, etc. Reading this book was just a final realization that this will be the only thing to work for me. I HAVE to live in the moment, awaken, and realize that now is all we have. I've been working very hard at this off and on now for a week. I've finally committed to do this fully. It's not easy at first but I truly believe the present has power unseen. I think back (which I shouldn't do) at the times so far in my life when I've suffered with my own mind...not feeling good enough...being in bad relationships...being frustrated....making extreme plans for the future....etc. I can only look back in amazement that I really didn't know anything. Now is the time move on and focus on what now has to offer. I'm challenged by this every day as I step onto a crowded train, am running into the office, am working with changing vocal fachs, am struggling with nicotine addiction, enjoy the benefits of a healthy and loving relationship....I'm challenged....and yet in the present this is what it is. It's here. Enjoy it. I'm going to. From now on.

Justin

Refresh

2008-05-20T11:39:00.002-04:00

Somedays we just need a reminder. I'm posting this from a blog several months ago....still very true. I need to be reminded:

"The only constant is change" is my new stolen motto. Change is constant, change is good, and I will relish in the moments of change because life is always moving. Being an honest, sharing, open, kind, and genuinely grounded person is at the forefront of my mind. I'm an artist-this will never change. Material that means something to me is what I choose to do. Having an open mind about all genres of art is a daily affirmation. Living and loving my art and those around me is essential. Letting go of the past, past voices, past fears, past control, past loves, and everything else that is in the way of constant motion is something to be done daily. Mediocrity has no place in my life anymore whether from friends, colleagues, or myself-it's just unacceptable-period. Connection and being constantly present and awakening daily are essential to my daily diet. Running from connecting with people or following through with connections is not a trait to be tolerated. This is my constant change. "

Justin

Today

2008-05-19T11:14:00.002-04:00

Change remains the only constant--thankfully! Today I'm thankful for much...especially in a world where politics and talk of recession, financial depression, and gloom are running crazy. I'm thankful for:

1) Waking up in a pretty good mood.

2) Even though I didn't have hot water for at least being able to get into the shower this morning and bathe.

3) All the thousands of people including myself who walked in the AidsWalk yesterday in Central Park.

4) For having an amazing supervisor at work who isn't angry with me when I'm almost 20 minutes late because of the train.

5) For having great friends.

6) For having money to put food in my stomach.

7) For having a nice weekend with Greg.

8) For being able to watch Joplin last week...(merrrr I miss her)

9) For having work.

10) For not having a car and the expense that it brings right now.

11) For having a long weekend coming up.

12) For having the knowledge and ability to bring my own art into my life that I choose.

13) For having a voice.

14) For reconnecting.

15) For disconnecting.

16) For cleaning out and starting fresh.

17) For lunch in my bag today.

18) For supportive parents.

19) For clothes on my back.

20) For health.

21) For happiness.

22) For music.

23) For Kathleen Turner on my ipod this morning.

More to come...today was long...I have much to be grateful for. :) Today and this week will be good!

Justin

I'm thankful...

2008-05-15T09:09:00.003-04:00

this morning for:

Thus far raising $325 for the Aids Walk on Sunday...being closer to my $500 goal.

The people who have selflessly given to this cause!!

Waking up having a cute dog lick my face

and even better--waking up next to my amazing love who regardless of how ugly I am in the morning, pissy I have been lately, weird I have been acting...has loved me regardless. :)

Having an amazing dinner last night.

Mashed potatoes that taste like heaven.

Starbucks that isn't totally crammed with people this morning.

PayDay!

Having food in my stomach.

Having money in my wallet and bank.

The train being on time.

Having an amazing boss.

Reconnecting.

Seltzer Water.

The Today Show....

air conditioning.

Justin

Gym and such

2008-05-13T15:32:00.003-04:00

So this is a short little fun story...I guess my mouth opens before my brain really says "you shouldn't say that..." But I'm thankful for what is now a funny story to me:

I'm in the gym...I just get done showering and I'm anxious to check my cell phone to see if my friend Andy called because I went WAY over my workout time. Seeing that I am supposed to meet him I want to see if he's called to make sure I'm not late. I go to my locker and pull out my phone. Clearly I'm in just a towel but I'm grabbing my phone to briefly look and see if I've missed a call. There is a sign that says "no cell phones permitted in use in locker room." Ok well we all know why that is...obviously someone could take numerous pictures and videos of men completely naked and then post them on the net. I've seen many guys use their cell phones, so I'm thinking it's no big deal. I pull mine out and notice I have a voice mail. I walk to the mirror while checking my message and start putting my product in my hair. As I close my phone and walk back I notice an old, rather over weight man staring at me-whilst buck naked. He says to me in a very prudish tone, "you're not supposed to use those in here." Without thinking my mouth opened and I find myself saying "well just so you know I'm making a phone call that's important--and if I were to take nudie pictures or videos it would not be of you!"

AHHAHA!

Justin

This is the problem with our society!

2008-05-08T16:50:00.002-04:00

Wow...this is ridiculous. This is what I grew up hearing--and now it makes me sick....realizing the hatred in this. This is what's dividing our country right now folks. We cannot let these narrow minded people force their beliefs on everyone else. It relates to my favorite prayer: "Lord please save me from your people!"

Mainstream...and gratitude

2008-05-08T11:19:00.002-04:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1) waking up in a warm bed next to someone I love.

2) having the first day in months of just going with the flow.

3) feeling alive.

4) having drinks with great friends last night.

5) Kelly Francis and her half full approach to life.

6) Kim Thomspon--just for being her every day and making me think in ways I don't usually think.

7) New possibilities.

8) An open mind.

9) people to cover the desk when I'm gone.

10) The guy in the coffee shop in the building who has mine ready as soon as I step up to the counter in the mornings.

11) A red pen that I love at my desk.

12) A trip to see my family in PA tomorrow.

13) A free evening.

14) An evening of no gym.

15) getting paid next week.

Mainstream issues...

I'm trying to get it through my head that it's ok to be a multi-tasker in life. For some reason I used to be able to do this and the older I get the more it feels impossible. These ideals that one should do just do one thing and be set with that are ridiculous. Yet I find myself clinging to them the older that I get. I think it can be scary for people who have these ideals in their head of who they are to really jump off the normal path. For me I'm finding that I can't sit still very long without getting bored. I don't want to be bored. Especially bored artistically. Life is way too short to be stewing all of the time. I saw two actors on the train yesterday and listened to their conversations about how they were doing 8 auditions a day and not getting work...and they were frustrated because they had no money and were worn out. They looked like hell--and I thought "how could you possibly give a good audition looking the way you do and feeling so tired?" Some people think one doesn't have drive if they're not wanting to constantly audition...they think they just are lazy. I don't always agree. Yes I'm sure there are lazy actors/singers out there-I know some. But the quality of work being offered is not the best. I look for auditions frequently...and nothing sparks me. Yes there is a chain you have to crawl up so they say--but really, do you? Does one really have to compromise their artistic values for a small paycheck just to put something on the resume? I believe I would rather do free GOOD work than shitty paid work just to put something on my resume. I read Classical Singer magazine and I am mixed between the thoughts of..."wow this so great that there is a community for people..." and "oh my this is TOO much of everyone trying to learn the same thing and figure things out..." I've decided I have a lot of interests...reading is a key for keeping my mind clear. I've been reading A NEW EARTH by Eckhart Tolle. It's quite good--and remarkably life changing. I'm almost finished and I'm hoping to keep with the truth of each and every moment. But I want to be a multi-tasker. I want to do different things. Passion will carry you through...you have to be completely engaged so that the passion pulls you in. I haven't felt that in a while. There hasn't been any project that has kept me up all night learning lines, studying, reading, etc....for a LONG time. I want that again. I want that obsession--that drive. I know it's slowly coming back...and I just have to be open to whatever form it may come in. Onwards and upwards, eh?

Justin

Today

2008-05-06T16:41:00.002-04:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1) The free box of girl scout cookies.

2) The sun

3) having money

4) being alive

5) having a good conversation with Doug this morning.

6) my flowers that were given to me.

7) having a good laugh

8) hearing Kim's laughter.

9) Getting a good chuckle out of another person ignoring my request--too funny!

10) Reconnecting with some ties.

11) Breaking old ones.

12) Learning to make peace with some things.

13) thinking about making sweet love tonight.

14) being able to read.

All of the above and more...

it's a good day.

Ciao-

Justin

Dreaming

2008-05-05T10:30:00.002-04:00

Dreaming is fun-it fills my heart with hope.

My mixed emotions of "wow is this my life?"

hit hard.

Hit hard in a good way.

There are so many things I want.

So many things I know will for sure happen.

In time.

Impatient? Yes.

Being with three of my favorite people all weekend--

happy days.

Makes me want to live closer.

I can envision dinner parties weekly...

being a part of that daily life

with people I love. It feels essential.

Today I woke up with less back pain.

I woke up extremely happy.

Coming back into my room to sweet kisses

I didn't want to leave.

I could have stayed all day.

Noticing the little things...

the way the chin and lips are set

just how I like them.

I'm thankful for all of this..

so many things.

My heart is full.

Justin

Trains

2008-04-30T09:45:00.004-04:00

So this morning was probably one of the most interesting train rides I've had since I've been here in New York. I get to my stop about 10 minutes earlier than normal because I'm wanting to get to work early. The train is of course running behind and so I know then at this point that when it comes it's gonna be packed full of people. Of course as it pulls up I look in and people are barely able to move. I'm determined to get in and I do. I move to as close to the center as possible and I grab on to the rail. As the train starts to take off I notice someone sitting on the floor of the train right next to me...legs spread out. Usually I only see this if it's a homeless person or in general someone a few fries short of a happy meal. Of course I notice the lady sitting there. I saw her get kicked off an evening train once when I was heading to midtown from my apartment. I remembered her cursing at nothing and just acting violent, and the conductor kicking her off. It was the first time I saw that. Well...within a few short minutes of me standing next to her--being surrounded by people--I hear her screaming again. She's screaming things like..."FUCK YOU YOU BITCH GET OUT OF MY SEAT...I WANT A SEAT..." Ok...this is ridiculous. I wish someone would have just given her a seat--but obviously no one was willing to do this. What's worse is I hear a loud noise through my ipod music. It sounds like a door slamming when at the same time I feel my hand vibrate....I turn...here she is violently banging the back of her head on the pole. Not in a playful way...but in a way that says "I WANT MY BRAINS TO SEEP OUT OF MY EARS" banging. She wasn't stopping. I was quite disturbed by this. I mean besides the fact that this woman is obviously mentally ill in some way...I really didn't want to witness someone bashing their head so hard that blood would start coming out of her ears. The lady standing closest to her kept looking at me in horror....as well as others. But it disturbed me that NO ONE was saying anything. I was FREAKED out and getting pissed. The last stop before Manhattan brought much confusion to the train as the usual people at Queensboro tried to cram even further into an already crammed train. She freaked out even more. Her cursing got worse and more profane--she was yelling directly at these two women sitting in front of her. Perhaps these people have seen her many times before and just expect this behavior...perhaps everyone was just able to tune it out better than me...perhaps people took sympathy on her....who knows....but something snapped within me. I couldn't hear her head banging against the pole ONE more time...and I especially couldn't hear or see her yelling at other passengers. I leaned down and in an adrenaline filled moment I looked at her and I said..."HEY! HEY SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU HAVE A GODDAMN SEAT ON THE FLOOR NOW SHUT UP, STOP YELLING, AND PLEASE STOP BANGING YOUR HEAD!" The train became silent. I could barely believe what I just said--she looked at me and simply said..."FUCK YOU!" And I looked right back at her and I said..."NO-FUCK YOU! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!" She stopped. She certainly didn't utter another word until we got to 59th and Lexington. As soon as the doors opened she went at it again yelling at people. I decided to go to the conductor of the train and make it known that someone was harrassing the other riders. As I approach there is a line of about 10 people telling the conductor the same thing. The conductor gets out and goes into the car. That's all I know...as I had to get to work and catch my transfer.

I don't feel bad about yelling. I really don't. I realize that she may be mentally ill or mentally handicapped in some way. But regardless...that gives no one reason to cause a disturbance on the train. And it especially gives no one reason for banging their head and for yelling throughout and entire train ride harassing the other passengers. These days you just don't know who is riding the train, who is walking beside you, etc. I was not about to give this women the power. Someone needed to let her know that she was in the wrong and WHO had the power.

So that's my interesting story of the day. Now...the thankful list:

I'm thankful today that:

1) I made it to work on time/early

2) Today is pay day

3) I have money in my account

4) I had time to stop at starbucks this morning

5) Waking up again to warm kisses

6) I'm going away this weekend with my love.

7) I'm seeing my two best friends this weekend.

8) I can sing.

9) That I have a good job.

10) that I have prospects

11) That I don't bang my head on the subway posts.

Thankful

2008-04-28T11:07:00.003-04:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1) The warm kisses and hugs this morning as I woke up.

2) Getting on the train early and getting to work on time.

3) Hearing Mandy's fun story last night.

4) The friendly maid at work today who always makes me laugh.

5) A fan blowing the paint fumes away from my desk today.

6) Waking up with less garbage in my chest.

7) Getting a text from Tosha saying she's graduating with honors.

8) Having food to eat.

9) Being able to withdraw money from the atm and not worry about it.

10) Sunday family dinners.

11) Good friends.

12) A mini-vacation on Thursday-Sunday with Greg.

XOXOXOOXOX

What are YOU thankful for??

Oh what a beautiful mahhhhhning....

2008-04-26T11:37:00.002-04:00

If the temperature would always be what it is now all year round--the weather would be perfect! I woke up this morning after sleeping much later I planned to a nice breeze blowing through my room. I love the feeling on days off when I can just feel a cool breeze through the window and snuggle back under the covers-knowing that I can sleep longer if I want. And also the breeze just brings some fresh air into my room. I'm constantly trying to remind myself to pay attention to all the small details in life--they make a difference. I'm continually striving to be filled with gratitude for all of the wonderful things in my life-in an effort to stay positive. So often every morning I can feel the turn of negativity happen from the minute I step out of bed and into the shower. One small change of thought can change this terrible pattern, because if you're at all like me then one negative thought leads to another leads to another leads to more which basically equals a terrible terrible day! So each day whether it's one work....two words...two pages....etc....I'm going to try and make sure I blog about what I'm grateful for that day. I'm going to challenge all of you bloggers and all of you non-bloggers out there to do the same. Just take 5 minutes and write down what you're truly grateful for. I think it will make a huge difference in your day. So today I'm thankful for the following:

1) A warm bed
2) Food to eat
3) Some money in the bank
4) Having a wonderful relationship with someone I'm truly in love with.
5) Having a wonderful circle of friends here who are supportive, kind, and like family.
6) Having a wonderful day job that isn't demanding & wipes out all my energy.
7) Having talent.
8) Having a loving family who cares for & supports me.
9) The neighbor who always cooks big breakfasts because the smells come through my window & remind me of the smells from my grandma's kitchen.
10) Those friends in Ohio who have kept in contact with me regardless of distance.
11) Saturdays blogging in bed.
12) Saturdays walking to Starbucks & getting coffee.
13) Saturday evenings in Brooklyn.

Now u try! :-) I feel much better. Gonna walk to starbucks....

XO
-Justin

What is funny...

2008-04-22T23:51:00.005-04:00

You know what I find to be hillarious is the following:
When someone holds a grudge about something that is so far in the past...so untrue...and in general completely retarded. It's amazing to me the bullshit that lingers from something that supposedly happened a year ago. I have this to say...fuck you for not accepting my apology, my honesty, my sincerity, and above all my request because some voice with blonde hair and boobs has said "this is just something I don't understand--how you could still be friends after all of this has been said." FUCK you...pussy!

Good night!

The past

2008-04-22T16:22:00.002-04:00

Your breath pouring on me

the smell I adore--

your sweet kisses embrace my body

our skin is touching and I feel you all over me.

Something clicks-

the past is finally gone. It hit me.

I am able to completely let go.

I let go in every way.

Feeling my body literally release--this brought tears to my eyes.

All the painful things of the past were gone.

The terrible words-the anger-the not letting go-the hatred-the lies-everything.

Moving on with you is a dream.

I'll be yours for the rest of your life if you let me.

-Justin

Artistic Juices...

2008-04-22T10:14:00.002-04:00

Well they're flowing again! This is great...

planning the cabaret--

I have some good songs...good ideas (thank you my love)

Web site should be up soon....

here we come!

--Justin

Racism & What will kill our country

2008-04-21T10:08:00.002-04:00

Interesting story:

Yesterday....after a terrific weekend I decided to do some shopping. I was leaving the store and a lady was walking briskly. I wasn't in her way when she shouted "Get the fuck out of my way...I don't like whitey!" Meanwhile a surge goes through me full of rage and anger and I shout back..."EXCUSE ME!" Meanwhile she is closer to me and she spits at me! Without even thinking at this point my left hand which is holding three large bags full of items swings up with the bags smacking the bitch in the face. She continues yelling at me when at this point 2 other guys have heard and seen this happen and they push her away and tell her to get the fuck out of their neighborhood. When I tell people this story they ask me..."what race was she?" I must say I don't know...it doesn't matter. This shouldn't have happened....regardless now I kind of laugh but also am still angered in many ways by it.

NOW...I found this today. This is what I believe is the problem with our society today. Talk about judging, narrow minded views, etc....this disgusts me and makes me truly believe that the radical evangelical Christians are truly almost just as bad as the Islamic extremists. This makes me sick...I am reminded of the infiltration that this lifestyle creates...the way they twist things to serve their own agenda...and more so the way they use Jesus Christ--the teacher of love--to preach hate. And now this crazy video they made about Oprah....just kind of makes me laugh.

Like poo

2008-04-17T11:35:00.003-04:00

I have been feeling like crap for over a week now..

in general.

Today has been the best "I feel GOOD" day so far. I'm still worried because there is a ton of junk in my chest today--I have kitties in there.

Though I've been taking mucinex it just doesn't want to go away. So I'm seeing the doctor today. There's so much junk going around-bad junk too.

Usually if it's just a cold it's gone in a few days for me.

This has lingered almost two weeks. Time to get some peace of mind or some drugs.

Lots of positive energy coming round the bend these days....

--Justin

Once Upon A Time

2008-04-11T10:09:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time...

a boy decided to cut coffee (caffeine)

cut cigarettes

become a vegetarian

and be the next world wrestling champion--

all in one day.

Woah!

The little boy became sick

a general happening.

Weather changes are hard.

All at the same time.

The little boy had breakdowns

several.

Felt he was going crazy.

Maybe he is.

Perhaps he will.

Headaches all day--

kept questioning...

"cut caffeine--duh!"

OH SHIT...he thinks...

that would explain it.

Going from 8 cups to 1 cup will do that.

Going from half a pack or more a day to

1 smoke a day...will make you crazy.

This is good though.

The boy was able to realize what is important

what needed to be done-

scary-but true.

He has begun to break a bad cycle.

Once upon a time....

there was a boy

who was patient with himself

who praised himself for his efforts

who decided to keep working--

breaking patterns

no more guilt.

Ease

do it all with ease.

Again today 1 cup of coffee

head ache is not there

feeling much better today

still a tad sore in the throat-

but good.

He wants to smoke sometimes

but realizes that he's done so well--

he HAS to continue. Not yet making it a completely go away--

but stopping the habits.

Which he knew would be the hardest to stop

thinking it would be easier just to completely stop altogether.

No.

A plan is much better.

Listen to your own heart he tells himself.

Today is a better day.

Money in the account this morning--thank God.

The Secret really does work.

Long weekend...

voice lesson early next week

I need it.

The boy sits now at his desk

looking at two cows eating grass

smiling...

Back to life...

c'est la vie.

-J-

Monday...oh sure.

2008-04-07T14:08:00.002-04:00

Yes it's Monday. The weekend is gone. Another week comes & then will go. Time is flying! We went to Coney Island this week. It was nice being by the water. Someday it will be a permanent thing. Well not in Coney Island--but you know what I mean. I saw a suringe (sp) on the beach. I remember when I was a kid...when New York was a different and much more Port Authority/8th Ave. place and I remember hearing about the beaches around Coney Island just being covered with dirty drug needles and trash. I had a feeling I might see something of a remnant from those days. Alas there it was. I snapped a photo with my cell phone. Speaking of drugs...I heard a story from someone I adore who is a close friend about a party she was at recently. The party suddenly turned into a festival of cocaine. Her reaction was similar to mine--one of shock and disbelief. I've since met more people who have done drugs, do drugs, or are generally more accepting of them. I find it disturbing myself...my reaction would have been to freak out and just leave the party immediately. I have a huge problem with drugs, specifically anything stronger than marijuana. Why do you ask? Well kids...D.A.R.E. in the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th grade paid off.

Justin

Maintenance

2008-04-04T11:41:00.003-04:00

So I have been following through to one of my previous blog posts on quitting smoking.

I decided to break the habits before lunging totally. It has been what I thought: the hardest.

Last night was the first major break through. My hardest time is always before I have a long train ride because I usually like to smoke then. Last night I didn't...I bought a HUGE sucker with gum in the middle ohhh it was fun. I didn't have as many problems.

Anyways...ok

too much champagne at work...

cannot blog anymore.

Love

Justin

Exactly!

2008-04-03T11:23:00.000-04:00

Go to John Mayer's web site and read his latest blog posting...

it made complete sense to me & gave me a good bump in the day.

www.johnmayer.com

-Justin

My morning pages?

2008-04-02T09:44:00.003-04:00

Seriously...is the R train being driven by the student drivers?

I swear the past couple of days it has been driven by my grandmother.

Today I left an extra 10 minutes early so that I would get to work on time & perhaps have a few extra minutes to grab coffee and a sandwhich at starbucks. After about 10 hours on the R I finally get to the 6...I start to get on and am suddenly pushed. Ok so today I've had it already...I take my bag and I swing it around and I look at this older man who has shoved me--I can barely contain my rage and the words suddenly fly out of my mouth--"DO NOT FUCKING PUSH ME--I"M TRYING TO MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE TRAIN WHICH IS WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO AND YOU'RE PUSHING ME JUST SO YOU CAN STAY BY THE FUCKING DOOR!!" He stared at me almost in shock that I said something--the section of the car got quiet and at this point my face I know must have been completely red. This constant pushing annoys the piss out of me to no end. Why other people disregard other human beings is beyond me. As if other people aren't in the same hurry to get somewhere, as if other people don't want to get on the train as well. It's very irritating and I mind it VERY fucking much. This disregard for other human beings always becomes apparent on the train. I have lately found myself not caring about other people as well...pushing more...and not giving a fuck about possibly bumping into someone. Maybe this is what pisses me off more--because I refuse to be like that and yet I have become that in some strange way. Who knows. So there's my vent with that....

I'm very frustrated today artistically as well...I've got to get back up and going with my morning pages again. All of these lovely doubts and bullshit keep coming into my head. This seems more like the stuff that should be coming out onto those pages. I feel stuck right now--not sure where to go even though I feel the best thing to do is wait. But I feel that I just want to explode with what I want to do. Today is the birthday of someone who I have been extremely close to for many years...to say we're best friends anymore is kind of a hard thing for me to do. Like a few other people in my life I have barely spoken to her since moving to New York. I know that things change and people change-but I can't help but feel a little bitter when keeping in touch is one sided. Who knows...my pissy mind frame could be causing me much irritation this morning. I need the sun...I need the water...I need something. Perhaps I will take Kim up on her artistic getaway and us bonding time in New Paltz.

I'm sure the mood will get better.

justin

Today

2008-03-31T11:48:00.004-04:00

Today is one of those days...

for some reason I sat on the train this morning on the way to work and felt an overwhelming sadness. Not sure why, but I did. Sometimes life just seems stale-even in the fast city. There are days when I just want to stay in bed, watch tv, be unmotivated, and do nothing. Today was one of those days. It's still gloomy and cold here, and perhaps that's the problem. I also feel that there's really nothing I have to "work on" right now...I'm kind of just empty.

My goal today is to try and get better...

be more positive...

J-

all I need is the air that I breathe...

2008-03-29T13:07:00.002-04:00

I'm sittting here debating whether or not to post what I'm about to post. I suppose I will, perhaps it's better to just be open and honest. I honestly only know of about 3 other people who read this-so I suppose perhaps it will be enlightening to them--or someone else as well. I'm exhausted...I'm fucking beat down and tired of a habit I have been trying to break for years. Smoking never came naturally to me. I always hated it when my grandfather would smoke, and later when my father briefly smoked I hated it. I was in a play where the character smoked. I was 16. I had touched a cigarette only once in my life on a family vacation. My cousins and I thought it would be cool to steal a cigarette from our grandfather's pack-so we did. We had no idea what we were doing. Anyways...when I was handed a pack of cigarettes for this play I could barely open the pack correctly, and I most certainly had to be taught how to light a cigarette. I didn't see what was so great about cigarettes, in fact I never realized that you actually INHALE the damn things until I accidentally did it one night during a rehearsal. My head got light, I felt high and it was the most interesting feeling to me. After that on stage I found it cut a bit of the edge off, but I never did it outside of the theatre. Alas another play required my smoking genius-this time I was 17 going on 18. At this point I would on occasion enjoy a cigarette with some friends during the weekend-usually I would end up nauscious. Alas another play came along and I started smoking again...this time enjoying it more and more. I finally was able to get an older friend to buy me a pack of smokes. My FIRST pack ever...Marlboro lights...GROSS. These would just last usually 3 or 4 weeks-maybe more. Long story short...the smoking addiction bit me. I was never a heavy smoker really-however I was bit and Benson and Hedges Menthol 100's were my cigarette of choice--and still are to this day. I closet smoked most of my undergrad. career--fearing the wrath of teachers and colleagues who would think it was terrible (well not the ones I knew who smoked). I would quit off and on when I could-but very rarely could and wouldn't follow through. It honestly became an amazing release. Something I could just totally have for myself that no one could really take away. It was something I could do while driving on long trips. It was the reward after a long night of performing, or a long day working. Grad school I actually made a successful full on quit after my tonsillectomy for about 2 months--unfortunately that didn't last long. So the smoking continued...and continued...and has still continued. I haven't full out tried quitting since coming to New York, simply because up until two months ago I was still considering my life as a HUGE adjustment--and my only "salvation" for a while was to step outside and smoke. Well I had a light bulb moment yesterday...I'M DONE! I've had enough! BASTA! I honestly have to say I haven't had this strong of an urge to quit-EVER. I realized that several of my dreams have already come true: 1) I moved to the place I've ALWAYS wanted to be...and I'm surviving and doing well (2) I wasn't here a month and started performing...this is a huge deal (3) I am with someone who I plan on being with hopefully for the rest of my life--the perfect man in every way for me-what I have always wanted. I have SO much going for me. Yes there are many things in limbo, yes I'm a "young" adult starting out in life...but I have had the strength to make it this far-Goddamnit I'm not going to let this addiction get to me anymore.
I truly believe a lot of us have big dreams...we have hopes...desires. The biggest thing that holds us back is fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of love, rejection, etc. For me I have realized that smoking has been the last thing to just hang on to that allows me to still have those fears. And while in most of my life I've let them go--there is still that little bit that tells me..."you shouldn't stop smoking...it won't be worth it...you're just gonna be miserable...it's not gonna benefit you, etc, etc." I say FUCK YOU! I've never been able to before...but now I am. It's time to just let go and go full force. I received a free New York quit kit containing nicotine patches the other day. And damnit I'm going to do it. Today I will figure out the best strategy for quitting--rather than jumping in blind and being smacked in the face with everything at once. There's a balance of really just letting go and totally losing your shit because it's too much...and really working hard to figure out WHY you smoke...what the triggers are...and smoothly breaking those habits before making the full on plunge. Most people say to wait 2 weeks before quitting...to set a date...work towards that date and really start working out those habits before just quitting. I'm trying to figure out if that's the best way to go or not. I've attempted before and usually it has ended up with me actually just forgetting about the quit and continuing to smoke and not breaking the habits. HOWEVER if I choose that route I am determined to carry around a list with me of all the reasons why I'm quitting...and constantly review them...I know it sounds gay...but ya know what...it's an addiction. I'll force myself to stop smoking before getting on the train--deal with those feels and eliminate that habit so that my withdrawl won't be so painful.
So...if you read this...prepare to be on a journey with me. Perhaps making this public makes me more accountable for my actions. So we begin to clean lungs, a stronger voice, healthier skin and teeth, and no more fear!

XO
Justin

Pocket Symphony

2008-03-25T14:39:00.002-04:00

I'm listening to AIR & I think I'm obsessed right now with them. The music sends me to another place. Today I train with Doug my friend who has turned into my Hitler like personal trainer as well. He always kicks my ass...so much that today my boyfriend told him to take it easy on me so that I wouldn't be whining for three days like I did the last time. Bite me--I'm a wimp! :)

So the photos will be coming out soon...can't wait...I'm doing some acting coaching right now with the best director in NYC...getting prepared for the spring to blossom some auditions. Some things are in the works...keep your fingers crossed. Each day I find myself itching more and more to be back on the stage. I think a beak has done me good. I have to get some music together for my upcoming voice lesson...and I've got to brush off these dusty cords & get back in shape again. Some choral singing resumes on Sunday-which is good. It'll help me get my reading skills going again. I've honestly just been trying my best to enjoy some time away...I worried the other day in thinking that perhaps I "peaked" too young. Is that possible? Not necessarily peak in the way that you are the best you will be...but peak in terms of doing so many things. From the time I was 15 until 24 there would never be more than 2 months in between being on stage working on something, and often more than one thing would be on my plate. I'm kind of ready for that again. We'll see. Everything rolls around as it does, eh?

All right...enough...I saw Patti Lupone in Gypsy last week...it was just amazing and to die for....I love Bernadette--but I will admit Patti was born to play Mama Rose. To die for...before that I saw a reading for a new musical...it was pretty good, though there is much needed work to be done yet...there were some big names there--and it was just interesting to watch. :-)

Life is a bit boring in my blog world right now...I'm so happy in my life that I really don't feel the need to explode on the blog anymore--and sometimes I feel maybe the happy, gushy stuff might make everyone vomit. We'll see.

XOXO

justin

Perfection

2008-03-20T10:07:00.002-04:00

The train ride this morning---I put the ipod on

All Good Gifts is playing.

Cheesy, I know...

but rather than skipping as I often do I decided to listen...

tears filled my eyes

the words so true!

I feel so grateful for so many gifts in my life.

I spent the greater majority of my week with my three of my favorite people:

my two best friends in the entire world and my boyfriend.

I played tour guide as best as I could and found myself wanting to just show them EVERYTHING!

They are always so generous and amazing when I visit them and so I wanted to return the favor.

It was just such an amazing few days.

We went and saw Rent

which was an emotional experience in itself.

I had listened to this music for years

I had seen it on Broadway years ago...

when I started college I would blast the recording through the dorm hallways.

We all used to have fun and just sing the songs before we had choral rehearsal or something

sitting there next to Justin during Seasons of Love...on Broadway...knowing it's going to close in a couple of months...my eyes filled with tears.

I feel in many ways that the show has become now a "period piece"...

however it's something our generation grew to love.

It was just amazing...

I'm finding myself comforted more and more knowing how close they are.

We're really not that far away at all. This is amazing to me.

And it's so nice to hang out with a couple like that...

I mean come on...I can see our kids playing together...

little Ling Ling and Matthew

:-)

Ahhhh c'est la vie.

justin

It's all coming back

2008-03-13T10:13:00.002-04:00

Perspective is great.

Last night I dreamed about my life as it was a year ago.

So different from now.

The button hadn't clicked until then-

Life has moved on-

the click happened

acceptance fully. It has taken a while.

Finally it has arrived.

All that was is behind me

all that IS is ahead of me---

wow.

Ok.

Well Mr. Snow-

here I am.

--Justin

Uh oh

2008-03-13T08:52:00.002-04:00

So today I have a physical...which includes blood work...which means I'm supposed to 8 hours before my appointment. So I come into work and the first thing I do is look on my desk and see a jolly rancher...the first thing I do is open it up...put it in my mouth and start sucking away and then chewing when I finally have a light bulb moment! DAMN!!!!! HAHA! Hopefully it wont fuck things up too bad. I might have high sugar.

Justin

Now this pisses me off!

2008-03-12T11:13:00.002-04:00

Now this really boils my blood hearing that Kevin Federline may be joining the cast of legally blonde!?!?!?!?!??!? Wow business must really be slow. Ode to the commercialism of theatre...what happened to the days where we still had legitimate theatre stars that had box office draw? The days when putting a random B or D list celeb in a show to sell tickets was non existent seem to be over. People spend years and money training, performing, and auditioning to do this and some jack off gets in and gets paid a shit ton of money to be on broadway. Wow...people sometimes in general really suck.

Justin

Sigh

2008-03-12T10:24:00.002-04:00

Francis Conroy is in my opinion one of the best actresses of our time. She and Kathleen Turner need to do a film together.

Not feeling the long blogs lately...perhaps soon?

Justin

Hmmmm

2008-03-11T10:35:00.003-04:00

I'm listening to the Beatle's song PIGGIES...and I strangely feel like I should be smoking hash, tripping on LSD, and living in a commune in California.

God those must have been the days.

A boy can dream can't he?

--Justin

Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner

2008-03-07T16:22:00.004-05:00

So sad about Patrick Swayze. :-( I can't even count the numerous times I would masturbate to his picture or to him grinding up on Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing when I was young. He was the idol of my wet dreams for years. I mean no disrespect for this very talented man. I hope he's well...it's just very sad.

--Justin

Ugh

2008-03-07T15:16:00.002-05:00

Kudos me

I just made myself pregnant.

--That has been my week.

-Justin

A gloomy Wed?

2008-03-05T08:45:00.002-05:00

For once I'm politically proud to be from Ohio. Hillary won in my home state, which I was pleasantly surprised by! This is amazing progress! People are ready for change, at least I think. Although we still have a split in our country supporting the efforts of top running Republican who want to continue this war in Iraq amongst many other things. Isn't it time we realize it hasn't been working...and it's not gonna work? Now the real fun continues...

So here in New York I often find my internal thoughts somehow verbalizing themselves...either me forgetting that I'm actually speaking out loud-or something else happens. My endless frustrations with the daily subway commute seems to never end these days. Perhaps a few things need adjusting so that I can get over this. But today of course was no different. I hopped onto the Q and for the most part all was well until almost in Manhattan and the train is stopped for almost 15 minutes because of problems with another train. Good lord. So I'm thinking the entire time...wow how convenient is this...they just INCREASE the monthly fare by $5.00 and they still can't get their shit together. And I'm starting to get pissed about this and wondering why they increased the damn fare. I mean seriously if you think of all the people here who buy monthly passes...they are making a damn fortune just on the increase. So I let it go. I get off at Union Square to transfer...of course this is the part I'm dreading. Alas the 4,5, and 6 continue to be more and more packed. Now seriously why are there not more trains running....and tell me WHY is there not MTA employees working the damn line yelling at people who try to push their way on at the last minute and cause delays because the doors wont shut?? So I manage to squeeze onto a train just realizing that I'm going to have to rush to work once I'm off the train because I'm running late--which shouldn't have happened since I left early. I'm standing in this crowded train when ALL of the sudden my thoughts of the morning came to life when I hear a high pitched angry female voice scream..."IS ANYONE ELSE WONDERING WHY WE ARE PAYING INCREASED FARE NOW??" I was the first to just shout out YES YES YES!!! Ohhhh boy....they got a lot of work to do!!

--Justin

Commutes and Ms. Turner

2008-03-03T08:52:00.002-05:00

Oh today was one of those bitchy commute days. I leave and get on the Q (I stayed in Brooklyn last night with my bf) about 5 minutes early. Now anyone who takes the train here knows that 5 minutes can make a huge difference...you'll either be really early, right on time, or fucked like always. Well in my case it has meant that I'm too early--which is better than anything. So I get a nice window seat where I can get the best view of the city and Ms. Liberty right before Canal St...this always makes me smile in the morning. Well the train is running uber slow today for some reason of course--no big deal, right? I look at my watch when we get to canal street and it's like 7:50. I can't believe it we made it into Manhattan from Ave. M in like 20 minutes. So I get off at Union Square (14th st) to transfer to the 4, 5, or 6 express which will take me right to Grand Central--getting me straight to my office within a block. Usually the 4,5,or 6 are known for being crowded, but lately there haven't been too many problems. So no sweat...I've got my ipod blasting with some Simon and Garfunkel and I'm set. I go and wait by the platform...and wait....and wait...and wait...and meanwhile the crowd behind me is piling up--which ultimately means one thing---PUSHING! SHIT! So finally after waiting 10 minutes a 4 train comes. It's completely packed. I'm secretly praying that everyone gets off, although I know this is chaotic in itself. So the doors open and no one moves...then suddenly people are fighting to get off the train because the people staying who are by the doors refuse to get off. Well in the meantime, though I am next to the door people have begun to crowd and just push their way onto the train. I'm starting to get pissy--but I look at my phone and still have plenty of time so I'm not gonna sweat it--I'll wait for the next train because surely it's right behind this one. NOPE! 15 minutes later the train arrives. I'm starting to sweat it because at this point it is 8:20 and I need to be in the office at 8:30. So I step in...well the people behind me have the brilliant idea to push their way on...and I don't mean lightly push...I mean push like they are trying to move something extremely heavy. Their pushing pushes me into this sweet looking woman who is ramming her face into the pole because of their pushing. I've had enough and I literally start losing my shit on the train...I turn around and start screaming at the people behind me...something I never really do but wish I would...but today it was manifested. I must have been quite forceful because several people just looked at me like "wow he is really pissed!" Jesus! So anyways...what a way to start the day, right?

Last week at the end of the week was the book signing with my fav. Kathleen Turner. First she does a discussion and a Q&A with her co-author Gloria Feldt. Greg and I had sat in the second row. She was right in front of us. It was an unbelievable evening of bliss for me. I adore her and not just because of her work--but I truly believe she represents a kind of realness that most artists and especially celebrities don't. She's extremely frank, kind, hard edged, and intelligent. She really took the time to look at everyone in the audience during the talk and she freely spoke her mind. Her ideas about film and theatre were so wonderful. When asked if she were offered a strong film role again if she would do it her reply was... "to be honest I don't get those kinds of scripts anymore...it's always grandmother scripts." And I'll never forget how she said my name after signing my book and the look she gave me when she looked up. *sigh* Mostly I was stunned by her beauty that is still VERY apparent. In recent interviews she just hasn't looked the best, and of course her wonderfully smoky voice seemed so deep on television. In person one can really see that's it's Kathleen Turner-and almost the same 1980's Kathleen Turner. When she flips her head to the side you can't help but see the same person who did Peggy Sue Got Married. Her voice is extremely resonant-one has NO trouble hearing her...and the quality doesn't seem to be one of someone who has smoked 10 packs a day--but more so the result of aging and training (she said she has trained it to be lower...and proved she could speak higher in the forum discussion which was great). Overall it was just an amazing evening spent with my favorite actress...and well Greg was a trooper putting up with his psycho boyfriend who is obsessed with Kathleen Turner. :)

Fresh Start

2008-02-27T23:40:00.002-05:00

This has been a long week-to say the least.
Rarely do I go out during the week.
Least of all Mondays.
I set my week up poorly by living it up Monday night a bit.
Discipline Justin, I constantly tell myself this.
A great time.
However it set up my week in the worst way.
I've been tired, cranky, and have had no motivation.
Tomorrow starts a new day after a full nights sleep.
I continue to work on the dream book-
do some writing.
Motivation and connection---always.
Kathleen Turner book signing tomorrow-I can't wait.
Buona notte.
-Justin

Stoned on u

2008-02-24T19:13:00.002-05:00

This weekend
in bed
A LOT
not alone-which is better.
Watched all of Lord of the Rings-beautiful.
Seeing his face all day was magical
reassuring.
For now I can only smile and think of him
the one I love.
Tonight I party with friends-
the Oscars.
I was stunned today to hear late news...
she taught me piano for a couple of years
died suddenly in October.
Still can't quite believe it.
She had a spunky and fun loving personality
took an interest in my career
I will always think of her when I hear Chopin---
what I played so often with her.
That Southern accent assuring me that I was better than I thought.
The world is full of surprising news these days.
Words have been spoken about me
by a former keeper of my heart-
I find this news recently
not a surprise.
Say what you will.
It's true-
yes Steve is better looking than you
and yes it's true.
Bunnies go bye bye.
--justin

An honest one

2008-02-22T10:50:00.002-05:00

I've made a lot of changes in my life lately.

Some have been huge changes

others have just been minor adjustments.

The switch has gotten flipped again...I have decided to pursue my talents in theatre rather than opera. I have been considering this for some time, pondering and searching through my heart and soul for the answers. My final confirmation came last night after singing once again and hearing the same thing over and over. My voice is a very lyrical voice. I wouldn't say small...but the color is not a biting, brooding, dark color that just screams at you from the stage. For the longest time I wanted it to be so much more. I wanted my voice to be something that it isn't. I felt opera was the supreme form of art--and I still think it's the best combination of everything theatre has to offer. I never felt that I fit. My constant feeling of pushing and thinking just stood in the way. I cannot be what I'm not anymore-I'm not suited for something that I have little passion for doing. I don't have the constitution to sit around and wait for years for something to happen. 15 more years and the voice will be mature completely...I will be 40. My heart pulls me elsewhere...the voices in the back of my mind that I have pictured looking down on this are now gone.

When I was 16 I wanted nothing more than to be an actor on broadway...I wanted to sing Sondheim...I wanted to learn how to dance...and I wanted so much more. When I was 5 I sat in the car with my dad and proclaimed that I was going to be an actor. He told me it was really difficult to do that--and I defied him...screaming and shouting that I could and WOULD some day do it. Since I've stepped away from the academic world I feel these heart tugs coming back stronger and stronger each day. Of course now I feel I can go full steam for a lot of reasons. I sang All the Wasted Time last night and it was very clear that this is where I belong. What I belong doing and pursuing. There are good things in sight.

I'm confident that my education has shaped all of this-has allowed me to now be the 16 year old dreamer but with more confidence, more structure. Vocally I feel that I could do anything. So with that said...the passion is beginning to flow again. Here I go...

:-)

It Dreams Itself Back To Me....

2008-02-20T23:48:00.002-05:00

Today I dreamed of the tree lined streets of Massachusetts as I rode the crowded no. 4 train. *sigh*
I'm off to dreamland early...
Tomorrow I sing:
Deh Vieni from D. Giovanni
Dandini's aria
The Trumpet Shall Sound
Ideale
Strings in the Earth and Air
All the Wasted Time.
I flip through the book tonight
a breath of fresh air
it comes back
slowly
tomorrow I travel to the upper east side to sing.
All that I've learned and discovered comes...
it's time to play.
:)

2008-02-20T16:50:00.002-05:00

I'm tired

2008-02-20T16:03:00.001-05:00

Spring needs to come. All that long sleeping in this weekend spoiled me. I'm tired. I hate getting up early every day. :)

PERFECTION

2008-02-19T09:23:00.003-05:00

This weekend was perfection because I spent it with my two best friends in the entire world in Massachusetts and I introduced that part of my life to someone I'm deeply in love with. I was thrilled that everyone just seemed to share an instant connection...the impromtu dinner party was amazing on Sunday...surrounded by lots of love.

Because of time I can't say much more...except I feel so blessed and so loved to be surrounded by some of the most amazing people.

-Justin

KT

2008-02-15T22:36:00.002-05:00

Larry King just gave one of the worst interviews I've ever seen him give to my fav...Kathleen Turner. He obviously had NO idea what she wrote about in her book...he asked the most random questions...if it weren't for her wonderful personality the interview just would have been a bomb. My favorite part was at the end when she looked in the camera (because OH she knows how to do that still) and said "Hunny I just really need to have sex...I miss it." HAHA! LOVE her.
I'm off to Massachusettes in the morning with Greg to spend the weekend with my two best friends-since it's a long weekend.
A full review of Sunday in the Park With George will be coming.
Happy long weekend-
Justin

CUNT

2008-02-15T12:35:00.002-05:00

Ok so I just read about Jane Fonda's slip up on the today show when she said "Cunt." The Today Show apologized saying "this is not a word you say on t.v." For fucks sake I'm sick sick fucking sick of everything having to be so pc. I adore the fact that Jane Fonda said this on television. If it offends you then flip the fucking channel or go watch Bill Reilly and let him shove his big cock up your ass. Let's pretend words like this don't exist.

Judging performances?

2008-02-14T12:25:00.005-05:00

Last night I had a fantastically long evening of theatre. Both pieces I saw were directed by my multi-talented boyfriend. I'm not going to go into a lengthy review because quite frankly I don't know what to say-in a good way. Three people gave amazing performances of a monologue each. It has been a little while since I've seen anything like this. I had no words for the first performer, second, and third. I just have no idea how to thank someone for pouring out their guts in front of me...for almost standing on stage naked and showing me literally every part of your body...that's how exposed...how honest...how real it felt. How does one say "THANK YOU"? I don't know...and this is why I just had nothing to say. I couldn't criticize anything. How can one judge art? YET we do! This is so irritating...how can one judge someone's honesty? Even if it's not honest...can we judge this? Perhaps this is just a weird personal thing that I believe. I think this is why I had been so artistically burnt out in college and I think it could be reason for my slowly stepping away from pursuing a career in opera-but then again I'm back and forth with that all the time. I often get sick of being under a microscope...singing and having everything analyzed on a daily basis either by yourself or others. I don't like micromanaging anything in my life-especially my interests. I remembered the other day when I was a teenager and I would stand in my room and I would do monologue after monologue after monologue. That felt free...no judgment...nothing!
Now I used to think that people were just being retarted when they said they felt artistically stiff because of school or whatever. Now I understand. My point is that I find it one thing to have a director challenge you or a coach...but it cuts me when I think of someone pouring their heart out and someone saying something terrible about it.

On youtube today I saw a clip of a tenor...this was a comment someone wrote about his performance: "his technique is off, and his voice isnt necessarily an operatic type of voice, like bocelli. people mistake bocelli to be an opera artist, when he isnt. c'mon, look at this guy. he opens his mouth wide enough to stuff a cardboard pizza box in there."

SERIOUSLY??!? Did this asshole need to go off like this? This is what I hate...I hate to generalize BUT many many people/singers say things like this. In EVERY genre of theatre people criticize like this. And I just want to say "shut your face and be silent-keep these to yourself." And when he says "people mistake Bocelli to be an opera artist, when he isn't" I just wanna puke. YES we know he's not a "real opera singer"--meaning what?!?!? What does that mean? I mean he sounds trained...he sounds ok to me...so why would this be a big deal? The general public hears a trained voice and they think "wow this is an opera singer!" SO fucking what!! At least the general public are hearing things...at least they can recognize someone with a legit voice in comparison to someone with a non-legit voice. But who's still to get so upset about this? Give the guy a break. And then judging his technique...saying "it's off" now that's another thing. I decided a long time ago that I was done saying what I felt about someone's technique. It's just wrong. Technique is personal to each person...who am I to judge someone's technique? If someone asks me an opinion on what they should do about something then I will gladly share-otherwise I don't want to think about someone's technique when they're singing. Of course I will think "wow that's great technique or wow he or she is great," but I don't want to be sitting there thinking too much. My point is that I don't think we can possibly accurately judge ANYONES art. "ART ISN'T EASY," is such a true statement. Perhaps I'm too empathetic, but I believe the most insecure of artists comes out during unfair judgments of performances. When I'm in a production or performing I have learned to only listen to three people for guidance to make sure I'm doing ok:1) The director 2) The musical director/coach 3) My teacher. Anything else that anyone says MUST be rolled off. I had a painful experience with this that taught me a lot...let me explain. I was performing a duo recital with one of my closest friends who is a soprano. We were raising funds for traveling to Europe. We worked hard to form a nice program of variety. We performed in a number of venues across the midwest. Our last venue was in a familiar area to both of us. We had a lot of friends, and people we knew at this performance. We were thrilled with how the concert went. We are greeting people who were just thrilled with out work. I was up on cloud nine when someone I deeply respected, adored, and felt was very responsible for my performing said some very painful and hurtful things to my face about my performance. There was not a kind word that came out of his mouth. He felt I was performing just fine but that I could be doing more vocally...there should be "more resonance" or rather more of a "mature sound." (MORE on this below) I was crushed. I could barely stand there looking at him anymore-I wanted to run away or jump on him and beat his face into the ground. My feelings were crushed, everything I thought I just did that was so full of my art and expression was just trampled on. More than that I was looking at the face of someone I really respected...someone not a lot of people got along with-but with whom I clicked with. Someone who gave me wonderful opportunities. I had to walk out immediately and hop in the car with a friend of mine and drive around the block before I could face anyone else. The night ended and I had many drinks and a lot of terrible thoughts. It took me many many months to forgive this man-and though I've moved on and let it go it still reminds me of how hurt I was when I think of what he said. I found out later that he felt terrible about what he said to me, however nothing could undo what he said. Nothing ever will. He mentioned that he felt I should sound differently...that I wasn't getting the technique I should have been getting...that there needed to be more resonance. Well...this I don't understand. I've heard many many different things about my voice over the years. My jury sheets used to always be the widest array of comments, reminding me that everyone hears things differently. One teacher up until my last semester in grad. school always asked for "more resonance-ring in the voice." While another would profess that I had great resonance and that things were working beautifully. When I went to Europe and sang I heard very different things. I heard that my voice was lush, warm, beautiful, exciting. Also I heard that I was being taught to press things too much-that I needed to let go-that I had more inside of me that was natural than I thought. Cool! Right? Yeah. Unfortunately this created some craziness in the technique world upon returning and yet again some very hurtful words passed my way. There are many things that will not be said until my book is published someday. But I must say I have recently come to the conclusion that I'm no longer going to force anything to happen. I talked to a good friend of mine who I adore who has had a kind of "crossover" type of career...he started in opera-has a great voice-but has moved onto other things. We both have very similiar stories about what people have said to us in the past...about how one would hear artistry while another would say "YOU'RE COMING OFF THE VOICE." We both have been frustrated by this...also the fact that there's such a HUGE climbing ladder one has to do to beat the American system. It seems that one goes to university or conservatory...then grad school...and then works their ass off to audition for YAP programs-many that pay VERY little...they stay in these systems for years until maybe they win a competition or two...and then who knows. I can't just sit around and wait-my philosophy. I'm done doing that. It also seems that unless one goes to Julliard, AVA, Manhattan, Curtis, or IU a career is tougher. Many will argue with me on this but regardless it's true. I went through almost every major YAP program web site reading the bios of ALL of their young artists...there were only a hand full that were from unknown smaller Universities. A friend of mine who once made it into a wonderful YAP--who also attended one of these major schools actually told me at the time of his audition...that he was being seen first because his teacher knew the people auditioning him and they got him in--and that he would probably get the job. He laughed about this. I wanted to beat the shit out of him in some ways. Alas-he got it. Hmmm. Regardless my point is that I can't play the game of over achiever any more. I can't pretend to really give a shit about the game. I may or may not continue to pursue opera...who knows. I'm trained...I will always have those tools to do what I want. I think deep down I'm more suited for acting and musical theatre. I can no longer make decisions based on fear. Who knows though...I love the voice so much that it may take me not taking it so seriously to get myself going. I love the art form, I love the voice, I love performing....this is what has to get me through. But theatre/acting/musical theatre/etc are JUST as hard!! YES I know it's not a walk in the park with anything. But when one learns what his or her true interests are...what it is they can do...what they will never be able to do...what they are passionate about...well...then one must follow the heart. No more judging. I'm done with it. I won't tolerate it...and I won't do it.

--Justin

I can't wait

2008-02-14T11:20:00.001-05:00

I'm seeing this tonight! :) I wish it was with Bernadette and the original cast...but oh it's the genius of Sondheim...all while sitting next to the best Valentine ever.

Hello George!

2008-02-13T15:51:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow my boyfriend is taking me to see Sunday in the Park With George as my Valentines Day and Birthday gift. I cannot wait! Now I have to match with an equally amazing gift...which oh let me tell you I have something up my sleeves...
:)
Expect a full review on Friday.

Smiling Again

2008-02-13T14:57:00.001-05:00

THIS made me laugh and smile!